IN over my head, OUT of steam, UP against the clock, and DOWN in the dumps...

Parent Cafe
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<p>Hey Y’all,</p>

<p>Is there anyone else here who feels like s/he is barely inching toward the “finish line”?</p>

<p><strong><em>THIS COLLEGE THING HAS TAKEN OVER MY LIFE</em></strong>!!!</p>

<p>Honestly, I am at my wit’s end. We have been through SO much this year, as so many of you have. Beginning with the early application to Yale which resulted in the demoralizing early rejection. More apps…LOTS more apps! Tedious details written in hundriplicate, forms, papers, FAFSAs, CSS Profiles, tax forms, more tax forms, staples, paper clips, files I could never manage to keep straight, glossy viewbooks adorning tables, chairs, the floors, any flat surface…and my new hangout: the post office! with its own array of fine choices–Overnight-two-day-guaranteed-delivery-confirmation-return-receipt-requested-Express (that’s not REALLY guaranteed overnight 'cause we live in boodock, KS or 'cause the letter is going to boondock, IL) Mail. The postal worker asks me if my son’s made his decision yet…<em>lol</em></p>

<p>Emotional highs and lows? Yes, we’ve covered 'em all!!! Unexpected rejection, surprising acceptances, money, no money, money again! Our decision 85% made only to find yet one more large white envelope, neatly curled to fit in the gold-painted mailbox by the front door. What will our postman bring today? Another disappointment? Another triumph? More triumph than trial for us this year. We have been lucky. We have been “successful”, and yet…</p>

<p>I have felt like a lesser mother to the other five for the past few months. Sure, they have been patient–and supportive!, but how much more can they really take? I declined to chaperone on my youngest daughter’s field trip because I can’t think that far ahead right now. My middle daughter says I can draw a college analogy to ANY situation now (not something that comes in handy on a job interview, but pretty cool nonetheless! <em>lol</em>). My oldest daugter gets approched by her h.s. teachers asking about her brother’s decision. Max keeps the teachers up-to-date on the latest finaid awards. </p>

<p>I have been inept. Today, I spent the entire day (after my middle daughter’s ortho. appt.) writing and faxing the LETTER OF SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES for the colleges remaining on his list. Yes, I could have done this earlier. Yes, I SHOULD have done this earlier. But I didn’t. I didn’t because I thought I would be doing it in vain. I didn’t because I thought he would not be accepted to any of his elite school choices. I didn’t because I lost the “pink slip” my husband had been issued and it remained lost amidst the Mt. Everest levels of paperwork that now sit precariously perched on every single flat surface in my home. My husband had to ask for a new copy of it at work <em>blush</em>.</p>

<p>I thought it would get easier in April. I thought we would be <em>done</em> on April 1st. I thought the hardest part was over. I was wrong, as I have been upon many occasions during this process. It is still hard, and it is, unfortunately, not over yet. We are still faced with a decision that we are not quite prepared to make. At this late date, we are still waiting on crucial information for the simple reason that I have been inept.</p>

<p>We are in sight of the finish line. I can see the other side, but I cannot quite make out everything on it. It looks calm there…and peaceful. Happy…and full of promise. There are beautiful buildings there and beautiful young people, harboring hope, nurturing dreams. We will be there soon…we HAVE to be, but for now…</p>

<p>I am exhausted–physically, mentally, emotionally, financially
I am IN over my head, OUT of steam, UP against the clock, and DOWN in the dumps…</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>Take a deep breath…take your family out for fun this weekend, pick something silly, outdoors and make a pact to do NO COLLEGE TALK during that time. Where one a rubber band on your wriist and thunk yourself everytime you start thinking about college, at least during the fun time</p>

<p>Sometimes, when I would get to focused on something and talk about it and drive them crazy, we have a code word. Everytime I go in that direction, they say “tatortot”…it works, its funny and we all laugh and I refocus…</p>

<p>You are doing everything you can, know that, forgive yourself for not being superwoman and know you are doing everything you can.</p>

<p>So Tatortot!!!</p>

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<p>Berurah, I know it can be all encompassing and since this is your firstborn, it is even more overwhelming. I remember keeping a baby book for my first one with every entry carefully documented and I was so worried about certain milestone. For the younger ones, there are no books, and I can’t tell you when they did what. You’ll be cured of this just by the sheer number of your kids.</p>

