I'm so torn

Pre-College Topics High School Cafe
1

I’ve been homeschooled virtually all my life. However, during elementary school I transferred to a school where I have to attend classes every week. My only friend changed schools this year, and because we only attend classes one day a week, it’s difficult to become friends with people if you weren’t already. Because of my lack of friends, my parents are making me apply for private school. At first, I was completely adamant about not wanting to go, but now, I’m not so sure. There are 2 schools that my parents are considering. I’m apprehensive about the first because the girls there are known to be extremely catty; but on the other hand, I know several good people from there, and it has a good orchestra program. The second school I’m almost certain I don’t want to go there; I haven’t heard one good thing about it and there are several people that go there that I dislike for personal reasons. However, there’s a chance I might get a full scholarship there. I’m just so torn… I know my parents are right about the whole social aspect. I’m at the lowest point of my life and I absolutely no friends other than the one that changed schools. However, I’m worried that I won’t make it at private school. First off, I have never, ever been to “normal” school, and switching now (I’m currently a sophomore) seems like it would be stressful. I also suffer from anxiety (most social, but I do experience random panic attacks so I’m worried about them happening at school) and depression, both of which already taking a toll on my education. I barely have the mental energy/motivation to go to school one day a week; I don’t think I could handle going 5 days.

I don’t know what to do. This is the most conflicted I’ve been in a long time. And on top of that, my friend is pressuring me to go to her school, although I’m pretty sure that one’s off the list because their education is sub-par. Any insight or opinions at all would be very appreciated. I feel at war with myself, and I’m stressing out more than I know I should be.

2

Sorry for all the errors, I didn’t proofread. Just to clarify: I currently go to school one day per week.

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I’ve only taught two kids who came from a homeschool environment. I’m sure that both were very apprehensive about starting in my school-- we have over 2,500 kids and it can be intimidating, even for kids coming from a typical elementary school background.

I want you to know that neither had any difficulty making friends.

The first moved after 7th grade-- the year I taught him. But he fit right in, had lots of friends, and was instantly accepted.

Dan, the second, transferred in as a sophomore. That’s very unusual in my school, and all the social cliques were pretty much in place when he got there. But I’ve got to tell you, by the end of the first month, it was as though he had always been there. The only way I knew he had been homeschooled was because his mom mentioned it. There was no reason to think that he had been lacking in friends or anything else, I just figured he had moved into the neighborhood. He graduated and went on to college, and still stops by on Alumni day.

Lots and lots of kids suffer from anxiety issues; I can name 2 of my current sophomores who have severe issues. But that’s OK. Your guidance counselor is well versed in the issue; you certainly won’t be the first or only of her kids with that particular issue.

As to the “catty girl” issue. I have bad news for you. Fifteen and sixteen year old girls have that reputation all over the place. It’s not universally true; you guys tend to change attitudes like you change eye shadow. But the reputation is there. The good news is that its’ an unfair label, since it’s not something permanent. Catty girl second period can be the world’s greatest friend third period.

You will make friends. Why on earth wouldn’t you??? You’re bright and well spoken. You’re musically talented. There’s nothing about you that indicates a problem. So your background is a little different from some of the kids in that school. That’s no big deal, lots of kids have something different in their backgrounds.

One last story: this year we had a 6th grader transfer in in December. (My school runs grades 6-12, in case you’re curious.) Her story was horrific; she had lost her family in a car accident 1000 miles from here in late November… She came to live with her grandmother. She has a 16 year old cousin in my school, which is how she landed there. So this quiet little girl was plopped into our huge school 2 weeks before Christmas.

She’s in my cafeteria duty, and I’ve got to tell you-- she has a great group of friends. She’s smiling and chatting and laughing, and she fit right in.

You will too. Just give yourself a break. The reason you’ve struggled up to now is simply a lack of exposure. You’ll make lots of friends.

The best of luck to you. Let us know how it goes.

