<p>berurah - I think you need to do something only for yourself. You are a mother with a college applier on one hand and little kids on the other. That means you are still in maternal high gear because of the littles, and having to let one go at the same time. For those of us who only have teenagers, we’ve had to let go. We’ve already learned how inept we are because the teens tell us. We’ve already been taught over and over again we can only do so much, and, because we don’t have littles, our maternal hormones have receded. </p>
<p>I easily could be wrong, but I think it’s like you are still nursing - metaphorically. Which is wonderful. Wonderful for all your kids. Wonderful for those of on cc who you have instintingly supported and given hugs to. </p>
<p>But I know when I was nursing two -literally - I got bronchitis, lost 10 pounds, went to the doctor and had to put on antibiotics and was told to gain weight and wean the toddler. So you shouldn’t wean your metaphorical toddlers necessarily, but let’s find you some metaphorical antibiotics.</p>
<p>Send me the name of a spa nearby and I will get you a gift certificate for a massage and facial. Or pedicure. Or whatever you like. They do have spas in Kansas, right? I am 100% serious. It would be doing me a favor because of certain issues in my life which I will not discuss to feel that I have been of service somehow to someone so devoted.</p>
<p>Alumother,
you are very kind to offer her the spa… I agree she needs a treat and soon… maybe Berurah could be featured on Oprah as an extremely “ept” mom… along with all her immediate kind responses to folks who are trying to bolster her up… reminds me of all the thank you notes we all had to write for new baby gifts… my favorite gifts were from folks who included a free pass on the thank you note… LOL</p>
<p>The nursing analogy is <em>perfect</em>…no, more than perfect! Do you know what? There was a 10-year period in my life during which I was pregnant and/or nursing nonstop!!! June 1989-June 1999. Seriously. </p>
<p>I was SO run down physically…Instead of bronchitis, I got pneumonia when I was nursing my four-month-old second child. It was devastating. TWELVE weeks with a cough so bad and so painful that I had to get into a fetal position just to cough…I’m talking serious pain! </p>
<p>Your true empathy and more-than-generous offer have floored me, though I could never accept such generosity! I think you are a heaven-sent angel!! Thanks SO much for understanding!!</p>
<p>Tx mainparent and dstark. Maybe she will take me up on it with any luck. Oh berurah, we crossed. You were a long nurser? Takes on to know one. Believe me when I say it would be a gift for me to send the certificate as well but understand if you cannot accept. If you change your mind PM me with a spa. I cannot tell you how much I mean this. Also wanted to say to jamimom that I am really sorry to hear of any distress in your life - you are one whose posts I most like to read for the sheer life in them. Good luck with whatever it is. Didn’t we all think that the 40’s and 50’s were just going to be puttering in our gardens?</p>
<p>Alumother,
if she doesn’t take you up on the offer, make a contribution elsewhere to help a mom and your mitzvah will be accomplished. That which is given is passed on, and enriches us all.</p>
<p>I so hope that I didn’t insult you by saying that I couldn’t accept the offer! I have my own issues…those issues come from my VERY dysfunctional family which basically “taught” me that I wasn’t deserving of anything. They have NEVER stepped in when we’ve direly needed help. My late mother was of the “you’ve made your bed, you lie in it (with six kids)” and “I’m done raising kids” school. Believe me, she didn’t do much of a job with her own…</p>
<p>I LOVE to help others…I get a very real thrill from it, but I have trouble accepting offers in return. I just have a difficult time with it…I guess I feel that if I wasn’t worthy of my mother’s help, who would want to help me?</p>
<p>BUT, for the sake of us both…I am willing to try! I would LOVE a massage more than ANYTHING. I’ve NEVER had one in my whole life!!! It would truly be a thrill. So, if the offer still stands, I will do my part to get over my issue!! I can’t even believe I’m saying this!!!</p>
<p>You are all so nice and so concerned about others, including me. The problems I am having right now do not belong on the forum, I only wish they were the kind that do. But it does give me solace to be able to share my knowledge and experience in things that are going on with others as I deal with these issues. I knew when I took on these kids there would be problems, and am just living this reality. The reason there is life in my posts is because I have too often lived the situation at hand, made the mistakes and suffered the consequences. Also have reaped some wonderful benefits as well, so it has not been one way, and I am hoping that things will eventually work out. No hospitals or funerals at this point, so things can be built upon, it is not the end. </p>
