Is College This "Sexy?"

Parent Cafe
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<p>Yup, the only real differences I see are either positive (the emphasis on safe sex, the ready availability of condoms, the progress toward acceptance of gay lifestyles) or just new terminology (we actually used sexile, way back when; the new ones to me are dormcest and hallcest). </p>

<p>I think a big piece of this is the developmentally appropriate need for college kids to feel as if they’re inventing new stuff, branching out, trying new things, and shocking the parents a bit. DH and I have often joked about how proud we were of introducing exotic/scary things like Hunan-style food to our parents, and wondered what our kids would introduce to us. So far what we’re hearing about is Panera. :slight_smile: And, I suppose, some parties that SOUND outrageous, but are pretty much new versions of old parties, just with more outrageous-sounding names.</p>

<p>Also, my personal experience, and DH’s too, is based on going to a small (or in his case, smallish) school, and D is at a small school. Maybe it’s more frightening to parents with kids at a huge school, where your kid could be going to gigantic parties full of kids she’s never met and may never see again? </p>

<p>I have to second Marian’s question: Where did you go to school?</p>

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<p>Also, the ‘attractiveness’ of the OP’s daughter is neither here nor there. Lots of less ‘attractive’ people go all out jumping from bed to bed in college, and many pretty ones struggle to find someone they like. And if it’s sexual assault that anyone’s worried about, that happens to women of all ages and ‘levels’ pretty consistently across the board.</p>

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<p>I would say there is more understanding that sex is not necessary the prelude to a serious relationship. It was always thus, but I think there is more honesty, and perhaps less dating to lead to marriage and more sex and dating “for now” and “friends with benefits”.</p>

<p>Mythmom, are you actually suggesting fwb is a good thing? Seems a bit shallow and delusional to think that physical intimacy has no emotional consequences. Maybe this is Gov. Spitzer’s thinking too.</p>

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<p>I just try to do what dads have done for a long time. A two part system.</p>

<p>1) Do my best to instill in her a value system that will both enable her and protect her in her relationships with others.
2) Develop the hearing of a rock and the eyesight of a mole.</p>

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<p>Uh, quareidfaciam, Gov. Spitzer is a married man who paid for sex with a prostitute (repeatedly). I can’t see what that has to do with FWB.</p>

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<p>Glad I asked about ‘sexile’. I don’t see anything wrong with it as long as it is by mutual agreement and I don’t believe that is a recent phenomenon at all. Probably been around since coed dorms (and before that too, I’m sure). None of the issues raised by OP alarm me too much.</p>

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<p>Vicarious, I agree with you. Before I sent my son to college, I gave him some advice. I thought it was perfect opportunity, because he had not met a roommate, knew little about college life, and was very open to listening. I told him to have self respect, and to draw the line in the sand as far as how much he was willing to compromise. I told him to let his roommate know that we were paying for half of the room and that he was not willing to sleep Friday and Sat. nights in some hallway. I told him to make sure that he was not going to be stepped on, and to stand his ground if a roommate tried to take advantage of the roommate situation. I was very happy that we had this discussion. Everything has worked out well.</p>

<p>Just to add, I told my son not to be doormat about other RM issues: ie: music playing all night long, friends in the room at 4am on weekdays, drinking alcohol in the room, and all the other typical RM issues that can come up. I let him know it is just about having basic self respect, yet being able to compromise on the small stuff.</p>

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<p>“Sexile” is a term I hadn’t heard until a few years ago, but the concept is probably as old as shared rooms. As I remember, the tie-on-the-door signal featured in “Love Story,” which took place at still-single-sex Harvard in the late 60s. (Draping your tie on the doorknob to signal “Do Not Disturb”: there’s an outdated idea.)</p>

<p>As for “mutual agreement”: some agreements are a lot more mutual than others. I think this is a frequent source of tension between roommates. Its burdens are rarely shared equally.</p>

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<p>JHS, I agree. I suggested to my son, before he moved into his dorm, that he set boundaries early and that he made it known that he is not going to be pushed around for the year. Whatever he ended up doing, it worked out well for him. My son is not outspoken, but he does have self respect, so he will stand up for himself.</p>

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<p>Develop the hearing of a rock and the eyesight of a mole.</p>

<p>Well I have that part covered all ready. :p</p>

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If she’s had reasonable access to television, movies, magazines, or contemporaries, I doubt there’s much going on that she hasn’t already heard about.</p>

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<p>I believe I had heard the term sexile before but forgotten the term. When I read it here, I was thinking, hmmm…is the prefix being used as in “sextuplets”??</p>

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<p>I’m at a top state school and can tell you that all those stories are true. Condoms are given out for free all across campus (which is awesome) and it’s a general rule that if you bring a girl/guy back to your dorm your roomate spends the night somewhere else (as long as this isn’t a habit). I didn’t this was shocking news to people but I guess I was wrong…</p>

