I am currently a sophomore at a new university that I don’t want to name because I want to keep anonymity. I transferred here this year because I really could not stand my old college, and I love it here so far. However, despite this fact, I find myself often feeling “trapped” living on campus instead of feeling like I have “freedom” from home. During the day I am perfectly fine, but as it gets to be nighttime, especially in this cold weather, I start to feel trapped here. My college is in a city that is great to explore, but I don’t have the money to go there all too often, and I do not have a car here since there is truly no need for one. At home, I also had a job and did many different things outside of school. Here, I am involved in a lot of things and am going on a trip to see a movie tonight with one of the clubs I’m in, which will hopefully help me feel better, but the nights are always like this. Sometimes it’s worse on weekend nights than on weeknights because I know I don’t “have to” be on campus since I have no classes. I enjoy my experience here, but I do often feel trapped like this and slightly homesick whenever it gets to be nighttime. Obviously during the week I never leave the campus and stay within the same few buildings, and even on weekends, I cannot afford to go out away from campus all the time. My college is roughly 45 mins from my hometown, but my parents do not want me to commute due to traffic. And I really, genuinely like the school. I just have this unexplained “feeling” of being trapped here at night and (very rarely) sometimes during the day. It happened at my old school as well, but I did not like my old school for different reasons that do not exist here (I’m saying I really like my new school). When I get off campus, I do feel better, but I often wish I was going home after my activities rather than back to my dorm, especially on a Friday or Saturday night when I could be home because I don’t have any classes the next day. I only go home one weekend a month and it generally holds me over, but I feel like for whatever reason I had so much more structure and freedom at home, especially on the weekends. I had a part-time job, I went to school, I had a bunch of aunts/uncles/cousins and my grandparents 15 minutes away, and of course I had my own bedroom in a house as opposed to a suite (my suite mates from previous posts have only gotten worse and the RA is now involved). Up until about an hour ago, I was fine, and I don’t feel any of this when I am in class, but at night, it just hits me. During the day I am almost always fine, and there does not seem to be any way to fix this. I am probably living off campus next year, which I believe will help, especially since I may be allowed to bring my car, but for the rest of this semester I want this feeling to disappear. And believe me, I know I picked the right school in a great location, but I cannot help having these “trapped, claustrophobic” feelings living on campus, which would happen ANYWHERE I went. I originally wanted to commute before I even went to my old college, and I still would now if it was an option, but I know that it isn’t, so I just need to get rid of these feelings. I have plenty of friends here, my social life is fine, but this is just an unexplained phenomenon. I don’t want to go home every weekend either if I can help it; if I did that, I might as well just commute. My best friend who lives at home invited me to a party tomorrow and I said no even though I wanted to go because I thought I should not go home this weekend. Serious, respectful advice only please.
I think the nights can be particularly lonely if you have a lot of time on your hands and not a lot of ways to keep yourself occupied (i.e. you aren’t spending every waking moment studying). It’s easy to get too inside of your head, if you know what I mean. You may benefit from trying to add more structure to your weekends so that staying there feels more purposeful and less like “doing time” until classes on Monday. That could include: scheduled exercise; part-time job/volunteer/research on or near campus; clubs that meet on weekends. I’ve known kids who lived less than an hour from school and were going home every weekend. It doesn’t make for a very fulfilling college experience because a lot can happen on a campus on the weekend - you tend to feel more connected when you spend more time making school your home. I think you can make it through one more semester and see how it goes next year when you have a car.
I am curious as to what it was about your previous school that you did not like. It may give you some insight into why you are feeling they way you are now. I don’t want to undermine your belief in your current school being a good fit, but maybe living away from home just isn’t for you right now. Lots of people struggle with it, especially if you have family/friends you are very close to.
I think you should go home as often as your parents will tolerate it and commute if they will allow it. Your readiness to be away may come later. I wanted my child to go away for entire summers in high school but she wasn’t ready yet and I had to accept that even though it meant she missed out on some incredible experiences.
I would suggest a people-involved part-time job if you can manage one. We had front desk area at our dorms that made them great places to work and gave student workers a opportunity to meet many people. Also maybe look into evening activities on campus such as free movies or star-gazing.
