Is it just my kids, or what?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I don’t have many people say they’ll come and not show up, but I have had parties were almost no one RSVP’d. I had one party where I invited 40 people and only two couples came. So I’ve pretty much given up. The only way to find out if people are coming is to call everyone you’ve invited and guilt them into saying yes. We have a lot of neighborhood parties, I’m a good cook, but all the no shows started to make me feel unloved so I’ve stopped feeling guilty about not returning invitations.</p>

<p>My son instead of having a 21st birthday party called a few of his friends that afternoon and asked if they’d like to come for birthday pie. Some of them arrived and hadn’t had dinner yet, so we fed them too. It was very relaxed, the kids somehow managed to find a group present for him and we all had a very nice time. Better than the stress of a formal party.</p>

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<p>*Especially for large events where I didn’t feel like I would be missed/my attendance was tertiary to the host. *</p>

<p>That can be true for large impersonal events…such as Company Christmas Party or something like that.</p>

<p>But, we’re seeing stories here of large parties being planned and many “no shows”. </p>

<p>We went to a wedding last fall and were surprised at all the “no shows”. Prior to the wedding we heard many people saying, “I sure hope to get invited.” (this was a co-worker’s wedding). About 15 co-workers (and spouses) were invited and nearly all RSVP’d that they were coming. When we went, we found that only ONE other co-worker showed up. The rest never came. This was a wedding with a DINNER, where you pay per head! </p>

<p>That said, I can see why someone would think that they wouldn’t be missed if they blew off a large gathering, but people are blowing off small gatherings…and even ones where THEY are the only invited guests. Do these people even process that their hosts “cleaned, shopped, cooked, etc” for many hours???</p>

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<p>*I don’t have many people say they’ll come and not show up, but I have had parties were almost no one RSVP’d. I had one party where I invited 40 people and only two couples came. So I’ve pretty much given up. *</p>

<p>Yikes! </p>

<p>RSVPing seems to be an issue as well. People often don’t RSVP so that they can “keep their options open” ugh! </p>

<p>And, I would never do a “Regrets Only” invite, because then I’d probably get no responses at all. Those who aren’t coming often don’t bother to respond, and those who plan on coming won’t have a need to respond.</p>

<p>I have to confess that I have to get on my H about these things. He often will want to blow off invites. Frankly, I think it’s because he has NO CLUE about all that’s involved in party-planning. H doesn’t cook (or clean…lol), so in his mind, it’s not a big deal. His mind would never process the multi-steps the host/hostess went thru to put the whole thing together. So, I have to sometimes insist that we attend when he wants to flake.</p>

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<p>I hate that. It can basically be translated into “I’ll come, only if there’s nothing better to do”. It’s so rude- either say yes or no.</p>

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<p>I can’t talk about young people down south, but with adults the culture is when you say yes, it is a commitment you keep from my experience with folks from there and from going to them when going to our corporate HQ. Social gatherings, formal or informal are treated quite seriously (and IME, are generally usually really good because of it). </p>

<p>I have noticed the same thing where I live (Northeast), and I really think that people don’t know how to handle social things well any more. When I was growing up and into young adulthood, when people made plans when people said yes, it was because they knew they could make it, because they checked with everyone involved (if it was family) and made sure. I suspect part of the problem is that people are so busy they don’t even think when saying yes, they have so much stacked up, they don’t even remember what they have (so much for smart phones and such organizing our lives), others accept invitations and then as others have said, pick the one they really want to go to, etc. It isn’t totally modern times, I remember in high school girls and guys who would have a date with someone they ‘settled’ for, but would be hoping someone else would ask them (or they asked), and then suddenly they were ‘unavailable’ (had that happen to me, girl cancelled with me thursday for Friday, was out with friends, and saw her at the local diner hangout with another guy…needless to say, the girl spent most of the night trying to hide from me, which must have made her date pretty crappy:). </p>

<p>I do think it is getting worse, and I wonder if it is because so much socializing these days is virtual, where people consider people on facebook or good reads as ‘friends’, where those connections come and go…people I wonder are translating that into the ‘real’ world, and because it is so tenuous online, they think it is the same in real life. Especially when it isn’t a casual thing “Oh, you know, just some people getting together on Sunday”,but rather it is a party where they really put out. </p>

<p>To be honest, I am starting to sound like my father, but it is almost like commitments as a whole have lost value, I see it at work where people make a commitment to do something, or realize we have a project that needs to be done, then blow it off, leaving it to others, as if it doesn’t matter. </p>

<p>In some ways I do sympathize with people, that after a long week it may be that all they want to do is plop on the sofa and watch cheezy movies and yet they have said yes, but maybe part of the answer is realizing that person had a bad week, still was going through with the event, and then faced a bunch of people not showing up, imagine how they feel…</p>

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<p>This is a major problem in the NE. A party planner told a friend who was planning a Sweet 16 to count on at least a 20% attrition rate of confirmed attendees, but it would probably be closer to 40%.</p>

