<p>“It is appropriate to talk with our kids and help them figure out how to deal with a situation. There are times when we need to step in (a truly abusive teacher or coach, for example). But it’s not our job to make our kid’s lives a bed of roses, and we’re not doing them any favors if we do.”</p>
<p>I completely agree with this… I always try to remind my kids to focus on the things THEY can control, not on the things they can’t. If they are not getting enough playing time, maybe they need to work harder in practice? If they didn’t do well on a test, maybe they need to study more or differently? I think it’s important to teach them that many times the power is in their own hands… and that sometimes you do all you can do and it STILL doesn’t go your way, and that is just life. But if you know in your heart you have done your part to the best of your ability, you can walk away still feeling good about yourself.</p>
<p>This should be done in sport, not in classroom. there is no need for understanding that any grade below A is accpetable. Nope, their goal should always be an A. period. Yes, they can loose this race or the game and they are trained by coaches how to be a good sport about it, Yes, good coach will give many lectures on what to feel, how to learn and how to reat the winner in case of loosing. Classroom should be to used to learn how to excell and nothing else. There is absolutely no reason to use a classroom to learn how to fail, this might result in tragic conciquences, the material that is lost while failing, will be used somewhere else, and that next class will not be understood either and it can snowball. This has been seen by my D. who was tutoring (SI position) for Chem. prof. in college. Many kids did not use math in Chem. class because they did not feel comfy with math. And that resulted in lower grades in Chem. that could have not been acceptable if for example, Med. School is in a future.<br>
Please, make them learn how to fail outside of classroom. Please, make them to excell in classroom including in the most challengin classes.</p>
<p>^Fragile child might not be so bad at all. Extra sensitivity helps in most cases, these kids just need to learn how not to take personally some artificially created negativities. But this is lief long process and 20-something are still learning, forget about teenager, the child will be OK. The child is still with you, you can explain what is going on and continue explaining for the rest of your life. I am doing that to mine and she is in Grad. school and knows exactly how to feel about certain things and how to shield yourself, but knowing and actually doing are 2 different things, so needs to hear about from me and her advisor (she discussed it with advisor on my advice). So, saying that proffessionals should not be involved is INCORRECT. They should be involved when kid is 6 and whne she is 26. They seem to listen to these professionals better than their parents. I vividly remember, when my D. was 6 and did not get a ribbon after winning th race, she was crying for 2 days and I could not help it. I have asked her coach to explain to her that she was disqualified, so despite of the fastest time, she did not wil. It took coach about 2 min. to restore a peace in my family. Why not? Yes, ask professionals when appropriate.</p>
<p>Still dislike the adding of new “NON-words” to express concepts that are already fine and well-expressed in existing vocabulary.</p>
<p>I think there is some innate “toughness” that some of us are born with. I am one of 7 kids. When you come from a large household, you have some “hard knocks,” from your sib and because your folks don’t have the time or ability to intervene much (if at all). When we have much smaller family (many of us have only one or two–a few have up to four kids), we have more options about helping when each of our smaller brood has problems with the bumps along the road, whether or not it’s actually best for our darling kiddos that we get involved or let them negotiate as best they can.</p>
<p>I do believe some people are innately “fragile”. It’s possible that some people are simply hard-wired to be fragile. However, I’ve also watched friends raise “fragile” children who grew into fragile adults. Most often the moms and dads are wonderful intelligent people who mean well and don’t really realize what is occurring. It’s a shame, really, since you do need a certain amount of resiliency to remain mentally healthy.</p>
<p>^I also believe that we are all created not equal, but different. The goal is to use all your differences to advantage, not to disadvantage. it is a good idea to know (learn in child’s case) his/her difference. If person is ultra-sensitive, it is NOT a bad thing at all, there is NO reason to bend this person to be hard as a rock, it is much better approach to learn how to deal with this ultra-sensitivity that should be kept as a very positive trait that will help and will be very effective in some circumstances. One definitely would appreciate ultra-sensitive mother who is very sensitive about her child’s needs (as one example), it might save child’s life under some critical conditions.</p>