<p>I’ve posted alot these past few months as I am dissolving my tutoring business so I 'll have more time, and because I do get vicarious pleasure in reading posts like Berurah’s. And pleasure if I can help someone out in a tight spot. It seems like most of the time I am just going through life not making much of a difference, especially for all my kids listen to me, so it is nice to even get a nice, well put together disagreement that I can get from this forum. But Berurah’s title for this thread really fits me to the “T” right now.</p>
<p>GO FOR IT, berurah, you’ll be so glad you did! And take her up on the facial part of it, too: it is DEFINITELY a 100% improvement over an already excellent experience to add a facial, and you’ll look in the mirror afterwards and say, “WHOA, is that MY FACE??” </p>
<p>Great suggestion, Alumother, and a very generous and heartfelt offer. What marvelous folks we are among here on CC! Who’da thunk it, eh?</p>
<p>Well, Berurah, your mom did something right as she raised you! Or perhaps you triumphed from your drive and motivation to give your kids what you didn’t get. Either way, you are doing great. Enjoy that massage!</p>
<p>If it is any consolation, with all the focus on my S, I feel that I am “neglecting” my older D, who is job hunting and very stressed. It is consoling to read some of the posts and to know that I am not unique. </p>
<p>As for the poster who saw her time and effort as a part-time job, I definitely see it that way. While S did the apps and essays, all the organizing/phone calling/strategizing/calendaring/FAFSAing etc. was my job. And while he won the acceptances and scholarships, I have a definite sense that I also earned the money we won’t have to spend or borrow! I admire the kids who do it totally on their own. But between my S’s school load, sports and ECs, I just don’t think he could have managed it. Sadly, I see a girl at his school who has few choices now - when I suggested her mom follow up with a school, she said “That’s XXX’s job!” And now it looks like she’ll be at a CC after getting waitlisted by an Ivy EA. She could surely have gotten merit if not FA but her parents apparently gave her little advice or assistance… Not their “job.” Well, I saw it as mine. And you do too. Well done!</p>
<p>Jamimom: Tried to send you a PM but you are not set up for that.
I gather from your posts that you are the adoptive mother of a batch of kids. I have always admired people who have had the generosity to do that. I suspect that you are making a much larger difference in your kids’ lives than you think, or than they are willing to let on at this time. Keep up the good work. If it helps any, go back and dig up the post where we all were discussing our screen names, and where the only picture I could concoct of you was that of Jamie Lee Curtis. Or if it helps more to ignore that concept, feel free to do so.</p>
<p>Berurah: shortly you will be worrying about length of sheets, minifridges, egg-crate foam mattresses, and other college accoutremonts, so save some energy for that.</p>
<p>Yea Berurah!! I am mostly a lurker, and I am amazed at the posters who give so much of their time and expertise. You are one of those obviously special people.</p>
<p>I am glad to see that you will accept a gift and do something just for you. I know it is hard for many of us to do that, especially moms it seems. But we all deserve to indulge ourselves. Have fun and don’t feel guilty!!</p>
<p>Yes, yes, yes Berurah the offer still stands. Oh you don’t know how happy this makes me! I am smiling and typing fast from happiness. We can do this one of two ways. You can PM me with the name of a spa or you can PM me with a name of the town(s) closest to you and I will research on the Web what places are recommended. Oh, you deserve it and this makes me happy. Guess I said that already:)</p>
<p>Sorry it took me a little while to reply - have to do some work some times!</p>
<p>I want to say that Post #32 by wish<em>it</em>was_april could have been written by me. Especially the part about saying that berurah’s mother must have done something right to have a daughter as nice as berurah.
And also the point about helping with the college admissions process being a part time job. It would be the rare kid who could manage all of these complicated forms and arrangements while taking a heavy load of academics and a full schedule of ECs. She was right when she said that those kids who don’t have someone to help out are at a disadvantage.
