<p>Yet again, the weekend plans that D2 made weeks ago are being cancelled. Sometimes it’s literally when we’re about to leave the house!! Kids forget they had other obligations or decide to back out or I don’t know what…It’s dinner plans, or hanging out… Even her Sweet 16 had about 60% attendance among the RSVP "yes"es. D1 had even lower turnout at her graduation party, and it was the same with all the parties she attended that year. </p>
<p>I may have ranted about this a few years ago…but it keeps happening!! Are all kids this inconsiderate? Obviously my kids aren’t the popular ones, with people crashing their parties, etc., but I don’t want them to be doormats, either, putting up with this rude behavior.</p>
<p>Any ideas on how to avoid this in the future? No sarcastic teen comments, please.</p>
<p>Same problem here. My son planned a big after-prom party. We gave him a pretty good budget and he also spent some of his own money. That night, he walked in with ONE friend. Everybody else canceled. It was heartbreaking. And DS s a friendly kid, so I don’t know what the problem was.</p>
<p>Frankly, I’ve noticed the same trend with adults. Many times we will invite people over, and they end up canceling at the last minute. Growing up, I learned that you don’t cancel unless there’s a real emergency. I guess other people didn’t get that message.</p>
<p>People are self-centered. I have to wonder if some people are just so oblivious to the feelings of others that they don’t realize their actions affect other people. I have a lot of friends like that, that I only see now and then because it’s too irritating to make plans with them.</p>
<p>From what I have seen with my kids’ peers, many can’t be bothered on the night of, so they don’t attend. As a result, all 3 of my kids do not intend to have parties…ever…well perhaps not until they have a more mature group of friends. In my age group, there would have to be a major calamity for a cancellation once an invite has been accepted…failing that, there would not be a repeat invitation.</p>
<p>This is a problem, even when there’s been significant investment. I hesitate to let my son spend much ahead of time because I don’t want him to waste his money by planning to go to a concert for example, and then having his friend back out.
I try to live by the rule of “once you accept an invitation, you can’t back out because you get a better offer.” That doesn’t mean I don’t change plans because family fails to plan until late for “important” milestone events, like baptisms, graduations, etc.</p>
<p>I agree that you shouldn’t just think this is your kids. I find that my kids plans are changing constantly, and they aren’t the ones making the changes. They also can’t get anyone to commit more than a day or two in advance to making any plans. They are in college. I also see issues with adults who don’t RSVP and then show up to some social event. I think that good manners are becoming extinct.</p>
<p>Happens many many times to my D though not normally with her core group. I think it happens for a variety of reasons. Kids are self-centered and if they get a better offer, they cancel without consideration. Sometimes it’s because they didn’t run it by their parents until the last minute. Lately, it seems to be because kids want a place to drink and that’s not our house. Whatever the reason, it’s very tough on the kid making the plans. My D has stopped planning group events in advance.</p>
<p>I have a friend who, whenever you ask to make plans, she says “I don’t know what I’m doing yet” and won’t commit til the last minute-- wants to see if she gets a better offer, she’s always done it. But it’s strange, because she usually does come in the end and we have a blast, we’ve been friends since pre-school. It just does not occur to her that this is obnoxious behavior, how it might make me feel is not even on her radar even when I have tried to point it out. I guess I would rather that than have her back out at the last minute, after that I would not be the one to initiate the next outing.</p>
<p>Ever since I moved to the south, I’ve noticed RSVPs are honored completely. Parties are well attended. I like this about the south. I have to admit.</p>
<p>My D had some friends/acquaintances that she referred to as “better offer” people. As in, they were happy to hang with her unless they got a better offer. Which is how they moved down the list from friends to acquaintances.</p>
