<p>[Unfragile</a> - Leonard Sax MD PhD](<a href=“http://www.leonardsax.com/unfragile.htm]Unfragile”>http://www.leonardsax.com/unfragile.htm)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>A lesson I think many CC parents need to learn.</p>
<p>My daughter is a lot less fragile than her two big brothers! I think a lot of “toughness” is inborn. She stands up for herself and takes care of her own problems.</p>
<p>I do remember my parents intervening a little too often and quickly on my behalf when I was young. It didn’t take me too long to realize I had to take care of myself, after a boss yelled at me for my mom calling him! Ouch.</p>
<p>Having a lot of brothers helps girls be “unfragile” as well. :D. I’ve hear the word “teacups” used for these kids–parents are so afraid their child will break with any failure or disappointment that they treat them like fine china. Sure way to make sure your child grows up not being able to take care of him or herself.</p>
<p>Very interesting, laf. Thanks for posting!</p>
<p>My daughter is taking a senior level psych class in college and she just read an article for that class that said pretty much the same thing. Good food for thought.</p>
<p>Another noteworthy point:
</p>
<p>Of all my siblings, my only brother is the least likely to stand up for himself. I have no idea why that is, but the girls in my family are just more stubbornly headstrong than he is.</p>
<p>Interesting nonetheless!!</p>
<p>Your title talks about girls, but your quotes both reference boys as well. I can see how this could apply equally to boys and girls. </p>
<p>My kids who have done summer camps have held jobs other summers. You don’t have to work at Burger King too many summers to know what that type of job is like.</p>
<p>Very timely for me, even with sons. Thanks for posting.</p>
<p>Applies to boys too, definitely. And to non CC’ers. What I think happens to some kids, is they are given the message that they can’t pick themselves up without mommy or daddy’s help. Very damaging to some kids.</p>
<p>
So OP, what do you think exactly CC parents are doing wrong? Most of our kids are graduating from high school with top grades. Our kids also get into colleges of their choice, and a lot of our kids also have jobs after graduation. So! What have we done wrong?! I wish more students out there were lucky enough to have parents like us, if I may say so myself.</p>
<p>I am tired of having people telling me what a bad parent I am when I have put my career in the back seat, drove my girls to ballet lessons 6 days a week, gone to all of their performances, showed up at all of their school events, paid for their private school education and help made them into wonderful people they are today. So excuse me if I don’t buy into another parent bashing journalism.</p>
<p>OK, I give up, what is the difference between being “unfragile” as opposed to “resiliant”? I like to think most of us try to help our loved ones (especially our kids) become both. </p>
<p>My kids have both had setbacks and had to overcome significant hardships at school and elsewhere to get what they wanted. They mostly had to handly all isues by themselves and face faculty on their own (I had to come with them in HS at school’s insistence). </p>
<p>Because some of us have kids who have not held manual labor jobs they are “fragile?” Really? I have never held a manual labor job but do not consider myself fragile. I know many others who have never held a manual labor job but don’t think they’re fragile either.</p>
<p>I also know some folks who ARE emotionally fragile even though they can handle manual labor jobs pretty well. Really can’t understand what this article is trying to say – maybe they like the term “unfragile” rather than “stop helicoptering”? I guess, selling their article & book?</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Taleb (in his book Antifragile) defines fragile as being harmed by volatility or uncertainty, robust as being capable of withstanding volatility or uncertainty, and antifragile as benefiting from volatility or uncertainty.</p>
<p>To me, resiliance is being able to thrive, strengthen and grow from adversity, volatility & uncertainty. Not sure why we need a new term in our vocabulary, “Unfragile,” but I guess it sells books for this person? </p>
<p>Personally, this is not a new concept to many of us, but maybe to the author?</p>
<p>Kids feel empowered and ‘unfragile’ when they know that, when it is important, someone (the parent) has their back unconditionally. Being yelled at by a comic caricature of a short order cook, amusing. Being subjected to an abusive teacher, harmful.</p>
<p>Calm down oldfort. I said “many” CC parents. Not you specifically.</p>
