Is it just my kids, or what?

Parent Cafe
21

<p>Can it also be an American thing? </p>

<p>I’ve been to Canada a few times, and everyone seemed very prompt, thorough, polite and just not the bail-at-the-last-minute type. </p>

<p>Also, from what I’ve heard from my mom, certain countries in Europe are better about that kind of stuff too. Especially France with their dinner parties. They’re quite a big deal!</p>

<p>Like:
You ate all of your food? You’re rude to suggest that your host didn’t make enough! You left too much food on your plate? You’re appalling to hint that you didn’t like it! </p>

<p>I can’t imagine what would happen if you just straight up didn’t come.</p>

22

<p>I was going to say the exact three things PinkBently said…better offer, parent problem (no,ride or not allowed) and lack of alcohol. My kids never had a party because I wouldn’t let them drink. I think kids see plans as more casual and don’t realize RSVP means a commitment.</p>

23

<p>I have given birthday parties for my kids every year, hosted 2 sweet 16s and 3 graduations parties. When kids were younger, I checked to make sure there were no other parties on our date and I usually sent out our invitations fairly early. Yes, and I have been known to call up other moms to let them know that my kid was having a party on certain date and would they not have their party on the same day. When kids got older, I left it up to them to negotiate with their friends about not having multiple parties on the same day. This sounds silly, but the trick was to make sure the “key people” were committed to come then others would just come. Another thing which sounds silly is to have a fun (cool) party. </p>

<p>I know a lot of parents tell their kids that true friends would come to their party no matter what, and if they don’t then they really are not such good friends. Truth of the matter is most people are shallow, they go to parties where they will have fun (good entertainment, food, drinks, and fun people). When you throw a party, make sure there is no other competing events and provide a lot of food/drinks/entertainment people like.</p>

<p>As an adult, I don’t think my friends have ever cancelled on me other than dire emergency.</p>

24

<p>I can think of one time in my adult life that I cancelled at the last minute.
We have dropped a number of friends as I am not as flexible as they might want me to be. Which does mean our circle has become smaller.</p>

<p>My best was My S’s sophomore yr and we invited, ahead just days, a couple who had been neighbors and the boys good friends, and our D’s as well, over for dessert after a school paly. Our S in charge of the lighting and theirs an actor.
They showed up 1 hour after we arrived at our house following the play because she had to talk to everyone. I had made a great cake and about 3 finger food dishes.
H said, “I am not eating carbs” so ate one thing. W said, “I am not eating X” so ate one thing. Then W said, “We need to leave as H wants to watch the 8th grade video of the team he is coaching and then there is Saturday Night Live”. That was 45 minutes after they arrived.
I did gather the courage to reply to her thank you email that we were disappointed that they left after such a short time. She defended her H as “tired from yard work”.
I am pretty good at freezing people out so I just ignored them after that. The H was clearly embarrassed and kept trying to be nice. I did finally become nice enough to him.
She still tries the “let’s get together for coffee–call me!” Yeah, in your dreams.
She was one of those who talked to you until she saw someone more interesting…
No love lost but what bad manners.</p>

25

<p>We didn’t let our kids (even as teens) to cancel at the last minute. Well, except one time when there was a major snow storm and the mother got upset.</p>

26

<p>yep. The weather.</p>

<p>I’m telling you, I think it’s all about the weather.</p>

27

<p>I don’t find that my adult friends cancel, but it’s often hard to find a time when everyone is free. I’ve noticed that my son’s friends make last minute plans. He never seems to know “what people are doing” until the day or night of. It would drive me nuts, but it doesn’t seem to bother him at all.
My Dd’s group (late 20s) is a bit more willing to commit. She can plan a few days in advance, and has to because of her work. She has told her friends that she can’t do something on the spur of the moment-she needs to know in advance so she can plan her work appointments around it. Because she’s been so consistently explicit, her good friends are more willing to plan ahead a bit for social things, and she hasn’t had an issue with friends canceling once plans are made.
What I have heard from Dd is that her clients- parents of school age kids - are always canceling but wanting to reschedule at the last minute. They don’t seem to respect her time. That’s annoying-in fact she finds it extremely frustrating- but because she needs the business, she has to be flexible.</p>

28

<p>I think it’s the drinking, plus cell phones.</p>

<p>Our son’s birthday falls on New Years Eve. Sophomore year of High School, he invited a dozen friends over. Arriving around 7, they ate a buffet of good homecooked dinner food. Several expressed surprise to see food at a party.</p>

<p>Then, phones started ringing. I figure they were hearing about other parties where alcohol was available to them. By 10 p,m. only one friend remained at his party. They liked him, so it’s not that. They all got a better offer and just left. </p>

<p>Rudest thing I ever saw.</p>

29

<p>I would have had the party on another day. If my birthday was on the Superbowl day, I would have my birthday party on another night.</p>

30

<p>We have this problem with our book group.
It was very difficult getting a date @ time that we all could meet & all but one of us had agreed, & her difficulty was that she liked to leave that day open in case “something came up”.
She even lives across the st from where we were meeting & was home, but “was planning to go out”.
( she didn’t go out while we were there)
Some people just need an etiquette refresh course.</p>

31

<p>Harvestmoon, are you me?</p>

<p>I, too, write things down in advance as soon as I hear about them, and I seem to be the only one. In fact, one organisation I’m in refuses to send out emails about events more than 3 days in advance because “people will forget and they won’t come”. I just don’t understand it!</p>

<p>This whole situation is one of my biggest pet peeves.</p>

32

<p>Magnets are a good " save the date" idea.</p>

33

<p>DD did not want me to make formal invitations for her sweet 16 party. She invited 8 friends, and 4 said yes, 4 said maybe. </p>

