To be clear, we aren’t invited for Christmas Day but some time around Christmas.
And going to their house is the same plan as every year. I do bring my cooler and am happy to bring whatever is needed.
I wish that they would drive across the state to my other child’s house but they are going to pass.
Every thing I whined about in my OP, nothing has changed.
Again, @deb922 my sympathy and empathy. To others, it seems that she has proposed every permutation of getting together and nothing in the least bit convenient for her and husband has been offered by any of her kids. Some times the truth of a situation leads to nothing but venting, and I am grateful to CC to be able to do so here as needed.
I think these are such wise words by @conmama
We had dinner with friends last night, and they were lamenting their adult son and his family (wife and one about to be one-year-old granddaughter) not spending more time with them. Hurt feelings, unmet expectations, etc. I used a lot of the points made in this thread as we talked through their frustrations.
I do agree that our generation twisted ourselves (and continue to twist ourselves) into pretzels in an attempt to keep everyone happy. (Sorry - I can’t remember who said that upthread). Honestly, I think it is healthy that our children have better boundaries than we did/do. Goodness knows I wish I had been better at that early on in our marriage.
And, one thing I always ask of friends who express these types of feelings regarding lack of attention from their adult children is, “How much time did you want to spend with your parents/in-laws when you were a young adult?” That query is invariably met with a wincing face and protests that that is/was different. Our parents were boring. We are the cool, fun parents, etc. Ummmmm, okay. I’m sure you perceive yourself that way, but your kids probably don’t.
I do understand it’s hurtful. I do understand wanting more than the scraps it feels like we are tossed. I do understand there can be a lack of fairness. I’m happy this is a safe place to vent, but I think lowering expectations is the way to go.
No it is not too early to whine! I do it off and on all year. I have empathy and a similar situation. All of my kids married into large families and ours is tiny. One of our kids married into a family where family and spouse insist ALL holidays -major and minor - are to be celebrated by that family only - now birthdays have been added too, including our child’s birthday and grandchildren’s birthdays. This and related things to this have been/are a huge sorrow in my life.
That family is a split (divorced)family, so there are already two celebrations each time and we’ve been told there is not room for a third and neither or both of the others can be skipped. We have tried various things - inviting part of the family to celebrate with us -they did, but never reciprocated, trying on a different day - we are told too much, cake, turkey, presents, whatever with already having existing 2 celebrations. We have other kids who would prefer to have the holiday on the holiday date. Our other kids are married and one family invites us also to every holiday our child is with them and we split reasonably evenly and amicably with the others.
We are scattered around the country and happily will spend on airfare (and/or us driving) to make things work, but still the one family declines, and twice when we were there, went out with local relatives without us. The family who doesn’t share is all within a few miles of each other, together “all the time” and we do not live in that area. We’ve been told by our child it is a stress on their marriage for us to ask to participate in holidays and birthdays.
We can sometimes console ourselves by saying it is them, not us, we are generally well liked and have good friends, but it hurts and is very frustrating. We also usually have one or more of our other kids for gatherings, for which we are very thankful. Our own (out of town) families were super accommodating and helpful in sharing (our kids were part of the sharing for decades, so they remember). It never occurred to us we could run into a family like this.
I have to wonder what “one day of vacation to take off for the holiday” actually means. Christmas falls on a Wednesday this year, and often people are automatically given off Dec 24, 25, and even 26th. So if they typically don’t work the weekends, one day of holiday actually could mean that they just take off Dec 23rd, and can leave for somewhere on Friday night Dec 20th and stay somewhere till Dec 25-26. Our kids typically get that entire week off without asking for vacation.
Then again, certainly everyone doesn’t have the traditional workweek. I’ve worked many a holiday and had to do backflips to get Christmas off, for decades. And the “only one vacation day” could be an excuse because they don’t want to go anywhere.
If it’s any comfort (and I know in the near term it’s not because the hurt is real and vivid) these type of family dynamics don’t last forever- or at least at some point the wheels come off the bus.