<p>I can also tell you that this is a fun obsession, a positive one as compared to other rides kids can be giving you at this time. This has been a rocky time for me, for reasons I cannot give at the present, but I can tell you that I feel exactly the way you describe, but we have problems, not delightful choices. Once the decision is made, you will be on to the next step. THis is actually a big deal. You are sending out your first child, miles away to start his own life. Of course it is stressful. May it stay a good type of stress.</p>

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<p>

citygirlmom~Thank you so much for the sweet post and the great suggestions! Tatortot it is!! My kids will get a kick out of that one…<em>lol</em> Yes, I think we will try to do something fun this next weekend. One of the other problems is that we’ve been SO busy with some of the other kids’ stuff (plays, sporting events) that we’ve barely had ANY family time. I will try to MAKE the time, even if it’s only enough to go to the cool little pink-painted snow cone stand near Wal-Mart… Thanks so much for your support! ~berurah</p>

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<p>

jami~Oh, honey, I’m so sorry that you are going through a rough time right now. You have infused me with some much-needed perspective. I so hope that everything works out beautifully for you and yours. G-d knows that you deserve it for all that you have selflessly given to others. Please know that my pm is always available if you need to vent. I would be so honored to be there for you even a tenth as much as you have been there for me. Sending prayers, hugs, and positive thoughts at this difficult time. love, ~berurah</p>

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<p>Hi there - Jamimom hit it on the nose. Better to have “good” problems than their opposite. </p>

<p>Still, “good” problems are stressful too. But don’t add to it by characterizing yourself as inept. From all we’ve seen here, that is in no way the case. You are doing the best you can. And that is awfully good. Sure, we all could have done things differently throughout this process. But hindsight is always 20/20! </p>

<p>When things calm down - really in just a few weeks - you will have more family time. And the next time around, you will be wiser. </p>

<p>Jamimom, I am sorry things are rocky. You are always there for the CC posters - with empathy, with an experience to share, with very good advice. I hope things turn out OK.</p>

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<p>Berurah, You neglected to mention “under the gun,” as well as, I’m sure, many more apt prepositional phrases. :)</p>

<p>I agree with all that has been said above, but wanted to add that you are in perfect harmony with the season. After all, it’s pre-Passover, when you are “supposed” to be feeling rushed, cramped, confused, tense, stressed, but ever hopeful. And very soon you will be liberated from all the negative feelings.</p>

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<p>berurah -
I am sorry to hear you are feeling so stressed right now :frowning: I know that after my son was done applying to nine colleges and deciding which one to attend, I felt the same way, except that I only have one other child, not five. My daughter even wrote a school essay about all of the commotion over her brother which included the following interesting tidbit: “I was forced to eat fast food numerous times because my mother was too busy helping my brother with his college stuff.” You are doing the best you can to do the things that have to be done in this short time frame, and it will be over soon. You are NOT inept - if you were inept you wouldn’t have gone to all of this trouble to try to help your son with the application process. If you were inept, you wouldn’t be dealing with your “problem” of too many wonderful choices.
But I know how you feel right now - overwhelmed with what has to be done and also overwhelmed because you have put a lot of other things you would have liked to be doing on hold temporarily. Try to hang in there for a few more weeks, and, as suggested above, taking a little break to do something fun will probably put everyone in better spirits.</p>

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<p>MotherOfTwo -
“I was forced to eat fast food numerous times because my mother was too busy helping my brother with his college stuff.”</p>

<p>Too funny. I get this mental picture of a young lady yearning for broccoli and getting a big mac and fries (in their elegant wrappers). Ah, the sacrifices we make for our family.</p>

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<p>Yeah, right. She is a VERY picky eater, although she is improving somewhat. (My husband compares her to the koala bear in the Philadelphia Zoo who would only eat fresh eucalyptus leaves flown in daily from whereever they come from.) Although I will miss her very much next year, I am looking forward to expanding my range of recipes back to where it was in my pre-child days.
But, on a more serious note, she was very sick of the teachers and other kids at her school constantly asking her about and talking about her brother, and Berurah’s kids are going through the same thing right now. Berurah is fortunate in that her family is very close and supportive of each other, but it has to get old for the others after a while (especially the older ones who are also in high school.)</p>

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<p>wish~Thanks for the kind words! I think that one of the reasons why this process has been so very difficult for me is that organization is my weakest suit. And this process requires so much of it! It has take a heroic effort on my part to get everything to where it needed to be WHEN it needed to be there. Why is organization so easy for some!!! You are right, I will be smarter the next time around, but I’m pretty sure that the next time will be a cakewalk anyway…totally different child, totally different needs/desires for college. Is your S getting really excited about Miami??? I know that I am for him! :slight_smile: </p>