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<p>Exactly. Not much changes from HS –> College…it’s just that “us kids” can do it with a little more freedom than at home.</p>

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<p>diegodad, Based on this study, it’s definitely the norm and not an anomaly:</p>

<p>[Study:</a> 1 in 4 teen girls has an STD - CNN.com](<a href=“http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/conditions/03/11/teen.std.ap/index.html]Study:”>http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/conditions/03/11/teen.std.ap/index.html)</p>

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<p>As one of the more sexually conservative parents on this site–at least that’s my impression from other threads–I’d give somewhat different advice.</p>

<p>I think you do have to prepare kids, especially daughters. It’s simply fact that there are lots of sexual assaults on college campuses and that over three quarters of those assaults are of freshman and first semester sophomores. The vast majority of those that are reported are committed by upperclassmen. The typical case is a first semester female, a bit drunk, and a senior. I think that’s more than half the reported cases. </p>

<p>I think you have to tell your daughters that it’s a bad idea to drink too much and an even worse one to drink too much when you are with people you don’t know well. I think you also tell them that they cannot assume that just because a guy is cute and belongs to top frat or is a big man on campus that means he isn’t a sexual predator. They should also be told that if they get into a situation in which they feel uncomfortable, they should get out of it. Don’t let someone manipulate them by saying they are “immature” or “acting like a high school kid” or whatever. If a guy you don’t know well asks you back to his dorm room to “talk” do not assume he is telling you the truth. </p>

<p>I also told my D that if she had too much to drink, she shouldn’t let a male “volunteer” to walk her back to the dorm. I also told her that if one of her girlfriends has too much to drink at a party she should insist on going with whoever “volunteered” to help her friend get back to the dorm. Don’t let a guy walk a drunken girl back to the dorm alone. </p>

<p>Of course, add the standard advice about not letting a guy they don’t know VERY well fetch a drink for them from the bar --very common when the guy is 21 and the girl isn’t–or drinking out of a glass that they’ve let out of their sight when dancing or whatever. </p>

<p>When it comes to consensual sex, I have another requirement. While my position is that this is something that belongs in marriage, I made it clear that this is a choice each person has to make personally. However, I did tell my D that should she decide to have sex with someone that they needed to decide what would happen if she did get pregnant. Abortion is contrary to my beliefs. I hope that my D would never have an abortion. If she thinks that she would not or might not, then she has a responsibility to tell any young man she might decide to have sex that fact before having sex. LOTS of young men these days assume that if a young woman gets pregnant, she’ll have an abortion. That isn’t always a safe assumption. Should a young woman choose not to abort a child and raise it herself, a young man is financially responsible for that child until the child is 18 years of age. IMO, young men need to know this and need to take that into account. </p>

<p>IMO, if college students aren’t willing to have this discussion before having sex, they do not belong in bed with that person. I have friends who are parents with very different views than my own, but they have found this advice to be good. It can be pretty awful for a young man who finds out someone he slept with is pregnant and she intends to raise the child herself and expects him to support that child financially. </p>

<p>I think all young people also need to know that a condom will not protect against herpes because the warts may not be entirely covered by it. It’s surprising how many young people are unaware of this. </p>

<p>The OP’s D should be fine. However, I would spend a bit of time explaining the points above.</p>

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<p>That’s a study of high-school-aged girls, mapesy. And it didn’t have anything to do with trysts in the shower.</p>

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<p>I completely agree with this. I have warned my older son that I am not raising another child, and that if he ever got a woman pregnant, he really loses control of whether that child is given up for adoption, who will raise it, if there will or won’t be an abortion, etc. I also told him that he will be responsible for that child if the mother decides to give birth to the child, and raises the child, whether he likes it or not.</p>

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<p>My LAC alma mater was the first to institute coed dorms in the late l960’s. Although the guys never wore ties, they became adept at flattening wastebaskets. The college rule to keep “three feet on the floor and a wastebasket in the door” was handled this way, with flat metal ex-wastecans jutting out from completely closed doors. Ah, happy memories.</p>

<p>Jonri, I did find your articulation about girls’ differing sensibilities about abortion to be extremely important. Among liberal families, there is an assumption, quite wrong, that in the event of pregnancy the girl will prefer an abortion. We had serious talks with our sons about this, and it did take them by surprise (not much does). They have been raised to believe in a woman’s right to choose, but needed to be reminded she might choose differently than they imagine, and if so THEY are financially responsible forever, and their various dreams come tumbling down.</p>

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<p>What’s rather amusing is some articles I read last year (?) about the LACK of sex at many top ranked schools; how students overestimate how much sex people are having, and how difficult it is to find time for relationships (temporary or not) when faced with the heavy workload, huge EC commitments, and the need to sleep occasionally. They ain’t getting any - or not much. I don’t have time to find those links, but one article (maybe in the new york times) was titled something like “going home alone”… It may be different at universities with lower/lesser work load and more free time??? Someone more tech savvy than me, please hunt for that article…</p>