<p>H’s family is very outspoken about their opinions on anything and everything. DS (rising senior) thinks he wants to become a priest. H and I have come to terms with that, and are looking at Religious Studies/Theology programs. </p>
<p>MIL mentions at least once a week (to me, not DS) that she thinks he should prepare for something ELSE first, and then do that later. We don’t agree, obviously, but how to discourage her? Next week, we are all going on an 8 day cruise with them and all the rest of the gang (22 total), and I’m concerned this is going to be one of the hot topics, despite the fact that we would rather it not.</p>
<p>The way to discourage her is to change the topic to something that she can’t argue: That it is your son’s life, and the only people who need to be concerned / “approve” are you (the parents) and the son. </p>
<p>Do NOT get involved in an argument about the merits (or lack thereof) of joining the priesthood or getting some other training. That just reinforces the belief that she has some say within this. </p>
<p>You need to move / reframe the debate from “should S get other training first and then become a priest later on” (because you could go around forever on this one) to “who are the people who need concern themselves with approving / vetting / influencing S’s decisions” (to which the answer is S and you-as-parents). </p>
<p>Think of some responses up front that close off the conversation. “I appreciate your input and I know that you are concerned about S’s future. H, S and I are all on the same page and it would be great if you could be supportive, too.” (others here can word this better than I have) Then you have to say nothing.</p>
<p>Smile and nod. Smile and nod. Bite your tongue if you have to. You might even say “you make a good point. We’ll consider that.” Make it become a non-issue. Then do exactly what you and your son want to do (or even, feel led by God to do.)</p>
<p>Also, since you say MIL makes comments to you, but not to your S (thank goodness), why not use that as a chance to ask her to keep her opinion to herself. </p>
<p>In advance of the trip you could also share the great news and tell the other cruisers how proud you are of your son’s noble career choice. If they overhear MIL’s discontent they’ll most likely jump in to stifle her.</p>
<p>I would have my H (her son) tell her firmly and directly that there is to be no discussion of this issue while on the cruise.</p>
<p>If she refuses to cooperate, then you don’t have to hang around them during the cruise - it’s a big boat. :)</p>
<p>Your family can have a “pat answer” to give anytime she refuses to follow the rules. Something like: “That subject is not up for discussion. What’s next on the cruise’s schedule.”</p>
<p>(That said, the Church doesn’t mind when future priests study some major (i.e. business) along with the required theology/philosophy classes as an undergrad…but if your son wants to major in Theo, Philo, &/or Scriptures, then that’s his choice. )</p>
<p>I like cruises – you get to see people just as much as you want. None of the cruiselines has tables that seat 22; just make sure you’re at a different table for dinner. Teens also head off in different directions on-board. We cruised with my m-i-l, who is sweet but who can also drive me nuts, and it was a very, very pleasant way to see her without needing to spend the full day (or week) with her.</p>
<p>I have a different perspective. I would tell Grandma that she is certainly entitled to her opinion, and that she should share it with S. She will either give it a try (and probably get squelched), or shut up. I would repeat that every time she bring it up to you. “You know, Mama X, if you feel that strongly about it, you should discuss it with S. It is really his decision.” Repeat as necessary. Stop allowing her to put you in the middle of a conversation she seems to want to have. Your S will likely put a stop to it if she brings it up more than once.</p>
<p>I think suggestions that your H handle this are not very realistic… Spouses are notoriously bad at handling conflicts within their own families. MIL is coming to the OP, so she should send MIL to her son.</p>
<p>One more thought about the cruise, EVERY kid gets grilled a lot about their study plans during late high school years. It is one of the few topics of conversations many people can think of right away! And everyone has advice (what college, what major, grad school vs not, etc.). Your son will have to endure some of it, it comes with the territory. It isn’t just about the priesthood.</p>
<p>We have this problem in our family. We did exactly what Missypie suggests. BTW, I once started a thread on this topic. </p>
<p>I told my son what his grandmother thinks in advance of her voicing her ideas to him. I also explained to him why I disagree with those ideas for him when grandma was not present. When my son was with grandma he politely listened, I joked around about our choices vs. her ideas, and then we did exactly what we wanted to do. BTW, grandma is very forceful and voices her opinions strongly, but she is not paying towards college. She ended up having no influence over the process. She seemed satisfied, knowing that we listened to her opinions.</p>
<p>@intparent: Really? I think that puts the son in the very awkward position of being pressured by his grandmother, someone he is supposed to love and respect. It will be very difficult and awkward for him I think to decide how to rebuff her without hurting her feelings or damaging their relationship. Whereas I think the parents of the son are in a better position (actually the HUSBAND should say something to his own mother about it). They’re adults, they’re relationship to the Mother in Law is closer to a peer level and more able to handle her on an equal basis.</p>
<p>I am more in agreement with intparent than not. If a kid really wants to be a priest, he had better get used to other people – including those close to him – thinking that his choice is wrong or weird, and feeling free to tell him that. And if he can’t convince his grandmother of his vocation, then how the heck is he supposed to convince anyone else?</p>
<p>In addition to which . . . Grandmother, although obnoxious, is probably right.</p>
<p>The few kids I have known who have felt this kind of call have been more than happy to discuss it with the skeptical. I say let Grandma and him have at it, and get out of the middle. The issue will dissipate in the open, and the grandmother will feel like she’s had a chance to provide her guidance and counsel. Or at least she’ll understand what the parents are up against. And, who knows?, maybe she will get son to think a little; nothing wrong with that.</p>