I am very close to my family and friends from home. I have just returned from the movies and feel a lot better and happy, but weeknights can also get lonely. My old school was too small for me and did not have my major, which is why I transferred. And when I am home, I work on the weekends, but at college my weekends are purely 2 days off, so it probably puts me in a funk not to be working on weekends (even though I should enjoy not having to). I also have suitemates that yell and scream until around 4am on weekends, so going back to the suite also makes me anxious knowing that I will be dealing with that. They are gone right now though so it’s peaceful for now.
I would also suggest joining some clubs or participating in an activity that you like. What kind of ECs did you do during high school? Do similar activities exist at your college? Or take up some new activities – audition for a play, try out for a club sport, etc. That’s where you’ll find your tribe, so to speak.
My parents wanted me away no matter what @nw2this . And I do like living here overall. My school is in a very interesting area with plenty of nightlife, etc, but I get these waves of feeling a void that I’m not home with my family, friends and even my car, as superficial as that is. And commuting is not an option for me since I do not pay my tuition and can not afford to, so I have no say.
I am involved in a lot of activities, such as the hiking club, and do have a solid group of friends that I hang out with regularly. It is mostly when I’m alone with my thoughts that I get so homesick and feel trapped, but it occasionally does happen during social outings as well.
Your car is your freedom. Get you car, even if you have to keep it a mile away. You’ll then have the option of doing what you want, when you want. Sometime just going for a drive, listening to music does wonders. Good luck.
In some ways you don’t have the same flexibility and freedom as you do at home (own room, own car, own job, own people due to proximity of family and friends). Maybe living on campus just isn’t for you. The feeling you have is homesickness. The positive side of homesickness is that it means you are loved. If you decide to stay on campus, try reframe your thinking. Accept that you miss home and that’s normal and okay. Campus life can’t really replace home, nor would you want it to. Acceptance might help you cope better for the next 2 + years. Or decide to stick it out for the semester (unless things are still refundable) then plan to commute for the next couple of years.
Form a group of friends to go out at night. You can carpool, or take uber/lyft together to minimize cost.
Going out with friends at night or on weekends was my favorite thing in college. You feel lonely, trapped when you are alone.
Also, nothing is wrong if you go home on the weekends. Why do you make it hard for yourself?
@NorthernMom61 my dad always said that if I wanted to commute, I might as well transfer to the 4 year college 15 mins from my house in the next town over instead of staying at my school, which is stupid, since I love my school itself and my friends here, but I just do not feel that campus life is the same as home life, like you said. I’m hoping living off campus next year (which is not going to happen unless my friend and I find another roommate to really make it cheaper than living on campus) will help, especially if I have a car.
@coolweather I’ve said over and over that I do have a solid group of friends here that I do go out with. That doesn’t change me liking home more though, and even if I lived home, the places we hang out are just as easy to get to from my house as from campus.
Think this way: in two and a half years you will graduate from college and take a job far from home. You will not be at home forever. Sooner or later you have to leave the nest. It’s not normal to feel homesick after one and half years in college. You should try to deal with it now.
@coolweather actually no, I plan on working as close to home as possible, unless of course I have no other choice. And I think it would be different after college because I’d have a new “home” as opposed to a dorm. I plan on living as close to my family as possible, albeit on my own, barring extenuating circumstances.
Will your parents allow you to come home on weekends?
@beachguy20 sounds like your plan to move off campus and bring your car to college is a good one. Work hard on finding that third roommate and a suitable apartment ASAP. This may help you get through the next three to four months more positively. Also, stay on top of your academics because at the end of the day that’s what keeps options open.
@NorthernMom61 I agree. It’s a good middle ground. My family does a lot of things on the weekends, such as going to lunch, watching football, etc, which is mostly what bothers me about being away and having no access to them besides a 2 hour train, so hopefully that works out. My parents have mentioned in passing that if I decided to come home they would be disappointed but would get over it, but they later fell back on that because of the supposedly “miserable commute” I would have to class. It’s only 40 mins by car, but since they’re paying everything, there isn’t much I can do.
I can tell that you respect your parents and know that they believe they are guiding you to the best choice for your future. I am sure that they miss you too. It’s hard to see your kid be unhappy about something, but one of their jobs is to let you struggle with it and find your solution. Good luck finding an apartment and roommate!