<p>searchingavalon~let’s see…we can go with under the gun, behind the eight ball, over a barrel, in a jam…<em>lolololol</em> Prepositions can be most useful! :slight_smile: Can’t wait for the liberation from those negative feelings!!</p>

<p>MotherOfTwo~

May I just say that I <strong>love</strong> your daughter??? Oh, that is SO hilarious! My kids have been living on what we call “mish mosh”…everyone just sort of grabbing his/her own thing! My oldest daughter can’t complain, though. She is a picky eater, just like your D, so many times she doesn’t like what I make anyway (that’s how we started with the whole mish mosh thing to begin with!). You are right…my kids have been getting a LOT of the older-brother questions. Recently the little local paper wrote up an article about my S, and my middle daughter’s Algebra teacher, who also had my oldest S, made this HUGE deal out of it in front of her class <em>lol</em>. I have been pleasantly surprised at how supportive and patient my kids have been with all of this stuff. My oldest daughter, especially, has been “bustin’ her buttons” over S’s achievements as has Max, of course, who is now strongly back on the Duke campaign since the finaid packet arrived! At any rate, it is so nice to know there are others who can relate to how I feel! Thanks, MOT, for all of your continued support! </p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>Berurah and Jami-</p>

<p>So sorry to read that you’re both having a rough time. Berurah, at least you know this part MUST come to an end soon…and you’ll move on to obsess over the thread count of his X Long sheets, meal plans and housing. Yes, now that they’ve gotten into the college, they have to get into the dorm of their choice. That’s a whole nother “waiting” game.</p>

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<p>

momsdream~Well thank goodness!! I was getting a little worried about the prospect of not having anything to worry about soon…<em>lololol</em> Believe me, the thought of this coming to an end is the only thing that’s keeping me crawling toward that finish line right now!!</p>

<p>~b.</p>

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<p>Breathe. Do something just for yourself and husband. (How’s his job search coming?) Let your kid do some of this work! It IS his college years at stake here. Cook something your daughter thinks she hates or let her do her own cooking. You have an entire family who could be doing some of this.</p>

<p>Except for the worrying, of course. Every family has only ONE designated worrier.</p>

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<p>Berurah,
I will respond with a few anecdotes…then a list of specific actions in an attempt to help you drive out of “The Doldrums” (Phantom Tollbooth, anyone?)</p>

<p>The bad news is, you probably have been less available to the other 5 kids cause the college process can be all consuming… especially when we aim high…the good news is, the other 5 kids know that this same level of caring is available for them when they REALLY need it… we only have 2 kids…1 now a college freshman and 1 in the 8th grade… my very favorite t-shirt that was purchased (by me for my youngest) was one I got at the Maine Mall… in a Hot Topics store, that said only 1 word on it “COLLEGE” … it still cracks me up… our youngest hated going out to dinner with us during his brother’s senior year in high school cause the conversation was about his brother 24/7… as you yourself said, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel… hang in there. I have one question that I use in any and every situation when I start to feel down… “what is my intent?” as long as I can answer that question honestly and am comfortable with the answer, I continue down the path. If the answer is uncomfortable, then I adjust my actions accordingly. Stop the Monday morning quarterbacking and name calling… if you were so inept, your son would not have the choices he has. The “game” is not over, so focus on how “ept” you have been sooo far. </p>

<p>You mention Mt. Everest piles of paper…I have a couple of immediate reactions to this image…

  1. you thought you would be done and you could really purge… so the piles are looming larger in your line of sight then you expected…
  2. it is spring time and I would love a chance to blow thru my own home and spring clean big time, except that I almost feel defeated before I start cause the paper just keeps coming… the college paperwork is tough to sort cause until all is final, one just doesn’t know what one needs to keep…so we keep it all…I even hung a separate mail box in the kitchen just for the college info that came for S#1 as a first level of sorting when it just kept coming and coming into the house. Anyway, my point is that some of your sadness is probably just due to the change in season which affects all of us differently. My own spring cleaning/nesting is bigger than me… so every year I take on new tasks that I need like a hole in my head. So, just be glad you don’t like living with Everest in the kitchen!!
  3. losing a pink slip is a tad more serious… not sure if it is truly YOUR responsibility to keep track of someone else’s pink slip, however, I would encourage you to run to your nearest Staples (or generic office supply store!!) and buy a large box of manilla folders… and sit down and put each piece of paper in its own home with a name on the top of the folder…not sure how old everyone else is and whether they can help with this (kind of like doing green stamps or sorting coins?) but this is one family activity that could be rewarding for all? or a few? once you have done this, then it is easier to put the daily onslaught into folders as new things arrive… I use a magazine holder for each child’s collection of folders (ie current sport info, report cards, warranty for latest cd player, you get the drift), I have my own for my personal folders, current committee’s or projects I am involved in, addresses, cards, articles I want to keep, vs a holder for household items, warranties, etc… obviously this is all separate from the file drawers with financial accounts, utilities, credit cards etc. At a minimum, this gives you a consistent place to go for information that is needed spur of the moment…and it also makes it easier to delegate the management of the new info…when the kids come home with the new sports schedule and or rules for the season, you can have them create the folder and file it in their bin. </p>

