In our many discussions about weddings and other social events, we’ve complained about no-shows who we have to pay for anyway. I ran into this article:
http://www.scotsman.com/news/odd/boy-5-sent-invoice-after-birthday-party-no-show-1-3665422
I can understand being frustrated, but…!
I think that hosts have to expect a certain number of no shows.
And, if the host wants reimbursed for an acceptance that then turns into a no show, it should be stated upfront. People may then think twice about accepting then not going. It shouldn’t be brought up for the first time after the fact.
My goodness, what poor taste.
At S2’s Bar Mitzvah, we had people who had accepted who didn’t show, and people who had declined who did show. That was bizarre.
My kid got cancelled on a a Bar Mitzvah due to weather to which she was never invited. That was really bizarre. I think many mistakes get made in big events. She also got a few phone calls asking RSVP to Bar Mitvahs she didn’t receive invitations. Bar Mitzvahs were bad occasions at her small school. Not everyone was invited and it turned to popularity contests. It is a difficult age even without adults creating that. I have a few bad memories associated with BM. My D was between two sepaprate groups of friends, switching from one to the other, and conflicting BM. It was a nightmare. I don’t know why it can’t be done simpler.
read the story.
I see 2 things. I don’t like the idea of charging a no-show, unless it was agreed upon first, and here there is no indication that it was.
Secondly, and much more minor, I don’t like the way the no-show parents are trying to justify their no-show. They seem to feel they had a good reason to cancel, so because of that, there should be no charge. I don’t like that rationalizing. Do they think the “quality” of their reason makes any difference to the cost or feelings of the other parents or to the other child?
Nevertheless, though I don’t like the reasoning of the no-shows I cannot feel they deserve to be charged when their was no prior agreement to do so.
What is silly about the idea is that the host doesn’t “lose” money when an invited guest doesn’t show, because they would have spent that amount if the guest showed.
“Do they think the “quality” of their reason makes any difference to the cost or feelings of the other parents or to the other child?”
It certainly should. If we just forgot about the party, that’s quite different than getting in a car accident. If the other family doesn’t care about that, then I don’t want to have anything to do with them.
I wonder how the mom decided what the cost was. She didn’t specifically say there was an additional cost for the child, but mentioned that it didn’t matter whether the cost was per group or child…making me think this was not a per person cost. Then is she just trying to get a freebie as opposed to a rebate for what she paid for the child? Regardless, really tacky. I wouldn’t have anything to do with this family again, there is something wrong with the mom. I certainly would like to hear this one in small claims court! Or the court of Judge Judy would be even better.
My kid was a no-show once to Bar/Bat Mitzvah. I said she was coming to one and she said yes to another on the same day/time. I ruffled some feathers. Did I already say I hated BM’s?
Actually, I think all concerned are out of line.
When you’ve accepted an invitation, you don’t just not show up because it turns out there is something you’d rather do, and that’s how the no-show parents describe it. And I REALLY have a problem with people who would destroy their child’s privacy by going to the news media, especially over something like this.
On the other hand, the invoicing mother definitely went too far, although I can certainly understand her irritation.
While being a no-show to a social occasion one has RSVPed to is impolite, charging for a no-show on the part of the host…even if stipulated in the invitation is IMO far far worse.
What this communicates to me is a host who doesn’t seem to understand that it’s impolite to make the costs incurred in the course of hosting be the problem of the guests one is inviting. If this is an issue, either cut down on the scale/grandeur of the party itself or don’t bother hosting altogether.
While the $ is spent regardless of whether the person shows or doesn’t, when throwing large, expensive events that cost $$$$ per person, it does “cost” when the food goes unserved and tossed. A friend of my DH and his wife late cancelled (ie within a few hours) of one event we hosted and then no-showed at another. These were expensive parties. Needless to say they are off the list should there ever be another expensive event. It is real, lost money. When you are paying per head, it costs.
read your post 6 quoting me, busdriver. And, I said this, in post 4: “They seem to feel they had a good reason to cancel, so because of that, there should be no charge.”.
Are you sure you understood my comment?
Whether one cancels for a “good reason” or not, a no-show is a no-show when it comes to the cost to the host.
It seems to me that there are always no shows at events, particularly things as trivial as a child’s birthday party. Making a huge deal about it, sending the parent an “invoice”, in fact even mentioning it is in very poor taste. It seems very self important. Whatever excuse somewhat might have for not coming, I would always be graceful and let them off the hook, because I don’t want to make people feel bad. It this really the hill I want to die on, making a huge fuss about a birthday party? I think people are so engrossed in themselves sometimes, it’s disgusting. Sure, inconsiderate to not get ahold of her to tell her, but I would give the person the benefit of the doubt that they really weren’t sure how to get ahold of me. And yeah, sometimes visiting the Grandparents should trump a birthday party.
