I started this last year, thought it was helpful, cathartic, trauma bonding… all the things!
This year, I was proactive. I asked both of my kids early, maybe in February to try and pick a weekend in December that I could rent an Airbnb in between where they live to get together for the holidays. This seemed to work better, with 4 demanding careers, call weekends and general business. Also my sil needs to set his schedule and PTO up 6 months in advance.
I asked each to take one day of PTO.
I rented an Airbnb, bought tickets for an activity. Seems right now that it’s going smoothly. I didn’t ask for Christmas week, I didn’t ask for new years. A random weekend in early December.
My husband and I will probably spend thanksgiving and Christmas with his mother, our only parent who is still with us. Local is moving in with his girlfriend and that seems to be upsetting her Apple cart but it is what it is.
What are your plans? Feel free to whine, complain, commiserate. If your plans are perfect, great for you but understand that for many the holidays are full of lots of emotions and to be able to be empathetic to that.
My husband lost his dad and I lost my mom this past year so our emotions are going to be all over the place.
I sure hope December works well for you this year, but since it’s just a random one, I’m sure it will. I’m so over the actual day. I’m sorry about the loss of your Mom! That’s a tough one for sure. Hugs to you.
We have no plans yet, I think it’s because my head is in the sand. I don’t want to think about it. I’ve had my sister and her family the past 2 years for TG, which we all enjoy. But she is estranged from our brother, who has a multitude of weird issues. I feel guilty not inviting him up this year because he’s estranged from his adult children and has no one. But, I’m not cooking just for him. I would invite DH’s brother/wife but he has his own kids and grandkids now. Ugh
The one thing I believe I’m changing and will get pushback is the Christmas tree. I’m sick of putting it up and I have to move my easy chair out of the way for the entire month. I’m thinking of using that as my excuse this year because of my painful foot and buying a pre-lit skinny tree to just put in a corner. DH is like a little kid when it comes to all this.
This would be my post, too. I dread hauling out the Christmas crap, but DH… (see quote). Any holiday without our son is just another day to me, and it doesn’t look like we’ll have him/DIL for any of the holidays this year, so I’ll just be sorting my sock drawer.
One of our kids lives far away, and he always has work on Christmas and Christmas Eve. The other kid and spouse have jobs that don’t shut down on holidays. They often don’t have the same day of a holiday weekend off.
So…this year, the far away kid will be where we live in November. I think we will just roll all the holidays and his birthday into one event.
We celebrate Christmas whenever the local kid and husband both have the day off sometime around the actual holiday, but usually not on the holiday. Which is fine with us.
Decorations? We have tons, and we use less and less every year.
First year as empty nesters…kids both coming home for a week for TG. I am not really in the mood to even start thinking about it. Usually my sister and nephew come. He is a senior in HS. We keep it pretty low-key. Last year both TG and Hanukkah/Christmas were a mess because I had to go overseas emergently in early November to essentially rescue my destitute mother with signs of dementia (really long and painful story). Got back right before TG, then sister flew to mom’s country to pack her up and send her off to a dementia care center in a new country. I am still healing and with the holidays fast approaching have been feeling that lump in my throat and pit in my stomach as all the memories are flooding back. At this point, looking forward to seeing both kids, will continue with our small TG tradition of going to the HS rival football game TG morning, our meal will be dinner, then kids return again mid-December for 3 weeks for Holidays. We stay home and everyone just does what they want- exactly how I wanted it to be after a childhood of being bounced back and forth between parents, never waking up in my own house Christmas morning, etc. Yikes this is a depressing post- sorry. I am not really a fan of the fall/winter holidays
This will be our first year in awhile that all 4 kids will be with us for Xmas. I’m excited about this. However, whenever we don’t have kids with us, FDIL2’s family adopts us and insists we see them in MA. So, thanksgiving this year we will go there assuming flights go off on schedule. BTW - our flight from NC-MA was more expensive than our flight from NC-AK in a few months!
Anyhow, I felt bad that they would be without FDIL2 for Xmas and that we never reciprocate, so we invited them down here for Xmas. However, I volunteered to put them up in an Airbnb. They insisted on paying for it. I’d love to have them next door, but it’s a little too big (5 BR) and too $$$ for them. But there are several smaller and cheaper within 0.5 mile from us. I have enough space to sleep, but only 1 working shower. 6 people is OK. but we may have up to 11. FDIL2’s stepdad LOVES to cook, and they all do a lot of cooking, so they will happily have their own kitchen to make stuff… because let’s face it - I don’t cook. They know this. But we will all be together.
