<p>HS senior D has recently acquired a boyfriend. He seems like a nice young man, and fairly mature. Now H has decided to make an issue of his apparent lack of an acceptable (read: Catholic) religious affiliation or beliefs. D says bf has a problem with organized religion in general. </p>
<p>H brought the subject up at family dinner recently (bf not present), IMO just to cause trouble for D with in-laws. SIL is a born-again bible thumper. MIL made a fairly disturbing crack. Now bf was invited to that dinner, and it’s likely that he will show for one of them sooner or later (every week ALL summer long). I can’t believe I have to deal with this, but I don’t think we can just go on hope that it won’t come up. </p>
<p>Looking for ways to mitigate the situation, address it in advance, hide in the attic, yada yada.</p>
<p>ETA: if you feel the need to launch an assualt on this or any religion - not the time or place.</p>
<p>Well, if he turns out to really care about your daughter, he will learn to roll his eyes and laugh it off. If not, I suppose they will run him off and daughter will stop bringing boys around them.</p>
<p>For you, smile and nod, smile and nod, smile and nod… make the occasional joke to yourself and to your friends.</p>
<p>How serious is the new boyfriend? How old is your D and how likely is she to marry this guy?
I’ve seen enough mixed faith marriages among friends and relatives to know that going into marriage with different religions is often an added difficulty (as if marriage weren’t difficult enough), and I’ve seen conflicts tend to come especially after children are born. For this reason I would advise my kids to date those of the same religion. I certainly couldn’t prevent them from dating someone of another or no faith. I wouldn’t encourage it, but I wouldn’t make a scene about it–especially very early in the relationship. If my kids wanted to marry someone of another faith, I would advise them to discuss what will be happening when, at each age, as they raise children together. Some couples don’t discuss these issues beforehand, and each has his/her own set of expectations–and merely assumes that the spouse will agree.
In your case, I would ask your H to be polite to his guests and not bring up controversial topics at the dinner table. This is something that you, your H, and your D should discuss privately. Maybe your D would like to invite bf to church?</p>
<p>My future MIL makes “jokes” about my lack of religion and often makes comments about it in a very, IMO, un-Christian way. Around my parents she used to make comments about me too until she found out that they’re weren’t religious either. Now she makes comments about all of us. We just smile and nod.</p>
<p>For me, (I’d be the bf here) when I’m around his family (much of his extended family is extreme) they love to get their cracks and digs in. Some even outright tell me I’m going to hell. I smile and nod. No need to give them any satisfaction. I pity them, really. It must suck to feel the need to put others down for your amusement. </p>
<p>I remember your previous threads and I you and your children are getting help with the other issues. Is there any way these can be avoided? At least by your D? If not, just comfort her and warn the bf if he comes around.</p>
<p>Also judging from your previous threads, talking to him will only make it worse. His way or hell.</p>
<p>I truly hope your D gets away from this person who clearly causes her discomfort, to say the least, on purpose.</p>
<p>IMO this isn’t a dating issue at all. This is just another example of extremely controlling behavior from your H.</p>
<p>My parents didn’t meet my husband, nor did I meet my in-laws until the day before the wedding. In-laws are Catholic, my parents are atheist (actually anti-religion). My husband was a rather disillusioned Catholic, and I was agnostic.</p>
<p>Our families seem to get along and we never have any disputes about religion. The main thing is that people are respectful and polite, and don’t even talk about this. Politics, it’s an entirely different animal, the arguments are intense! Though I feel that I can argue with anyone and still stay friends, I’m pretty moderate and think anyone who is too extreme, giving me talking points without knowing what they’re talking about are full of it.</p>
<p>But I think that when someone might harass a new boyfriend about religion and give him a hard time…that comes down to bullying. If your husband or his family start to do that, I would stop it instantly…whether it is changing the subject or confronting them on their rudeness. Yet, honestly, if you think they will misbehave and bully a teenager, I’d recommend to D that she avoid bringing the boyfriend around at all.</p>
<p>Excellent point by poetgrl, and perhaps something you can mention to your husband. Surely he’d rather get to know D’s boyfriends than have her date shadowy figures who drop her off at the curb and hit the gas before dad comes out. That’s exactly what will happen if he makes the guys feel uncomfortable.</p>
<p>Somebody should stand up to the bullying. Because IMO, that’s what they’re doing to your D, and what they would do to her BF if he were there. If I were your D, that someone would be me. I would say something like, “Wow, you know Jesus never treated non-believers or sinners this way! BF is not even necessarily a non-believer, just a non-church person. And who could blame him? Look at the way you church people are treating him! Who would want to be like you, hateful, mean, and rude…instead of Christlike? You should all be ashamed of yourselves as Christians. You are terrible representatives of Christ.”. And then I would seriously distance myself from all of them. But D should also think long and hard about what’s important to her before becoming seriously yoked to someone whose beliefs are quite different than hers. The issues they’re having now might he mild compared to those they would have if there were children involved.</p>
<p>My kids were brought up without religion and they most likely would not marry anyone who would ask them to convert. I think if they were asked by their BF’s family, they would give an honest answer about what’s their religion, “None.” Of course, if pushed, they probably could debate with best of them as to why they were brought up without religion, but they know their manners.</p>
