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Lets work through this…Those awful(agnostic/atheist/hostile-to-Catholicism) men would only demand sex from a nice Catholic girl as a condition of dating or from any girl? Catholic girls are the only nice girls or non-Catholic girls could also be nice? Would a Protestan man be considered hostile-to-Catholicism? What about a Jewish man?</p>
<p>OP didn’t say bf was an atheist–just that he had a problem with organized religion in general.
However, since he is dating a girl who is a lifelong member of an organized religion, he might be interested in this aspect of her life and want to find out about it. If he loves her, he will want to know ALL about her. (I wouldn’t equate an invitation to a religious service with serving a vegetarian meat. It’s not like they’re forcing him to be baptized or participate in the service.)</p>
<p>As a FYI, 2 Corinthians 6:14 exists for a reason. </p>
<p>Most of you would strongly caution against dating or marrying a person with radically different views on personal finances, whether or not to have children, or education of children, but when I point out that the same is true of human sexuality (except that it’s also relevant in the dating world), the fur flies. Yeah, I’ve got nothing, because it’s a position that is beyond absurd.</p>
<p>H was raised as a Catholic. I told him from very early on that I wouldn’t be going to church with him. I would have been offended if he had asked me to go to church with him. Lucky for us, he wasn’t very religious. He believes in God, but has rebelled against Catholicism or organized religion in general.</p>
<p>oldfort: why does it matter? WHY are you trying to dodge the idea that a devout Catholic girl shouldn’t get mixed up with a man who is hostile to Catholicism and (likely) does not share her views on human sexuality? </p>
<p>Common sense offends quite a few of you, does it not?</p>
<p>Whoa… Aries, your discussion is completely irrelevant to this thread IMO and detracts from the real issue- H’s bullying and the problems with the in-laws. Plus, you’re making so many assumptions that it’s really not worth discussing without more info IMO. People like this will always be miserable and enjoy other people’s misery. They’re just using religion as another means of making others miserable and bullying them. Can we stick to helping the OP deal with the highly uncomfortable situation?</p>
<p>I’m Catholic. My faith is important to me. While I never restricted my offspring’s dating in terms of faith, I think it is perfectly rational to do so. A LOT of my offspring’s Jewish high school classmates–even some whose parents were agnostic, but culturally Jewish–were not allowed to date Gentiles. The “born again” community in my neighborhood won’t let their kids socialize with non-believers at all until they are about 12. Dating someone who wasn’t “born again” while in high school–for those who permit dating at all–would never be an option. My D had a beautiful African-American classmate whose parents would not allow her to date outside her race. You can disagree with these parents, but it’s perfectly rational to take those stances.</p>
<p>Xania obviously has a lousy marriage. It may be that her H would lay down such a rule–you can only date Catholics–for his children, but is well aware that Xania would not back him up. So, he may have confronted his D about her choice when his family was there in order to have support for his position–not just to bully his D. He may also have wanted his D to be aware of how her family–yes xania’s in-laws are her D’s family–will react if she does. D may have been taken aback by her grandmother’s position, but IMO, it is a good thing for her to know what it is. </p>
<p>I think it is a MAJOR leap in logic for anyone to assume that the family will be rude and obnoxious to a guest. I fell in love with someone who is Jewish in college. My mom was awful to me and said truly hateful things. Yet she was never rude or obnoxious to my boyfriend. It was clear that her attitude had nothing to do with anything about him except that he wasn’t Christian. (She wouldn’t have been thrilled by a Protestant either, but would, I think, have been less upset.) His parents weren’t exactly thrilled either. They did tell him that if he chose to marry me in the Catholic Church, they would not come to the wedding. I don’t think it was at all unfair of them to let him know in advance how they would act.</p>
<p>Many people decide they don’t really believe the faith they were raised in and cease to attend religious services as adults or even choose another faith. It is upsetting to parents who believe in their Faith when their adult children do this. However, most accept that choice. When an adult child then marries someone of a different and/or no faith, the parents don’t blame the person they chose for their child’s loss of faith. </p>
<p>But, here we are talking about a high school kid–who religious beliefs may not yet be fully formed. I don’t think it’s unfair for dad to let his D know that he doesn’t approve of her dating someone who doesn’t believe in organize religion or, if it’s really the case, someone who isn’t Catholic. I don’t think it’s unfair of him to want her to know that if she were to marry an agnostic or atheist or someone to whom religious faith isn’t important her family --with the exception of her mom–would not accept him. </p>
