<p>Marian, you raise a good point. I would no more start scrolling through someone’s digital camera without permission than I’d check out their cell phone calls and cell phone address book without their permission. This includes my actions toward my family members.</p>
<p>Yes, but if you were a 19 year old girl (privacy has a different meaning) you might do it, especially if you had no real reason to respect the other person or care about their reaction!</p>
<p>Post #22 sounds like an acknowledgment that there was an invasion of privacy. An invasion does not depend on whether one respects a person or cares about their reaction. If I do not care for my neighbor, it does not give me the right to walk into their backyard or their house without their permission, surely?</p>
<p>This was not a family camera, as per post #1. It was the stepmom’s camera.
She was definitely in the wrong for taking pictures of her stepdaughters’ messy rooms without their permision, which, I consider an invasion of their privacy. Still, two wrongs do not make a right.</p>
<p>In my house it would not be an invasion of privacy to look at a camera which was out on the counter. In some families, obviously it is.<br>
I am just saying that I wouldn’t necessarily expect a 19 year old to even think twice about it.
Has anyone seen the commercial for one of the cell phone carriers where the older brother grabs the younger brother’s phone and scrolls through his directory and makes fun of his icons (animals)? Remember, this is a generation that puts topless photos of their friends from music festivals on their facebook pages!</p>
<p>Since the stepmother was an adult who lived in the house, and may have even owned the house, I don’t see her taking pictures of the D’s room as an invasion of privacy. I can understand why the D may not have wanted those pictures taken, but I don’t think that the D had the right to forbid such pictures since presumably the D wasn’t paying the mortgage nor was the D married to the person who is paying the mortage. </p>
<p>If the stepmom had taken pictures of the D without the D’s permission, I’d have considered that an invasion of privacy.</p>
<p>As for the reason the stepmom took the pictures, I don’t care. Perhaps she plans to show her friends and relatives why she decided to divorce. If she owns the house, perhaps she’s using the pictures to get some house repair or fumigation money in the divorce settlement.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, I think that what the 19-year-old D did was a privacy invasion, and I don’t see age or disliking the stepmom as an excuse for her behavior. Given the animosity between the stepmother and the Ds, I doubt that the stepD thought what she was doing was acceptable. Normally when people don’t get along with others, they don’t touch the others’ belongings unless they wish to harass them.</p>
<p>I don’t have any idea why the OP said the stepmom was abusive, but I do think that the OP only heard one side of the story, and based on the stepDs behavior, it seems the stepmom may have had a lot to put up with.</p>
<p>Oh, brother.
The stepmom did not own the house except in the community property sense. She was a non-working spouse. I have plenty of information on the family, not just “one side of the story”.
I see no reason for taking pictures of the rooms a week before she moves out of state (her choice to divorce and leave the family) and I would have done what the older girl proposed and taken the whole camera or at least destroyed the card. But, I’ll admit to not having good boundaries and sometimes acting out of anger.<br>
Since I AM the one with the information, I will say that yes, the stepmom took on a big task marrying an older widower with 2 young daughters. She was seeing dollar signs, and things didn’t happen the way she expected. It was not going to be easy, but she knew that going in. She got two very sad, strong-willed little girls. One parlayed that into a military academy appointment, despite having a stepmom who refused to drive her to any workouts or training sessions during her application process. After many years of fighting and dysfunction, and AFTER the girls are basically out of the house, stepmom decides to abandon the family. The dad is hurting. Yep-I guess the girls might be a little hurt and angry…watching the furniture, the dog and their little sister get loaded off and hauled off.</p>
<p>I think the stepdaughter did invade the stepmother’s privacy by going through her pictures–if it was the stepmother’s personal camera and not a family camera–it doesn’t matter where in the house it was found. </p>
<p>Obviously if there is a divorce in progress they do not have a friendly “mother-daughter” relationship. If the situation were reversed–the stepmother picked up the D’s personal camera and started looking at HER pictures, the D would probably have a fit.