4

Thank you so much for your insight. I just feel like I would be sacrificing my freedom and possibly my grades for the possibility of friends. I’m an extremely bad test taker due to test anxiety, so luckily I do most of my tests at home currently. I feel like my grades would plummet, since everything would have to be done in class. Apparently I would have absolutely no free time. My current freedom and flexibility is something I value a lot, but I have no one to spend it with. I was also planning to take college courses next year to earn college credits, but that wouldn’t be possible if I switched schools. I’m just not sure if the sacrifices would be worth it.

I’m going to spend a full class day at the school next month, so hopefully that’ll help with my decision. Again, thank you for your help.

5

What makes you think you would have no free time?

My school starts at 8:10 am, and ends at 2:48 pm. There’s an awful lot of time between 2:48 pm and the start of school the next day.

Of course, a lot of the kids I teach aren’t home right now. In just about an hour, we play my husband’s school for the Varsity basketball championships; the winner goes to the state finals this weekend. My kids are desperately praying we get the predicted snow day tomorrow, since EVERYONE (including my husband) is going to the game. (In addition to teaching, he does photography for his school, and on the side for the photography studio that does our yearbook. So he’ll be photographing for both schools.)

My point is that you may find yourself short of time by choice-- there’s so much to do! In my (admittedly very large) school, you can join anything from the yearbook to the bookstore staff to the zoo staff (technically not a zoo, but we have everything from peacocks to chinchillas to I don’t even know what. We have a staff of kids who feed the animals.) You can join the photography club or the group that visits local nursing homes. Practice started this week for the annual girl’s sports night in May, and several hundred girls are busy learning dance routines each afternoon. Some are at Math Club or Spanish Club or Computer Club or Equestrian Club or you name it.

Sometimes free time can be greatly overrated.

I say you give the school a real chance. Lots and lots of kids suffer from the same anxiety you’re talking about. Honest. Don’t let the fear that you might not do well keep you from giving this a real chance.

6

Join a club and you’ll make more friends than you’ll ever need. Bullying really doesn’t happen much at my school, but it varies school to school. You might get looks the first few days in a new class, but you’ll find a few friends that you can trust for the next few years. I agree with what all @bjkmom said. Free time in high school really depends on how difficult your classes are and time management. I have friends who take all regular level classes and have time to play xbox for at least 3 hours a day, do homework, and some participate in ECs (not that you should go that route lol).

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Drats… we lost the championship to my husband’s school. But, on the upside, we have a snow day today! :slight_smile:

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@bjkmom‌ Sorry your team lost, and horray for the needed rest of a snow day (even though most are fed up with snow at this point of the annual calendar.

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Quonta: does your state allow you to be homeschooled during the day and then attend clubs at your local public school? Wouldn’t that be a good compromise for you?
I’m mindful of the fact you find going to school 1 day a week tiring - you have to be careful to navigate what is going to be being outside your comfort zone to try new things (good) and being over-exerted (bad). I know that for some kids attending school every day (especially if school starts very early, or if the school is noisy or overcrowded) is exhausting and sometimes impossible to do.
bjkmom’s examples may be representative, or may not be. These kids may have been chatty and social before, or might have been taken in by a friendly group even if they were shy. It’s unlikely they suffered from social anxiety and such anxiety levels that they had to be homeschooled though, so while their example is potentially inspiring, I don’t think they’re an example of what you’ll experience.
Going from homeschool to school when there are mental and physical challenges is not easy. It can be worth it but you can’t imagine it’ll go smoothly right away. Be prepared for that first day at the school to be bewildering or perhaps overwhelming. If it’s tiring, rest, then try again. At both schools. Also try the public school, unless the private schools have offers, in writing, to make accomodations for your anxiety (public schools are required to provide accomodations, but private schools aren’t; however, private schools may have more leeway in working with your family if you can’t attend every day, for instance.)

Try to read Marcelo in the real world and Wonder. The first one is about a kid whose parents make him go from a special school to a public school; the second one is about a kid who has such a facial disfigurement that he’s been homeschooled his whole life, then is going to start at a private school. Both face some of the issues you’ll be facing.