<p>This sounds to me to be more of issue between the OP and the MIL and not necessarily between the MIL and the grandson. Lots of inlaws are opinionated and cross boundaries but I have found they really only want to be part of the conversation - they want to see their opinions valued. They see a new generation moving on and they just want to be part of it.</p>
<p>We too have similar issues with my inlaws - We actually call them my outlaws…but we now listen to what they have to say, thank them for their opinion and then make our own decisions. We don’t look for approval from them at all and we have we have tried to remain respectful ( and it is hard!) at all times.</p>
<p>I hate to admit it but they have a good point - sometimes ;-)</p>
<p>At this age, the grandson should be able to consider everyone’s opinion, solicitated or unsolicited and then make his own decision. As a priest, he will be on the receipt of the parish opinion - not an easy task. Priesthood is wonderful but it as also a difficult life-it has its own set of rules and politics. I am sure that sometime within the next 9 years, before he takes his vows, he will come to fully understand the enormity of his vocation - and by that time he will truly know if it is right for him.</p>
<p>The son has already MADE the decision, though. The decision is not open for debate or discussion at this point.</p>
<p>My FIL would like my kids to consider his alma mater, which is a perfectly fine school but just not on their radar screen for a number of reasons and has nothing to offer that they couldn’t equally get at a number of places. When he says “You should look at XXX,” it’s the type of thing that we can easily pacify him by saying, “Yes, it looks really interesting; S and D just weren’t interested in (city), but we sure have heard some good things about it, blah blah blah.” He’ll talk for another minute or two about how this particular city really is nicer than people think, and blah blah blah – and then he drops it. He just wanted to offer an opinion, but he’ll ultimately fully support where our kids go.</p>
<p>That is a COMPLETELY different scenario from when a decision has already been made. That is called second-guessing, not providing thoughts that are useful and it can easily cross the line into meddling.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl, where do you get that this is such a final decision? The kid in question just finished 11th grade. I know, to a moral certainty, and so do you, and so does his mom and his paternal grandmother, that whatever decision he has made to become a priest is a long, long way from being final.</p>
<p>He’s 17. He’s a BOY. We should be impressed that he seems to have given some actual thought to his future and his education. The family’s “decision” is to look at colleges that offer Theology programs. The kid is months away from any kind of final decision on where to APPLY to college, much less where to go, what courses to take, what major to pursue, and with what post-college career in mind, and whether he wants to make a permanent vow of chastity and wear funny clothes. Whether he wants to be a priest, a nuclear physicist, or an NBA basketball player, at this stage of his life it would practically be parental malpractice not to nudge him to follow a path that leaves some other options open.</p>
<p>That doesn’t mean the grandmother isn’t meddling, second-guessing, and taking pot-shots at her daughter-in-law. Of course she’s meddling, second-guessing, and taking pot-shots at her daughter-in-law. But it’s way too early to claim that she’s too late to express an opinion on what her grandson should study in college, and where.</p>
The diocese pays a part of the COA. Apparently a student can try to get a parish to sponsor part of it, and then the student pays part as well. How much that would be by the time he gets there is hard to tell, with the way tuition costs keep rising, lol. </p>
<p>
He’s looking at the college seminary at Gannon U, which seemed nice but we have some reservations about it. Also looking at Niagara, Canisius, and possibly a few others. We want to make a few more visits this summer, before he sits down with the vocations director (who already knows him, of course).</p>
<p>*The diocese pays a part of the COA. Apparently a student can try to get a parish to sponsor part of it, and then the student pays part as well. *</p>
<p>that is outrageous!!!</p>
<p>Does your son know that he can go to another diocese and see if the bishop will accept him (and pay!!!) Maybe if your bishop saw that he’s losing seminarians to other dioceses (who will pay), he’ll figure out a way to cover COA.</p>
<p>Yes, our parish supports our seminarians, but it’s by giving donations to buy their chasubles and their chalices - which can run into the multi -thousand dollars.</p>
<p>m2ck - that is how it is up here. In our diocese you only get help if you go to the seminary in Philadelphia. A good friend of mine had to put her son through, he went to The Thomas More College of Liberal Arts (great books) in NH. They paid for that then he did get some help at St John’s in Boston.
