<p>I’m sure that you have had moments when someone has provoked you.</p>
<p>Do you think that there is ever an occasion when it’s appropiate to lose your cool? In other words, do you think that there are people for whom calm assertiveness does not work?</p>
<p>absolutely. As long as you do it with class, and with good reason. No name calling, no physical contact.</p>
<p>It depends on what you mean by “losing your cool.”</p>
<p>If you mean acting violent or threatening violence, no.</p>
<p>If you mean acting in a manner that a neutral observer would perceive as bullying, even if no violence or threat of violence is involved, no.</p>
<p>But if you merely mean showing your emotions – including such emotions as anger or frustration – then the answer may be yes in some contexts, such as your social life. But I wouldn’t risk it on the job.</p>
<p>I was scolded when I was a young associate at a law firm for NOT yelling at my secretary when we were having a time crunch/rush at work. The senior partner said you have to know how & when to yell at the staff to get them to work harder. I nodded and pretended to absorb this bit of sage advice while secretly STRONGLY disagreeing. After the crisis passed, I asked my secretary & other long-time staff at other offices if hypothetically yelling at them or raising my voice when there was already a HUGE time crunch that ALL knew about would have done anything good. The unanimous consensus was that it would have worsened everything–increased stress, increased mistakes, and just made everyone have a harder time meeting the tight deadline.</p>
<p>I try my best to stay very calm and collected in all professional settings. In my personal/social life, I admit I can sometimes get exasperated but try not to show it more often and generally end up apologizing if I do “blow my cool.” (Fortunately, it is pretty rare.) Reacting in anger is rarely helpful to situations, especially if it’s someone you need to work with on any on-going basis.</p>
<p>I was recently told by HR that I couldn’t call someone stupid, even when they were really stupd. They suggested that maybe I could use phrase like “possible room for improvement.” I was very cool when I called someone stupid.</p>
<p>It is only OK to lose your cool with spouses. With everyone else it is bad manners.</p>
<p>*I was recently told by HR that I couldn’t call someone stupid, even when they were really stupd. They suggested that maybe I could use phrase like “possible room for improvement.” I was very cool when I called someone stupid. *</p>
<p>Funny! </p>
<p>So, from now on, your employees will know that “room for improvement” is code for “you are stupid.” </p>
<p>lol</p>
<p>I’ll never forget my first job and witnessing stress. It was 1979, in a small advertising agency. I suppose deadlines were closing in and something went amiss. I was a lowly associate at the time, but from where I sat, I could see all the action. A very high level supervisor was raging on and on to someone (forget who). I remember thinking to myself that “someday, I hope to have that kind of commitment to the job that it was worth shouting at someone.” I’ve tried to forget that scene because I know now that that’s exactly the worst example of someone in charge.</p>
<p>I am very mellow and let many things slide because its just not worth the bother to confront others.</p>
<p>My fathers second wife used every opportunity to try and push my buttons when he wasnt around. I just kept lettting it go. Her behavior escaladed. When he became gravely ill she did something completely over the top and I let her have it. First time in my life I lost control and just started screaming at her. I have no idea what I said but I screamed myself out and it felt awesome. She on the other hand ran from the house and thereafter never pushed me again. Best thing I’ve ever done!</p>
<p>I would never, ever lose control at work. I would lay out the consequences to the behavior I did not like and follow through.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s ever okay to tell an employee “you are stupid”–because what on earth can the employee do to change that? However, you can say “wow, that was a stupid decision! what would you do differently next time?” (and yes, sometimes, there isn’t a next time, if the decision was stupid enough). </p>
<p>While “losing your cool” can have a million different descriptions, I would think that it’s pretty much always a bad idea to humiliate someone in front of other people. It’s also an excellent way to make a life-long enemy. </p>
<p>My preferred method of losing it, many years ago, was to throw glasses into the sink, where they would break with a satisfying crash. Over the years, I got rid of all three dozen wine glasses monogrammed with my husband’s last initial–a wedding present from my MIL, who hadn’t realized I wasn’t changing my name, and yelled at me when she found out. (It was a lovely rehearsal dinner, thank you, up to that point.)</p>
<p>I LOVE the idea of breaking stuff and have been sorely tempted many times. My MIL used to throw dishes when she was mad at her kids (at the wall, not at the kids). </p>
<p>I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to lose your cool at work. I’ve bitten my tongue, race-walked to the ladies room, and been a royal b<em>t</em>h when I’ve gotten home, but I don’t think there’s an upside to losing it at work. Of course, I’ve never had an important enough job to get away with it, either.</p>
<p>But, if you’re the family accommodator, or the person acquaintances feel it’s fine to walk all over, I think that losing it in your personal life can communicate where your boundaries are and what you absolutely will not tolerate. It’s too bad that some people need that kind of response to finally get it.