<p>I agree with everyone who has suggested that xania and her H need counseling. I think it may even be that this is a marriage which it might be better to end. But I don’t think we should jump to the conclusion that the only reason H brought up the issue was to bully his D.</p>
<p>ariesathena - Where did OP say her daughter was a devout Catholic girl? Even if she was a devout Catholic, she could still go out with someone who is not, but is respectful of the fact that she is a Catholic. How do you jump to the conclusion that any man who is not a Catholic would demand sex as a condition for dating? Common sense doesn’t offend me, overall reaching statement not backed by facts offends me.</p>
<p>Wow, perhaps my naivete is showing through, but this whole thread has me just amazed!</p>
<p>I am about as Catholic as you can get. I went to Catholic grade school, all-girls Catholic high school and Catholic colleges. My mother goes to church every day and says the rosary twice each day. All of my aunts, uncles, cousins and other relatives are very religious.</p>
<p>Through the years, in our extended family, we have had several boyfriends, girlfriends, fiancees and yes, husbands and wives who are not Catholic join the family. As long as they were respectful, good people (as the OP described the bf) there has never been a problem. Everyone is welcomed with open arms. That is WJWD.</p>
<p>Christ’s message to us all is to treat each other as we would like to be treated. He doesn’t stipulate about creed or color. I find it offensive and extremely un-Christian for anyone to criticize someone - particularly a young teenager - for not practicing their chosen religion.</p>
<p>Would it be easier to marry someone of the same faith? Sure. I’ve told my boys that. Marriage is tough enough without creating obstacles. </p>
<p>But if they truly loved someone who didn’t share our faith? If that someone was good for them and loved them and would be a good mother to my grandchildren, who am I to argue with that?</p>
<p>That said, I hope that I will not be worrying about all of this during Senior year of high school.</p>
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I like my daughter’s boyfriend and his family treats her very well as we do him. They are struggling with working out the possibility of an interfaith marriage. But they are both observant and they can’t be married in two churches and truly raise children in two faiths. I hope they come up with a compromise of some sort, but I could just as easily see a lifetime of conflict. But it’s their problem, not mine, and all I can do is listen respectfully.</p>
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<p>If you had only said “hostile to Catholicism” man, I might believe in the potential for disaster sentiment you expressed. But because you included “agnostic/atheist” men in these generalizations which followed, I think it’s only natural that your post has offended a few on the thread. It is NOT a given that an agnostic or even an atheist would not be respectful of a “nice Catholic girl,” nor is it a given that a Catholic boy would absolutely be respectful of her beliefs about sexuality. I’ve known more than a few young men who professed to be “devout” Catholics, yet were perfectly happy to engage in sexual relations with a serious girlfriend, or even with casual acquaintances.</p>
<p>Just because a young man is agnostic or atheist does not mean he has not been raised to be respectful of others’ beliefs, no matter whether they relate to sexuality, religion, or any other value. An agnostic or atheist may still be extremely kind, honest, loving, giving, etc. These are not qualities restricted to Catholics. And certainly there are agnostics and atheists who nevertheless are of the anti abortion mentality or very respectful of a woman’s right to choose, whichever choice that may be. I don’t believe you can extrapolate your own negative experiences with non Catholic men to all non Catholic men, or even most non Catholic men. While I would say it would be prudent to consider differences in religion, I would also caution against broad proclamations that interfaith marriages are necessarily setting anyone up for “disaster,” as many interfaith marriages have worked and do work beautifully as long as both parties love each other, agree in advance of the marriage how religion/children and other important issues will be handled, and respect each other in general. And we can probably all relate stories of people perfectly matched with regard to religion who have miserable marriages which end in divorce or worse.</p>
<p>Haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if this is redundant. First, this is a HS’er. Sounds like her first serious (or quasi-serious) bf. It is unikley to be her last. That said, the attitude your DH and inlaws take will likely determine how comfortable she is spending time conjointly with your H, inlaws and her bfs. We choose to be inclusive,not exclusive, in our family, so welcome DS’s gfs, regardless of our feelings about them or their religion. Older s’s college gf happened to be of our same religion, but she was seriously high maintenance. It took him a while (read several years) to realize that the neediness got old, but we supported him, welcomed her into our home, had holiday gifts for her, etc. When Ds finally ended the relationship her Mo was a royal b*tch to our s. We are very VERY glad we are not entwined with that family, regardless of their religious affiliation.</p>
