is it normal for parents to take it personal if you want to go 2 college outta state?

Parents Forum
#1

<p>both my parents are FREAKING OUT becuase i just recently told them that i would like to go to college out of ohio. trust me....its really doesnt deserve to be the "heart of it all". they think that i am doing it solely becuase i wanna get away from them, but the truth is that in places like florida there are more jobs available for what i wanna be(a physical therapist) then in ohio so i might as well jst go down there now.</p>

<p>is it noraml for them to freak like that? and does anyone have any suggestions?</p>

#2

<p>Sounds like your parents love you very much, are rather insecure, and somehow fear that you're running away from them. Perhaps telling them often and in detail how much you love and appreciate them, and will miss them when you're in college, will help keep them from viewing your idea as your trying to escape them. They also may be realizing that going to college so far away from home means they won't be seeing that much of you.</p>

<p>Every time my husband and I took a vacation that didn't involve visiting her, my mom took it personally. When we did visit her, she always complained that we didn't stay long enough. It wasn't until I was middle aged and she had passed away that I realized that my mom's complaints were her way of telling me that she loved me and missed me. I wish that I had had that awareness when she was still alive so I could have reacted toward her the way that I suggst that you respond to your parents.</p>

#3

<p>when i applied to colleges out of state, my parents freaked out too. they said that i didn't want to be around my family and stuff. but when the acceptances came, they cooled off a little.</p>

<p>ps, i live in ohio too.</p>

#4

<p>Maybe your parents are anticipating a few things that occur when Jr. goes out of state:</p>

<ul>
<li><p>cost of transportation to/from increases by huge amount, especially when you anticipate 1000+ miles several times/year. </p></li>
<li><p>maybe they are insecure and feel you disapprove of where you were brought up or the circumstances in which they live.</p></li>
<li><p>maybe they anticpated you going to Youngstown St. and not Rollins Col and now they are afraid to tell you they can't afford it.</p></li>
<li><p>maybe they know they'll be heartbroken to see so little of you, now that you are finally getting grown up!</p></li>
</ul>

<p>Try to relax and let them see you are thinking about your future - that there hasn't been any ink on the dotted line, yet. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

#5

<p>Can your parents afford the extra money that an out of state education would cost? Even with merit aid and need-based aid, it's likely that your most affordable option would be a relatively close public university.</p>

#6

<p>There is loving you kids and then there is smothering them, making them feel bad for having ideas that are different than your own</p>

<p>making a kid feel guilty for wanting to explore, to venture out, to not spend their lives with you is not love</p>

<p>do they think that if you stay in Ohio, that you will see them all the time...you can be 3 hours from home and not see them anymore than if you are in Florida</p>

<p>ask them if when you are in college, what they will want from you visit wise, do they expect you to go home every weekend? if so, your problem is bigger than Florida and needs to be addressed</p>

<p>I know kids who go to school an hour and a half from home, and aren't home very often, and when they do go home, they are working, with friends, etc. all normal and expected</p>

<p>you need to gently get more clarity about what they expect when you go to college if it was instate</p>

#7

<p>There are many jobs for physical therapists. You don't have to go to school in Florida to get a PT job tbere after graduation.</p>

#8

<p>It is more than just the work, lots of reasons to want to go out of state....and the OP needs to be sure that no matter where they go, mom doesn't have unreasonable expectations as to how often college student will go home, etc....and to freak out because the child is growing up is not normal if they express an interest to go out of state or further away</p>

<p>and, what is wrong with a college kid wantind some space and time away from mom and dad?</p>

<p>its gonna happen</p>

#9

<p>CGM,
There's nothing wrong with a kid's wanting space from parents. However, even in a state Ohio's size, one can get that space in state. </p>

<p>From the OP's other posts, I notice that she has had weak grades. Perhaps that, too, is a reason the parents want the OP nearby. Another reason could be, as I suggesed, concerns about the extra costs of sending a student far out of state.</p>

<p>I'd be interested in hearing the OP's parents' side.</p>

<p>Also, wanting to go to college in Fla. because there are lots of PT jobs there doesn't seem like a valid reason because most students change their majors once or twice, and PT is one of the fastest growing fields. There are plenty of jobs PT jobs available throughout the U.S.</p>

#10

<p>hmmm Ohio is like a black hole. almost everyone i went to high school with went to colleges either in ohio or in eastern kentucky (right near where we all live). i'm the only one of my friends to go out of state. i completely understands the OP's desire to leave!</p>

