<p>A lot of people say that adoption isn’t the best option when a couple wants kids because “it’s just not the same”. To CC parents who have adopted kids or know people with adopted kids- is different than having biological kids?</p>
<p>No. (though it’s harder to get 'em.)</p>
<p>My brother is adopted. I can’t compare because he’s my only sibling. But I don’t think it would be any different if he were biological. I think our relationship would be a lot different if he were a girl and we were sisters instead of brother/sister, but I don’t think the adoption thing made any difference. </p>
<p>He was a year old when he came to live with us and there was a bit of an adjustment period, but after the first few months I don’t think it made a bit of difference to our parents either.</p>
<p>Unless one has done both, I doubt one’s opinion is meaningful. </p>
<p>I have no experience of adoption. From what I have observed with others, there are ways that both are the same and ways that both are different. The circumstances of the adoption probably make a big difference, also. </p>
<p>BTW, I’ve never heard anyone make a remark like that. (“It’s just not the same.”) I’ve only heard encouraging and supportive statements about adoption. (Except from a very few adoptees.)</p>
<p>I know a wonderful couple that adopted two newborns four years apart – with several failed identified adoptions in between. As mini says – it can be hard to adopt. </p>
<p>I think my friend’s biggest worries about her kids were that the bio-dads had not signed away their parental rights and she was afraid that it might come back to haunt the adoptions even years later. (Didn’t happen, kids are grown now!)</p>
<p>Yes but that comes with both good and bad. The good is that your adoptees may bring innate gifts to your family that your biological children do not have. The bad is that there may also be innate challenges. Of course there are no guarantees with birth children, either. I have 3 of each and I love them all.</p>
<p>If you’re a person who loves kids, I don’t think it’s “different” just because they’re not blood-related. Family is family.</p>
<p>I have a niece who’s adopted (family has 3 bio, 1 adopted). She’s just one of the family. We don’t think of her as being “adopted.” She started as a foster baby, and at age 2 her parents’ rights were severed, my bro and SIL adopted her. </p>
<p>In some ways, we can look at our spouses as someone we “adopted.” Right?</p>
<p>I have a niece that is adopted. My sister and bil went on to have two biological kids. From an aunts viewpoint, all of the kids were raised the same. I saw no differences in how they treat each other or how they were raised.</p>
<p>Of course, there are some physical differences (ie the adoptive mother does not go through childbirth to get her child). Is that what is being said to you, about it not being the same, because you aren’t there and intimately involved in the pregnancy?</p>
<p>I’ve done both. </p>
<p>(My recipe for world peace is to switch all the babies at the hospital.)</p>
<p>Sort of a practical application of Rawls’ Theory of Justice, mini.</p>
<p>I adopted my daughter from China when she was 23 months, so not an infant for sure. She is my only child, my heart, the very best thing I ever did in my life. But I think that for most adoptees it’s something that affects them differently at different times in their lives. To believe otherwise is not very wise, in my humble opinion. An adoptee is not raised by the people who created him or her, a fact of life that can be hard to deal with at times. But just because something may be challenging doesn’t mean that it’s not worth it!</p>
<p>I have a bio niece and a niece by adoption. My bio niece casts misery and unhappiness on all she meets. My niece by adoption couldn’t be more loved or more cherished. She is just the greatest thing since chocolate met peanut butter.</p>
<p>We’ve done both and there is no difference whatsoever.</p>
<p>In my original response I was thinking about the process of being pregnant and childbirth and new parenthood vs the process of adoption and new parenthood. I thought that was what you were talking about.</p>
<p>It didn’t occur to me that you might be talking about being an adoptive vs bio parent in the broader sense. 
Probably because from what I’ve seen there usually isn’t any difference. Your child is your child. To be completely honest, I have to say that I have known a couple of families that had adopted several kids before having a bio child where they <em>were</em> treated differently. IMHO, they were the kind of dysfunctional people who would also have treated their children very differently for some reason such as looks or talent.</p>
<p>On a related note, today I heard a piece on NPR that mentioned the movie Clueless. My favorite moment in that movie was when Cher’s rather irascible father explained why he was still close to his stepson, even though he had split from his mother: “You don’t divorce a kid.” Loved it.</p>
<p>My only child is adopted. I cannot imagine loving a bio child more than I love my child - parenting differently or treating a bio child differently, simply because of the circumstance of the child’s birth.</p>
<p>
I was somewhat surprised to learn a number of years back that there are a number of adoptees who are resentful and disparaging of the whole idea now that they are adults. It was a different perspective and one that made me scrap any slim thoughts I might have entertained of trying to adopt in our own family.</p>
<p>As an adopted child, I can tell you that I wasn’t loved any less. I knew from the very beginning that I was adopted, but that became a benefit later. Among my adopted friends that feel resentful, they weren’t told that they were adopted and found out as young adults. They feel that they were living a lie. I, on the other hand, were told that of all the babies in the world, my parents chose me to love. I considered myself superior to families that just had to take the kid that they had even if he ended up ugly or mean (at least that is what I said to my cousin at age 6). My BIL adopted 4 kids from ages 1-11 four years ago and they never distinguish between the birth kids and adoptees.
Parents that distinguish between adopted and birth children probably shouldn’t be having any kids.</p>
<p>We’ve done both as well.</p>
<p>I think its hard to generalize. A lot of things come into play. </p>
<p>Is the child instantly identified as probably adopted because of race or ethnicity? Are both parents equally enthused about the adoption? Lots of other aspects too. </p>
<p>Overlay everything with the fact that there are not guarantees of things working out the way you might have hoped. As much as many of us like to quietly believe that “our” family bloodlines had some favorable traits compared to most, it doesn’t take much quiet reflection
before we note that cousin Ernie might not have fit the best and brightest mold, and Uncle Billy did seem to get into trouble a lot. These are dismissed when its biological relatives, but if you have an adopted child with typical minor (or possibly major) issues, then everyone blames it on the adoption. There’s risk. Kids are different. Some are quick, some not. Some pleasant, some not. Tall, short fat, thin, withdrawn, over-exuberant. You don’t know what you’ll get, biological or otherwise. </p>
<p>Our experience has been great. Wouldn’t do anything differently. But there are others who would. There are some ways to protect yourself a little from some of the risks, but in the end, you just have to make a decision to go or no go.</p>
<p>A friend has one child, adopted as a baby. It seems most things are same as parents. She did comment that her mothering transition might have been easier (not better, just easier) since she didn’t have to deal with any postpartum recovery.</p>
<p>Do people really say that to people that want to adopt kids?</p>