<p>Look through threads and you’ll see parents up in arms because Billy’s teacher didn’t give him the grade he thinks he deserves, or other parents telling posters to hire a lawyer to “defend” Sally from her college’s disciplinary system, which has given her exactly the normal punishment for someone who committed the infraction Sally admits she committed. We see these parents yelling at coaches because their kid doesn’t get enough playing time or wasn’t chosen for the front row in the dance routine or didn’t get chosen for the scholarship. This desire to “fix” everything for our kids is understandable - but it doesn’t help them. It doesn’t help them to learn from their mistakes, or prepare them for the real world. Some bosses are mean. Life isn’t always fair. When you make a mistake - or make any choice - there are consequences, expected and unexpected. The unfragile adult isn’t thrown for a complete loss when they encounter these problems, because they’ve faced trouble before and worked their own way through it, and they know they can succeed. </p>
<p>CC is overflowing with parents who think their kid “deserves” to get into a top college because they’ve worked hard. No one “deserves” to get into Harvard or anyplace else. Hard work is the best way to “get ahead” in life, but it is no guarantee and everyone - EVERYONE - will face challenges and setbacks. The kids who will thrive as adults are the ones who have the self-confidence to handle the setbacks. And self-confidence doesn’t come from never making a mistake or having someone else solve your problems. It comes from knowing that YOU can handle whatever comes your way, because you’ve already handled adversity.</p>
<p>Neither the author of this study nor I is saying to throw your kid to the wolves. It is appropriate to talk with our kids and help them figure out how to deal with a situation. There are times when we need to step in (a truly abusive teacher or coach, for example). But it’s not our job to make our kid’s lives a bed of roses, and we’re not doing them any favors if we do.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>OK, how many “abusive teachers” are there out there? There are a lot of teachers (and coaches, for that matter) who expect a lot and see through kids’ efforts to slack off or get by with less than full effort. I think that’s a good thing.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I agree with this, HImom. I do always “have my kids’ backs” but that doesn’t mean I am going to keep them from experiencing adversity, volatility and uncertainty. Will I drive my daughter to dance six days a week and give up tons of my free time for her? Yes. Will I raise a fuss or have an intervention with the dance teacher if she doesn’t always get the best parts? No. Learning how to handle setbacks and disappointments is part of growing up and becoming a strong, independent adult.</p>
<p>
How much of that do you attribute to birth order? As the youngest of four, I know many other “youngest” children who tend to be more independent and resilient than their older siblings, for whatever reasons…</p>
<p>I actually agree with Sorgum in post 15. There are lousy educators and we read in the papers frequently of abusive teachers. The physical abuse gets caught with more regularity today, but the mentally abusive teachers - not so much. I think if you went to any high school which has several hundred students and a fairly large staff, and asked who is a real @#! teacher, you would get consensus on a couple of them. I think some teachers and coaches are irrational and punishing, and this is different than just a deserved grade lower than desired or expected, which may have an explanation that is understandable.</p>
<p>I want to say that I am coming from a place where I felt like my parents pretty much left me to fend for myself with problems at school, outside activities etc. from about age 10 on. For years afterward I felt like no one had my back. </p>
<p>It is also my opinion that quite a few of the parents at my D’s high school who were visible and seemingly pushing their kids ahead (or trying to) with coaches or teachers had kids who were just as assertive as the parents. </p>
<p>A lot of this seeming “pop” psychology is too simplistic. I can’t imagine a situation where I would call a professor in college on behalf of my kid - short of a real catastrophe, but I can easily see a situation in HS where the kid tries to talk to the teacher and doesn’t succeed in finding out why the paper was not “A” work or something similar, and parental intervention is needed. The parent should be the reality check - is this teacher truly an a good educator or just off base? </p>
<p>I personally don’t like the school of parenting where a parent thinks his kid is always right without taking the time to look into. I have seen a lot of that. People saying my kid isn’t doing well and it’s the teacher’s fault, rather than really understanding that the kid is not doing the work, is the “class clown” etc., and that there might be some other underlying problem. Or maybe they are just blind to what is going on.</p>
<p>Laf: thanks for posting…</p>
<p>I do take issue with the quote in post #6 though…</p>
<p>Around these parts, high school and college kids cannot get the summer jobs that involve what is described; they are going to adults and college grads (of even part time commuter college students) forcing many of our kids into camp jobs, or internships, especially in college…</p>