#11

<p>I can understand the parents, because my H felt the same about our D. She is an average student, and he didn't see any reason to spend twice the amount just to send her OOS, when she was also accepted in state 6 hrs away from us and could be totally independent there. Next month, she'll be going to school OOS, but if the money were tight, it wouldn't be the case.</p>

#12

<p>My D won't even apply to in-state schools. Her argument is that she wants to "try something completely different" while in college, so she's enthusiastically looking at schools in large cities. She's an only child, and I'll miss her like crazy when she leaves. </p>

<p>I can see where the OP's parents might "freak out" for all kinds of reasons - both personal and financial. Give them time to get used to the idea, hannahms, and try to be rational when discussing it with them. Time and logic can work wonders.</p>

#13

<p>My S went to a state school OOS. Seemed like a waste of money as well as time and energy for transportation, when we have many closer state and reciprocal schools with wonderful programs. The ex's family believes in 'striking out on your own' and the ex was adament about him going far away. S wanted to go away, found a university that was a very good place for him in a wonderful city. Was it worth the thousands upon thousands, as well as debt to give him this experience? No way. Were it a school with a very good specific program that he wanted, I'd feel differently. If money were not an issue, I'd say 'go for it.' </p>

<p>Seeing other parts of the country and world can be done through summer jobs in school, semesters abroad, jobs after graduation, volunteer work, etc. Getting some distance from home in your state shouldn't be difficult, though it sounds as if you dream of beaches and sun and a totally different lifestyle than you now live. In time...if you could get there in the summer, make contacts, see different parts of Florida during your summers perhaps that would help you figure out where you want to live. One idea is to get nursing assistant training, and go work in various Florida hospitals in the summer. Good experience for the PT school resume. Though I'd bet you'd find pay better in Ohio. </p>

<p>Families vary on needs and expectations for closeness. I wouldn't put down a family for wanting that, though if you long for independence, there may be a difficult time as you find your own level of balance with how close you want to be. It is very easy for parents to feel rejected at this point in your life. Being extra reassuring and conversational in this process might ease the way for you.</p>

#14

<p>After considering this question for a day or two, I wondered: couldn't the OP make an agreement with mom & dad that s/he will go to in-state school 2 years. Provided grades high, no trouble, etc., then OP could transfer to school of choice. Then there is always the ol' parental fallback: do what you want, but we're not paying. That always helps my children figure out what exactly they want.</p>

#15

<p>THe OP also could offer to take out loans and work to pay the difference between staying instate and going away to school. If going to Fla. is that important to her, she should be willing to pick up the extra costs. Her offering to do this -- and following through on it -- would help her parents believe that she's truly interested in getting a college education, not having fun in the sun in a state known for spring break revalry.</p>

#16

<p>As others have mentioned.....What are the reasons your parents don't want you out of state? </p>

<p>Is it financial or just that they will miss you and want you around?</p>

<p>My s went oos, about a 3 hour plane ride. I was fine with it since I thought it was best for him. Your parents need to consider what is best for you and not what is best for them. If your dream is to go oos, then you should unless financials are their main concern. </p>

<p>College is a time to spread your wings and find out more about yourself. I hope your parents come to realize this and even though it isn't easy, let go enough to give you the space to fly.</p>

<p>BTW, the fact that they want you around is a testament to the fact that they do love you very much, so you should be flattered regardless.</p>

#17

<p>I know a good number of ppl who are motivated to get into a reputable college out of state to flee their parents, so their fear/assumption is not unreasonable. We have a pretty good instate university, but as it is too close to home, many are resolute on trying their best to get into a college oos that is good enough for their parents to let them go.</p>

#18

<p>As we give advice, it can be helpful to know that the OP has posted elsewhere that she's just a rising junior, and has B and C grades. </p>

<p>Consequently, it's too early for her to get into a battle with her parents about where they'd allow her to go to college. Now, however, would be a good time for her to bring those grades up (which she has indicated is her plan), and to show her parents that she has the maturity to do well even if she goes far away to college.</p>

<p>If she's serious about physical therapy, it also would be important for her to get excellent grades in her math and science courses, and to take a rigorous curriculum in those subjects. In additon, she should research what kind of work physical therapists do (such as by shadowing a physical therapist), and what she can do to have the best chances of gaining entrance into a physical therapy program.</p>

<p>I know that on the campus where I used to teach, the physical therapy program was one of the hardest majors to gain entrance to. I think only about 40 students were allowed to be in the major, so the competition was very stiff. I think that's the norm because of the practicums and internships that major requires.</p>

<p>The physical therapists I know have been very organized and self disciplined, and have had excellent skills in math and science.</p>

