I have a close friend in college whom I cook with fairly often. He invites me to his house to cook whatever pops into our mind, eat it, and talk about random stuff for fun.
Now, this is what bothers me the most. Whenever I cook something, he says it’s great and tasty, but gives all the leftover to me. I thought he was being nice at first, but over the time I started to think he may not like what I make. I told him often that you don’t have to eat what I make if it’s not good for you, or that you can suggest what you want because I don’t want to push him with what I want, but he always says he likes my food. Today, we made snickerdoodles. He say he likes it, but then he gave me all of the leftover.
Is it normal at all? I feel like I am basically being fed by him because he gives me all the remaining food, and I both feel bad and a bit insulted.
Or he may love your company and love food but feel that if it’s in the house, he will eat it all. Some people manage their food intake by managing their access to it.
Or he simply may not eat much at home and feel it’ll go to waste.
I’d tell him it makes you feel bad and like your relationship is uneven and hear him out. It’s probably not what you think. People’s relationships with food can be very individual (and odd).
If he is eating what you make while you are at his house, I wouldn’t worry about it. If you consistently see he is not eating much of what you prepare, that might be a different story . Unless he is not even eating any of your food when you are together, I’d be inclined to let it go. And enjoy the leftovers!
If you have paid for and prepared the food, he may feel you deserve the leftovers. Does he keep the food when he pays for and prepares the ingredients?
I do not like left over food and I rarely take doggie bag home. Your friend may like your company and your food, but just doesn’t like left over food. If your friend didn’t like your food, he/she wouldn’t have you over so often. Maybe make a smaller portion in the future.
I feel the same way @paul2752! I just hate it when someone gives me my food to take back home - I always keep what people bring over to my house even though 99% of the time I throw it out without eating any more of it, lol!
Yes, some people don’t like leftovers. Me, I love them – why would I want to cook again? I hate it when I cook and there AREN’T leftovers. Sometimes when I’m at someone’s place we’ll split the food (I’ll leave them some and take some home). But I wouldn’t worry about it. If you cooked it, you probably liked it. So then you don’t have to cook tomorrow.
But snickerdoodles aren’t really leftovers, are they? They are just cookies and they don’t need to be refrigerated. Maybe he does have strange food issues and doesn’t want tasty food around.
Could you say to him, “I feel a little funny always taking back the extra food. Are you sure you don’t want any?” He may feel the polite answer is to always give it all to you. Could he just be super polite?
I remember reading in one Amy Tan book about a food exchange between a young woman who was offered a ride by a farmer in his cart, and the farmer. She had nothing with her and he offered to share his lunch. She politely refused. He offered again. She refused again. He didn’t offer again and she was distraught (“he only offered twice! What was I to do?”).
Normal. Ask him why he does it. Then you will understand or further discussion should clear things up. Friends can ask friends a lot they would not ask others.
In our house of two I make plenty of a dish that gets frozen in portions and we get to have some meals without cooking again! Son dislikes leftovers but either you predict exactly how much food to make or waste it- or don’t cook the times you would eat the leftovers when he visits.
@paul2752 Maybe he is a Journey guy not a Destination guy. Maybe you could relax and enjoy your time together. He sounds fun. Or make less realizing it’s about the moment.
Ask him why. Maybe he is, or thinks he is, better off financially, and that you need the food more than he does. Or maybe he comes from a family where everyone takes home what they brought. That’s how H’s family operates, though if there’s extra, the host is offered some to keep. You’ll never know unless you ask, but it’s probably not intended to be insulting.
Well, it’s not just snickerdoodles. It’s just everythig we make be it fried chicken, cookies, pies, etc etc. It distraughts me especially because he is one of very few guy friends ( I am a guy as many of you know) who can and does cook.
Now that i think of it, he does offer thing he makes on his own too. Guess I might be too worried.Thanks for all your insights!
@greenwitch I am familiar with that kind of story. I m not sure if it’s the same case now, but apparently when there are guests, the hosts should offer food 3 times, while the guest should wait until the 3rd offer?
“apparently when there are guests, the hosts should offer food 3 times, while the guest should wait until the 3rd offer?”
So much varies on local, country, and ethnic culture. I can’t even imagine offering 3 times. Maybe occasionally twice, usually once along with an offer to make yourself at home and feel free to help yourself to anything in the fridge or pantry. Offering 3 times seems so pushy to me. Folks might not want to eat for so many personal reasons. I don’t want them to feel pressured. Plus, with so many issues with body and food issues, and eating disorders, there shouldn’t be anxiety or expectations around food, IMO.
I have a friend who does this and it drives me nuts. I will bring a dish and there are two
20 year olds in the family and just H and myself. I do know that they think I am an amazing
cook and eat with relish. My friend will absolutely insist that we take the left overs home even when
it makes no sense. Thanksgiving I finally took a stand and she accepted one casserole.
I believe it is a cultural thing. Her H and kids are dismayed when she refuses to keep the leftovers.
I forgot to mention that it was supposed to be french culture.(I swear I wrote it but apparently my eyes trick me all the darn time).
@oregon101 In Korea, if you made food and returned it, it would be EXTREMELY RUDE. I know I am in America, but some Korean cultural things still remain in me.
And even if it IS cultural thing, I would still keep some of left overs for practical reasons.
Good point about it being cultural. I have been tripped up by new cultural food rules in which you are supposed to play that refuse/offer game. But your friend’s behavior is likely normal. When people bring me food and some is left, I offer to split it, but my vehemence depends on whether I am going to be alone in the house or not. If I will be alone, I know much to will go to waste. Unless it is dessert. I do eat all the dessert.
As a guy (and a cook) myself, I’m going to recommend you just talk to him about it. It’s not a big deal, especially for somebody you hang out with shooting the breeze all the time. I like to think I’m pretty representative of the typical guy, and most everything dealing with social interactions is open for conversation between friends.
I’ll even share a secret from the guy code manual for bringing up something serious: open the conversation with the word “dude” or “yo” or “hey” or something similar. In guy code that means, “I love you as a friend and what I’m about to say is totally not a big deal but listen to me seriously for a minute”. [/end joking side commentary]
And while we’re here I might as well share my own story. A friend of W’s was had a small pot-luck gathering. I made a batch of Momofuku corn cookies - those are some seriously awesome cookies. Anyway, there were a bunch left over and it really, really hurt me to leave them behind (I was picturing these two empty nesters throwing a dozen leftover cookies in the trash). I kept hoping the host/hostess would tell us to take them home but no such luck. Anyway, a few days later the hostess ran into W and the first words out her mouth were “We need more cookies!” Turned out they hadn’t tried them at the party, but the next day finally tried them and polished them all off.
