All that sounds wonderful, and I would’ve preferred that as well when the kids were young and we didn’t have a lot of money.
Every time my mom and dad came, mom would bring one of those multipacks of crappy cereal – cereal that I didn’t let my kids have on the regular. They got to have a draft, taking turns picking the little box each kid wanted most, then second most of what was left, etc.The kids LOVED them, of course. And my mom loved how much my kids loved them. And I loved how much my mom loved how much my kids loved them. Small sacrifice on my part for my kids and their grandmother to share a special thing, even if those sugary cereals weren’t mother-approved.
I’m going to assume that most parents of young kids are wise enough (as you were) to let the little stuff go. But I know people who are helping to support their elderly parents (i.e. paying their rent, the condo fee, covering the costs of other incidentals because they are on a fixed income without a lot of “extras”) and then come the holidays and the grandparents are buying a truckload of “stuff” from Walmart and snow boots and jackets in the wrong size, and assorted Christmas decorations… and I see both sides.
A little communication goes a long way. Grandma may need to dial it back or show her love in a different way, and the parents may need to be kind and appreciative but direct.
I completely agree! BUT the grand needs to agree…and in our family, that was a non-starter. So the kids learned to graciously accept what grandparents sent, and then they could keep, give away or donate as they wanted to (grands didn’t live nearby).
We begged for memberships, concert tickets to the children’s symphony concerts, etc. The answer was a clear…NO.
The fun thing about the zoo, museum or botanical garden memberships is that they often include reciprocal memberships which greatly expands their usefulness.
My best suggestion is to do as my son does–I ask what he’d like for Christmas and then he sends me a curated list. Makes us both happy!
My father had one brother who had 2 kids. There were 6 kids in my family. The uncle always sent gifts, usually books. My mother was a knitter but could never get the gifts done on time, so it became sort of a tradition for her to send the Christmas gifts in March. They loved it as their birthdays were in May, Aug, and Oct so a long stretch without anything fun arriving.
If the grandparents buy too many gifts the kids really don’t want, maybe suggest one thing that costs a bit more than the $10 game but not enough to break the bank. Do the teens really want a movie gift card? Does the 8 year old want a new dance costume? Does the college kid want Starbucks gifts? Help out the grandparents by directing them to something useful but not too expensive or bulky.
But make sure to send a photo of the kids using the gift or an email that says ‘hey grandma, on my way to see Batman 18. Thanks for the movie gift card.’ Even better if it is July and the kids are still enjoying their gift cards.
I don’t know about the rest of you here… but the year my friend group decided to celebrate birthdays with an informal dinner at someone’s house (not a restaurant- which sometimes was over someone’s budget but they were too polite to push back on the choice) and decided to forgo the “group gift” which was ALWAYS something the recipient didn’t need, couldn’t return, and was too expensive given the circumstances-- was a very happy day for me. I’ve hosted, I’ve been hosted, I’ve happily cleaned up the kitchen in someone else’s home-- but the focus on enjoying each other’s company without the hushed “Venmo me $85 when you get home” at the end of dinner is really a gift of longstanding friendships. The group gifts quickly escalated; there’s a limited number of fancy wallets you can buy before the wallet becomes a handbag becomes a tote bag; it’s a little icky asking a friend who has been unemployed for months to contribute but even ickier to leave her out…
So I see the grandparent gifting sometimes through this lens. By the time the kids are teenagers, do they really want grandma sending a big box of stuff? Especially if they suspect it’s a financial strain?
Am I the first to point at that it’ll get easier - when they die? All my grandparents died before I was 18, add a couple other tragic young deaths makes me appreciate that yes it’s complicated, but really not that hard.
This gift discussion reminds me of 2 things - when my kids were little my mom (who was a waitress her entire life) spend WAY too much buying plastic stuff for my kids at the holidays/their birthdays. I tried getting her to buy them less and start a college account for them, but she said that was my job. (I am not complaining - when I was getting divorced she picked up extra shifts regularly to make sure my kids could stay in their expensive tai kwon do classes, and she spent ALL of her vacation time coming across country to see my kids… she was a great grandmother).
My mom and my aunt, who lived together for many years, always wanted to buy me something when I went to visit them. I finally figured out how to handle it - I would find an inexpensive t-shirt or something similar that I “really loved” and wanted. Once they bought something, we could all relax and the pressure was off.
My inlaws have always loved the splash of a big gift, no matter how perplexing – we live in a landlocked state,yet when the kids were tweenagers they gave them … a used sailboat. For Christmas. They thought we could store it under the deck at our house, 200 miles away from the unwrapping. Sometimes you just have to laugh!
I agree that some people get a lot of joy from giving, that describes H’s entire family. They love to shop, wrap, give (and receive) physical gifts.
For others, however not so much. The emphasis on gifts is not my thing and I believe that should also be respected.
H’s family all lived near each other, spent tons of time together so it’s easy for them to know everyone’s needs, wants and tastes. They would shop together as a fun activity. I however, lived 800 miles away, saw them a few times a year. I had to finally take myself (and H) out of this as it was a source of anxiety and stress for me. With a full time management job, a 2 hour/day commute and young children I had no time except on weekends when the malls in my suburban area were packed (and no one to take my kids for me, they came with). Then there was shipping. That was another hour long line at my post office (if I was lucky). It honestly ruined the holiday for me. Several people suggested that I shop throughout the year - great idea EXCEPT I was also expected to buy birthday and anniversary gifts for everyone. They did not consider gift cards/experiences as actual gifts.