Doesn’t it, though? :D</p>
<p>dmd77 - I am sure the recipient felt the same as you, but the trading floor wouldn’t feel the same if they ever found out that their IT staff, without thinking, put both disaster recovery servers(backup) and production servers in the same location, AND same power line. If I wasn’t a lady, a lot of other words would have come out of me.</p>
<p>I think that there certainly are occasions when losing your temper, ranting, raving and using cuss words that have never emerged from your mouth previously is acceptable, but only when discussing infidelity. </p>
<p>I have never lost my cool at work and I agree that yelling at secretaries is not productive. The secretaties at my firm volunteer to do my rush work because I do not yell and because I acknowledge their efforts to their supervisors. </p>
<p>I have also lost my temper, but not my cool, with school personnel when dealing with my children’s issues and their obdurate insistence on not getting things.</p>
<p>I think an occasional angry outburst can be very effective but only if it’s used very, very infrequently. If it’s done often, those around you learn very quickly to discount it as ‘Mom’s ranting again’ or "Dad has an anger problem.’ One of the problems with ‘losing your cool’ is it deflects from the issue at hand (whatever it is that is making you angry) and instead focuses the attention on your anger and can leave the recipient feeling that your’re the one with problem, not them.</p>
<p>I’ve tried to use it only when the stakes are high or I’m extremely upset about something.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s ever appropriate in the workplace but it does happen. Smart employees/bosses, etc. allow themselves to calm down and then go back to the recipient of the outburst and apologize, take responsibility for their angry outburst and then discuss the original issue with the person. I’ve seen many people fired over the years because they couldn’t keep their anger in check.</p>
<p>There are times that call for the grand gesture, but even when doing so, you have to be in control yourself, even if you are acting as if you are uncontrolled. (Think driving the money changers out of the temple…)</p>
<p>When we were in the midst of college touring my son and I had some less than stellar customer service. </p>
<p>Worst of all time was the lady at the BWI Avis pick up location who told me that the person at the counter “Was right to call you a b—ch.” My ‘offense’ had been to ask for the car I had ordered (months before) and to question why others were picking up similar cars when I had waited for longer. </p>
<p>After her ‘comment’ I had the good fortune of needing to take a few minute walk back to the original counter in the terminal to confront the counter person. Upon arrival I was composed and calmly walked to the person who had ‘helped’ me, told her that in no uncertain terms I wanted to speak to the most highly placed person at Avis for the DC airports and proceeded to do so. I had the name of the counter person and the person at car pick up. I described the incident with as much dispassion as possible and requested:
<p>I made the observation that if these were not forthcoming I would explore other options for compensation. </p>
<p>All 3 were taken care of, immediately or within a few weeks.<br>
I could certainly have gotten upset, honestly, I was a very frequent renter from Avis (though I have not rented from them since) and nothing I did was remotely out of line. </p>
<p>But, I knew my son was watching me (really, I could care less what people who do not know me think about me…) and my goal was that the anecdote not forever end with- you should have seen mom… because no one ever forgets those kind of things, do they?</p>
<p>Standing in a fall of Saigon line at Damascus airport with ladies on their way back to Saudi with my four year old son and a friend. A male tried to cut in ahead of us. I don’t remember the how and why totally but I remember grabbing his suitcase and throwing it as I told him to go to the end of the line. I have never lived it down.</p>
<p>I have never felt good after losing my cool, and as I get older I have become better at mastering a sense of serenity in the face of frustration (well, usually). I wish I had realized decades ago how beneficial it can be to remain calm no matter what. It isn’t that I was ever a hothead or anything (probably just the norm). But I do admire people like Ghandi and others who are truly exceptional in their reactions to things. I am very motivated to become better and better at being detached enough from this world in order to have a healthy “distance” on whatever explodes in front of me. I guess it is just a quest or a process (something you never really master).</p>
<p>I’ve lived in different places across the country, and there are a variety of cultural norms regarding this topic. In NYC you are completely normal if you blow a little here and there (or even a lot here and there). In another part of the U.S., you are certifiable if you do it even once. OK, maybe not certifiable, but if you really lose your cool you have just handed your detractors a very special gift that will keep on giving as long as they dislike you or are in a position to compete with you. You have also probably alienated some admirers. I have actually seen people completely lose their friendship group or job in parts of the country where even a medium-sized blow is not seen in a favorable light. </p>
<p>People in NYC think they are at the top of the food chain in terms of aggression (“if I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere…”). There is even a saying about never staying away from NY long enough to get soft. The thing is, people in tougher cities like New York have no idea how nasty the PASSIVE aggression can be in other parts of the country. At least in the Big Apple, you know where you stand with people. You know if Oldfort thinks you are stupid. In “softer” locales, you won’t be confronted with your stupidity, but the person who is unhappy with you will instead tell every single person they know about how stupid you are for the next thirty years. Most likely, you’ll never even find out about it.</p>
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<p>This is exactly where I am at the moment. And I agree, detachment is very hard to achieve and takes a lot of practice…I think quest is a good word for it. I struggle with this every day…some days I can do it with great ease, other days, not so much.</p>
<p>One of the most profound upsides in learning to detach is you begin to see more clearly what motivates people to act they way they do and instead of taking it personally you learn to respond with more compassion.</p>
<p>Hee, hee, I am no longer in NY, and people have told me that I have gone soft. I will need to toughen up before I return next year. People around me don’t stay uhappy with me for too long. It’s not my MO to raise my voice, it’s usually my words which sting, sometimes that’s harder to get over.</p>