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<p>I’ve been dealing with my kids for 30 years now, and I swear I’m with a whole new generation of parents now, and they are not as capable, nor do they plan ahead as those I knew many years ago. I had to take over the most pathetic pot luck ever. Back in the day we NEVER, EVER, EVER had too little food. Always way too much. So it was a shock that too few people brought offerings, and most everything was paltry and store/restaranut bought. My son wistfully asked me if I remembered the events when his older brothers had these things, and it pulled at my heart, as he too could tell that this just isn’t the same. </p>

<p>Spontaneity seems to be the thing these days. No one wants to commit, RSVPs are not forthcoming as they used to be. We used to get 75% of the parents and kids responding one way or the other, and now it’s more like 15-25%. I’m on the phone asking if they are coming since they did not respond, and they don’t want to commit even then!</p>

<p>So it’s not just your kids. I’m in the same spot and see it everywhere. I have been ragging on my kids not to be this way, but it’s tough when that’s the way people are doing things.</p>

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<p>My son rarely wants to have people over, but my daughter did a lot when she was in HS. Whenever she was planning something, she’d check to see if there were any “competing” activities her friends would want to attend, and picked a different day. She had her graduation party a week before the actual graduation ceremony for this reason, and everyone who said they were coming did. Maybe a similar strategy could work for your kids?</p>

<p>There was an interesting article not too long ago in Christianity Today about “the god of open options” that everyone seems to worship. People live in fear of losing a better opportunity, so they fail to genuinely commit to anything, or to honor the commitments they do make. I’ve raised my kids to honor the first commitment first, even if a free trip to Disney World opens up on the same day. It’s actually pretty freeing to have a rule like this because once you’ve committed to attending something, there is no longer any choice and thus, no angst or guilt about deciding.</p>

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<p>I think part of the problem is the lack of “real” invitations. Paper invitations that come in the mail… And phoned invitations when you talk to the actual host are more “real”. Mailed invitations hang on the fridge and announce themselves every time you open the door. Phoned invitations get written in the calendar as you are excitedly talking to the host.</p>

<p>Email and social media invitations get lost. Sometimes they don’t look like actual invitations, they look like advertisements. Sometimes, you think, “I’ll have to get back to that when I check my calendar”, and then 50 more emails come and the email invitation is buried a page or two back.</p>

<p>I’m not saying any of this is an excuse, but I will say it takes a lot more effort to both respond to an invitation and to remember it these days. </p>

<p>I imagine the text invitations of our kids are even harder to keep track of.</p>

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<p>We host a lot of events at work, and getting people to RSVP is like pulling teeth. We expect some no-shows, but we have an annual sit-down dinner where EVERY year people who didn’t RSVP show up. As a matter of routine we now have an extra table with no one assigned to sit there, and that’s where we put the people who come without RSVPing.</p>

<p>As for no-showing to a WEDDING with a written RSVP card? That should only happen if you’re seriously sick. </p>

<p>I do think FB is part of the problem. When someone - especially a teen - puts an event on FB and invites a ton of friends, some kids feel obligated to respond “yes” or at least “maybe” so they look supportive. If they really can’t go, they’ll respond “no” and leave a comment with the reason. (Sorry, I have to work that day!) My daughter told me that she felt rude responding No unless she had a legit excuse. So kids either don’t respond at all or respond Maybe. I think this does not bode well for them as adults understanding the rules of society, politeness and RSVPing. And it doesn’t excuse adults over 30 who didn’t grow up with FB and should know better.</p>

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<p>I agree that the electronic have made the difference. Too bad having electronic calendars hasn’t helped accordingly. </p>

<p>It’s not just the ones invited who are culprits too. My close friend is ready to go nuts because her future DIL and family are so casual about an upcoming wedding. A lot of out of town guests on my friends’ side of the family are expected to come, and they need notice and some help, and everything is last minute with this wedding. She’s scared that they will simply postpone if if they can’t get it all together in time. She’s found with her kids who are in their 30s that they are overly casual about commitments.</p>

<p>I’ve always rode herd o nmy kids about these things, and they seem to be better than their friends about planning ahead, but that’s not saying much. </p>

<p>A lot of these folks can’t even plan their own parents’ funerals, and I am not kidding about this. Sad. Scary.</p>

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<p>*I had to take over the most pathetic pot luck ever. Back in the day we NEVER, EVER, EVER had too little food. Always way too much. So it was a shock that too few people brought offerings, and most everything was paltry and store/restaranut bought. *</p>

<p>Yep…we noticed this at church potlucks in Calif. We would run out of food when there were still people in line. Families of 6 were bringing some small item. No one was “doing the math” that if their family of 6 was filling up 6 big plates full of food then they needed to bring at least the equivalent quantity of 6 plates full of food. Our church’s only way to solve this was to provide the main dish (like lasagne) and ask everyone to just bring side dishes & desserts.</p>