<p>Our goal is our son’s happiness. And OP- if your DH or his parents cannot be understanding and cant separated their issues from hers, then , especially the inlaws should be uninvited from events, meals,etc where the bf is included. They dont get to be rude or snarky- either to his face or behind their back. Its just inappropriate. </p>
<p>Younger s’s gf of the past year and a half or so is Catholic. We are not (so a corinthians passage means nothing to me). But if he is happy, so are we. I am not sure what the future brings for them, as it seems she may be accepting a job in another city, but we will support him either way (he isnt moving). </p>
<p>So , OP ride it. Doubt this will be the man she marries. But your DH and his parents need to close their pie hole. They are out of line andt its not their choice anyway. WHy alienate your daughter when she is in her last year of HS. Bad BAAD plan.</p>
<p>“hey did tell him that if he chose to marry me in the Catholic Church, they would not come to the wedding. I don’t think it was at all unfair of them to let him know in advance how they would act.”</p>
<p>"I don’t think it’s unfair of him to want her to know that if she were to marry an agnostic or atheist or someone to whom religious faith isn’t important her family --with the exception of her mom–would not accept him.</p>
<p>Well, that’s where we disagree. I think it IS unfair and very closed-minded and manipulative. But if it’s his choice, that’s fine. But if you think the father is entitled to do that, the daughter is entitled to respond: “Fine, if you choose not to accept the person that I love (or want to marry - if this conversation comes up in the future), you don’t have to come to the wedding. Also, don’t bother showing up when the grandchildren are here.”</p>
<p>To me it’s very clear. I want to surround myself with tolerant people as well as people who don’t presume to tell me who to love or mistreat those I love. If the condition of my relatives’ love were intolerance (religious, racial, cultural), I would never ‘choose’ them. And I am fairly sure I am not the only one. Plain and simple, I don’t want to be a part of a family like that, and if I were born into one, I would leave.</p>
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<p>I really wish if you were going to reference a Bible verse, that you would quote it for those of us who don’t have them all memorized. </p>
<p>So I will do it for those who might be interested: (and I had to look it up), </p>
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<p>Time changes a lot of things, although I am not sure it heals all wounds.</p>
<p>I was raised in a straight-down-the-line Catholic family. First in my family not to attend a Catholic University. Engaged to an inactive Presbyterian. Catholic parish priest would not attend our wedding. My mother was beside herself.</p>
<p>In time my W (only non-Catholic W in the family) became my mother’s favorite DIL. Why? Because she is a wonderful, warm, family-oriented person. Frankly, I think my mother liked my W more than me.</p>
<p>Moral of the story - let things work out over time.</p>
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<p>I would never tolerate a family member disrespecting my DH or treating him badly. Not for one moment. Fortunately I’ve never had to address that situation with any of my family or friends.</p>
<p>^ What Nrdsb4 said. No one on my family would dare be rude or disrespectful to someones bf/gf/signif other. Its just crass. And gee, what about the old golden rule???</p>
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<p>Most of these stances (particularly the last one) do not see rational.</p>
<p>I grew up in an interfaith marriage. I imagine it was a lot harder on my parents while visiting in-laws (Recently, my dad was telling me a story when he first visited some of my mom’s relatives. When he met her aunts and uncles one actually said, “Wow, I’ve never seen a Jew before.”). As a kid, my parents left the choice up to me. I guess they figured if I felt either of their religions was right, I’d naturally gravitate towards it. No need to try and fight over which one of them got to indoctrinate me during my most impressionable years.</p>
<p>Red, personally, I’d have an extremely hard time dating anyone who’s devout. I have a lot of issues with organized religion and refuse to raise my kids in any religion. So yes, absolutely theological issues can be a deal breaker depending on the person and his/her beliefs. Which is fine as long as it’s a decision by the person and not his/her family.</p>
<p>I don’t really think that’s the issue here.</p>
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It’s easier to relate to people who have similar backgrounds. I couldn’t imagine being with someone who I wouldn’t be able to talk completely openly about my religion. Sure, they might respect it, which would be okay in a friendship, but IMO I want more in marriage.
Wanting to be with someone who is compatible with you isn’t a bad thing. </p>
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must you make your tone condescending?</p>