<p>It is bad taste to discuss religion or politics with someone who is a guest at one’s home, even if he is your kid’s BF. I have few niece and nephews. We are all very close, but I would never pass a judgement on their SOs even if I may not have picked some of them. My brother, on the other hand, feels it is his prerogative to comment on my Ds’ BFs. He tends to do it behind their back to other family members, and inevitably it would get back to my kids, which is often very hurtful. </p>
<p>High school romance is often fleeting, but how you treat your kid’s BF/GF can have very profound effect on your relationship with your kid down the road.</p>
<p>Who hosts? If it’s the MIL, you might ask her privately not to tolerate statements around the dinnertable that will make the friends of her granddaughter feel unwelcome. MIL is probably taking all her cues from her own 2 children and could care less about a nonfamily member guest – but she should care about her granddaughter feeling welcome to bring friends around to a regular dinner gathering. </p>
<p>You might also ask D if she wants a private 3-way talk with you/her/bf… prior to the first time bf goes to that dinner. Agenda: you’ll extend him a welcome from you, and say that this branch of the gf’s family has some very nice qualities, but religious dialogue is not one of their skills. You could say that, from your perspective, it’s fine if he just chooses not to answer any direct questions others may pose to him about his perspective on religion. </p>
<p>Eventually, if it stays a relationship, I hope your D challenges him to learn more about her family’s religion than just the word “organized.” I respect people who aren’t religious for serious reasons. But when I hear a young person say they “don’t like organized religion” all it tells me is they haven’t bothered to study or learn anything about the topic. But that’s for another day. Let’s just get through next Sunday here!</p>
<p>This. No matter WHAT the subject under discussion, this is bullying and extreme rudeness, plain and simple.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>IMHO, that is the point at which you should have spoken up.</p>
<p>Personally, in the abstract, I would be less than thrilled if S married someone who was a devout anything, except maybe a Buddhist. Or a Quaker. I would certainly be even less thrilled if he was expected to “convert” to some religion–unless, of course, he had come to actually believe in it. Although that I could not imagine, frankly. In reality, I would approach any woman of his choice wit an open mind and open heart.</p>
<p>There are standards of courtesy that must be adhered to. Not negotiable.</p>
<p>My D is in a long-term relationship with someone and they are having some significant difficulties in figuring out the religious aspects if they marry. They are both religious – he is Catholic and she is Protestant – and sometimes it’s hard to resolve differences. They are trying very respectfully, but I’m not sure it’s workable.</p>
<p>To me, the issue isn’t interfaith dating. The issue is why your H would be provocative in a situation where it’s not called for, and why he wants to “cause trouble.” To me, it’s … what’s behind your H’s feelings that makes him respond with “let me tweak D in front of my in-laws and cause a fight” versus “let me talk to D privately about my concerns”? Is he concerned she won’t take him seriously? She’s no longer under his thumb? Gets glee from embarrassing her and / or embarrassing the young man? Those are the real questions on the table, not the actual merits of interfaith dating. Because honestly, most people of good will would be kind and courteous to the young man involved, even if privately they had reservations. Your H doesn’t seem like a man of good will. You are a woman of good will and you deserve better (as does your D).</p>
<p>The other thing here is … I don’t think it’s anywhere near as important if the in-laws are intolerant … the issue is that your husband, father of your daughter, is intolerant on this matter. </p>
<p>In other words, if your H and you were on the same page, then the two of you could stand united to his family and say - knock it off, or you won’t see us / see our daughter. But you’re not, and that leaves her vulnerable.
My heart aches for you all. Please seek the advice of someone professionally to help.</p>
<p>If D genuinely cares about the bf’s religion, that’s one thing. But to do it for the sake of keeping the H – who sounds like a bully – happy? No way. </p>
<p>Put the shoe on the other foot - how would you feel if your D was coerced into going to some kind of church to keep her boyfriend’s father happy?</p>
<p>If it were my boyfriend, I would stand 100% with him and would not allow bullying from family. If it started, I would simply walk out (take boyfriend with me) and let the offending party know that either they stop their behavior or all contact will be cut off. I don’t take kindly to bullying, and family doing it doesn’t make it any better. And of course, the boyfriend should not be made to go to church to appease the FAMILY (if the daughter wants him to learn about her religion, that’s a different story) - how absurd.</p>
<p>Also, I think it’s sad that people disapprove of interfaith dating/marriage. Yes, people should be made aware of the issues that come with it, so they can be discussed ahead of time. But personall, if someone told me they preferred I married within my religion, it would not be a person I would not really be someone I would want around, if for no other reason than influincing any future children and their attitudes towards the world (even if my spouse was of the same religion as me). YMMV</p>
<p>If I can read between the lines and previous posts, it seems that the problem is that H and his family are self righteous bullies. The OP has little if any control over what they say or do. As a mom, I would excuse D and the BF from the dinners, plain and simple.</p>
<p>I feel like I must have missed something. Your husband has been declared “a bully” but all I know so far is that he brought up the issue when the new boyfriend wasn’t even present. Also, I am not sure who the “in laws” are… whose? Do you have another daughter who is married or is your brother married? Basically, I am thinking “who cares what the in-laws think?” but it might depend on the relationship. Mother in Law made a “disturbing crack” but we don’t know what she said (That’s ok, I dont want to know - all I am saying is I think we are condemning people without having enough information)</p>
I would certainly be even less thrilled if he was expected to “convert” to some religion–unless, of course, he had come to actually believe in it. Although that I could not imagine, frankly. In reality, I would approach any woman of his choice wit an open mind and open heart.</p>