<p>I am now very happily divorced. I have one residual concern and am not sure how to address this. My ex has on his computer all our joint financial data, vital information about my professional status, and the usual array of confidential information. We retain one joint checking account to pay for our youngest’s college expenses and we retain one joint credit card for similar reasons. Otherwise, no financial ties remain. I am independent financially. </p>
<p>My concern: my ex’s new ‘partner’ is a woman he claimed was blackmailing him for the 4 years before I learned of his behaviors. He reported her behaviors were dramatic (attempted suicide, e.g.) in order to keep him in line. Assuming this is true, a woman who blackmailed him is now living with him and as such has potential access to all the documents on his computer. </p>
<p>His response when I articulated concern about this was that ‘your concerns are misplaced.’ Suffice it to say, this is hardly ‘reassuring.’</p>
<p>I am surely not the only divorced person with concerns about this. Does anyone on CC have experience, ideas, resources for dealing with this? I don;t trust him and I don;t trust her.</p>
<p>This sounds obvious, and probably only addresses a small aspect of your understandable concerns, but am I right to assume that you changed all the passwords on your accounts? I would not want an ex to be able to look at my financial transactions, emails, etc. </p>
<p>robym2 - Change your password to all of your accts, including access code. It doesn’t matter he has your acct information (acct number, routing information), he wouldn’t be able to access it. I would do it for your cell phone, utilities, all credit cards, bank online. I would inform all credit bureaus to not allow any new accts to be opened. I would also pay for online monitoring of your credit. You’ll be alerted if there is any change. You can also set up alerts on your credit card for any new charges (I get real time alert when my cards are used). If there is any fraudulent charges, you won’t be responsible anyway. I think you should be fine, unless I am missing something.</p>
<p>When changing passwords and the like, do not forget to consider what the bank, credit card, etc. companies ask you to verify that it is you when you call them on the phone. If the “phone passwords” cannot be changed and are known to your ex-spouse, then you may want to have the account numbers changed.</p>
<p>I agree with setting up alerts on your account.
Sorry you are going through this.
Your kds may want to set up alerts as well, the new GF doesn’t sound very stable.</p>
<p>How possible would it be for you to buy him a new computer in exchange for the current one with all of your data? If you also spring for an external drive, you could sit with him while he downloads his own files from the old machine, so that he knows that you don’t have any stuff he considers to be private.</p>
<p>Not only should you change all your passwords, but change your security questions to answers that your ex would not know. Even if HE wouldn’t misuse, you don’t want his partner casually asking, What was the name of your first dog, and getting an answer that you used as a security question. </p>
<p>Obviously, your ex’s response is not reassuring. At some point, that partner or your ex may feel a reason to hurt you financially. </p>
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<p>His response when I articulated concern about this was that ‘your concerns are misplaced.’ Suffice it to say, this is hardly ‘reassuring.’</p>
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<p>The above sounds odd. Is it possible that he made up those stories or exaggerated them to mitigate his involvement with her? Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but from your post it sounds like he was seeing her behind your back for 4 years, and once that was exposed, he provided this “story” as some kind of excuse/cover/whatever “Oh, I had to stay with her because every time I tried to break it off, she threatened to contact you or do something rash.” I think that if she truly were that unstable/calculating, he wouldn’t still be with her once the involvement was exposed. </p>
<p>Best wishes to you as you go forward. It sounds like you have been thru heck with all of this. </p>
<p>Thanks to all for the above. His thinking is a testimony to narcissistic rationalization at its best- I won’t change it so I need to ensure I don’t get burned again. I started the process of changing everything I can. I think there has to be a business in this in the current era. </p>
<p>But, maybe the divorce attorneys need to get orders in place that electronic devices get “wiped clean” of the other spouse’s info. In your divorce, sounds like the ex got custody of a computer that you both used. In such a case, could your atty have gotten a court order that your info be removed? </p>
<p>If you both have devices that shared info in “the cloud,” that would also be a concern. I was surprised to learn that my iPad stuff is showing up on H’s iPhone. I guess he accidentally put in my Apple ID & passcode instead of his own? Not sure…I just know that he doesn’t want to see all my stuff…lol. </p>
<p>mom2collegekids, I don’t think your H had to have done anything for your info to start showing up. I have two iPhones, one for business and one personal. With the new operating system, my private stuff is suddenly showing up on both phones. It really ticks me off, but I can’t figure out how to stop it. </p>
<p>Maybe so. I would like to turn it off somehow. I update a “to do” list frequently and H keeps getting an email with the “update” every time I make a change. </p>
<p>Information security is a relative new thing. Our legal system really hasn’t caught up with it yet. Many institutions (banks and insurance) are struggling with it. What’s interesting is each state has its own definition of what’s considered private information and what can be disclosed. My sense is that this will be a big area for law in the near future.</p>
<p>Second the recommendation to change all your passwords. Ideally change them all to different nonsense passwords as long as possible, and use a password manager like 1Password to organize them so you only have to know your “master” password. This ensures that even if someone manages to compromise one of your accounts they can’t easily get access to any others.</p>
<p>I also second the recommendation to put a freeze on all three of your credit bureau reports (Experian, Equifax,TransUnion). This makes it impossible for someone to open new accounts in your name unless you first lift the freeze. That includes you, by the way, but the inability to open a credit account on a whim can actually be good for your credit score. Win/win!</p>
<p>I especially second mom2collegekids’ suggestion to not only change all the security questions for all of your accounts, but change them to answers that your husband (or anyone else who knows you) would not know. The best answers to questions like those are answers that don’t even answer the question. e.g. “What was your mother’s maiden name?” - “1976 Pontiac GTO”. You can track these answers in your password manager software as well.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, you can’t fix the one most important decision in any information security scenario: whom to trust. You placed your trust in someone who placed their own trust in someone who is a security risk. There’s nothing you can do to undo that now, but the above steps will sharply limit the damage anyone can do by exploiting your personal information. </p>
<p>I agree that you should look into all of the suggestions given here and put the ones into play that you can. Also, subscribe to LifeLock type services so that you are more likely to get notified if anyone is using your personal info that they track for you. </p>
<p>But, yes, you are more at risk now. That’s part of the fall out of a divorce or really any breach and break from a trusted person.</p>
<p>Change passwords? That’s rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.</p>
<p>Get your funds out of a joint checking account, and cancel the joint credit card. Your ex has some serious issues to be paired up in what seems to be a codependent relationship with a sick person.</p>
<p>I am divorced and I would never, ever, allow my ex to have access to my money or be on a credit card with him. There are plenty of ways for two exes to pay for college and children’s expenses without leaving yourself vulnerable to financial abuse. Oh and one of my ex’s weird girlfriends got hold of all his password as well. </p>