<p>If you were to spend 1 afternoon doing this soon, you will feel sooo much better because it provides the illusion of being on top of things… it is sooo much easier to pick up a bunch of manilla folders and quickly run thru them to find the info you need, then a bunch of individual sheets of paper that can suck you into them with details you don’t need to digest at that moment…
4) another bit of advice I can offer is the 5 minute rule… assign yourself 5 minutes to clean up somewhere… no more, no less… just 5 minutes… it is amazing what we can do in a short window of time if we truly just focus our energies on that task… slowly, the sense of accomplishments for those 5 minutes make the next 55 minutes of that hour seem lighter…<br>
5) view this work on the financial aid stuff as a part time job that you recently accepted… you are getting paid you know…only the $$ is going to the college of your son’s dreams… it is a job that you didn’t realize was in your future, so in spite of allocating some time to it, you didn’t fully appreciate how much time it would consume as you learned the job… recognize that you will be very good at this job and fortunately, you will have more opportunities to use this new skill down the road.<br>
6) is there any chance you can schedule a massage or a 1/2 day at a spa? YOU deserve a break… I have only been to a spa twice, but each time as I leave, I have wondered why I don’t indulge more. Some gals go regularly… not suggesting that, but honestly, at a minimum, you should sign up for 1 session for each scholarship won… not just the one he accepts, but for each offer he has received…
7) finally, have the kids set up a badmiton net, or horseshoes or bocce in the yard and all have some fun together… the physical activity will bring smiles to each and every face… </p>

<p>Wishing you peace of mind…</p>

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<p>

dmd77~Oh, I didn’t mean to misrepresent my daughter!! In fact, she has been a godsend–my most helpful child! :slight_smile: If she doesn’t like what we are having, she ALWAYS makes her own stuff, and she also is the one who makes stuff for the other kids most of the time! Even with having so much done by her, there is still lots left to do with a family this size! And yep, I am the designated worrier!! <em>lol</em> ~b.</p>

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<p>jamimom, if this is the same issue (last semester senior grades) you have all my prayers and best wishes! It is hard to determine, when a situation like that arises, what is really motivating the child - pressure, rebellion, hedonism, reaction to years of self-disicipline, who knows? It is a fair bet that they don’t know.</p>

<p>As for our family, S has put me off for four days, based on his ridiculous schedule, his need to focus 100% on the musical (opens this week), and the excuse that Harvard has STILL not sent the financial aid decision!!! (Yes, I’ve called them, may not get it until Saturday). I am wanting the drama to be resolved, but I am calm, nay, confident, since I have morphed into an epic hero, thusly:</p>

<p>“First [s]he put on the goodly greaves fitted with ancle-clasps, and next [s]he did on the breastplate about his chest. [S]he slung the silver-studded sword of bronze about [her] shoulders, and then took up the shield so great and strong that shone afar with a splendour as of the moon. As the light seen by sailors from out at sea, when men have lit a fire in their homestead high up among the mountains, but the sailors are carried out to sea by wind and storm far from the haven where they would be–even so did the gleam of [yulsie’s] wondrous shield strike up into the heavens.”</p>

<p>Take that, you dithering reticent laconic evasive child! ;)</p>

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<p>“I was getting a little worried about the prospect of not having anything to worry about soon”</p>

<p>You were worried about not worrying? I think you need to visit my masseuse and then take a trip to the Caribbean!!! Breathe Berurah, breathe…</p>

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<p>Yulsie,
great visionalization! I’m afraid I’d have trouble keeping up my shield, though…</p>

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<p>The end is in sight. You are coming around the bend. You are almost there. FINISH STRONG. YOU CAN DO IT!</p>