I know this may sound ridiculous…
DS has been with his girlfriend for over 3 years (living together for about the last year and a half.) We are crazy about her and they seem really good together. He is 28 and she’s about a year older. Based on some things she has said and shared with DS2, I gather that she is ready; he feels that he should pay off more of his grad school loans first. They both have good (and very well-paying) jobs, so they are not really stretched financially. I know he is being responsible and also that it’s totally none of my business! But I have this irrational concern that if he doesn’t move this along, she is going to get tired of waiting around for him. I know…I said it’s irrational 
And maybe this is more about me than him. But I was wondering if I was the only one with these thoughts.
Since they live together, I think that it is better to let them figure out the future of their relationship.
@Publisher - Absolutely! I totally agree…I haven’t said a word about it or even a side comment. Just was wondering if anyone else has felt this way. 
Absolutely. My son has been with his girlfriend since 2013 and we like her very much. The first time they talk about weddings in front of us (though they are not officially engaged AFAIK), was last fall. I get why they aren’t married yet. My kid is in the Navy, and isn’t sure if he’s going to reup or not. She’s been doing PhD thesis research for the last two years which involves a lot of overseas travel. They haven’t actually shared an apartment for more than a few months at a time. Anyway, I think we have at least a year, more likely two before anything happens. My kid turns 28 this year.
My son and his GF have been living together for 3 years. I was anxious, but they seem committed to each other.
My husband and I lived together for almost 10 years before getting married - we waited until we were ready to start a family (no, the family was not already started). We surprised everyone when we advised there would be a wedding.
I would be delighted if our son could just meet someone. Living together or marriage seems out of the realm of possibility right now.
What purpose does marriage serve in 2020, really, besides just custom? The history of marriage doesn’t really translate to modern life, IMO. If you’re committed to stay together, you’ll stay together. If you want to break up, that’s fairly easy to do even with a marriage. I lived with my husband for several years before marriage and having the piece of paper didn’t change our relationship one iota. It did change some legal and tax stuff but how we felt about each other and our plans for the future? Nope.
I think a lot of young people place less weight on the whole marriage process.
So although I do hope my kids get married because weddings are fun (although expensive most of the time because it is easy to get caught up in the spectacle of it), it wouldn’t kill me if they chose not to marry. I do want them to have a solid and happy relationship with a lifelong partner, though, because I think that just makes life better to have someone you trust and love to share the journey.
What I do want is grandchildren, selfishly. My kids aren’t ready for that stage but I hope they will be in a few years.
Relationships evolve. My son and his girlfriend maintained that they didn’t want to get married, and we enjoyed their wedding last summer.
I’m hoping that a similar trajectory will happen with the “we don’t want kids” statement…
I’m just happy S has a GF he’s been seeing for 3.5 years. They both seem quite committed and happy. It works did them so it works for me.
My DiLs mother badgered them endlessly about tying the knot. She was very vocal about her worries that my son would get tired of waiting or “find someone better” and walk away ; it was unpleasant and made her strained relation w her daughter even worse. I’ll admit we wondered what the holdup was, but since we never ever mentioned it, they volunteered the “why” on their own (she wanted time to plan without being in grad school or new to her job).
OP, I think wondering is totally normal. You can’t see if it is a problem, or just a decision they’ve made. I wondered too (and I wish my attractive, funny, tall, employed, dog loving oldest would just date!! Mothers are never happy…lol)
You are allowed to have whatever thoughts you want. Acting on them or verbalizing them unsolicited is another thing altogether, but it sounds like you already get that.
Heck, OP, at least your son has a girlfriend. Some of us are still waiting for our (quite adult) children to have significant others…
readytobeagrandma
You are not alone. S2 has a wonderful GF who brings out the best in him. I hope they get married. I was thinking maybe this summer, but it looks like not yet.
Wow, I’m on the other end of things, instinctively pulling back the reins.
I always envisioned my daughter being independent and totally unfettered by relationships for a long, long time. Instead I’ve got a seventeen-year-old who just celebrated her five-year anniversary with her teenaged sweetheart. They seem out of a different era. I think they talk about how they want to build/furnish their house one day. They’re plotting to go to college together or as nearby as possible. ?.
I think she needs a good few years to grow up on her own and have different relationships. It’s just how I think. But if they’re to be, I couldn’t have chosen a nicer, smarter, kinder boy. He has has never done anything to give me pause. They always seem happy together, trusted best friends, so whatever happens (or doesn’t happen) I think they’re helping each other grow. For now. And honestly, I won’t be shocked if this puppy love lasts. I never thought I would say that about kids their age.
I, too, am anxious the other way. Wait wait wait to get married, I shout.
One is 24, has been dating her boyfriend for 1.5 years. He finds out tomorrow if he’s accepted to Officer’s Candidate School for the Army, and if so, daughter keeps saying they HAVE to get married if they want to stay together. I’m trying to convince her that he should go to the 13 weeks of OCS and see if that works out. His father is military so he knows the life. Kind of. He lived with his mother most of his life and his father is a doctor so kind of on the top of the food chain in the military. I think reality will be different than he thinks it will. Anyway, I don’t think she’s ready for marriage.
My other daughter is 23, has been out of college for 2 years, is getting transferred back to Denver with her job. She’s been dating her boyfriend for 5.5 years, living together with matching careers for the last year (he’s quitting his job to move with her). He would get married now, his mother would have had them get married 2 years ago. Daughter is like @thumper1 and doesn’t see the point of getting married. She claims she isn’t having children but I don’t think that will last.
So not anxious for them to get married at all, just worried they will before they are ready.
Mr R and I got married primarily so he could be on my insurance.
If we lived in basically any other wealthy country, we wouldn’t be married - unless there was a tax benefit. Neither of us really see a point to marriage. Nothing changed when we got married. A lot of people our age are in a similar mindset.
Most of D1’s friends are engaged or getting married, so I wouldn’t say most of young adults do not see the point of getting married. D2 is 5 years younger than D1 and some of her friends are starting to get engaged/married. I wouldn’t be surprised if D2 should get engaged once she is out of law school.
In NY state you don’t have to be married to get on the SO’s insurance, you just have to file for domestic partnership. D2 could get on her BF’s insurance now, but she said she would rather pay for it herself.
Just curious, @oldfort. Do you know if the domestic partnership rule in NY works if the person with the insurance happens to work for the federal government? Before our DS#1 and his w married, they tried in CA (another state with liberal domestic partnership laws) to get him on her insurance, but she worked for the Federal government and the feds didn’t accept domestic partnership delineation and did not allow him to get on her insurance.
He has loans, wedding would require more loans, buying house and having kids will increase expenses and make it difficult to pay off loans.
If you offer to pay off his loans or take care of wedding expenses, they may feel more comfortable in moving forward instead of taking their time until it’s the right time for them.
I know my federal agency allowed domestic partnerships to qualify for some benefits, but they were taxed differently. This was in 2010 and beyond and I was in California. A state law cannot require a federal agency to offer the same benefits, but usually federal benefits are better.
Not sure if all federal agencies worked the same way. My agency was known to have the best pay and the best benefits in the federal system. The HR person asked during orientation if anyone needed partnership benefits but since no one did, she skipped ahead so I don’t know the details.