One thing I did when my kids were little was let them open gifts that came in the mail (not many, maybe 4 or 5) when they arrived. My uncle and aunt always sent books which aren’t that much fun on Christmas morning and get lost in the shuffle but if they arrive a week early, that’s fun!. Some of my friends would send stuff like coloring books or xmas themed games or movies, so those were nice to have early too.
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Dang, no pony…… 
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Right? It’s suppose to get easier as they get older not even more people to buy for, lol!!
I get it though. We have two married. My DIL has a bday very near Christmas which we buy for so I don’t feel overly bad if I don’t match up her gift $ with my son’s (her husband) for instance.
My SIL knows we have always sort of “overindulged “ at Christmas. He is a really simple guy - the kind of guy who might only have one winter coat but it will be a five star, lasts forever coat. I think he would be embarrassed and it would seem silly to get him = presents that he doesn’t want/need.
One thing I have been doing is buying a couple/household gift card for couples to enjoy purchasing something together. Often AIRBNB since they all like to travel and do weekend get aways. Last year one household got Wayfair gift cards because they wanted to purchase some home decor items.
To be honest, the two married couples are both making WAY more $$ than me and H ever did! It all starts to feel a bit silly at times.
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But of course you love them and want to express that feeling for the holidays.
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And even harder when one couple makes bank and the other very little and still paying student loans. How to make things close to even? One daughter is making peanuts as an instructor at a college (but just got married and at least has military benefits) and the other will get a $$$ bonus in Feb.
I’m not really aiming for even, but just fun and interesting. Every once in a while, I have a good idea for #2 ( loved the aerogarden suggested by CC years ago and still uses it). I gave up a long time ago buying her clothes. This year I will be watching her dogs for 3 weeks while she goes to Australia and yes, that is a gift. You know it will snow every day and I’ll have to shovel too. Another gift. Oh, and a ride to and from the airport. Gift 3.
Okay, maybe I’m done ‘shopping’!
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I really like that idea! I wonder how DS will take that. He’s the one who has his list for me in A nanosecond! Lol, imagine….sharing his Xmas gifts!
So during the height of Covid lockdowns, with my sister undergoing chemo, my husband and I met her and her husband at a (nice) outdoor rest stop for a picnic lunch in October. That was our Thanksgiving that year, in the middle doing what we could and avoiding potential bad weather.
For her actual Thanksgiving that year, she met her daughter and her fiancee at another outdoor rest stop (we have a lot of them lol). She brought nearly a full Thanksgiving dinner kept hot with bricks and aluminum foil.
While my mother was alive and we had a 7-hour drive through the snow belt, we always made Thanksgiving and opened presents after dinner to cover Christmas. She was thrilled, and we were happy we could travel in (mostly) decent weather. No one wanted the worry of lake-effect snow.
Now I’m the mother of a nurse and future mother-in-law of a doctor, and my other daughter will be a plane ride away after graduation. We will have to figure something out. But my family is used to floating holidays. I’ve already told my graduating senior that I’d rather she come home at a less-crazy time than the holidays and be able to relax.
I do hope that I don’t always get the short end of the stick, and his family understands that when time and desire permit the holidays need to be shared. But it is certainly less crazy to celebrate during an off-time than the actual holiday. They will have to set some boundaries for their life together, and that’s one of them.
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Our children have requested that we really cut back gifting.
One couple is a minimalist and the other a maximalist.
One couple wants to keep the house clean and uncluttered, the other has so much stuff!
I’ve respected that in the past, hoping that time together was good.
But the other side doesn’t and they both get gobs of stuff from them. They also give them presents.
I’m envious. I want to show my love also! I’m torn between respecting and saying the heck to it.
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I’m fairly minimalist and live in a small house. I really, really don’t have room for large gifts that others give me. In case it is helpful re: your minimalist kids: what I do like are items of jewelry (they’re small!), luxurious bath products – especially fancy soaps (small, beautiful, useful and consumable), cashmere anything (luxurious and lightweight and easy to store in small spaces) and board games ('cause they provide so much value for their storage costs, if it’s a game I like.)
Also, a gift I really liked was a long time ago, but it was a gift of cash with an accompanying note to use it for something we wouldn’t ordinarily purchase. DH and I were travelling and we used it to upgrade our hotel. Decades ago, but I still remember that gift!
Edited to add: a gift-giving “benefit” of cashmere is that the moths really love it so for me at least it tends to last only a couple of years (I can’t stand the smell of moth balls) — thus opening up another slot for cashmere gift-giving.