But how many of them are coming, for how long, is still up in the air. I’m guessing it will be until a week or 2 before. It could be 2 people, it could be 4, or even 5. 2 are definitely coming by car. the others I’m not sure. I would guess flying, so I’d be (happily) picking them up from the airport 90 min away. They also mentioned wanting to stay at my parents’ lake house for a day or two. My parents don’t know this yet, LOL. I’m pretty sure they’ll be happy to. For a planner like myself, this is hard, but I’m trying to roll with it - and for the most part I am.
Oh yes - we will be keeping their 2 dogs. Older S/DIL1 also have a dog. Our house will have 4 cats and 3 dogs! This could be interesting.
But I am excited that FDIL2’s family will finally see “The Beast.” This is my massive Xmas “Memory Tree” that I put up in the foyer that I cover with a billion lights and a trillion ornaments. I am excited to show it off.
Thanksgiving, the couple with the newborn are saying if we don’t come to them, they will come to us. Farther away couple never manages to commit to a plan before mid-November; S1 typically has to work day after. I am mulling over whether I can get away with saying “your father starts radiation in December and we are not going anywhere, all of you stay home too”.
Just me, I am too much an everybody-or-nobody mom. I’m fine with doing nothing, I am fine with the full house, I hate only seeing one set. I know it’s because I have always been the child far away, myself, perpetually left out. Anyway, they’ll figure it out and tell me.
Christmas they all usually come here, I’ve tried to give “permission” to stay home and they just laugh. We flip spaces to appropriate lodgings. S1 has a dog they travel with (eyeroll) which only complicates matters. But baby’s first Christmas will be here, I just won’t know any arrival times/stay length until I’ve already lost my mind, lol. DH’s radiation schedule may (or may not) change all that.
We are modest gift givers, so much of that is already done. We are blessed that our kids get along really well, and want to see each other. I don’t mind the work so much as I mind the lack of advance planning.
I hope this thread will make everyone feel that they aren’t alone in their messy, complicated, emotional feelings.
@thumper1 we have similar issues. That’s why we’ve pivoted to a random weekend because with schedules it gets complicated. Happy to spend the holiday alone.
We will probably go to my mil’s where she will complain that after decades of, she isn’t getting her way.
Both of my kids are married and the older one with two kids. They have started out with one year’s holidays with me and another with in-laws. This Thanksgiving happens to be the one they would be with their in-laws. I kind of put on a sad face. D1 then said she would be around Thanksgiving day and then drive up to see her in-laws on Friday. But then the in-laws said, “why don’t we come down for Thanksgiving.” D2 and her H also decided it would be too hectic to drive up to Vermont for Thanksgiving. SIL’s parents said they would prefer a longer visit after xmas. D1 will be hosting and we will have 10 people for Thanksgiving so far.
In December we are all going to Cancun for a week before xmas. It is something we usually do. My mom, siblings and some of their children will join us. This year is my turn to stay over xmas eve at D1’s house. D2 is going to host xmas eve and D1 will do xmas day. Both of them are going to see their in-laws after xmas day.
I don’t think I will decorate much for the holidays because I won’t be hosting. I will just get a lot of presents.
I don’t miss a lot about Covid- but I do miss the T-giving H and I spent at our own house, eating vegetarian takeout (delivered to the sidewalk outside the restaurant by the masked and gloved owner)from our favorite ethnic restaurant, binge -watching old Seinfeld episodes.
The annual kvetch about traffic, who drives/who cooks/why are the kids always with their in-laws, etc- gone. The entire extended family stayed home and guess what? It was great. The owner told us that T-giving “saved” him financially, so we weren’t the only folks in town to decide that roasting a turkey for a few people was dumb- so why not lentils and cauliflower?
This is a necessary thread that we need every year! Bah humbug, I’m in!
There are things I like about the holidays. And there is plenty I don’t like.
@conmama , get the little tree you want! Or no tree at all unless someone else wants to deal with it!
Both our holidays may be a little different this year. D1 is due mid-November so while they don’t usually come up for the holidays it’s possible I could be doing a back and forth thing from our house 2.5 hours away to assist. My brother and SIL host Thanksgiving - they haven’t turned that one over to me yet - so I guess we will just roll with the punches.
With the new baby I’m expecting some family discourse. D and SIL are pretty adamant that they don’t want baby around people who are non-vaccinated the first couple of months - which I can respect and support. One family unit that is usually here for Christmas don’t really do vaccines. Another family unit has already made plans to come from NYC to my city as has been the tradition for years so I’ll still be hosting - but it will very likely be without D, SIL and new baby. This is of course a happy reason but I expect there is going to have to be some explaining about why they aren’t here and then of course OUR family is going to have some new routines to adjust to for the first time in like 37 years! I think D and SIL may come up with baby once all the family is gone and we will do our Christmas then but I feel I’m going to be put in the middle of “why is D/SIL/Baby not coming?!” And they will ALL want to see baby….not first world problems of course.