For the sake of my sanity, I finally told them that that could do what they wanted with no judgement from me, but we were only buying for the kids (and H’s parents). There was initial disappointment (although they never seemed to like the gifts I chose…) but that was that. It saved my holidays.
I get anxious just reading all that! If gift giving is someone’s hobby/extra curricular so be it - it’s not for everyone!
I enjoy gift giving but in moderation especially in terms of the # of people. My kids of course. A special little something maybe for a friend. Our extended family that will be together does a Secret Santa for the adults (only one person left that is not considered an “adult”) but that is just one gift to buy and there is a $ limit that is reasonable - and fun to do. Other than that, I bake and may put together cookie plates for a neighbor or two or to bring into work…that’s it!
And Christmas cards went out the window years and years ago. That for me was an ENORMOUS relief.
Maybe to keep thread appropriate as well, we should all think about our top 1-3 things about the holidays that makes us whine - and see if we can “fix” one of those. Make life a little happier and joyful for everyone!
Gift giving was definitely a H’s family thing as well. H loves to buys things. If not for himself, then others. When we were in Europe, he was STILL trying to buy things for FORMER co-workers! I’m like really? You don’t need to buy them anything!
When money was so tight, he still insisted on buying Xmas stuff for anyone and everyone. We were up to 40-45 people at one point. I wouldn’t mind so much, except the $$$ was a constant source of stress. Even if we spread it out throughout the year, which of course we had to, it was a lot. At some point I started making him cut down. My niece and nephews in the 20s? He balked. I said “Didn’t you always find it weird when Aunt X sent us stuff?” Yeah, but that’s different. No it’s not! And then my family was easy, as we aren’t big gift givers. We just get my parents something small, and now usually food.
But then there was always the lopsided gift giving get togethers on his family’s side. When they were working, SIL/BIL made 5-10x what we did. We would be giving my in-laws their presents… they would give them (in one year) a giant plasma TV, a new computer and noise cancelling headphones. From us? A sweater and a book, lol. Another year, they paid to have the whole inside of their house re-painted. Everyone was a nice as they could be about it, but still… really? H finally asked if we could exchange gifts privately.
Life is much easier now. Just my kids/GFs get real gifts. Delivered food baskets to parents/in-laws and my Aunt. Edit - I forgot. My Nephew/his kids get stuff. He is very close with H and he also takes care of our pets when we go away.
It used to make me anxious when friends got me gifts, because I felt like I needed to reciprocate. I FINALLY got pretty much all friends to stop doing the gift exchange. I do have one friend who MAY get me a little something if he and his wife see something on one of their many trips that makes them think of me. I’ve tried to reframe it as it brings them joy, so don’t worry about reciprocating.
Cards used to stress me out, bc I felt like I should write personal notes in each. Now I just send cards to people we don’t see much at all, and it’s much easier.
This year I might find it hard to ignore the sales and things that would be fun for the kids. BUT, I promised husband I would not do anything besides stockings (and the trip we are taking kids on). Hopefully this will work well for everyone and one in particular won’t be too sad with no gifts from us.
I don’t bake many cookies any longer, because we wound up eating so many, and we don’t need to be doing that.
This year I haven’t figured out what to do about a tree. We usually go cut one down, but we will be done for 2 weeks in December, so that won’t work. I may just get a small artificial tree that will sit on a tabletop.
@1214mom - that all sounds good to me. I’m with you on the cards stressing me out. I love to get cards, though. This year I have some nice family pictures I might just have them made into cards. have a few lines pre printed and send them out. I do love getting family pictures from people.
Cards stress me out too. I greatly culled my list a few years ago. Now it’s just elderly family members and a couple of people who aren’t on FB. I just pick a family photo from the past year and write “Happy Holidays” and post it for the rest. That covers more than 90% of my list.
I can also relate to the grandparents’ over shopping. My mom loved to shop and bought all kinds of stuff for our D. Problem was that she wasn’t “even” with the other grands who lived elsewhere and there were hurt feelings. She basically sent a check and told the parents to buy toys with no explanation of what so lots of extra work for them. When my mom got sick, she would do the same thing to us and then complain if we weren’t buying the “enough”. because she wanted quantity over quality. Thankfully I was able to eventually talk them out of that but it was a struggle.
My college roommate does the MOST fun Christmas card/letter. I am always so excited when it arrives.
Each year she creates, “Jack & Jill’s Year in Itty-Bitty Photos.” She and her dh travel a lot (no kids), but it’s not really braggy. She probably includes 30-35 (maybe more??) photos that she has shrunk down and puts them in chronological order on an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of printer paper with a running caption above them. “This year we, kissed the Blarney Stone, hiked at Yosemite, had a visit from friends Susie and Bob and played trivia at a brewery, went to visit family at Easter where Emma met the Easter bunny,” etc. I truly have to get out a magnifying glass to see them. It’s extra fun when you make it into the stream of itty-bitty photos!
In 2020 they sent a regular photo card with a pic of them by a giant pyramid of toilet paper they’d built, captioned, “This year we did nothing.” Or something like that. She is so clever.
I have friends who write a holiday newsletter with each adult contributing and every year it is not only entertaining but sidesplitting. Even in a tough year they manage to find some humor.