(I would not pick up my 19 yo S’s camera and look at his pictures–and we have a good relationship).</p>
<p>The stepmother is an owner of the house while she is married to the man. It doesn’t matter if she is a “non-working” spouse. She has been married for quite a while and raised his daughters and, I assume, has done other unpaid “non-work” involved in running the household and caring for her husband over the years.<br>
No one can really know about the personal relationship of the husband/wife and exactly why she is leaving him. The nicest co-worker in the world could be beating up his wife…you just never know.</p>
<p>I’m not sure what parents’ legal responsibilities are toward children over 18. Is it only by their parents’ consent that adult children are permitted to live in the parents’ house? (For example, if I did not want my 19yo S living with us in the summer, he couldn’t call the police and turn us in for neglect, could he?–he’d just have to find another place to stay). Obviously, most parents want their kids who are over 18 and in college to live with them, during breaks at least, and would welcome that. </p>
<p>But what I’m saying is that the daughters don’t own the house and are only living in their stepmother’s (and father’s) home by her (their) consent. Truly it is the stepmother’s home and the adult D’s shouldn’t be messing it up. They should act like polite and helpful adult guests. They should thank their parents for the free room and board. I think of it this way: my kids have rooms in my house that they use, but they can’t tell me to “get out of their rooms,” because those rooms do not belong to them–those rooms belong to me and their dad.</p>
<p>The stepmother has the right to take pictures of anything in the house she wants to. The mess in the rooms is a “fact.” Though it may seem odd for her to take pictures of it, it is her home and her business. If the daughters are ashamed, they should clean up their rooms. If the rooms were clean, this incident wouldn’t have happened. IMO, the D’s should apologize to their stepmother for looking at her camera, calling her names, and messing up the house.</p>
<p>Whether or not the stepmom had a RIGHT to take pictures of the daughters’ messy rooms is not the point; that she did was dysfunctional, mean-spirited and just strange. </p>
<p>Again, a 19 year old acting immaturely is one thing; but an adult, who should be above it, is quite another.</p>
<p>What an ugly situation. Very sad. I think everyone who posted is likely living in a harmonious home, where privacy rights are not such extremely touchy issues. My kids always grab the family camera & scroll through, take goofy shots of each other, replace the screen savers on H’s & my cell phones & computers with funny pictures, etc. WOuld they do this to a step-mom? No way!</p>
<p>My teen D has an incredibly messy room, but otherwise is a great kid. I could envision snapping a picture of the disaster room & using it to replace HER computer screen saver as a joke…but sharing that photo with anyone else? Never! That would step out of the easy-going relationship we maintain in our home & embarass her. (I also doubt that she would BE such a slob if a step-mom were heading the household.) I also never scroll through her digital photos, but she does show me shots of her adventures. </p>
<p>This family is a mess, and both step-mom & D were insensitive to one another over a period of years. My H grew up in a crazy situation like this, and it really takes a toll. Luckily, the steps get along now; but it sure wasn’t the Brady Bunch when the two families merged. (Except for the really bad 70s fashions.) I really feel for that poor ten year old, being moved away from her dad. I hope he makes superhuman efforts to remain a part of her life.</p>
<p>In our house, scrolling through someone’s personal digital camera without asking would be overstepping our understood privacy boundaries. No one in my family would do that. Why not just ask if you’re interested? If my kids went through my folders on my laptop, or my drawers, closet, purse, or anything without asking, I’d be annoyed and wonder what’s up. I wouldn’t scroll through their camera, phone, or anything else without asking, either. They are adults, and even though they are living at home occasionally, it’s still not my place to snoop. Both kids know that I do go through their rooms to clean when they leave for their colleges, and they don’t expect things to be exactly as they left them, although I don’t go through their papers, letters, notebooks, etc., that they might have on their shelves.<br>
It sounds like the “messy rooms” have been an issue in the house, along with a lot of other issues. It doesn’t seem like there is a whole lot of respect coming from the daughters, but it’s pretty hard to make judgements from just a snippet of someone’s life.</p>
<p>I take a lot of photos with my digital camera, and people often ask if they can see them. I would be offended if someone just started scrolling without asking. It is so easy and polite to ask that to not do so seems sneaky or disrespectful. I do have a “keep your hands off my electronics” attitude, though. Too many, “Whoops, I didn’t know that was the delete button” possibilities.</p>
<p>There are so many little things that could affect my opinion, though. If stepmom left it out in a provocative manner, knowing full well it would get looked at, and even purposely tempting. If stepmom was right there, watching and said nothing. If this was an action that had been previously acceptable behavior, or community property. </p>
<p>Or, conversely, if stepmom sat it down momentarily, or if the D was intentionally sneaky about it. So many nuances we aren’t privvy to.</p>
<p>Since it’s the middle of a divorce, it seems there could have been a number of other “messy” things on the camera, too. Looking through the private property of someone you don’t have a good relationship with seems asking for trouble. The stepmom may have reacted especially badly in this situation because she was embarrassed about being caught with the messy room photos.</p>