I am also likely wrapping up my job in mid-late December - something I’m not fully thrilled with - and so I feel like that is going to be another layer of emotion and tasks to deal with.
And of course, H will just mosey through his days like always because he is just doesn’t understand or worry about these things and just shows up.
I’m happy about Thanksgiving this year, as I think I’ll have both my boys. Last year I had neither, so it was me, spouse, my mom, and my whackadoodle sister in law. It was weird and awkward and not fun for anyone. My guys are still young - 22 and 20 - with no families of their own yet, so this is achievable. My older guy is working and will only have Thurs/Fri off, he’ll likely drive home Thursday morning and back Saturday. Younger is in college - he’ll be home the Friday before Thanksgiving, and flying back the Friday after. I wish the boys had more time together, but I’ll be glad for anything I can get.
I think my older will be home. He hasn’t confirmed this yet. He’s got a girlfriend that he sort of referenced, but she lives almost nine hours north of us, and he really doesn’t have the time to drive that far (and that’s on a non-holiday driving day) so I’m hoping he’s not going to try and see her. He’s in his first job, so who knows what kind of leave he’ll have for Christmas. I’m hoping to get him for a few days, but I know he’s committed to a concert with friends in another city right around NYE, so he may not be at our place for long.
I’m just hoping that with at least one boy home, Thanksgiving will be better. We used to have my sister and her family as well, but they’ve been going to her in-laws for the last few years. When I was little it was all my aunts uncles and cousins and we routinely had between 20-30 people. It just felt so stilted having the whole big meal for just four of us, and conversation with my sister in law is always painful because of her mental illness, and with my mom is hard because she refuses to wear her hearing aids. And mom insists on cooking even though she’s getting old and it’s clearly tiring for her. And then she stresses about the food so much and has so much anxiety over it that it kind of takes over the day. I keep offering to cook myself or to order things and she insists that she wants to do it. Sigh. I’m just hoping that this year is less anxiety producing.
Maybe 3 years ago we switched to a tree that is entirely wooden, made with dowels and all maple. It was weird at first , but I could see a time when getting a live tree on the car and up in the house would not be something we could manage. I wanted this new tree to arrive as a choice, not an emergency necessity.
It’s beautiful, all our ornaments fit, and all I have to do is pull the sheet off and walk it up the basement stairs. Got it from Etsy, then got a smaller one for another room. The lights from our former typical 7’ live tree we just hang around the room — S1 said it looked a little like a friendly dive bar
Holidays have become complicated but I came up with a plan:
Thanksgiving: D, SIL and grands are driving to a nearby state where H’s siblings and their families live (it’s an area of small towns, H and I grew up there, I no longer have family there). Meanwhile I will fly to the city where S lives and he and I will take Amtrak to the family location. I’m staying in the city so it’s same day round trip.
Christmas: I will celebrate here with D and her family. Her in-laws will likely join us. S will not be joining us but he has already been invited to share dinner with friends who do not celebrate. He is considering that or volunteering. He and I plan to fly (separately) to my sister’s house in SoCal on the 26th. He will stay a few days, I plan to stay longer.
I had to think about this as like with others here, my situation has about a million moving parts.Sigh…
That would not happen. And also it’s not just Covid, we are getting flu and TDAP and making sure our MMR’s are good.
And i will absolutely be honest and say that baby’s parents are being extra cautious until she can get her first vaccines. But FOR ME, that is still awkward to say because it sort of puts politics on the table. Something we fully stay away from!
Adding on that basically every year getting ready for the holidays mentally and task wise feels like getting ready for a marathon. “Holidays” by Abasket. Whoopee.
to try and pick a weekend in December that I could rent an Airbnb in between where they live to get together for the holidays. This seemed to work better, with 4 demanding careers, call weekends and general business. Also my sil needs to set his schedule and PTO up 6 months in advance.
- so I guess we will just roll with the punches.
Another family unit has already made plans to come from NYC to my city as has been the tradition for years so I’ll still be hosting - but it will very likely be without D, SIL and new baby. This is of course a happy reason but I expect there is going to have to be some explaining about why they aren’t here and then of course OUR family is going to have some new routines to adjust to for the first time in like 37 years! I think D and SIL may come up with baby once all the family is gone and we will do our Christmas then but I feel I’m going to be put in the middle of “why is D/SIL/Baby not coming?!” And they will ALL want to see baby….not first world problems of course.