Didn’t she have a bleeding, split lip that needed surgical repair?
I don’t even want to remember my delivery. Hopefully the memory has faded. (20 years ago) The phone rang the entire time with relatives asking if the baby had come yet. I was so irritated hearing the bell ring while giving birth I told the nurse to put the phone of the hook. I agree that only the spouse and doctors and nurses should be in the room. Unless the mom to be wants someone else there too.
I can’t imagine having some party-like atmosphere with a bunch of people in the room. H’s niece had an entourage at her children’s home births…the last one in a bathtub. Seems like everyone had a camera. Afterwards all the videos and photos were uploaded onto the internet for virtually anyone to see. TMI
That said, my sister-in-law asked me to be in the room when she gave birth because she wanted me to see a vaginal birth. This was after S1’s birth. Then when S2 was also born by C-section, she was in the room to watch that.
You can set facebook so friends of friends can’t see, only your friends.
I do not place more “fault” on her for birth control, but in the future she obviously shouldn’t rely on the method they chose because it is subject to failure due to BOTH parties neglecting to use it. She is the only one who can use something a bit less prone to operator error.
I still believe I have a right to show pictures of the baby on my card, and it was my mistake to try to get her input, I should have asked son, or not asked at all.
I wasn’t so upset about not being in the room at delivery, but it would have been nice to be included at some point, or at the minimum for her mother to have come to see me while things were not progressing rapidly. I never told her how I felt about how it went .
Never suggested she should not breast feed, but did say I wasn’t comfortable with it. Baby is almost 3 months and still has not had a bottle. Son doesn’t bring him anywhere on his own, and in fact she rarely leaves baby with him because he can’t feed him, he said tonight that he won’t take a bottle.
She wants to do it all and do it the best, which is great and I can’t fault her for wanting to, but she needs to relax a little. I don’t know if it’s still hormones or just personality. Some people are better at not sweating the small stuff. If you don’t like what someone says from time to time you just can nod and forget it. You all don’t know everything about the situation, but I have been very helpful and supportive, and not been acknowledged for a thing except what bothers her. I told son that tonight. (He stopped over for something). Why do only her hurt feelings count?
My other son thinks that a pic of the three of us with our dog would be good, and a little one of them in the corner. He is willing to pose with me and dad! It may generational, when our kids were little we didn’t all use computers to make collages etc, and the grandparents back then weren’t really sending photo cards to anyone. We are one of the first generations of grandparents who have all this tech, so it’s new territory.
Didn’t read all the posts, been busy helping other family members with their own problems. Came on about health care premiums and was surprised this thread was still active!
That all said baby is adorable and doing great.
Fire away! But I’m done with this.
I’m not sure if you breastfed or not, but my middle daughter had exactly one bottle - during my sister’s wedding ceremony. My youngest never had one. My oldest had a few, but it was a pain to sterilize everything, fix them, haul them around, etc. It is common for breastfed babies to have few, if any, bottles.
You know, I believe I said earlier in this thread that I sort of don’t blame the OP for not returning - I mean, at this point in the arguement what could she say - unless she was ready to drop everything and make a 360!!! But at the same time, I support many of the statements about “siding” with the baby’s mother.
When we look outside our own personal circle - as being on CC often does - we can see that people/families truly do live differently than our own. I think there are families/cultures/traditions - whatever you want to call it - where the mother is “the mother and what I say goes!” even when her kids are well into adulthood. This “mother” often feels she is owed and has the last say in her kids lives no matter what their age. And, if that is the traditional role in that family, that could be why her son doesn’t challenge or avoids confrontation with the OP over his new family matters. He is in a no win situation! Disappoint his mother “at the helm” or tick off his signficant other?! Instead, do nothing!
Sorry, but it’s not your place to be comfortable or not with a parent’s choice to breastfeed. Wow. You get to be comfortable with only your OWN decisions regarding the feeding of your own children; I just don’t understand that statement at all. It’s not surprising AT ALL that a 3 month old breast fed baby has not had a bottle. And what do you mean you aren’t “comfortable” with another woman’s choice to breastfeed? This is the way humans were designed! A mother who chooses not to breastfeed is WELL within her rights,and there are many valid reasons why a woman would make her own choice not to breastfeed (and MIL being “uncomfortable with it” would not be one), but if a woman decides to breast feed, it’s perfectly understandable that she might not want to confuse the baby with a bottle simply to placate her own relatives.
I think you may certainly have some valid concerns/feelings with regard to being a part of your grandchild’s life, but in my opinion, you are completely out of line in this regard.
I agree that it’s not the grandma’s place to be “uncomfortable” with breastfeeding. My babies rarely ever had bottles, and when they did, it was pumped milk.
I wonder how things work out when parents of a new baby are no longer a couple and dad has visitation rights? Can mom nix visits that are longer than a couple of hours because she’s breastfeeding? Or would a court essentially order that the baby be allowed to have bottles during dad’s time?
