<p>The inlaws are the H’s parents. There is history here.</p>
<p>I would never get my panties in a wand over a BF. No way would I even bother. I do encourage my girls to marry someone of their same faith. If they can not do that, then they must make sure whatever religion they practice or not practice that both parties will support each other. </p>
<p>Religion is such a deep need for some and to have someone not support them is so hurtful. Many young adults do not realize how important their religion is to them until they are older. My husband and I are an interfaith couple but I would never stand between him and God. He decided to blend and we practice my religion since he did not want the responsibility to rest on his shoulders. I always tell him if you want to go to your church do it. </p>
<p>I do think you dh should tone it down since in the grand scheme of things he is just running off his dd.</p>
<p>I feel like I must have missed something. Your husband has been declared “a bully” but</p>
<p>I think people are basing this on previous threads that Xania has posted in. (To me), it sounds like her H is controlling and difficult. I can’t remember if he’s been diagnosed with anything.</p>
<p>I had not recalled the previous threads, but even in the OP, the poster makes it clear that he’s saying what he says in order to stir up trouble, and she expects it to be an ongoing situation where he (and possibly in-laws) will continue to do so. So, given that description of the situation, that sounds like bullying to me -at the very least, as mom2 says, controlling and difficult.</p>
<p>What M2ck said. There is a history of xania describing extremely controlling and “bullying” (abusive is a better word IMO) behavior with herself and the children.</p>
<p>“H brought the subject up at family dinner recently (bf not present), IMO just to cause trouble for D with in-laws.”</p>
<p>^^^In my opinion, this alone makes his behavior totally unacceptable.</p>
<p>Ok…there are some of you who might remember (or read) me from other posts. The couple must talk to each other about religion, their religions and how this is affecting their or will reflect their choices. This is not a cure all. But it is a good start.</p>
<p>Read the book Toxic Parents.</p>
<p>And in the end people who cause this kind of pain and tumult…aren’t mourned. Take it from someone who knows.</p>
<p>sorry, yes, “In Laws” is obvious, husband’s family :D</p>
<p>
Yeah, H has a history of verbal abuse, even some physical abuse earlier in our relationship. He can be extreme when he gets it into his head that he wants something his way.
At this point, his parents and bible thumper SIL (local). I don’t know what the positions of the out-of-town ones will be (likely to find out this summer when all of us are together for a week).<br>
You would be amazed at the amount of pressure these people can exert to get their way :(.<br>
Something to the effect that “we don’t want people in the family who don’t believe in God”. D was rather shell-shocked by the whole awkward exchange, not to mention furious with H for bringing it up. </p>
<p>Even if they are all polite enough not to bring it up at some event when the bf is actually there, there might be a tense undercurrent. When H and I were dating, we used to go to these weekly dinners, and I would often be so stressed I would basically “eat and barf”. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, exactly, because they were always polite and all. Later, I found out that I wasn’t really the type of girl they had in mind and there was a lot of pressure on H behind the scenes to find someone else. How he had the backbone to stand up to them is a mystery to me.</p>
<p>
Your husband is not making it an issue; it’s an issue no matter what. If your D is Catholic (not just tagging along to church with you, but really feels the faith), then she’s foolish to get mixed up with anyone who (a) is not similarly devout or does not share the values, and (b) is antagonistic towards her religion. </p>
<p>While it’s easy to say “They are dating, not married,” may I point out that a nice Catholic girl who dates an agnostic/atheist/hostile-to-Catholicism man is setting herself up for disaster? Those men often demand sex as a condition of dating; they often also demand that a woman who gets pregnant have an abortion. I lost count of the number of hostile-to-Catholicism men who dumped (then-hard-core atheist) moi because I wouldn’t put out. One even said, “Why would you just have an abortion? I thought you were a feminist.”</p>
<p>Now, I expect that all the CC-ers will start on how all teenagers are having sex anyway (not true), or that religion doesn’t matter (not true), but if the Catholic beliefs on human sexuality matter to your D, then she’s foolish to get human sexuality mixed up with someone who doesn’t share those values. End of story. Your husband’s actions are an issue, but your D also has an issue.</p>
<p>xaniamom: may I point something out? You said, “Later, I found out that I wasn’t really the type of girl they had in mind and there was a lot of pressure on H behind the scenes to find someone else. How he had the backbone to stand up to them is a mystery to me.” You also said, “Yeah, H has a history of verbal abuse, even some physical abuse earlier in our relationship.” </p>
