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<p>Eh, I don’t really want to know what some of them think. </p>
<p>I disagree with some of the choices that some of our relatives make with respect to their children, but those are thoughts / conversations for me and my H to have in private and nothing that it’s necessary that we ever express to them. Only if it were an issue such as safety would I express my opinion.</p>
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This is a great point. DH and I have plenty of conversations in private about what the siblings are doing, but we don’t openly criticize them for their choices. MIL and FIL, being the parents of the clan, wade right in, sometimes in rather underhand ways.</p>
<p>Example: Last year DD was a freshman. During her 8th grade year, we toured the 6 potential high schools she was to choose from (Coed catholic, Girls catholic, and highly regarded large public). After much consideration and discussion, we allowed her to make the choice, and she chose the public school, and was registered by February. In AUGUST, I took the kids for a little 4-day trip. While I was gone, DH went to MIL/FIL for dinner and they strapped him to a chair, put the spotlight on him, and demanded to know why she wasn’t going to one of the catholic choices, and shouldn’t we rethink this and get her admitted somewhere? (ok, maybe not the chair, but they put the serious pressure on him) Apparently, they felt they could have more influence on him than on me. Fortunately, he didn’t cave, and she is doing fine at public high.</p>
<p>Needless to say, I was rather irritated by this tactic. If they wanted to interject an opinion, they should have done so in January or February, rather than waiting until August and trying to influence DH while I was out of town.</p>
<p>“Wouldn’t becoming a rabbi be a similar thing? We would refer to that as a calling, certainly”</p>
<p>Actually, it is way different from what I understand, but too complicated to explain here.</p>
<p>“No, you’d have to understand the 23+ year history between them and us. It’s not really “another point of view” that so much concerns me, but the constant tendency to meddle, which can get very upsetting. They often seem to disregard what WE are doing in favor of what someone they see as more successful or more wealthy or more whatever than we are, is doing. If that makes any sense.”</p>
<p>This sounds like a difficult family relationship that is interfering with life and perhaps could benefit from counseling. Have you thought about discussing this with your priest? Or, if you are not comfortable with that, with a counselor who takes a family systems approach? You can’t change your in-laws at this point, but you can change your emotional response to them, which may also lead to a better relationship among everyone AND more tolerance and consideration of everyone’s opinions on all sides.
Good luck, and congratulations on the 23+ years!</p>
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<p>I think family connections are strengthened best when people understand boundaries, so we can all focus on enjoying our time together, rather than poking our noses into various relatives’ decisions that are none of our business and creating discord when none need exist.</p>
<p>Where does this extend to? Can grandma tell mom/dad how to spend their money, too? Can mom/dad tell grandma how to spend hers?</p>
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<p>Sometimes. Depends again on the situation and the severity. For example, would you hold your tongue if you discovered your parents were being conned? If your widowed mother were dating a gigolo? Might your parents give an opinion if an investment might be foolish? If their (adult) child were in an abusive relationship?</p>
<p>There is a difference between giving opinions, offering aid, and interfering. There are lines. It is knowing where those lines are that is the challenge.</p>
<p>I could be wrong, but it’s always been my impression that until the in-laws’ married child (not the spouse) gives a clear message to the in-laws, this kind of stuff will continue.</p>
<p>It’s easier to be “mad” at the in-laws then to put some blame on the spouse that should be putting a stop to these things. </p>
<p>The in-laws’ married child needs to clearly state such things as…if you want to have us in your life, then you must respect boundaries, refrain from second-guessing our decisions, offer advice once but respect when another choice is made, etc. If you can’t control yourself and respect our rights as an intact family, then we must limit our interactions with you. What’s your decision?</p>