It’s an issue, but the court will usually find that the father is entitled to his visitation time, and the mother can provide the breast milk or not, but the father gets the visitation time. For infants, usually short but multiple visits per week are preferred, but who would want to take a baby even for 2-3 hours without a bottle? No one can predict when a baby will need to be soothed. If the issue gets all the way to court, usually breastfeed is the least of the problems!
There aren’t very many singles (or newly divorced) who can continue breastfeeding exclusively after 2-3 months. Most have to return to work and put the baby in daycare, so the baby has to have bottles. Breastfeeding for a year might be ideal, but it is rarely possible for working women.
^^ I agree that many single moms can’t continue breastfeeding (no bottles) for a long time. I thought this new mom worked? I guess not?
I think I read somewhere that she goes back to work in January. Then it makes even more sense to have as much time with the baby as she can for now.
omg! get off my case on the breastfeeding. I have told her it is good she is doing it. I said “I” wasn’t comfortable with breast feeding so “I” didn’t do it! I’m not uncomfortable with HER doing it. Its possible she may have thought that’s what I meant, but I’m pretty sure I was clear that I felt awkward partly because my dad was around a lot then, but she may have felt that way. I will be talking with her soon and I will make sure she understands that.
AND maybe the dads of breastfed babies would LIKE to be involved once in a while? A bottle a day maybe? He does do bath time though.
Maybe I’m overcompensating, wanting to be involved, because I never felt like my MIL cared to be involved that much.
That’s enough of this for me ladies. I got your viewpoints. I considered them. I appreciate the different outlooks and whether I agree or not it helps me see where she is coming from. I didn’t ask to be torn down when I know I’m a good person who loves her family. Some of you are like a dog with a bone though…
My W struggled with breast feeding so we had to supplement with bottles. But as a dad I would’ve been perfectly happy if D was solely breastfed. In fact I would’ve preferred it for D’s health. Whether or not bottle feeding time would be fun for me or not never entered my mind, I just wanted what was best for the baby.
This isn’t directed at the OP, but I’m always honestly completely baffled by how many people are uncomfortable with breastfeeding. To me it’s like being uncomfortable seeing a kid eat fruits and vegetables. That’s what they’re there for, they’re good for you, you need them to live, and people have been eating them since people were invented. I don’t know how we as a society got to the point that breastfeeding is taboo for so many.
Guys are weird so I can kinda sorta understand it for them, but women being uncomfortable with breastfeeding is a real head-scratcher.
Dads can change the diapers. Nobody seems to ever line up for that one. 
@Patsam The baby is very luck to have all of you in his/her life, so many people who want to care for the little one. I’m sure your consideration of the different viewpoints expressed here will help as you navigate a relationship with your son’s new family. Sending you best wishes!
Okay, well, it wasn’t clear that you meant that…I would be willing to bet it wasn’t clear to her either. It’s good that you plan to address that in a positive way with her.
No, just…NO. If breast feeding is the choice made, then NO… the Dad doesn’t “need” to give the baby a bottle. I really think you are projecting your discomfort with breastfeeding here. There are SO many ways a Dad can be involved without insisting upon bottle feeding as some way of inserting himself into the care of the child.
Bath time is great! Your DS can cuddle the baby, rock the baby, change the baby, kiss the baby, do so many things with the baby. The breastfeeding is basically the ONLY thing he can’t do…big deal!
My mom breast fed me…I’m grateful. But there is so much more to raising a child. And I was and am to this day a “Daddy’s girl.” It’s irrelevant as it relates to later relationships…but very important in other ways, which is why it’s so important to support a decision to either breast or bottle feed…it’s THEIR decision.
<<<
AND maybe the dads of breastfed babies would LIKE to be involved once in a while? A bottle a day maybe? He does do bath time though.
<<<
I know that’s a common argument and for some couples that’s fine…whatever works. However, the truth is that dads can be involved a whole lot more than “once in awhile” without ever giving their baby a bottle. Diaper changing, baths, rocking, holding, soothing, playing, dressing, and so forth, are all ways that dads can be involved a whole lot more than once in awhile. It’s not as if breastfeeding somehow shuts a dad out.
I totally understand that you didn’t feel comfortable breastfeeding your own. That’s totally cool. However, such remarks to a new mom can be off-putting. My own MIL, who was easy to get along with, was VERY uncomfortable with the concept of breastfeeding, and let everyone know it. Luckily, I come from a strong mom who breastfed so MIL’s words meant nothing to me…but to another new mom, her words could have been annoying. H, who can be terribly funny, told his mom that he didn’t want his kids “being breastfed thru a falsie.” Luckily, MIL had a great sense of humor as well, and got the joke. After seeing several of her GK’s breastfed, and likely seeing the convenience, she got over whatever issues she had.
I was not breastfed. Don’t know why nor care. I don’t know if I’ll breastfeed for a variety of reasons. I’ve said before the idea creeps me out. (But so does pregnancy and childbirth… I’m really just not a maternal person.)
I’d never say it to a mother who is breastfeeding though… or anyone, really. And I fight to make sure women can breastfeed whenever and wherever a baby needs it. My, or anyone else’s, discomfort is wayyyy secondary to the health of the baby. I have sat next to many female friends while they were breastfeeding and I suck it up and make no comments about it.
