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<p>If son wishes to initiate discussion with grandma or solicit her opinion, nothing is stopping him. However, this isn’t the case. Grandma appears to be offering opinions where none have been asked for, and son is under no obligation to defend his decision. (Of course, he’s obligated to be polite and respectful to grandma.)</p>
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Not sure I understand. Wouldn’t becoming a rabbi be a similar thing? We would refer to that as a calling, certainly. </p>
<p>Anyways, everyone has good points. It’s all still really difficult to take in. This is something S has talked about since he was 7 or 8 years old. Back when it was “I’ll be a firefighter, then a priest.” At some point it began to sink in to us that it really could happen (the priest, not the firefighter). We realize lots of young men change their minds in this process, so we have never tried to push in one direction or the other. H and I have talked about that a lot. (H’s grandmother–FIL’s mother–for example made it clear her one great hope was that one of her 4 sons would be a priest. 2 of them spent time at the seminary during high school, which was how it was done back then. None became priests, to her everlasting disappointment, I’m sure.)</p>
<p>Have you thought that maybe the in-laws are correct. If your son is to become a priest, the Church will pay for his theology and divinity degrees. If you are paying, let him explore other areas that will help him in relating to his future flock. The church will pay for him to get a masters and a Phd. The jesuits have all kinds of degrees in verything under the sun, in addition to Theology.</p>
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S isn’t interested in becoming a Jesuit. If your D says she wants to become a doctor, will you tell her she really should become an accountant first, work awhile, and then go to med school? If S wants to go straight through, than he should do that. If he changes his mind along the way, then he will find something else, just like every other student who changes his/her major.</p>
<p>BTW, it’s certainly not my understanding of this process that the church pays for the advanced degrees - unless you consider $25,000/year seminary tuition “free.”</p>
<p>I have a good friend whose son is strongly considering the priesthood. In fact, he transferred from his original college to another Catholic college to participate in a community for students preparing for religious orders. </p>
<p>This is not meant to confirm what your MIL says (because frankly its none of her business, and I suspect she’s just hoping he’ll change his mind) but I recall my friend telling me they told her son NOT to major in religion, theology, etc because he would get plenty of that in seminary. I think he ended up majoring in philosophy, but I would think the Church would also appreciate having priests with background/education in psychology or business or other majors as well.</p>
<p>So if your S is really serious about the priesthood he might call your local seminary and ask to speak to someone regarding undergrad majors. </p>
<p>But your MIL doesn’t need to know any of this, just that you are supporting your S’s career choice and she needs to do the same.</p>
<p>Glido, it doesn’t matter if grandma is correct. It’s a boundary issue.</p>
<p>Maybe try a simple answer like, “Yes, that could work too. We’ve given him that option.”</p>
<p>The majority opinion seems to be that son’s choice of major is none of Grandma’s business. The decision is the son’s as he will live the life he chooses for himself; but I find it a typical aspect of American family life that adult’s offer very little guidance or challenge to whatever a child proposes. If the child is later disillusioned or suffers some negative consequence due to poor planning or research of their options, it is all very sad and often far too late to do anything about it.</p>
<p>Grandma can’t alter his plans, only he can do that. If his convictions are so fragile that an honest discussion would derail the train - what does that say? Grandma isn’t bringing up her questions to make her grandson miserable, she’s doing it because she cares. Just like she cared every birthday and Christmas leading up to this point when she was welcome to express her love in the form of presents. Concern for your family members and their welfare should be more than a one way obligation for Grandma to shower the kid with gifts, he owes her the respect of having an honest dialogue about things more important than the weather or what he’d like for dinner.</p>
<p>If the son is mature enough to plan his lifetime around vows of povery, chastity and obedience to the church, surely he can handle a heart to heart with his concerned Grandma.</p>
<p>Maybe Grandma just wants her opinion acknowledged. FWIT I think she’s right. There have been times when my mother voiced an opinion contrary to what was our family’s position and I dismissed it as “boundary issues”. In retropspect I should have not so quick to dismiss the merits of the idea simply because I did not like the vehicle in which the message arrived.</p>
<p>Grandma gets an idea in her head because she hears so-and-so rave about something THEY or their kid did. If you tried to follow ALL her advice she’d have you going every which way from Sunday. </p>
<p>There is no reason why S should pursue some other career first, any more than there is for anyone else’s kid who knows they want to pursue a career in X to go out, get a degree in Y, work for awhile doing Y, THEN return to school for a degree in X. It doesn’t really make any sense at all. </p>
<p>mom2collegekids is right - if they don’t have the right background, then they have to get it before they get admitted to Seminary, so it would take longer still. IMHO, 9 years is long enough.</p>
<p>A lot of priests have degrees in more things than theology, but all of the priests I know with degrees in other areas got those degrees while they were at seminary or after they completed seminary with the help of the church. At Catholic universities it’s fairly common to see priests and nuns and monks of all ages who are studying other things, especially if they are in teaching orders where having an advanced degree like an MA can be a real asset (or if they’re training to be professors at Catholic universities).</p>
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<p>The issue is who the adults are. It is one thing for parents to offer guidance or challenge a child’s proposal. It is another thing for grandparents (or other relatives or family friends), unless those people are paying for the education.</p>
<p>*BTW, it’s certainly not my understanding of this process that the church pays for the advanced degrees - unless you consider $25,000/year seminary tuition “free.” *</p>
<p>Does your diocese make seminarians pay for seminary (the advanced degree)??? My Alabama diocese pays for all of that…and so did my diocese in Calif. </p>