<p>IMO the girls should NOT have touched the stepmother’s camera without her permission, regardless of its location. If this happened in most families, I imagine that a gentle reminder not to go through someone’s things without permission would be the beginning and the end of it. Because it happened in an already dysfunctional situation such as the one you describe I am not the least bit surprised it led to WWIII. They shouldn’t have gone through her camera any more than they should have opened the stepmother’s mail because it was on the kitchen table, or gone through her list of recently received or dialed calls on her cell phone just because the cell phone was on the counter. </p>
<p>I give the father points for the fact that he is trying to teach his daughters that what they did was inappropriate and that they should have respect for others and their property. That he is doing so even in the middle of a tough and stressful situation is to his credit.</p>
<p>“I should also mention that the mother of the two older girls died after a drawn out battle with cancer when they were 6 and 9 and stepmom latched onto daddy within a few months. Appears the 9 year old wasn’t all that accomodating!”</p>
<p>“Latched onto”? It takes 2 and perhaps after caretaking his dying wife, the man was ready to move on with his life.</p>
<p>It’s understandable and typical that the 9-year-old wasn’t delighted with the situation. That made things difficult for everyone, stepmom included. Still no excuse for the name calling, which was reprehensible.</p>
<p>I think it would be very interesting to hear the stepmom’s side of the story. I imagine that there’s much more to the situation than the dad has shared with the OP, his co-worker.</p>
<p>No-this was in the final week of the stepmother’s tenure in the house. The divorce was announced months before, but the 10 year old had to finish out the school year. The older girls were both away at school until the brief overlap in June. Living in the house together for 5 months was ridiculous, in my opinion, but I wasn’t consulted. It was a financial decision.<br>
My co-worker didn’t beat his wife. However, he is an intelligent and difficult man and I can understand the impossibility of being married to him. However, that doesn’t excuse taking it out on the girls (especially the oldest one) for 10 years. I actually blame him for keeping the marriage intact- I think it was the wrong thing for everyone. </p>
<p>What I am hearing is that the general consensus is that going through a camera IS an invasion of privacy in most homes. Also, calling one’s stepmother a M…F…B…is not acceptable. However, knowing all the parties, my husband’s reaction to my report was “Way to go, D1 and D2!!”</p>
<p>"Whether or not the stepmom had a RIGHT to take pictures of the daughters’ messy rooms is not the point; that she did was dysfunctional, mean-spirited and just strange. "</p>
<p>I don’t feel comfortable labeling her behavior because I don’t know why she took those pictures. As I suggested before, perhaps the pictures were taken to help with figuring out the cost of the property in a divorce settlement. If, for instance, the house is the stepmom’s or the stepmom helped purchase it, she may have taken the pictures to help with an appraisal or to get money from the dad for damages his daughters caused.</p>
<p>If I were the OP, I wouldn’t want to get into a conversation about this situation. It’s none of the OP’s business, and seems like such conversations would not only be depressing but also would detract from one’s being able to effective at work. I wouldn’t want a co-worker telling me these kind of details about their dysfunctional lives.</p>
<p>Anyway, if the man is “difficult,” then he wasn’t likely to marry Mary Poppins.</p>
<p>Perhaps NSM…but given that MoWC has stated the messy rooms were the crux of conflict between daughters and stepmom…AND that stepmom did not notify, or seek approval from, the girls prior to taking the pictures, it’s pretty easy to understand what was going on…</p>
<p>would you consider developing a roll of someone elses film an invasion of privacy? If you do then I fail to see the difference in delving into exposures left on a digital camera.</p>
<p>Again, I think because there was hostility between stepmom and girls, both parties had no business touching each others’ property or invading each others’ privacy. This isn’t a happy normal family situation where someone could look through the family digital without offending.</p>
<p>Scrolling through the stepmom’s camera is very likely something the youngest knew would offend. She just immaturely was unable to resist the urge to snoop. However, given the stepmom entered the girls’ rooms without their knowledge and took questionable pictures without their permission, I don’t think she really is in any position to point fingers. And if the youngest daughter suspected there were pictures on the camera that violated her privacy, then is she wrong to look? Would the stepmom have let youngest daughter look if she had asked permission? Doesn’t sound like a mutually cooperative relationship exists, so probably not.</p>
<p>Although I consider it an invasion, you shouldn’t have to worry about what pictures are on your camera should someone look through them. But the person should still ask before they go through them. I would be a little upset at someone using my things without my permission, but unless there are seriously upsetting/crude pictures on there, it wouldnt be a big deal.
And fighting over messy rooms and such is a little immature if you ask me.</p>
<p>I agree with NSM that there very well may have been another reason that the stepmother took the pictures. Documentation of the conditions she and her child lived under, damage to the home, CUSTODY and support of the youngest child, in case the father ever questioned that - it all could have had to do with the divorce settlement either now or in the future. That doesn’t preclude the fact that this was a major issue between her and the older girls - to the contrary.</p>