I know that it is not uncommon to be charged for not showing up for an MD appointment but have never heard of this for a social event. That said, I know it is upsetting and wasteful for no shows.
My friend co-hosted a huge event that had to turn away people when over 600 people said they were showing. Only about 25% showed up and it was very upsetting for him and the organizations involved.
We’ve had events for 100s where people had to cancel at the last moment–stuck in travel, illness, or other things came up. Sure, it’s expensive and not something you can really plan for, as you are seating and paying for everyone who said they were coming. If it’s not a buffet, EACH seat and person is counted and you can’t fudge by giving a slightly lower count. Even with buffets, you have to give them a firm number a set # of days prior to the event. Often each dinner is $30-75!
I didn’t catch the size of the party in the article, but if it had been a small one, say two or three children invited, perhaps that set the mother off more than an absence at a larger party.
"read your post 6 quoting me, busdriver. And, I said this, in post 4: “They seem to feel they had a good reason to cancel, so because of that, there should be no charge.”.
Are you sure you understood my comment?
Whether one cancels for a “good reason” or not, a no-show is a no-show when it comes to the cost to the host."
I was referencing, specifically, where you said, “Do they think the “quality” of their reason makes any difference to the cost or FEELINGS of the other parents or to the other child?” And while the cost may be the same (though it sounded like there was a group charge, not in individual charge), my point is about the feelings of the other parents or other child. Yes, the reason for not attending makes a big difference. Things come up in people’s lives that are far more important than a child’s birthday party, as a generality, whether one thinks their excuse was good enough or not.
My opinion…
It really doesn’t matter what the excuse was for not showing up at the party. Yes, it was an understandable excuse. But the issue at hand is not why the child couldn’t attend, but that they had RSVP’d a yes and then didn’t show up. The invited parent says she didn’t know how to get in touch with the birthday party mom. Now, apparently she didn’t have the written invitation. I am not sure how she originally RSVP’d a “yes,” but perhaps she saw the mom at school and gave a verbal “yes.” When her child needed to back out, she didn’t seem to have the full name or number. It is a little odd that she was going to send her kid to a party where she did not know the FULL name. I’d want that basic information for my little one who was being left with others. In any case, since she didn’t have the contact information, perhaps she could have contacted other kids who her kid thinks was invited, or emailed the teacher to get the contact information or whatever. So, it wasn’t really polite, but it happened.
Nonetheless, even if the invited kid’s parent was in the wrong, what the party parent did as a result is entirely tacky. Even if she had to pay per head, yes, it was aggravating to waste the money (though it was money she would have spent had the kid attended as planned), though perhaps she could have invited another child instead. I couldn’t tell if she paid a flat party fee or per head. So, I understand the aggravation of wasted money and the impoliteness of the invited child’s parent. Still, what the party giver should have done in this situation was simply think to herself, “I’m not going to be inviting that child to any more parties given the unreliability of the parent.” The end. Contacting the parent via an invoice in the backpack…over the top and tacky. Even if invited guests are impolite, it is all part of the risk of hosting a party and one can decide if they don’t like a guest’s behaviors, to not invite them in the future. But sending a bill? Ridiculous. And this was not even for a lot of money, like a wedding guest fee. But even then, I can never imagine sending the invited person a bill! And now the fuss to go to court is so over the top that reputations are being harmed and kids are too.
Imagine being a parent in this school district! I don’t know if I would ever let one of my kids accept an invitation from this lady.
“Imagine being a parent in this school district! I don’t know if I would ever let one of my kids accept an invitation from this lady.”
Maybe you could just pay her upfront, along with the acceptance to the invitation? Then you don’t have to worry about being sued.
From the story, it sounded like the mom’s partner was asked if the kid was coming, who said yes. There could have been miscommunication between the two, and mom decided that seeing the grandparents was more important. Maybe the kid never did get an invitation, who knows? We have a lot of miscommunication in our household, with parents coming and going all the time.
Our kids usually had parties at places like Discovery Zone, paintball, or Gameworks. Most kids would show up, because theses are always fun types of parties. However, if someone didn’t show, we just made sure they got their goodie bag…whether the kids brought it to school next day, or across the street. Maybe we should have included an invoice in the goodie bag.
What we do here is if someone could not come they brought a birthday gift over to the birthday persons house before or if they were a no show afterwards.