lol we have a thread for that!
2 Likes
I read it!
A neighbor is having an open house, not really a New Year’s party but on New Year’s Eve.
I really, really don’t want to go. I don’t want to hear about everyone’s holiday, I don’t want to explain mine. I just want this year to go away.
Would it be in bad form to decline? I know if I ask my husband, he will say we have to go. I really really don’t.
My daughter called today, we had a good conversation. Not sure anything got solved. I told her I was sad, it wasn’t the end of the world and rationally I know but emotionally I’m really really sad.
10 Likes
I feel strongly that you don’t need to go to this party. Dh can go by himself if he really feels compelled.
What was your daughter’s reaction?
11 Likes
One thing I have learned as I’ve gotten older is that it is absolutely okay to say no. And a reason is unnecessary. A simple, “Thank you so much for the invitation, but I’m not able to make it” is all that’s needed. In the unlikely event you’re asked what you are doing instead, just say that you have other plans. Because doing a puzzle in your pj’s or whatever it is you will be doing is your plan, and that’s okay.
17 Likes
She understood, there’s a lot of things I haven’t shared (all to do with the wedding and the fallout from that).
I am pretty salty about them going to a resort, but then also flying home on Christmas Day and spending the day with his parents. She said that they didn’t want to spend the holiday with either family. I said but you did.
There are a lot of things I have to bite my tongue on.
It’s complicated.
11 Likes
I foresee a bad cold hitting about 4 pm on 12/31
9 Likes
I totally agree. On the other hand, in a situation like this, for myself I might worry about self-isolating. Tonight I am skipping a weekly meet-up that I’ve attended 6 or 7 times consecutively and really enjoyed. But I was tired, had a very busy day during which I walked miles yesterday, and the weather is dreary. I will be sure to go next week. Probably not a parallel to your annual invite plus I live alone with one grown kid at a distance so there are many differences.
I totally get wanting this year to be over!
1 Like
If you go to the New Year’s Day thing - just try to keep it light. How was your holiday “Husband and I grilled steaks that came out great” or something that does not invite follow up.
And then - something that has worked for me when I’m carrying around sadness and frustration with family or friends is to purposely build a happy moment into every day. Think about it in bed the night before - I’m going to take my favorite walk at lunch time, I’m going to cook my favorite meal tomorrow night, I’m going to call a good friend and connect.
All those little happy moments build up, too, just as much as the sad and frustrated moments. Maybe you’re already taking care of yourself that way - but I like to recommend it because a lot of people think happiness or contentment just happens. But for me, it takes some work!
18 Likes
The power of “I’m so sorry, I can’t make it- Happy New Year!” cannot be underestimated!
I have friends who are lovely people most of the year, but whose competitive engines seem to come to life in November and don’t dissipate until the end of January. H surprised you with a mink coat and a pair of diamond earrings? That’s so great. Kids surprised you by showing up- en masse, including the Peace Corps volunteer who was in a rural village with no internet? I’m so happy for you. Your “barely hanging on” parent was diagnosed with a highly curable form of whatever- and is now doing great and is back to scheduling bridge dates and pickleball tournaments? Wow, such a miracle. Etc. And on and on.
I have a wonderful life, don’t get me wrong. But even a great job has bad days; even a satisfying marriage has bumps; even the most incredible extended family presents challenges. So I’m not envious of these “Gold Medal” winners in the December sweepstakes- I just don’t need to hear about their triumphs in real time, face-to-face, after a challenging year/month/decade.
I own a popcorn popper and a TV with a remote… I think I’m good for the New Year’s parties!
13 Likes
I wish my dad would quit whining and demanding and expecting us to go visit him and kiss the ring. For the past 14 yr since my mom died (that was when our kids were 2 and 4, they’re now 16 and 18), he’s been snarky about it. For over 8 yr, he chose to not see his grandchildren. For a long time, we didn’t have the vacation time or the money to go anywhere, so even if we’d wanted to go travel to visit him, it wouldn’t have been able to happen.
Meanwhile, he’s been retired that entire time. Living in a house that’s fully paid off and sitting on a big pile of retirement money, living comfortably.
On 2 notable occasions, he made promises to either come here or meet us elsewhere to do something special with our kids. And he flaked. One time, he just flat out didn’t show up, didn’t answer my calls for weeks afterwards, only to find out that the reason he didn’t go was because his wife’s dog had died 3 wk earlier. He didn’t go to D24’s HS graduation because their dog might be sick. 
Oh and he married his current wife 1 yr to the day after my mom died. He started dating that woman 3 mo after my mom died…when the woman was still married…a woman who my mom was close friends with.
Yet every year, he’s grumpy and salty that we don’t travel to him to visit him. He has it in his head that this is what “children are supposed to do.”
And did I forget to mention that when he started dating his current wife, he also shipped to me and my sister literally all of our family’s mementos? Even the pics of my kids that we’d given to him and my mom. So he erased us.
But still, there’s the demand that we go visit the king on his throne, pay homage, play “Happy Family” for a week while we all stare at the walls and listen to him talk about himself, listen to him talk about how great he is for hours and hours on end.
No. I’m not doing that. Life is too short for me to get sucked into that drama and crazy making nonsense. I do not care if he is mad or upset about it. He’s never made an effort to get to know my kids better except for when they were really young and my mom was still alive. He never calls my kids. Never reaches out to them. Never calls me. I’ve always had to be the one to make an effort.
