The student has chosen to apply to Brown ED…and the parent already signed the ED agreement. Brown is a wonderful and extremely excellent university.
It seems the parent here is the one who is second guessing this decision
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Yeah, and we’re all struggling with the “why?”
Not me.
If I were the OP and I read that, it would put me off CC. I think we aim for friendly and welcoming whenever possible.
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Well the parent did ask to have some sense slapped into him so even as he posed the questions, it was clear that he realized that his feelings didn’t necessarily make sense.
Often when I read CC, it seems as if so many parents are so sure of themselves and convinced that their approach was the right one at least for their own children even if not necessarily for other families. Less often, I read parents who are admit outright that they are struggling or ambivalent or torn by contradictory feelings around the college process. At least for myself, I sometimes have many parenting personalities co-existing in my brain simultaneously.
- the rational and analytical, unemotional parent for whom the best parenting approach or choice is blindingly obvious
- the emotional parent who just wants my kid to choose whatever makes them happy even if I think the choice doesn’t make sense to the analytical parent.
- the practical parent who wants to make sure my kid will be financially successful even if that choice doesn’t appeal to the emotional parent.
- the nostalgic parent who is clinging to some hopes and dreams that I may have had about a past version of my kid (like the one who seemed like a talented, passionate dancer but gave it all up to skateboard)
- the voyeuristic parent who wants to live vicariously by giving my kid opportunities that I never had or avoiding the mistakes that I think my parents made.
- And yes, even a braggart parent exists somewhere in my brain sometimes. That parent likes to tout their kid’s accomplishments as proof of their good parenting skills.
For that reason, I could totally see myself posting a question here in which I “know” the right decision but also a piece of me thinks that a different decision would be better. I think that it is OK to be torn. Maybe I just need to hear someone else talk me down (or slap some sense into me).
To get back to the original question, at least for me, one good reason for letting my kids have the final say about where to apply is that I wanted them to be able to own their decisions. The last thing that I wanted was to end up with an unhappy kid at the college that I had assumed would be the best fit for them as opposed to the college that they wanted. I knew that I’d end up feeling guilty and worried if I pushed them into a different decision. I also wondered if they would end up resenting me. So I tried to put some guardrails around their decisions (mostly financial) and to give my muted opinion about the options when asked during the process, but mostly I wanted to get out of their way. If the OP’s kid decided that he’d prefer Brown, and the college is affordable, well then if he is unhappy at Brown or regrets that choice, at least it was his choice and on him. If the parent lobbied for Yale, and the kid ended up unhappy with the club water polo team or disliking New Haven or whatever then the parent would have to carry the knowledge that he pushed the kid into a different university than the kid actually wanted.
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Let’s have further responses be directed to the OP, please.
Don’t mind any of the comments. They’ve all been helpful in one way or another. Thank you.
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Way up thread there was a comment about Michigan dates being pushed back by the new ED option. I believe Michigan EA has been a late January notification for some time now. Years back it was December but it’s been a while. Same for UW-Madison, I think.
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