<p>So I casually asked DS if he thought going straight to the Religious Studies/Theology major was the best approach, and mentioned that grandma was talking about some priests having been other things first. He just smiled calmly and pointed out that was because those people didn’t know they wanted to be priests when they started out. We agreed that they probably didn’t PLAN that path from the outset of their studies. He sees no reason to take a longer path than necessary. I suggested that the church has lots of business and administration stuff too, and that perhaps a Minor in something like Business would also be useful. I think he’s open to considering what he can fit into the schedule. </p>
<p>At least next time MIL brings it up, I can tell her we’ve discussed the matter, and she’s welcome to take it up with him personally.</p>
<p>We’re lucky that both my in-laws and my parents will offer advice if asked, and sometimes even if we don’t ask and they think we’re making a big mistake. But after offering the advice they’re pretty good at keeping their mouths shut - at least to our faces. Usually if their opinion differs from ours its because their information is incomplete or outdated. But sometimes they have valid points we might not have considered, because just like we have more life experience than our kids, our parents have more life experience than we do.</p>
<p>In this case I still suspect grandma is hoping that by majoring in something non-theological, the grandson will discover a new interest and change his mind about joining the priesthood. I’d encourage S to have a brief conversation with grandma about it before the cruise or at the beginning, then if she brings it up again he - and anyone else around - can say, “Thanks, but we’ve already talked about that.” Then change the subject.</p>
<p>But - sylvan - I will repeat my unsolicited advice. Call a local seminary and see what they recommend, because my friend’s son who was planning to enter the priesthood was told not to major in theology undergrad because he would get a ton of theo in seminary. They told him to major in something else he was interested in - I think he ended up majoring in philosophy. (I don’t know if he’s still planning to go to seminary, last I heard after graduation he was doing a year overseas teaching English as a second language, but I think that was just to give himself some more time to really be sure of his calling.)</p>
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pizzagirl, agree with you 100%.</p>
<p>*Call a local seminary and see what they recommend, because my friend’s son who was planning to enter the priesthood was told not to major in theology undergrad because he would get a ton of theo in seminary. They told him to major in something else he was interested in - I think he ended up majoring in philosophy. *</p>
<p>To get accepted into formal seminary (graduate school level), a student has to have certain pre-reqs (a certain number of theology and philosophy and maybe sacred scriptures credits).</p>
<p>Some undergrads are able to major in something else, and then include the necessary seminary pre-reqs. (Similar to someone who is pre-med and majors in - say - mathematics, but takes the pre-med pre-reqs.) </p>
<p>Those future seminarians (undergrads) who don’t include the necessary pre-reqs, have to spend a year or so getting them before formal entry into the grad seminary program. </p>
<p>If a student comes into undergrad with enough AP credits, it probably would be do-able to major in business, psychology, (or whatever) and include the seminary pre-reqs. Maybe taking some summer classes to fulfill some gen ed req’ts could also “make room” for the pre-reqs in a student’s schedule. </p>
<p>Sylvan mentioned… *that grandma was talking about some priests having been other things first. *</p>
<p>Yes, some priests are “something else first.” But, I know priests who majored in accounting/business who never worked as anything else. They went right into seminary after graduation. They majored in business (or whatever) because nearly every diocesan priest these days becomes a pastor - which involves money management, fund-raising for remodeling/expansion, and some “people skills”. </p>
<p>Some major in psychology or sociology (while also taking the seminary pre-reqs) because they believe those majors will help them better understand and pastor their flocks. </p>
<p>So, yes, a young man can KNOW he wants to become a priest and still major in something else to help him become a better steward of his future parish/flock. </p>
<p>Maybe Sylvan can remind up of what those theo/phil pre-reqs are and how many credits they consist of.</p>
<p>Highly recommnded book pick: “I Married My Mother-In-Law” (Ilena Silverman, editor; 2006). She asked strong contemporary young American writers, including Colin Harrison, MIchael Chabon, Natt Bai, Ta-Nehisi Coates, Amy Bloom and others to contribute, so the perspective includes many cultures. Some portraits are positive, others negative. Some concern FIL, MIL, and various other aspects such as siblings-in-law dynamics, post-divorce adjustments, gay partnerships and more. Its subtitle is “…And Other Tales of In-Laws We Can’t Live With and Can’t Live Without”</p>