<p>I thinkit is a fine line. Often the pendulem swings one way then goes to the mid point where it should be. I see that in many of the above comments. My D’s have always been very motivated, work hard. When they were having trouble in school and it was usually math, we showed them what to do. Extra help, sometimes tutoring, but we didint push to be something they were not. They did not take AP Calculus as it wasnt for them, they did take regular calculus. Sometimes they think they arent math smart, but I think they are plenty smart to do well in calculus. However when the teacher was inadequate, I did my best by the above methods to get around it. But sometimes felt frustrated by them not doing their job. I digress but just used it as an opportunity of how to get around a problem. Tese are lessons in life that make them successful. They do not call me asking me to fix anything. But know we are here.<br>
However, it is hard to avoid playing the game to some degree as there is a game and it is foolish to ignore that there isnt. Negotiating college admissions is difficult. I hated every minute of it. But agree, it goes to far in some instances.</p>
<p>There’s a big difference between pushing your child to do their best, and intervening with a teacher when they get a grade they don’t like. The former is fine, the latter is not (except in extremely rare instances). Encouraging a STUDENT to talk to the teacher to discuss how the grade was arrived at and what can be done next time to improve is always appropriate.</p>
<p>I tried to find the article that, in a way, is very much related to this… therapists have seen a real uptick in what we would consider very loved children from stable families who are struggling with being happy. The problem was they never had to struggle or face real adversity etc to feel that innate sense of achievement. Same horse, perhaps a different color that mostly lands on the idea of parents not doing as much and kids taking on a little more.</p>
<p>I remember learning never to talk to a coach, especially when I disagreed, and only rarely did I feel I needed to get in the middle of teachers once the kids were out of middle school. My sister was a school counselor and although she didn’t have kids herself, she explained that giving them ownership of some harder conversations/confrontations would leave them feeling better even if the result was not optimal from my point of view. It would leave them with some larger control in their life. Obviously, we didn’t have any big deals, but I will admit that in one “big deal” case, I let it be known that as a family we had discussed it, S would be talking to the coach and I hoped that would be the end of it. This gave the coach the heads up that I had an opinion but I would only be getting involved if he didn’t handle things “right.” :)</p>
<p>There’s a big difference in my mind between being very present and maybe even sacrificial in giving your kids opportunity, but when you bully and/or bulldoze over people to get exactly what you want for your kid, you’re basically telling them you don’t have faith they can handle it themselves. </p>
<p>As far as hourly manual labor jobs vs unpaid internships. That’s a little trickier. There seems to be a growing catch 22 of trying to find a job without the experience employers are looking for, vs doing the unpaid internship, and let’s not forget Grad School’s etc expect all these related summer internships etc as well. My daughter went back to school and worked as a server in the evenings and weekends, which can be good money if you’re good at it (which she is). But when she met with her advisor about how to put together a resume for finding a job, she was asked why she didn’t work in a daycare or other child-related industry. Not sure there’s a lot of evening hours and weekends, unless you’re talking babysitting. Duh. So it’s very much a damned of you do and damned if you don’t kind of thing.</p>
<p>I think going to every kids event is not good for the kid. The kid needs to not count on parent being there to cheer the on. As kids years ago we did all sorts of things and we didn’t need our parents there to root for us. None sports parents aren’t there all the time.</p>
<p>There should be a balance between support and being a cheering squad. My daughter is an artist, drawing, painting, photography, cooking, novel writing,etc. does she need me there to go, hey you go girl, nice brush stroke? No. She will get rejection and people not liking her work. She can handle it, partly becuase I didn’t tell her everything she did was brilliant, partly becuase she has had to be her own inner strength and knows it takes guts to put your soul into something solo and then share with others. </p>
<p>I support my daughters all the way, but never felt we had to be there for everything ec they did. That was their thing. Sure we went to the shows they did sets for, but did we have to go to every one of them?</p>
