<p>My son just left to return to his [what I thought was] relatively conservative college campus after spending Spring Break at home with some of his new buddies. </p>
<p>While here, I had a chance to talk to him and them about life on campus. </p>
<p>I’m no prude, and sowed an oat or two in college in my day, but I was stunned by the stories I heard about sex on campus. From freely distributed [and used] condoms to “sexile” agreements between roommates to trysts in the dorm shower, today’s campus makes what I thought were the pretty libertine days of the '70s seem like the Victorian era.</p>
<p>My next child - a very attractive daughter - is off to college next year. Is this the norm I need to prepare her for or is this an anomaly?</p>
<p>Shortly before my 18th birthday (a long time ago), my father took me on a walk, and made it clear that he was going to communicate the essential male Wisdom of the Ages to me. What the essential male Wisdom of the Ages consisted of – with the “uhs” and long, awkward pauses redacted – was “When the guys talk about what they do with their girlfriends, a lot of the time it’s just talk, you know?”</p>
<p>I knew. And everything I’ve experienced and read since then has generally confirmed that people think other people are engaging in a lot more sex than the other people actually are. Many surveys and studies confirm that remains true today for college-age students.</p>
<p>Except for the free condoms, for much more attention to safety, and for the increased popularity of the sexual practice that got Bill Clinton into semantic trouble, I haven’t heard much to make me believe that a lot has changed since the 70s. So, yes: an atmosphere where students believe that casual sex is the norm for their classmates, if not for them.</p>
<p>If your daughter is in 12th grade now, chances are she is already pretty familiar with the dynamic. I don’t know what you were planning to do to “prepare” her for it – personally, I don’t know any chasity-belt couturiers – but whatever you have done in the past 18 years is a lot more important that whatever you’ll do in the next 6 months. She’s probably plenty well prepared. You, on the other hand . . . you may need some practice gritting your teeth and biting your tongue. Things will work out fine.</p>
<p>I hear both sides, too. My MD was saying that there’s more fuss and talk about it than is real, but a friend who has a daughter at Vandy says otherwise.</p>
<p>If she doesn’t want to partake in it, she doesn’t have to (I am of course talking about <em>consensual</em> partaking - if there’s an issue with any other sort, that’s a MUCH bigger and different problem).</p>
<p>None of the particular things you’ve said sound particularly stunning to me, though. None of them even necessarily indicate casual sex.</p>
<p>I don’t know if it has anything to do with a particular school, or just the particular students one comes across within any school. Afterall, some schools have thousands of students, but a freshmen is first going to meet and live with mostly students from one floor in one dorm, plus any friends that visit that floor.</p>
<p>In a word, yes. That is the norm. You can only prepare your daughter so much, and a lot of that has already happened-- like JHS said, she’s probably gotten a lesser dose of it in high school. If she has good values and reasonably high self-esteem, she’ll be much more likely to make (mostly) appropriate decisions. And making the occasional bad decision happens to everyone-- chances are you won’t even be hearing about them-- but make sure she’s well aware of possible consequences of STIs, pregnancy, etc.</p>
<p>As far as “people only THINK other people are doing it”… girls talk too, but we tell each other the truth! People are definitely doing the things mentioned above. I do know people who have made the choice not to have sex until they get married–it’s possible and they get through college just fine. But for many others, sex is definitely happening.</p>
<p>Hey, I didn’t say people only THINK other people are doing it. I said people think other people are doing it all the time, in a supersensationalized way and they’re only doing it some of the time, and more prosaically. Like in the 70s. And the 50s, too, for that matter.</p>
<p>Sexile (a play on exile) agreements mean that one roommate agrees to leave the room for a little while (or even for the night if possible) so the other roommate can get it on.</p>
<p>vicarious, My guess is that it is the agreement you might work out with your roommate/roommates about how often, for how long, and when you are willing to leave/get kicked out of your dorm room.</p>
<p>Sexile: You want to sleep with your boyfriend - both you and your boyfriend are in doubles. So you make arrangements for one of the other roommates to make themselves scarce during certain hours. </p>
<p>There doesn’t have to be rampant sex for it to impact other kids. It only takes one kid on a floor who wants to have sex in the shower to bother the other 50.</p>
<p>lalucha—please clarify…I’m not familiar with your phrase “damn well over the moon”… I hope you mean that you’d be really happy that condoms were easily available and being used…?</p>
<p>Phew glad I learned what “sexile agreement” is - when I read OP - I got a bit scared! Anyway, I have a D who is going off to college in the fall and I would imagine she’s heard all the same stories and then some that I’ve heard about behaviors at college. Every book club I learn of another wild roommate, etc. I have talked to my D about trouble a friend’s D had with her bringing different guys back to her room while her D was already in bed, etc. You can’t control your roommate’s behavior but I think having agreements in terms of when you can/can’t be in the room, etc. make perfect sense. Not to be totally naive (which I don’t think I am) imagine your D had a boyfriend and just wanted to do some heavy kissing for an hour or have some place to be alone just to talk - would you want your roommate there - would you as a roommate want to be there? They need to map out some rules that they are willing to live by. I agree with previous posters that if you have raised your D to make smart decisions then she will continue to do so in college but mistakes do happen and I for one feel more comfortable if they know where they can easily get a condom, etc.</p>
<p>Except for the readily available condoms (Horrors! In those days, people had to go to a store and buy them!), this stuff happened at my college during the '70s. Where did you go to school?</p>
<p>All this happened when I was in school too. I was tripled and one roommate permanently moved her boyfriend into the little living room of the suite. If we wanted to pee during the night we would catch them en flagrante. We got used to it.</p>
<p>I moved off campus to live with my boyfriend.</p>
<p>I would say there is more understanding that sex is not necessary the prelude to a serious relationship. It was always thus, but I think there is more honesty, and perhaps less dating to lead to marriage and more sex and dating “for now” and “friends with benefits”. </p>
<p>One major change is the acceptance of gay lifestyles. All to the good IMO. It’s great that no one has to lurk in the shadows.</p>
<p>Yes, yes, ‘over the moon’ = very happy. Free and oft-used condoms sounds like a positive, not something to be worried about.</p>
<p>I think that parents need to educate their kids throughout childhood and early adolescence, and then remain available for advice and support while leaving the kids alone to develop their own sexual lives and identities. If your kids are intot he abstinence thing while avoiding guilt and hangups that’s great for them. If they’re gay, let’s hope that they find a supportive group of friends. If they want to go and have a period of promiscuity at college, well, it’s their business, not yours/ours. If they’ve got the relevant info about safer sex and respecting their partners then there’s little to worry about.</p>
<p>I don’t think anything much has changed in the last 20-30 years except for the visibility of gay couples. My oldest sister went off to Wesleyan in 1984 – she’s seen it all. Sexile is not new!</p>
Anyway, I have a D who is going off to college in the fall and I would imagine she’s heard all the same stories and then some that I’ve heard about behaviors at college. Every book club I learn of another wild roommate, etc. I have talked to my D about trouble a friend’s D had with her bringing different guys back to her room while her D was already in bed, etc. You can’t control your roommate’s behavior but I think having agreements in terms of when you can/can’t be in the room, etc. make perfect sense. Not to be totally naive (which I don’t think I am) imagine your D had a boyfriend and just wanted to do some heavy kissing for an hour or have some place to be alone just to talk - would you want your roommate there - would you as a roommate want to be there? They need to map out some rules that they are willing to live by. I agree with previous posters that if you have raised your D to make smart decisions then she will continue to do so in college but mistakes do happen and I for one feel more comfortable if they know where they can easily get a condom, etc.</p>