<p>Some men want women who are never good enough for them/their families. Flip “despite” and “because”, and a lot of human behaviour makes sense.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Considering the husband is abusive, I completely 100% disagree.</p>
<p>ariesathena, you are mixing up SO MANY different things and making SO MANY assumptions.</p>
<p>You don’t know how importnat religion is to this girl or to her boyfriend. To many people, religion is really not in any way central to their lives.</p>
<p>When it comes to sexuality, it a matter of values and respect. If the values are dictated by religion, and you don’t agree with the religion, that’s one thing. For example, I do believe in God, and I am technically Christian, but I have been described as a spiritualist by people who know me well, because other than believing in God, I don’t follow any specific text or religion. At the same time, I don’t believe in sex before marriage or lifelong commitment (in the case of people who can’t marry). It is not a religious thing. It is not a cultural thing. It’s part of my value system. I would NEVER date a man who didn’t respect that, but that doesn’t mean I would only date Catholics.</p>
<p>The man I dated for several years was an athiest, and he was extremely respectful of my choices, and that’s not what caused the breakup.</p>
<p>I simply don’t agree with your views. There are so many people out there whose lives are not dictated by their religion.</p>
<p>I am agnostic and have been married to my Catholic-raised husband for 33 years. His mother is extremely devout- attends church daily, reads the Bible daily, attends Church supported Bible study, etc. She also “lives” her religion in her every-day life. I have never heard her say anything negative about anyone, she is kind, positive, always looks for the good in everyone, and gives of herself and her time. She has never interfered in our marriage in any way and has accepted me and my “non-belief” from the beginning. She is an amazing woman and is a wonderful role model for our children. My husband attended Catholic schools and church on a regular basis while he lived with his parents. The minute he was on his own, he chose to no longer attend church, as he did not believe in many of the concepts encompassed by the Church. I know how much it would mean to my MIL if we all attended church, but she has still never said a word. She told me once that no matter what I choose to believe, she knows that my moral values are similar to hers and that I am a good person and know what is right and wrong. She said that she gave her son the tools to make informed decisions and that whatever path he has chosen for adulthood is the right path for him. Our children were not baptized in any religion, but we did expose them to various religious teachings as we raised them. One is fairly religious, and the other 3 are not. Religion does not have to be a barrier in relationships. We have friends of all religions, and I enjoy hearing about different religious practices and beliefs. I can’t imagine limiting my children to dating or marrying into a particular belief set- it just seems so close-minded. I am lucky to have been able to have such a special relationship with my MIL over the years, and we would have missed out on that if she had expected her son to marry w/i the Church.</p>
<p>^^^If there were only a like button!</p>
<p>Your family sounds wonderful, and they examplify the values that I want to live by and also how I would like my future family to be, as well as how I would want to raise my children. I was really inspired by your post!</p>
<p>^^^Thank you- my MIL truly gets all of the credit!</p>
<h1>17 My post seems to have been misunderstood. In addition to saying the dad should be polite to his guests, I suggested that perhaps the D could invite her bf to church–NOT that she do this to please the dad, or even to go to church with her parents, but just take her bf to church to show him what it is like.</h1>
<p>My thought was that this is something a dating couple might do together. If her religion is important to her (forgetting the parents for now), and he has had little/no experience with organized religion, she could take him to a service so he can be introduced to this part of her culture.</p>
<p>ariesathena, if you go around making vicious generalizations about people who do not share your religious beliefs, you might just find that people feel free to tell you what they think of them.</p>
<p>I’m sorry that you evidently chose to date a number of obnoxious men. I would suggest to you that the common factor was that you selected them, not their religious beliefs.</p>
<p>
You wouldn’t serve vegetarian meat in order to show him what meat is like.</p>
<p>acollegestudent: I would suggest that you re-read my post. I said that IF the daughter is a devout Catholic, then she should reconsider dating a man whose views of human sexuality are likely very different from hers. </p>
<p>Consolation: ROFLMAO. Wow, attacking me for pointing out that there are bad men out there? Didn’t take long for THAT “I’m not Catholic but I’m tolerant” mask to slip right off and reveal a bigoted streak, now did it? [smirk]</p>