<p>A lot of these folks can’t even plan their own parents’ funerals, and I am not kidding about this. Sad. Scary.</p>

<p>Oh my…have you met my H’s family? When FIL died, they could NOT plan the funeral. No, no way, no how. lol Seriously. He died in February and (you’re not going to believe this) they finally had the (simple) service at the end of JUNE! The previous attempts fell thru when they literally couldn’t get their acts together. In the end, there were no guests there. Just MIL, siblings, spouses, and grandkids.</p>

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<p>I am kind of surprised with so many no shows. Both of my kids throw parties on their own now and I don’t hear much about no shows. As far as my friends are concerned, we always show up at each other’s parties. If there is an cancellation, it’s usually days before, I don’t remember a last minute cancellation. We used to have more cancellations when our kids were little due to illness or babysitter no show. I think I would stop inviting some of those “looking for better options” people. I know a friend of mine used to have an A, B guest list. She would invite list A first then back fill with list B depending on the list A response.</p>

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<p>That’s what my friends and I do in practice. However, in our experiences, they are the great minority of no shows or last minute cancellations. Those are folks who tend to be dubbed “flakes”.</p>

<p>Most of the no shows or last minute cancellations in our experiences has been because of work-related reasons. Especially getting a call ordering them back to the office on an evening/early morning or a weekend right before or during the event in question. </p>

<p>One possible reason why it’s less done in other regions of the country is the greater understanding of work/life boundaries between employer and employee. Even within the NE, I’ve noticed this boundary is observed more seriously among employers in the Boston area than their NYC counterparts.</p>

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<p>My 20-something son complained to me last year about the New Year’s Eve party he was hosting. Naturally, that’s a big party night, so the rule of avoiding competing events is definitely being violated. All the same, he didn’t really care all that much if they said yes or no–he just needed to know to plan for food and drink. He e-mailed invited guests again, and even called everyone the day before, and even then still couldn’t get firm commitments. He was pretty irritated and almost cancelled it. Ultimately, a small group did come, but he wasn’t feeling very popular.</p>

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<p>My D refused to have a graduation season party because she feared a poor turnout - and she had many friends. The problem seems to be the constant social networking. With little planning or warning, gatherings become Facebooked, twitted, whatever, and everyone "shares’ to their friends too. </p>

<p>Plans can change in an instant. It has actually resulted in some nasty flash mobs in our town - they had to cancel the town sponsored fireworks this year, because last year almost 1000 teens suddenly turned up in a field near the fireworks, and violence broke out.</p>

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<p>My friends always do similar things. I will invite a friend or group of friends do something and some will be like yeah I can come and then the day before when I check in on timing they say let me go confirm with my mom and get back to you. Then they never get back to me so at like ten the night before I text them to check in and they are like my mom said I must clean the house so I can’t go. Oh really is that the case? I know it Ian t since the next day you will tell me how you went out to lunch. </p>

<p>Another thing that would happen would be my friends would play the my mom won’t drive me over card. Yeah this is annoying and beyond your control but sometimes I would volunteer to pick them up and drop them back off at home. Still no luck.</p>

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<p>In my experience, the people who cannot seem to RSVP are those who never extend invitations. They never entertain, so they have no idea of the cost and commitment involved for those who are entertaining.</p>

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<p>I lived/worked in NYC area for 30 years. There were very few occasions when I had to miss a party or planned family event because of work. A well run organization has redundancy and business continuity in place without single point of failure. Cobrat - if you or friends need to cancel last minute because of work, you need think about contingency. </p>

<p>One of my favorite interview questions is, “If you have a mission critical project due on Mon, and you also planned a special birthday party for your best friend (spouse, kid, parent…) Fri night, what would you do?” I get a lot of “Work is always my first priority. My friends would understand if I couldn’t come. You can trust me that the project would be done on schedule.” Most of them are surprised when I tell them that their commitments to their loved ones are just as important as to work.</p>

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<p>In my experience, the people who cannot seem to RSVP are those who never extend invitations. They never entertain, so they have no idea of the cost and commitment involved for those who are entertaining.</p>

<p>Well, I think this is somewhat true and ties in with what my experience has been with my H. He has no clue as to how hard it is to plan/prepare for an event, therefore he does sometimes want to be flakey and cancel. And, he didn’t understand why I was soooo upset when his uncle called a few minutes before they were supposed to arrive for dinner and cancelled (too tired from golfing). I was livid. I had shopped the night before (after work), cleaned the house for guests (you know that extra cleaning that you do for company!), and cooked an extensive meal…appetizers, dinner, dessert. Not only was this all time-consuming, but it was expensive (we were newly married at the time and blowing a bunch of money on a meal was a big deal). In hindsight, I realized that H and likely his uncle had NO CLUE about any of this so they didn’t “get it”. H had gone golfing with his uncle so H never saw all the effort. My parents came to my rescue and ate the meal. My parents were appalled at H’s uncle’s cancellation. I NEVER invited H’s uncle and aunt to our home again. NEVER.</p>