Dads can be involved in MANY ways, but anatomically they jut cannot be involved in the actual pregnancy, childbirth, or breastfeeding. Figure out another way to do it.
Many parents have to understand the boundaries that their sons and daughters place once they begin their own family - of course that boundary needs to be well established if S/D especially if they are living in geographic area and are financially independent of the parents. Usually parents do learn when their S/D lives away, that if they do not respect the wishes of the young adults, they will see less of them - why go to the trouble of seeing relatives that give you grief? And if you force a visit to them, that can also be unpleasant.
I know my nephew’s wife had very strong ideas when she had her first child, and even some with her second. She later shared in her blog that she had not been around infants/small children, and had a lot to learn and wanted to not be overwhelmed but instead seeking out help from friends (that were young mothers) when she needed it. She made it very clear to her parents and to her in-laws that they wanted to buy the primary things for the baby, etc. So they have had smooth sailing with a good understanding up front (this was first grandchild on both sides), and now they have been married 5 years and have 3 children (which includes two daughters). She now is more open on more areas - so I brought a few boxes of toys and books I had saved, and some special items (wool clothing items - two matching handmade unisex sweater/hats from Ireland, two Swiss dresses - which fit the older daughter now) - very well received now. As her daughters get older, I can pass on some other matching items saved. She was a bit nervous about how she would handle two, but that transition went well. Now with the third, the children and her are at the house more. She has gone through all the mother/child adjustments and is enjoying life - often contrasting baby pictures between the two daughters.
My niece on the other side of the family was interested in the infant/small child girl clothing, as she had a daughter. So my older daughter and I went through the saved stuff and sent her a large box, which was very well received. When her daughter was ‘crazy’ for Clifford the Big Red Dog, I asked and they were interested in our early book series (starting with Clifford the Big Red Dog) so we sent our Clifford books and took the boxes of books to grandma’s house so they could go through and take back as the little one was ready to read them or they had the room. We had a whole Sesame Street hard back book series that grandma was able to buy at a yard sale.
We built a house with a lot of storage, and tried to have enough of the classical toys, books, and timeless clothing items. Many people do not have the luxury of the extra storage space, and some families share between cousins and really don’t spare much for the next generation.
If one respects boundaries established.
Boundaries the other way often go with finances - my sister (and her parents) have to be very careful not to ‘enable’ - my sister already got sucked in to helping pay off the vehicle her DIL wanted (DIL wanted the house, the vehicle and the baby right away, and the vehicle was at fairly high interest rate). Since sis gave money to this son, she gave an equal amount to her other son.
I am going to make a general comment that most SAHM will breast feed unless they really do not want to. Outside of her H, her medical providers, and anyone she seeks information about it - others should not make negative comments or meddle. One needs to be sensitive to the nuclear family (H/W/new baby). I had a demanding job and was 37 and 39 when I had my children, so I did not see breast feeding as a option - I didn’t want to be physically worn down, and wanted to be able to give good energy at home while keeping up the demands at work. Our niece as a military officer also did not breast feed. The SAHM niece did. With the cost of baby formula weighing in too.
The book “Boundaries” by Dr Henry Cloud is excellent.
OP I will make the general comment that most new mothers are going to have strong opinions - they are going through new territory and have to protect themselves in some ways - sort of having defenses up as they sort things through in their mind, the changes with their body, their nuclear family life and life around them. The H/W have the right to direct their lives and gain the respect of their parents - respect is a two way street.
Sometimes the strong opinions have already come out - during courtship, engagement, wedding, etc.
Apologize for overstepping boundaries. Read the book. Take your cues from S/DIL.
The OP may have checked out, but I have strong feelings about how to support a new mom, so here goes this old dog with that bone. The only reasons for a breastfed baby to get a bottle (of anything) are because the parents want to do it, or if it becomes medically necessary. There is no obligation, EVER, for parents to make feeding decisions to oblige a grandmother. And that goes for parents who choose formula over breastmilk, too.
There are so many ways for the baby’s dad to share in parenting a newborn that don’t involve feeding. My kids knew their dad’s voice in the delivery room and became alert when he spoke. He changed them (well, as newborns anyway), bathed them, gave them those ridiculous vitamin drops that I don’t think are required any more, walked them, rocked them, sang to them, clipped their fingernails - pretty much everything that didn’t involve feeding. He didn’t need to feed them because he knew they recognized him as that nice man who always picks them up but doesn’t have any milk on him.
It’s not uncommon for 3-month old babies who are exclusively breastfed to be reluctant to take a bottle. That doesn’t mean they never will, or can’t be convinced to - it requires patience and sensitive baby handling. My MIL pushed to give bottles and I eventually realized that it was an important element in her relationships with her own babies, hence the pressure. She did give a few bottles of warm water to our oldest, which Dr. Spock said would do no harm (but which I would never do today).
I don’t think anyone has said that your hurt feelings don’t count. Her feelings count more because she is the baby’s mother. If you’re still reading, I hope you try to see this situation as something other than a competition.