<p>Many of our seminarians go to Mount St. Mary’s Emmitsburg for seminary/grad school (and some go to Rome), and the diocese picks up the entire tab. Are you sure that your son would have to pay for that? I have never heard of such a thing. (I’m not talking about his undergrad, I’m talking about seminary/grad school)</p>
<p>It makes no sense that the bishop has to accept you for seminary and then expect you to pay.</p>
<p>It seems from all of the very good information here (options of who pays for seminary, numbers of priests studying in areas beyond theology etc.) that there are many things to consider within the choice of joining the priesthood. I wonder if the OP’s son will be exposed to all of these ideas. </p>
<p>I think it is typical in the averge US family to want all family discussions to result in everyone agreeing. It is the model of modern parenthood to avoid conflict with children, to “pick your battles”. Obviously from this and previous posts, this is not the model followed in my home. I discuss things with my children and we don’t necessarily agree, my children have had other adults question their choices of college major and other ideas about the world and those discussions were just that, discussions - not necessarily ending in any kind of consensus, agreement or change of plans.</p>
<p>I find the OP’s approach to the situation with MIL shortchanging both her MIL and her son - she (and many posters here seem to agree) feels the need to protect her son from competing ideas - why? As I’ve said before, if he’s really mature enough to make this commitment then he’s mature enough to have adult discussions with adults other than Mommy and Daddy. MIL is being treated like an old and useless child, someone who doesn’t have a valid point of view. Since none of the family members themselves are priests, parents and grandparents are probably equally knowledgable about the process and since this is the young man’s grandmother, not some random stranger off the street, I don’t think she needs an invitation to discuss, ask questions or offer her opinion about the path he is about to embark upon. He doesn’t have to agree with her, she doesn’t have to agree with him - but I feel the OP is treating her son like a small child by protecting him from competing ideas. The grandmother does know her own grandson after all, it’s not as though they just met.</p>
<p>Which leads me to another observation; when a parent feels such a strong need for a child to not hear a differing opinion, it often means that the parent fears another point of view will persuade the child to change course. I don’t think it’s improbable that in coming to terms with the son’s decision, the parent has found a vision of the future that now carries a high emotional investment for the parent. If the young man is question is really ready to grow up, he is ready to have a real relationship with the other adults in his life unfiltered by parental over protection.</p>
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No, you’d have to understand the 23+ year history between them and us. It’s not really “another point of view” that so much concerns me, but the constant tendency to meddle, which can get very upsetting. They often seem to disregard what WE are doing in favor of what someone they see as more successful or more wealthy or more whatever than we are, is doing. If that makes any sense. </p>
<p>As for S’s possible future as a priest having a high emotional investment for me, you are WAY off track there.</p>
<p>Bchan, you appear not to appreciate the difference between helpful opinions (hey! Have you ever thought about xyz? Just something to think about!) and meddling / interfering / giving advice and not backing off when the recipient says “yes, I’ll take them under consideration.”. If the OP says that her H’s family is the latter, then I have to trust her on that.</p>
<p>I don’t think sylvan was asking for more help on deciding whether her son should be a priest; she was asking for help dealing with m-i-l (and others?) who don’t support him. This isn’t a decision in it’s initial stages, where gathering information, pro and con, is still desired. This is a decision already made.</p>
<p>A parallel: imagine your kid was engaged to be married. He is engaged to someone he has dated a long, long time, and marriage has been in the cards for a long, long time. At what point do you quit saying, “Are you sure? There’s another girl I’d like you to consider? I’m not so sure about this one. Do you know how many marriages end in divorce?” There are some people who will continue with this line right up to the wedding, and some will continue it into the marriage. At some point, it really is more useful to offer your support rather than alternatives. </p>
<p>Syvan is looking to get m-i-l’s support for her S. Asking for it outright might be the best option. Ask them to at minimum cut the no-confidence show.</p>
<p>On the other hand, the only option might be to accept that this is how grandma is going to react, and get used to it. Really, a 23 year history of interference means that you probably just need to perfect the vacant smile and sigh.</p>
<p>sylvan - I understand the situation and don’t know if I have words of wisdom.
If your son wants to major in theo/phil then so be it. Most priests that I know of who majored in something different had another career and entered the seminary ‘late’.</p>
<p>Clearly he is being called and he is heeding that call. Good for him and good for you for giving him the freedom to follow his vocation.</p>
<p>About Grandma - have you and your son discussed her and her opinions? I think you should - and then let him handle her for the most part. You and your husband also should make it clear with the rest of the family that you expect nothing less than their full support and if they can’t give it they should not comment. Perhaps the ‘stare of death’ would be in order to convey how serious you are.
I agree with JHS’s comment that your son should feel comfortable explaining to Grandma, and other family members his decision. He will, after all spend many years looking inward and explaining to others.</p>
<p>As an aside - has he decided where he will go?</p>
<p>Right [agreeing with binx]. I think the mother-in-law/grandmother, no matter how obnoxious and “meddling”, gets to have a voice. That’s what being in a family is like. And as the kids get older, it’s not an appropriate role for their parents to shield them from their grandparents. It’s fine for teenagers to be exposed to other sets of ideas, including ideas that annoy their parents. And it’s actually a bonding experience for the teens and their parents if they learn that each of them individually rejects the grandparents’ views.</p>
<p>I agree with binx as well. I also agree that the mil/g-mother gets to have a voice, to a degree. Once, fine but if it becomes incessant then the grandson will have to figure out how to deal with it.</p>