Input on a personal statement?

Any suggestions/constructive criticism/general thoughts are appreciated. :slight_smile:

<pre><code>As the fluorescent lights dimmed, the soporific afternoon tide washed in a sea of sand-filled sneakers and lopsided barrettes and deposited them onto a shore of rubber mats. For one hour, one long-awaited hour, playground drama was temporarily forgotten and swept away alongside the array of Crayola wax. Pulse rates lessened, breathing slowed, and all but one mind was whisked away into oblivion. In Kindergarten, I never slept at naptime.
Perhaps, at five years old, I was already rejecting the idea of conformity. Perhaps my inquisitive mind could simply not lie still along with the rest. The likeliest explanation is that I probably was just not tired. For whatever reason, I refused to nap – and my childhood habits have faithfully stayed by my side twelve years later.
</code></pre>

Metaphors aside, I am being completely honest when I say that above all else I love to learn – and, more importantly, I am shamelessly able and actually extremely willing to confess my own ignorance on a subject. Just when I consider myself to be fairly well-versed in a particular area, my ever-present perfectionism, persistently nipping at my heels, reminds me that there are others to whom I pale in comparison. I can’t sleep at night without confirming that I have put forth my best effort. Ultimately, I consider myself to be a work in progress – I may not always be proud of who I am, but I revel in the fact that I am always a person under construction.<br>
Who I’ve become since the days of kickball and cubby holes is difficult to describe; even the best of writers cannot make their two-dimensional creations fully emulate real life. To start, I think the Beatles were the most influential musicians the world has ever seen, but what I really identity with is angry chick rock. Despite my state’s notorious reputation for sub-par waves, I love to surf. I am a feminist. I have wanderlust. I can, at times, be a walking contradiction. Also, through the years, I’ve developed a full-blown infatuation with words. Whether it is reading a novel, learning a foreign language, or simply using obscure adjectives, I’m all over it. I dream of having the opportunity to share with the world my love of words and language.
So while my peers are trading the latest gossip via their uniform cell phones, I am absorbed in organic chemistry, I am enthralled by federalism, I am fascinated with Gloria Steinem. I am wide awake. If I had to choose the most valuable lesson life has taught me thus far, it would be to never sleep through opportunity, experience, or education – I deeply relish all that I currently have and anticipate impatiently that which I have not yet encountered.

<p>I like your writing style, but the essay itself seems a little random. I'm not quite sure what the overall topic was supposed to be. What was the prompt? I still am also unsure what naptime in kindergarten had to do with anything. Personally, I would choose one major personality trait and focus on it instead of try to tell them everything about you in one essay, but that's just me.</p>

<p>A personal statement is just a get-to-know-you type essay; there is no set prompt. I tried to inject as much personality into it as possible, there's no one aspect of me that stands out, really, so I tried to include a little bit of everything: what I like to learn about, my hobbies, my character traits. Also, naptime is a metaphor, and I thought I made that pretty clear when I said in the last paragraph, "while my peers are blah blah blah, I am wide awake." I used naptime in the beginning to introduce that idea that even in kindergarten, I refused to follow the crowd and 'sleep' through education, if you will. Many years later, much is the same. Everyone I have showed this to so far has gotten that, but now I'm beginning to worry. Thanks for your help. :)</p>

<p>About your essay, hmmm, I think maybe you say that you are interested in learning too much. You should show it more and not say it so directly so you'll seem less like your writing what the adcoms wanna see.Also, the first few sentences are good, but maybe a little too wordy, and I DO think that you are kind of misinterpreting personal statement that the essay is too random- it needs to be more focused.</p>

<p>HEY, I wrote a personal statement too on sleeping as a metaphor for the most part. Will you leave me your sn or email so I can send it to you and get ur opinion. Thanks</p>

<p>I don't think I'm misinterpreting it at all? This is what commonapp.org says:</p>

<p>"This personal statement helps us become acquainted with you in ways different from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will demonstrate your ability to organize thoughts and express yourself. We are looking for an essay that will help us know you better as a person and as a student. Please write an essay (250-500 words) on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below."</p>

<p>This is the topic that I chose:</p>

<p>"A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you."</p>

<p>The focus of my essay is my passion for learning. Yes, I do deviate from that in the third paragraph, but this paragraph serves to answer the question of what I would bring to the diversity in a college community. </p>

<p>And sure, I'd be glad to read your essay, freakish. My email address is <a href="mailto:niteskyskittlez@comcast.net">niteskyskittlez@comcast.net</a>, I'll try to get back to you asap. =)</p>

<p>When I said misinterpret, I mean that a personal statement is just an essay- one that through your writing shows what type of person you are. I think you go too off topic in the 3rd paragraph, just listing things about yourself, and it isn't effective. Oh, and sent.</p>

<p>I like the part about not napping in Kindergarden, but I think it's a stretch to determine personality from an experience as a 5-year-old.</p>

<p>Your focus is too broad. I like your writing style, but being "active" is far too wide a net to cast to really delve into something deep. Isn't there something you love above all else, or something quirky? I wrote a personal essay about being an absolute neatfreak, and I could paint an actual picture with specific anecdote. With such a broad topic, you can only use "skipping stone" details rather than explore something about you fully.</p>

<p>In other words, good start. Define and deepen your essay.</p>

<p>Freud believed that your entire personality was set by 5 or 6.</p>

<p>I guess if it talks about you its ok. I wrote about an academic program I attended and it's effect on me, which is completely different. The thing with yours is that its not especially unique...like, anyone can say they love learning. You have good style though, which counts for a lot, but again, the subject is common and repeatable. I guess you did it in a unique way with your introduction, but I thought the personal statement wanted a narrower focus rather than someones love for learning. Well-written though, just refine wording and placement a little more to make it flow a little better, but I'm sure you are doing that anyways until it sounds just right.</p>

<p>I only skimmed it, by the way.</p>

<p>oh, and W.C: "I am shamelessly able and actually extremely willing to confess my own ignorance on a subject."</p>

<p>You could reword that...take out either 'actually' or 'extremely'...two modifying words sounds redundant, unless you really liked the wording? And 'shamelessly able' doesn't make sense the first time you read it, you have to glance back at it and think of what it means. That can be good or bad. Just simple word choice things can reduce the length of your essay and make it easier to read.</p>

<p>too wordy. But I like the part about not napping.</p>

<p>words that end with -ly should be sparse and used to add meaning.</p>

<p>Even if you do know the meaning of the word "soporific" and how to use it properly (which I don't doubt that you do) I would not use it in the first sentence of an essay. To me, the use of that word only reinforces the feeling I get while reading this essay- that you are writing exactly what you think the adcoms will want to hear.</p>

<p>Actually, soporific is used correctly in that sentence. In fact, I would go as far as to say that the first paragraph is perfect. The kind lulling language of the first section contrasts the sharp "I never slept in kindergaten" perfectly. </p>

<p>But the essays tapers off after the first two paragraph.</p>

<p>Your first paragraph is great --build on it. You can write about being inquisitive and alert, not wanting to spend time idly in one way or another. Don't try to fit everything there is to know about you in. Your third paragraph is like a patch -- it does not belong in this essay.</p>