<p>I’ll never forget when my son was in middle school and had decided he was too old to trick or treat, until he was in school and two friends said they were going and did he want to go with them? He said sure, came home, spent 2 hours putting a costume together and then waited for them to call. And waited. And waited. I finally convinced him to call one boy’s house, and they had already gone out. They eventually called back and said they were sorry, they had forgotten to call him. My son was not the most outgoing kid, and it was devastating. (He’s a perfectly happy 24 year old now, but he’s still not a huge fan of Halloween.)</p>
<p>poetgrl, I live in New England but most of my relatives live in the south. I think you’re right, the social niceties seem to be more honored there.</p>
<p>Northeast. Could definitely be regional. I thought it might get better as the kids got older, but college kids are just as bad. It’s no way to behave as a professional–despite the stuff Don Draper pulls on “Mad Men,” most people don’t cancel appointments, meetings, etc., on a whim.</p>
<p>I work with teens all summer at a day camp. We actually reward the few who show up for work all 39 days…and I’d say it’s maybe twenty percent. Sure, some have college orientation or a family trip or come down with a stomach bug, but there are some who don’t take their commitments too seriously. Maybe after college???</p>
<p>I’ve found southerners just like a gathering more. They see it as an opportunity rather than a commitment. I think it may have to do with the weather. Also church culture, club culture and sports culture. </p>
<p>The men are more social, which is the difference. I hope all us northerners moving down here don’t ruin that.</p>
<p>I remember when an older sibling gave me a heads-up about how teens’ plans OFTEN fall thru. </p>
<p>*Same problem here. My son planned a big after-prom party. We gave him a pretty good budget and he also spent some of his own money. That night, he walked in with ONE friend. Everybody else canceled. It was heartbreaking. And DS s a friendly kid, so I don’t know what the problem was.</p>
<p>*
How horrible </p>
<p>*</p>
<p>Frankly, I’ve noticed the same trend with adults. Many times we will invite people over, and they end up canceling at the last minute. Growing up, I learned that you don’t cancel unless there’s a real emergency. I guess other people didn’t get that message.*</p>
<p>Yes, we learned early on to never invite just one couple, always invite 2-3 couples. It was too frustrating to do the shopping, cooking, cleaning only to have a couple call 15 minutes before they’re supposed to arrive and say, "oh we’re too tired, we were gardening today (or whatever). By inviting 2-3 couples we were sure to have at least 2-4 guests for dinner. </p>
<p>I, too, grew up being taught that you don’t cancel unless it’s something urgent. I would never have allowed myself to get “all tired out” doing yardwork or whatever when I had plans for that evening. </p>
<p>I think with teens, too many parents have no idea what their plans are, so when they rudely decide to “blow off” plans to do something with someone else, the parents don’t even know.</p>
<p>I do agree with the above…since moving to the South, we haven’t had this problem. But we sure did in Calif. I remember H invited his uncle and aunt to dinner. I put on a HUGE effort. Right before they were to arrive, the uncle called and said he was “too tired” from golfing that day.</p>
<p>The northern midwest has a bunch of cancelers too. </p>
<p>Just yesterday I had three friends say “yeah, I’ll come to that French thing with you! There’s free food! I’m in!” yet at 3:50 (the event started at 4) they sent texts saying “oh, I have a headache so I can’t come” or “oh, my roommate is emotional and needs my help right now.” So there I was by myself, hanging out with my professors instead of my friends because they bailed. </p>
<p>Also, I had asked them to come to the event a week in advance, and they too replied with “I don’t know what I’m doing yet.” Am I such an anomaly to actually pull out a planner and mark stuff down a week or two in advance? Lol. It’s like a dying art in college. Nobody knows what they’re doing until five minutes before they do it. </p>
<p>And the Halloween story breaks my heart!! That’s so sad and inconsiderate.</p>
<p>I didn’t want to say it, poetgrl, but it’s the northeast where I’ve had the problem. It didn’t happen in Texas. It seems like up here, it works better to just ask people at the last minute and hope they don’t have other plans. Or maybe they cancel those plans to come see us? ;)</p>
<p>I cancelled plans up there. It’s what people do. </p>
<p>It wasn’t a better offer. For me, just some times the weather made me want to stay home and read a book. </p>
<p>Down here you just always go. It would be rude. You go to the things. If you don’t, that’s odd. I have to admit its new. But I really prefer it.</p>