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My favorite holidays were during the pandemic. We spent both Thanksgiving and Christmases with our close friend neighbor family, who were basically our pod. It was low stress, we were able to do big hikes in the woods both Thanksgivings so we were hungry for the meal. I loved my in-laws bit the Covid holidays were just laid back and easier.
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Because we all have too much stuff, we have taken to having more of our gifts be consumables - food and drink.
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My friend’s daughter had an Etsy business of cashmere. She’d get sweaters from thrift stores (she had a connection that would save them for her. She had these cute moth patches that she’d put over the moth holes, or if the sweaters were too far gone, she’d cut them into smaller pieces and sewed them into scarves, vests, baby blankets and other sweaters. Very cute.
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A cedar chest works too.
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Love it!!
Would they appreciate experiences more than physical gifts?
Perhaps a subscription, maybe a zoo membership, etc. That would need to be coordinated with them, of course, but if they really don’t want “stuff” (and so many don’t) maybe your love can be shown all year round with something they will use a lot.
If you give a movie theater membership, you could make a “night out” basket with a restaurant gift certificate and a bottle of wine for later. I’m not super creative in that area, but you see where I’m going.
The benefit is, they know Mom respects them and they will think of you every time they use their membership
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One of the best holiday gifts I have gotten:
A gift card to a restaurant with the menu…and a note from the gift giver that they would deliver my order to me after the first of the year!
Another:
Gift giver got an empty paper cup from a carry out coffee place I like. They put the gift card inside it. And had a suggestion of the coffee I should try (it’s now one of my favorites) written on the outside like an order.
Both consumable!
@MMRose if I ever receive the gifts you like, I’ll send them to you. I can’t wear any kind of wool including cashmere, and I am not a fan of any scented anything (candles, bath salts, soaps, etc). I’ll let you know!
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The experience gift trend is understandable but so hard in a practical sense. How do I, far far away from the giftee, know what they already have? And experience gifts are so often really expensive! So I am guessing, and spending significantly more than I would on a physical gift, because somebody doesn’t want more stuff, and instead giving them something that gives them yet another thing to add to their busy schedule.
This has been really hard on my elderly mom, who wants more than anything than to have her far away grands and great-grands be able to read a book, or play with a lego, or put on socks and think of her. But she’s been told (told! ) to stop giving stuff. Which also neatly reduces years of carefully chosen gifts she meant as portable love to “stuff”. She and I figure out small gifts anyway, but they sucked all the fun out of it for her.
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I think that’s the crux of it. Gift giving shouldn’t be a chore nor an obligation on either party. And in the right spirit a gift should be both joyfully given and joyfully received. To tell someone to not give gifts or refuse to receive them is not the right spirit. For many they are a symbol of love and should be received as such. I can especially understand wanting to send little children a toy or something special directly to them.
But there can come a time when everything is “too much”. No room, no need. Kids are older–time to send money and a heartfelt note. Add to a college fund. Help them invest.
And at some point I think it’s time to look beyond the family. The shoebox program from Samaritan’s purse is a good example–buy toys for kids who otherwise would have nothing. Sponser a family in your community. Donate to a charity. Put up the money and let them decide where to donate it. And don’t keep who or what or why you donate to different causes a secret from your family–it teaches them too.
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I have a women in my Buy Nothing group who passes on all the trinkets grandma gives her kids to the group. I say let grandma be a grandma.
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There are other ways to be a grandma besides giving kids stuff they don’t want, don’t need, and don’t have room for.
Grandma can buy a family membership to the local zoo, museum or botanical garden, and get regular photos of the kids enjoying a docent’s tour or a day in the reptile room. Grandma can pay for a day of ziplining/rock climbing/ropes course at a sports facility and watch a fun video of the kids insane and dangerous looking activities (but with harnesses and safety gear). Grandma can give the family an “at home night” with food delivery from an ethnic restaurant they’ve never tried and a fancy dessert from a cool bakery, or music lessons/an art class or something enriching that is beyond the family’s budget right now. Friends of mine give theater tickets and the perennial- tickets to the closest production of “Nutcracker” to where the family lives.
Many young families with kids don’t have the budget for these opportunities-- and if their closets are bulging with last year’s toys- which got five minutes of play time, maybe a candid conversation with grandma could be the way out of the plastic/regifting/not necessary cycle.
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We do that ourselves in our own family – partial to donors choose (teachers) and the Brennan center (voting rights). If I comment on Samaritan’s Purse I’m sure to get myself in trouble 
Mom lives very far away from some of her grandchildren and experience gifts are not practical. I understand that not wanting a house full of stuff is reasonable and good parenting, and I don’t question that. Just a pov that exceptions are sometimes warranted.
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