I’ve been adulting for a long time now. Long enough to know that just because someone is a relative, you are not obligated to put up with toxic nonsense.
Grandparenting is a privilege, not a right. When you’re a grandparent, the grandchildren’s parents are the ones who will decide what they are comfortable with exposing their kids to.
And if my dad doesn’t like that, then he can go pound sand.
As a result, we’ve now had many years of drama free Thanksgivings and Christmases. But by making the choices he has, he has chosen to miss out on the best memories with my kids. Putting out cookies and milk for Santa on Xmas Eve. Being woken up at 5 am asking to open presents. It’s too bad. He’s missed out on a lot because you can’t be happy and be right all at the same time. And he decided a long time ago that he wanted to be right.
14 Likes
Maybe @sbinaz that’s the other side of the coin. Maybe we aren’t doing enough. Something I worry about. I mean I feel like we put a lot of effort into trying to keep communication open and try to work with our children. Try to visit but maybe they or their spouse thinks we don’t put enough effort into that.
Thanks for the good suggestions. I’m trying to do a fun thing every day to highlight this time of year. And thankfully it’s almost over.
I told my husband that I was not in a frame of mind to go to this open house and try to be happy. I know everyone wants to talk about their experiences and how they got together with the family and, and… you get it… He agreed so I will decline the invitation.
I took down the Christmas decorations yesterday, bought new bins. Which actually made me happy to organize all my stuff. Putting it away and I’m looking forward. On to January!
10 Likes
All you can do is your best. It’s good, though, that you’re open to reflecting on the situation and possibly making adjustments in case they might be needed.
My H’s parents and sister lived within three hours of each other, and they had no intention of ever making an effort to spend holidays with our family. We could go to them, but they would not even consider coming to us. We live in the area where H was raised, and his parents moved when he graduated college - so it’s not like we moved away from them. Our kids didn’t have Christmas holidays with that side of the family. We visited them a lot, but we drew the line at Christmas … and it was obvious that they didn’t miss us at the holidays, so there you go. We mentioned having them come at Christmas many times over the years, and we have room for them to stay with us.
I think it’s totally fine to bow out and not attend the thing with all of the neighbors. 
Sometimes one does burn out on the pressure around holidays to be involved in every little thing and to put on a happy face all the time.
I grew up living a long distance away from my maternal grandparents but we had a close relationship despite that. But that was because we talked to them on the phone a lot (a couple of times a week), they’d send cards or occasional care packages “just because”, stuff like that. So when we did see them once a year in person, it was extra special.
My dad, however, is very self absorbed, very rigid, and things have to be absolutely his way or no way. He’s also prone to having big loud temper tantrums where he throws things across the room, so it’s been a blessing in disguise that he chose to stay away. My kids grew up not thinking that it’s normal and ok for a grown man to behave that way.
So while I can’t change him, I can change how I interact with him. I engage with him at a level I am comfortable with. And I no longer expect him to be what I want him to be. I also am neutral and kind of don’t care anymore if he’s mad at us. Apathetic I guess would be the word. So now when he behaves like a toddler, I just, “Huh, ok. There you go again” and I put him in a time out until he’s able to behave with me like a semi-normal adult would.
It’s his loss. It’s sad but there’s nothing I can do about it. He’s going to be this way the rest of his life.
11 Likes
Mel Robbin’s has a new book out called “The Let Them Theory”. I am new to her and may start listening to her podcast. I just got the audio book. Really like her insta posts especially a recent one about 7 questions to answer to gain clarity in the new year. Resigned from my long standing book club, as it had turned into a complaint club and replaced with another interest with new/growing friends.
@sbinaz - your actions/comments around you dad sound like you could be Mel Robbins - perfect clarity around “Let them”.
My whining is not about the holidays and more around changing friendships and changing my expectations around my young adults that may/may not be taking my “excellent” advice 
as they graduate and become independent. I am hoping to not become angry or alienate my kids - will see if the Let Them theory is helpful.
8 Likes
Thank you for suggesting this. I watched the podcast with her daughter and plan to go back to the one that inspired the writing of the book (which I will order).
1 Like
My son told me last month “we aren’t really looking for input on this” and we have laughed about it ever since. But he was right to tell me, and I too am learning to all be adults. “They aresmart people, they’ll figure it out” is the phrase I tell myself when I want to let my worries off the leash.
9 Likes
It’s so hard sometimes, isn’t it?
I have a son who seeks my advice, and I am used to giving it to him (respectfully, of course). He is now married, and it is clear his wife doesn’t appreciate the same level of advice. Part of how I’ve tried to limit my advice is by importance. For example, if it’s a medical issue I may weigh in right away, where if it’s something they are talking about related to their house, or vacation, or something they are thinking of buying I will keep my mouth shut more or just ask questions, or say positive things. We have a great relationship (which took time to build), but it is different than things used to be for sure.
8 Likes
Whenever I’m tempted to give advice to my kids, I ask them first if they want it. I remember getting advice from my sweet MIL that I could have done without, ha.
8 Likes
This topic was automatically closed 180 days after the last reply. If you’d like to reply, please flag the thread for moderator attention.