#19

<p>I agree with NOrthstarmom that the thing to do now is focus on doing well in high school and not fighting at home over instate vs. out-of-state, not now.</p>

<p>I only want to comment on the issue of costs to go far away to college. Parents are often NOT used to airplanes and see those distances and freak. But air travel works differently than car, shrinking the time and distance dramatically. To drive to Florida takes your family days and motels overnight, but for you to fly is a matter of hours and can be gotten at a discount.</p>

<p>The cost of flights is based on the marketplace, supply-and-demand to desirable destinations. Students can hawk the websites for cheap discount fares ordered up in advance, since vacation dates are known in advance. Florida is an extremely popular flight destination all across the cold North and Midwest. If "far" is what you want, Florida could be a cheaper destination than, say, Denver, even if the miles from Ohio are similar. Ohio has 5 medium sized cities (rather than one enormous city) so there are good airports in 5 corners of that state. </p>

<p>I challenge the OP to "do the math" for her parents, by running a cost-comparison between a car trip to a nearby school and a plane trip to Florida. </p>

<p>Details: Go onto "expedia.com" or "kayak.com" and figure out how to cost out a trip from the nearest Ohio airport to a few Florida destinations. Try out some different dates, and see how the fares differ a lot based on their dates. The season of most expensive travel, unfortunately, is Thanksgiving and CHristmas. But try to cost out a roundtrip "best fare" for these sample dates in the coming year:
September 1, November 27, December 20, March 15, May 15, just to get a sampling. </p>

<p>Add onto the plane trip, an estimate for ground transportation from the airport to the college. Some schools have free shuttles, but often you have to take some kind of cab or group limo until you know friends with cars to pick you up from airports. So figure another $50-75 just to get yourself from airport to dorm. This will improve with time, as kids do ride-shares and so on to airports around vacation times. </p>

<p>My S wanted to go further than we wanted him to, but it was for a very specialized program in California. Once I costed out the planes, I realized that with effort, I could fly him out there for the same money as I spend to fly instate to NYC. That got me over my biggest objection to California. It was more affordable than I thought at first. But, I was already used to two kids being away from home, at colleges 4-8 hours drive from home, so I'd gone through all the emotional hoops with them. It became a matter of cost differential, only.</p>

<p>Cost out a round-trip car drive to some instate school or near-state school that your parents approve of. Determine # of miles, multiply by gasoline at $3.00/per gallon and multiply that by how many miles your car can get on the highway at a steady rate of 65 mph. Then add on something for wear-and-tear on the car itself. The government gives a big allowance for that, but try 25cents per mile as an add-on, coming and going by car to the nearer college.</p>

<p>Remember to cost out the parents' car drive to the Ohio airport, roundtrip from the house.</p>

<p>Then DON"T show any of this to your folks. At this moment, the data will only start a fight. Just keep it in your mind for now. </p>

<p>It'll take your folks a while to become supportive of you leaving far from home. The first way, as NOrthstarmom suggested, is to bring up your grades so you'll earn more respect from them that they can trust you far away. You're ahead of yourself here.</p>

#20

<p>"I only want to comment on the issue of costs to go far away to college. Parents are often NOT used to airplanes and see those distances and freak. But air travel works differently than car, shrinking the time and distance dramatically. To drive to Florida takes your family days and motels overnight, but for you to fly is a matter of hours and can be gotten at a discount."</p>

<p>However, if she goes to college that far away, depending on the parents' income and work schedules, it could be difficult or impossible for them to drive her and her belongings to college and participate in orientation activities (which now usually include activities for parents0.</p>

<p>If the colleges require incoming students to do a summer orientation well before school starts, that would be an additional cost and inconvenience.</p>

<p>Summer and times like Thanksgiving and Christmas are high seasons for people to be traveling to Florida, so it's likely airfares she will not be able to snag a low cost airfare.</p>

<p>Also, Florida is a hurricane state, and some campuses close when there are hurricanes. Students then go home. Would her parents be able to afford the extra cost of getting a last minute ticket to get her home? Would she have made friends quickly enough to be able to go home with them fall of her freshman year if a hurricane strikes then?</p>

<p>Many students who travel a distance away to college can only afford to go home for Christmas and the end of the school year. Would she be OK with that even if she had to stay on campus because her friends lived too far away for her to stay with them?</p>

<p>If she gets the grades and scores to be able to get excellent merit aid, that may sway her parents to her side, especially if she has also demonstrated a lot of maturity and good decision making in her personal life.</p>