You are doing a good job, berurah, and I hope you enjoy your spa treat :)</p>
<p>Totally know where you are Berurah. My middle DD, also a high school senior is trying to wade through all the paperwork, financial aid, scholarships and D1 recruiting (and no she hasn’t decided and signed yet!). Her older bro is a college freshman this year so it has been non-stop, also a college athlete. Their older sis is a college junior, their younger bro is a high school junior. Between the apps for undergrad, older sis’ stuff for grad school (vet), summer internships, research, and sports (club, high school and college), I AM DONE! Cooked, fried! At this point I think they should all go to culinary school in Paris.</p>
<p>My youngest son (9th grader), also an athlete was also adopted with many special needs, developmental, physical and pyschological. As a single parent this has been much harder than I anticipated 15 years ago. And with my support structure which has been in place for him for years (his sibs), leaving one by one, it has been incredibly hard on him as well as myself. It was easier when they were all little and playing on the same baseball team!</p>
<p>I bought some of those plastic boxes which hold hanging files to dump all the paperwork in and now the boxes are overflowing! So much for organization.</p>
<p>I wish your son all the best Berurah and to you, peace. And especially to Jamimom I am sending good thoughts your way. I thought my five were difficult but just your sheer numbers are overwhelming. I honestly don’t know if I could have done what you have, I know how hard I have been stretched with mine. Again good thoughts your way.</p>
<p>I know so well how emotionally draining this lack of decision can be; we are in the middle of it too! Yikes! It is almost like it paralyzes you. There was a thread earlier about the writings of Barry Schwarz, the Swat professor, who wrote a book called “The Paradox of Choice” citing that the more choices there are, the harder it is to decide . . .people who have too many types of jeans to buy sometimes just walk out the store rather than try to pick one. It is especially tough when you have been instrumental, as I have been and you have been, in getting all these choices on the table. It is hard to watch the twisting in the wind. This is all very real, even when the choices are great ones.</p>
<p>And you are so right that this sort of stress, not knowing what is best, can literally make you sick if you let it. I love the notion of breathing, especially Yoga Belly breathing (forcing yourself to breathe slowly into your belly till you can see your belly expand, slowly exhaling) till you really do start to relax. It does help if you keep telling yourself and the other kids that this too will pass. I am telling myself this everyday several times a day. And it will all be okay. I know your son knows your love for him, and the other kids know your love for them, and everything is going to be well. And I am hanging right in there with ya, too.</p>
<p>Jamimom, I really have to tell you that I love the way you are channeling your need to help to so many people through the various forums of CC; your expertise in financial aid and college choice is not only wise but empathic, as people can really tell you have seen the tougher parts of it, either through your own trials or through those of your clients. I know that your giving of your time in this way has been priceless to so many, and I personally thank you for sharing!</p>
<p>Berurah,
Very glad you gave Alumother the gift of accepting her gift… God works in strange ways sometimes…but, the truth is that you do need a break and a treat and even though my initial post in this thread was more practical with things like filing the Mt. Everest paperwork and what have you… maybe it’s real purpose was to get the spa idea into the thread so that Alumother could take it to the next level and make it actually happen for you…</p>
<p>Wish it was April and Mother of Two,
all of this effort for the Financial Aid stuff…and even the application itself is real work and CC is just a great repository of knowledge… and while it is a thankless task at times, the best way around it is just to adjust our perspective and that is why I said view it as a part time job. Often women do a lot of “work” that is not paid but has tremendous value and we do not receive recognition for that value ever. At least nothing tangible…so, we can take the credit for the scholarship if we are doing a lot of the behind the scenes stuff that actually makes it come to fruition…and view it as our financial contribution…</p>
<p>Jamimom,
I too read a lot of your posts…I think of you as having very very broad shoulders…and I have a lot of admiration for you…and I don’t know you…but, your post about no hospitals and no funerals says you are dealing with big time issues and I can only hope that a higher power guides your children until they are mature enough to be mature in their choices. Recharging our batteries by helping others is ok… but sometimes we have to receive kindness too. So, for what it is worth I think you are the best voice of all the CC voices…and I pray that God keeps your kids safe. </p>
<p>Final thought to Berurah,
your mom was a tough cookie…if anything, you probably are saddled with trying to negate all her failures… but, this is YOUR life you are living, not hers, and of course you deserve to be loved and cared for… and all of the interest and enthusiasm from your community about what is going on with your son is proof of what you have “sown”, along with the responses you see here from your virtual community…it is time to “reap” and I promise you that by just agreeing today to say yes to Alumother, you have grown a lot inside… and maybe the goodness that will come from the massage or a facial will “pay itself forward” another time and place. What can be learned by accepting someone’s kindness is that it feels good…so then you can do it again… and maybe get a little more balance in your “Give” and “Take” columns. One just cannot give and give and give…there has to be some receiving or taking to reinforce the giving. </p>
<p>Congrats again on your perseverence in spite of many obstacles.</p>
maineparent~You, my dear, are a genius! I have LOTS more to say to you and will post again later. My oldest S is sick and I have to go and pick up some meds for him and drop my oldest D off at rehearsal. I’ve been thinking about lots of the things you’ve said all afternoon, maineparent…You are extremely intuitive. ~berurah</p>
</p>
love, ~berurah</p>