<p>I also agree with those who say that if you feel a need to muzzle the grandmother, it’s her SON’s job to do that, not her daughter-in-law’s. If I tried to make my mother hold her tongue on something like this, it would be a battle, and she would be furious with me, but if my wife tried to do that it would be Gettysburg, or Ypres, or maybe one of those battles in Kosovo that the Serbs are still mad about 500 years later.</p>
<p>SmithieandProud, in our family my kids have an excellent track record of putting their grandparents in their place when necessary, and still maintaining a close and loving relationship with them. D1 did it just last year when my dad made a racist remark just before going to an event with her where they were sure to see some students of hers that are African-American. He was (appropriately) embarrassed and contrite once she called him on it, but D1 is still the apple of his eye. If I had said it, he would have ignored it.</p>
<p>It isn’t like the OP’s son is a little kid. If he were 6 or 7 years old, then I would say it could be appropriate to “protect” him from Grandma’s attention on this topic. But he is a young adult, probably 17 years old. He should be able to handle it. I do agree with northeastmom that OP should give him a heads up on Grandma’s opinion so he is prepared if she brings it up; I would certainly do that for my kids. Might as well warn them about those famly landmines before they step on them :)</p>
<p>I have always found the “Thanks, it’s something to think about” route to be effective. Then subsequent conversations can be, “I thought about it and decided against it.”</p>
<p>Depending on the son, having the discussion with Grandma might be a good thing or not. Some kids can handle it, and some cannot. That’s another one for Mom to decide. </p>
<p>By the way, it’s not only the kids who want to be priests who have to defend their choices. My d is an English major. “Don’t you know you can’t get a job with an English major???”</p>
<p>JHS does have a point, specifically because it’s the priesthood. Your son is going to spend years - if not decades - hearing people trash priests and the priesthood. (Funny, probably a few generations ago he would have been the grandparents’ favorite because he felt the call.) Talk to him…maybe he’d be willing to explain his call to grandma for practice.</p>
<p>They are concerned. It doesn’t make sense to them, so it causes apprehension. Don’t let the in-laws feed your own insecurities or misgivings, which might cause you to “protest too much”. A gentle answer lets them be heard, have their feelings acknowledged, but doesn’t escalate any push-pull going on. </p>
<p>We experienced something similar. “Don’t you think he needs a back-up plan?” Said my in-laws gently, with open concern, as if we hadn’t ever considered it! We answered firmly that it was a well-thought-out decision (to major in music, in our S’s case), and that we felt he would do best if he knew that his whole (emphasize whole) family was 100% supportive of him.</p>
<p>We also pointed out that, if it didn’t work out, or he changed his mind, he could develop a back-up plan at that point. That developing a back-up now seemed like “planning to fail.”</p>
<p>Periodically, it would come up again. Perhaps an article they saw. Or an idea they had of how to combine his interests. We would respond the same way each time - appreciating their concern, yet asking for their support. Or at least their silence.</p>
<p>Same grandparents are so thrilled and proud of him now they sent a $1000 check for graduation, and published a graduation announcement in their church bulletin. :)</p>
<p>OK, to start off with, I am Jewish, so the paradigm of being called is not something that I can relate to personally. But, what is it about your mother-in-law’s opinion that you do not think should be discussed with your son? Maybe she has some valid points that should be considered. Don’t you think that such a significant decision should be discussed and that it is OK if not everyone agrees but perhaps you and your son could at least consider some different points of view? She loves your son and wants the best for him, and obviously sees the advantage of studying something else first, and maybe she has some valid points, and maybe your son has some valid points also about why he wants to study for the priesthood immediately. I would bring it all out in the open, and discuss it politely. You might set some ground rules for this discussion (like no yelling, for example, or showing respect) but considering a different point of view might ultimately lead to him making the best decision, or might lead to her understanding his decision. Good luck!</p>
<p>I think the issue is that the options of majoring in something else (as a back up) has already been discussed and the student had made his decision about his major. An undergrad that is considering the priesthood can major in anything, but if they don’t graduate with the theo/phil pre-reqs, then seminary takes longer. </p>
<p>It’s not that the MIL is wrong, it’s just that the family has moved beyond that.</p>
<p>Family is bigger than just mom and dad - why can’t son discuss his decision with Grandma? He is going to be defending his choice for years to come and there may be valid considerations in some of what Grandma has to say. One of my favorite priests was assigned to the parish where I met him because of his expertise in education and the parish school was in need of help; my point is that priests perform duties for the good of the church that have practical connections - adding another major/minor to theology might not be a bad idea and totally compatible with the priesthood.</p>
<p>I think it’s important to treat the son like the young adult that he is - emphasis on the adult; his are grown up decisions and he should be able to discuss his thoughts and opinions with other adults, including Grandma.</p>
<p>^^
I agree that there are practical reasons for priests to have undergrad degrees in majors like business, accounting, psychology, etc…and many do. In our diocese, we have priests with degrees in history, business/MBAs, accounting/CPAs, JDs, MDs, etc. </p>
<p>However, I think the family has discussed this issue and the student wants to major in his choice of major. I think it may have something to do with the req’d (theo/phil) classes that are needed before a young man can officially be in seminary program. Maybe the student thinks he can’t fit both (pre-reqs and a different major) and graduate on time. ???</p>
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