<p>At party start time, nobody was here. One girl came just a little bit late. Then there was long awkard time until the best friend arrived very late with many apologies. One of the no-shows had gotten called into work. The other one had to babysit her little brother . </p>

<p>At my son’s graduation party, I was stunned that he invited 100 friends via FB. He assured me that Yes means Maybe… and Maybe means No.</p>

34

<p>Some of this might be based on regional culture as well as individual personalities/circumstances.</p>

<p>IME in the NE, whether someone comes to a gathering/party depends on individual maturity, weather, work/family schedule, etc. </p>

<p>All of those factors in isolation or in some mix can cause folks to not be sure of their schedule until the last minute, to cancel at the last minute, and/or to forget to cancel at all. Most people tend to be understanding of work/family schedules…especially considering many friends and sometimes I myself work very odd hours or are in jobs where we could be called back into the office/job during evenings/early mornings. </p>

<p>Most of my friends and I don’t do RSVPs for the above reasons and because among most friends, it’s viewed as too formal for anything other than a formal occasion like a large birthday party, wedding or something along those lines. </p>

<p>Even using FB’s invitations where RSVPs are provided as an option for invitees, whether someone RSVPs or not is not necessarily a good indicator of whether they’re coming or not. All the friends who have done invites for house parties/gatherings, musical performances, bar nights, etc take the “it is what it is” view and don’t get hung up on whether the RSVP list corresponds with who actually shows up or not. </p>

<p>Personally, once I RSVP to an event, I do make it a point to go unless there’s a genuine last minute emergency…and “I’m too tired” isn’t it. Especially considering I am a bit of a follow set plans once they’re made type so I will make sure I’m not doing anything to be “too tired” or something weak like that on the day of the event. </p>

<p>If I’m not certain I can go to an event less formal than a wedding or birthday party, I’d usually prefer to not RSVP and instead, email/call in advance to let them know that I’d try to make it to their event, but I can’t guarantee it. IME, it’s much better than using FB’s “Maybe” option…especially considering in practice, it seems it’s the same as saying “I’m not coming”.</p>

<p>Ironically, I’ve found like most friends, I have a much harder time feeling able to make commitments once out of college because our jobs are of the type where we could and are often called in to work/office at the last minute during evenings/weekends…including while we’re at a friend’s musical performance, house gathering, or even a weekend BBQ.</p>

<p>At the last weekend BBQ I was invited to which started on a late July saturday early afternoon, within the first 3 hours, 3 out of the first 7 guests ended up having to leave because some emergency developed at their respective jobs and they were recalled to the office. Out of a total of around 20 who were invited, about another 5-7 canceled within an hour or less of the start time for the same reasons. </p>

<p>At the end the host, myself, and 4 other friends were the only ones lucky enough to stick around for the entire BBQ from early afternoon till midnight. Enjoyed some fine German bratwursts and other meats accompanied by a variety of beverages…including two kinds of beer homebrewed by the host and a friend themselves. :)</p>

35

<p>I don’t think it’s just weather related. We experienced this in Southern Calif. </p>

<p>I think that when people were more mannerly, they didn’t allow themselves to get “exhausted” on the day that they had an invite. If they had yardwork to do, they didn’t spend ALL DAY doing it…they may have spent a couple of morning hours, and then took a refreshing nap later. The idea that anyone would “wear themselves out” on the same day that they had an evening event to attend is just so short-sighted. </p>

<p>I do think cell phones are part of the problem now with teens.</p>

36

<p>There was an article about social cancellations in the NY Times Sunday Styles section a year or so back. They attributed some of it to cell phones . . . it’s easy to cancel at the last minute with a call or, better, a text. The rest is simple bad manners! My mom taught me that if I accepted an invitation, I went even if I got a better offer or didn’t feel like it the day of the event. I still operate that way . . . don’t want mom to yell at me!!!</p>

<p>I had a friend in law school who was a waiting for a better offer kind of guy. And he always came late. We cured him of this by not waiting for him to decide . . . “we’re getting tickets to the Stones concert, want to come?” If he didn’t commit then and there, we got the tickets and went without him. And when he came late to things, he found we had left without him. Didn’t take long for him to change his ways.</p>

37

<p>@ dreaming: I totally feel your pain! I don’t understand how people can function planning their events a few days before. I’m always operating at least a week in advance. I think my schedule would fall through if I didn’t. </p>

<p>For my club, I send an email out/post on Facebook as soon as I get an event organized and then also send a message out a couple days before. I’ve found that most of my peers don’t really take heed of the event until the 2-days-before mark, but I also send an earlier one out for the off chance that someone else plans in advance like me. :)</p>

38

<p>Happens to my kids in Northern California. Often. I don’t get how the persons involved can be so inconsiderate of other’s feelings.</p>

39

<p>In my past I probably was more likely to RSVP and not attend. Especially for large events where I didn’t feel like I would be missed/my attendance was tertiary to the host. Mine was never “better offers”, unless you count sitting at home alone with a book a better offer (not much for crowds). I am much better as an full grown parent/adult than i was as a young adult.</p>

40

<p>It is not a problem, it is also unavoidable and there is nothing to worry about. It has a name - “human nature”.<br>
Surprise, we are all humans (well, maybe some here are advanced robots, but not people who I know, they are humans, they make mistakes, big and small).<br>
Always look positively. It is a sign that you are busy or people around you (who made the most recent mistake(s)) are busy. Pat yourslef on a back and say that you are and people around you are interesting and engaging type…good for you!</p>