Also, in order to get financial help it’s my understanding that you must accept a job as a parish priest.</p>
<p>sylvan - has your son considered Mount St Mary’s (Emmitsburg)?</p>
<p>JAMO4 - he seems to want to be closer to home than that, so we have focused on closer places, although I am thinking we should look at Marist, which is about 6 hours drive.</p>
<p>How long ago was this when your friends put their S through TMC and St. John’s, and why did they choose to do that rather than going to Philly? (if you know)</p>
The problem that I see here, though, is that Grandson isn’t getting advice from Grandma; Daughter-in-law is! Grandma wants Mom, who completely supports the current decision, to accept her advice, agree with it, and then talk son out of his current decision. </p>
<p>That’s a very different scenario than one in which Grandma talks directly to Grandson, either one-on-one or in a group when the discussion turns to college/priesthood/adulthood, whatever.</p>
<p>*that is how it is up here. In our diocese you only get help if you go to the seminary in Philadelphia. A good friend of mine had to put her son through, he went to The Thomas More College of Liberal Arts (great books) in NH. They paid for that then he did get some help at St John’s in Boston.</p>
<p>Also, in order to get financial help it’s my understanding that you must accept a job as a parish priest.*</p>
<p>Yes, typically you have to pay for undergrad - no matter where you go. However, usually the diocese pays for the (post bac) grad school/seminary part. And, yes, seminarians who are accepted by bishops of a diocese become parish priests. If you want to become a religious order priest (like a Jesuit) then the bishop from that religious order accepts you and puts you thru your higher education (post bac)</p>
he just took his final vows last year, just in time to officiate at his brother’s wedding; which was really cool. They are from NH not PA - Diocese of Manchester. He grew up wanting to be a priest, never considered anything else. he picked TMC because he wanted great books, it’s a very small school and they all are required to spend a semester in Rome.</p>
<p>My brother has a good friend who entered the seminary from St Anselm’s in NH. If he is willing to go further it’s a really nice school.
Marist used to be Catholic but is no longer.</p>
<p>OP - If Grandma regularly oversteps her bounds with meddlesome interference then your son also recognizes that. I still wouldn’t buffer the conversation; it will help him refine his reasoning and his choices. And he will know his grandmother for who she is - good and bad, a far better relationship than wearing yourself out trying to protect him from someone he probably already has figured out for himself.</p>
<p>Congratulations on supporting his choices when they are not yours; at 17 there is still much room for refinement of how he arrives at the final destination and I think any and all suggestions, opinions etc. are for the best. And since he is 17, whether he follows through on this is anyone’s guess - there are a lot of years ahead and this will not be an easy road to travel.</p>
<p>I still wouldn’t buffer the conversation; it will help him refine his reasoning and his choices.</p>
<p>if grandma is the type to be relentless and stubborn, then she needs to be buffered. My dad thinks all students should take French. He thinks taking any other language is crazy. He started being relentless with my kids and I had to put a stop to it.</p>
<p>Like Pizzagirl, though, for me this would also be a boundary issue.</p>
<p>I think I would use Missy’s wording, followed immediately by, “Who wants to go for a swim?” Or, if it keeps coming up…for a tall Margarita???" :)</p>
<p>Unsolicited, from all comers? That’s where I differ. Some people are more “entitled” than others to give unsolicited opinions. Look, I don’t go walking up to my next door neighbor who is off to college this fall and offer to give him input into what he should major in.</p>
<p>I’m assuming some natural limits on who would be offering advice or sharing information and in what quantity - if your next door neighbor’s kid says he wants to be a priest and you are inclined to offer advice such as “have you thought about complimentary college majors that work with your plans, in case you change your mind along the way you’d have a useful backup” it’s likely to be a onetime question/suggestion. Obviously this conversation with Grandma might come around more frequently and if she is truly oblivious to the response she gets and does reruns like a broken record that may get annoying. However, if she does this, it’s a part of who she is, and part of being a family is dealing with the character and personality traits of the group you’ve been given. I still say he’s old enough to deal with opposing opinion on his own. It’s possible that the rerun conversations can only come to an end once Grandma is certain that her grandson has truly heard her point of view.</p>
<p>I have charming family members, I have annoying family members, but the bottom line is that they are all family. There are people on both sides of the extended family who have been critical of certain choices or decisions made by our family but I would much rather know what they really think, even if the conversation is revisited and is not coming to agreement, than to have sterile family get togethers where we aren’t free to be ourselves. We have vacationed for extended periods of time with both sides of the family, so I realize what it means to be ‘marooned’ with an inlaw who thinks you or your child are on the verge of a huge mistake, but in the long run my family’s connections have been strengthened by open discussion. Even when a family member such as the OP’s MIL is at his/her worst, I think it is wise to remember that they are expending the effort because the outcome - i.e. the granson’s welfare - matters to them.</p>