<p>Yeah - if my D said she wanted to be an MD, I would absolutely tell her to study business. Good luck trying to make ends meet in the medical field without some business knowledge. More to the point, however, if my son told me he wanted to become a priest, I would insist thathe get some real world experience so that he had something to offer the flock. Taking 17-year-old boys and cloistering them away for a few years only to have them emerge as clergy hasn’t worked out so well for us. The Church needs real leadership more than any time in the past several centuries. It is going to take a helluva lot more than a theology degree to get done what needs to get done. AND even the Church knows that his thoughts of becomming a priest are no where near final. Listen to Granny.</p>
<p>I belong to a very large parish that usually has 3 priests on staff (now we have 2 and a deacon), so we are very often a launching ground for newly ordained priests. They spend a few years learning how to actually run a parish in real life by observing the senior Pastor before they move on. None of our newly ordained priests that I can remember has been someone who went straight from high school to college to seminary to priesthood. The youngest was in their mid-30’s. We have had a former physical therapist, former employee of a large mutual fund company, former teacher, and a former Broadway performer (those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head). </p>
<p>But that’s not to say that going straight to the priesthood isn’t also a valid path. It’s just not as common as it used to be.</p>
<p>And did they plan it that way from the outset, Lafalum?</p>
<p>That’s a good question. I don’t think so.</p>
<p>My family is Asian, and all grandparents have way too much to say about my kids’ career goals. Telling them off is out of the question, it’d be seen as totally disrespectful. The paternal grandmother routinely tells total strangers, eg those who serve us in restaurants (students who are part-time waitressing) what to major in. </p>
<p>So I tell my son to “filter” what they say, that they may have valid points (and they do), but he didn’t have to do something just to please anyone; I advised him what to consider eg job prospects, but assured him of my support. I also asked that he be respectful. He’ll probably just ignore them the way he ignores me. (Just kidding…or…somewhat)</p>
<p>Taking 17-year-old boys and cloistering them away for a few years only to have them emerge as clergy</p>
<p>Dioceses really haven’t 't done that for decades (frankly, they can’t afford it). Some religious orders might have continued the practice, but not typically dioceses.</p>
<p>The OPs son is going to a regular Catholic college and majoring in Religious Studies/Theology. That is not the old-school minor seminary. There are people in those majors who have no intention of becoming priests. There are women in those majors.</p>
<p>Taking 17-year-old boys and cloistering them away for a few years only to have them emerge as clergy
Dioceses really haven’t 't done that for decades (frankly, they can’t afford it). </p>
<p>Our diocese does. All boys who want to be priests out of high school go straight to the seminary. There are a couple each year. I <em>think</em> they get financial help if they go right into the seminary for 7-8 years vs going to college first - then to the seminary.
There are still some who prefer this - want young men to be in this environment as to not lose <em>focus</em>.</p>
<p>I think the discussion of what to major in is kind of silly. He should major in what he wants - not to be a priest necessarily but because this is what he is interested in studying.
Theology majors are not only for future priests. Go to any Catholic college and you will see both young men and women with no plans for religious life, majoring in theology.</p>
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Actually, our diocese wants candidates to go to a nearby minor seminary (also called college seminary) and study at the catholic college in the same city to get their 4 year degrees. DH and I are opposed to the minor seminary idea, and would prefer S just go to college and get his BA before going to the major seminary. Some of the colleges on our list are not technically catholic (geneseo, marist), but still have philosophy/religious studies programs which might provide the proper background. </p>
<p>DS still has to meet with the vocations director about his plans, but that’s a whole 'nother ball of wax, as they say.</p>
<p>sylvan - I like that plan. I think it would give him the best of both worlds - being in college (as opposed to seminary) and majoring in theo/phil.</p>
<p>does the vocation director need to approve this?</p>