<p>There is a generation of kids who have been told they are so special, so smart, so ll that, that they expect things to be handed to them on a silver platter. They expect immediate gratification and good jobs becuase parents have done that. </p>
<p>Many kids I know who’s parent were there for everything and always talked about how they were the best, they kids suffer down the road.</p>
<p>I’ve been fiercely independent and decidedly unfragile since high school, and yet my parents still came to almost every single game, play, etc. (Except when they were out of state, and yet even then they made it back for both of my plays every year). My dad even coached me for most of my childhood. I loved it. Would they ever contact a teacher on my behalf or do anything of the sort? Heck no. Would they be there to cheer me on? Absolutely. At 22, they still are (from afar). I’m darn happy to be able to give my parents something to cheer for. </p>
<p>There’s a book called Reviving Ophelia if anyone is interested. It’s essentially about broken girls and what they’re going through. I was not a huge fan of it but it is an interesting perspective and a quick read.</p>
<p>AO how do kids oh aren’t in sports manage without parents always cheering? The studious kid builiding a robot, the designer making her own creations?</p>
<p>Why do sports kids need parents rahrahrah all the time?</p>
<p>I rarely ever missed a soccer game, rugby match, or cross-country meet during my son’s entire childhood. I have not missed a single one of my daughter’s dance productions and have often gone to multiple performances and dress rehearsals too. But it isn’t for them–it’s for me. They haven’t necessarily cared that I was there, and in some cases might have preferred that I wasn’t. But I am acutely aware of how fleeting their youth is and how I long to extend it, even knowing that I can’t. I sometimes get choked up when I see the current high school runners out on the streets in a big pack. And I know I will be sad when I don’t “have” to volunteer at the dance studio or sew ribbons on yet another pair of pointe shoes. It’s not about being a “rah-rah” parent, but rather enjoying being able to revel in their lives.</p>
<p>They don’t need cheering parents, but I hardly consider cheering parents a bad thing. </p>
<p>I’m my mom’s only kid and my dad’s 2nd. Why wouldn’t they be there? They are proud of their kid and want to cheer them on. </p>
<p>I certainly didn’t NEED them there, but I can fondly look back on those memories. I was always happy to have them there because I was happy they took an interest in my life. And yes, it feels good when you score and your parent is there to cheer you on. </p>
<p>When most of my friends were growing up with detached parents, I am definitely not going to complain about parents that show up- even if it’s just to be a rahrah crowd. Good for parents who cheer on their kids!</p>
<p>I don’t think I ever missed a game that I was in town for, not a play production, and not an opening night of an art show. I didn’t go into them saying… hey, aren’t you perfect… and I didn’t attend every night of a performance when they were involved in theater, but I also didn’t think about not showing up just to toughen them up. Not sure what that teaches, but I don’t think it’s resilience per se. Believe me, even when you show up there’s plenty of strife and rejection. As I always tell the kids… In life, it’s what you do next that counts.</p>
<p>I didn’t go to every one of my daughters games. I would go sometimes. I would see their shows, I coached, I organized the talent shows, etc.</p>
<p>I didn’t go to everything they did. I didn’t feel the need to always be there to cheer them on. They were fine with that. Often there were parents who were there for everything. Everything. Those kids always had someone else rahrahrah ing them. </p>
<p>Guess my pointis there are kids who do many things that don’t allow for constant parental approval applause. The non jocks as it were. The kids who are the support people. The behind the scenes kids who support the stars. The crews. The lighting people. The managers. </p>
<p>How do they manage to do their “jobs” without mom and dad there? </p>
<p>I think those kids have a lot tougher then the ones who hear applause.</p>
<p>I read Reviving Ophelia and got a lot from it. agree with Moda’s sentiments.</p>
<p>I am a person whom others would consider fragile, am sensitive and it has taken me a long time to learn to not be hurt by others. However I do feel it was my upbringing . My parents often missed my things at schol and I remember feeling very unimportant. There is a difference in empowering your children, and complimenting them on everything they do. The preschool I sent them to, emphasized the process, not he product and this taught me a lot on how to parent. And was supportve of the way I felt about not following what our current culure thought we should do. My kids have had it easy but they are smart, polite, kind, independent kids. I get many compliments on them . They are aware how fortunate they are, and do not take it for granted.</p>