Someone is in high control mode. So when it’s all working out, everyone is healthy and employed and with an apparently happy marriage and high functioning kids and all the “brags”-- terrific. But anything that rocks this boat- and therefore shakes the control panel loose- watch out.
And it can be something happy that rocks the boat- one of the kids gets “the job offer of a lifetime” 3,000 miles away. Kid plus spouse are excited beyond belief. The grandparents see this as a major betrayal. Another kid gets a fully paid fellowship at Kennedy School or a White House fellowship (assuming they don’t live in Boston or DC) and the grandparents are ready to sue for custody of the grandchildren because “he’s an unfit parent to take the children away from the only loving grandparents they’ve ever known”. Try putting THAT in front of a Family Court judge who sees cases of horrific abuse, addiction, etc. every day.
Hugs to you. I know you’re making the best of a lousy situation. They sound like %^&* but it usually doesn’t last forever and you’ll get to have your time eventually once the veneer is stripped off.
Hugs. It stinks.
But something HAS changed from your original post. You’ve got a gang of virtual friends who either have similar dynamics in their own family, OR have figured out a semi-satisfying workaround, OR have found peace by moving past it and creating a different kind of holiday experience.
It is much easier when the new couple/family can be consumed into the existing family. My mother was raised by an aunt and uncle who only lived about 5 blocks from my grandparents, but we never once stayed at their house. We rarely had dinner there (although they did come to our house which was about 45 minutes away a couple times a year.) We went to my grandparents’ house just about every weekend and all summer. We’d stop by the aunt and uncle’s house on Christmas to get a gift - after we’d opened the bonanza of gifts from the grandparents (we were adored by them). We walked right by the A&U’s house on the way to the beach, but never went in (although they did work, but a great aunt and my mother’s cousin who was mentally handicapped were always home)
My brother married first and his wife’s parents had died when she was in high school. She was just part of our family. Next two siblings married people who had at least one parent who had died, so not big holiday celebrations in those families.
My daughter is getting married this weekend and his parents are divorced and it is already an issue. His father is in a wheelchair, and ill, but is not making an effort to be engaged in the wedding at all, like he thinks he may just stay for the ceremony and then go to the hotel The parents do not get along, but so what? suck it up for 4 hours. My daughter was talking about going to Christmas with him this year but she’s pretty pissed about how he’s acting and she may just say ‘forget it.’ (and probably just stay home)
Now that mother will be after my grandchildren, I can see that already! My other daughter’s future MIL? Also after my grandchildren. I do own a pretty nice set of American Girl dolls and I do make the Christmas stockings and both other mothers only raised boys. And I can sew and make really nice costumes for dress up (boys and girls). I’m lining up my weapons to become favorite grandmother.
Absolutely, I don’t feel alone anymore. And that is a blessing.
I’m going to kinda disagree with the twisting yourself into pretzels analogy.
For @lb5, the kids aren’t twisting themselves into pretzels for their parents but for the spouse or the spouse’s parents. They haven’t really learned how not to be a people pleaser. You are just the person of least resistance. I’m sure that is one of the issues with one and maybe both kids.
@busdriver11 i have no idea what the one day of vacation meant. Maybe we will have a discussion when we go there the weekend before thanksgiving.
Thank you so much for sharing your story @lb5. I’m sure it’s extremely hurtful but I hope like me you feel a common ground in this thread. Because I see and hear you.
@Hoggirl we were happy to spend time with our families. I spent time with my sibling and her kids. My kids loved going to my parents. My niece was my daughter’s MOH. On the other side, we spent many happy vacations at the beach with the in laws, the sibling and the cousins. I never thought of it as a huge burden. I’m not asking for tons of time, just that maybe once in a great while , we spend some time together.
I think this thread has hit a cord with so many in one way or another. Whether you can relate or not.
I’ll share a thought I’d only share on here. I don’t know that I’d have the guts to say it in real life. So don’t flame me. 
Most (as in a majority, not all) are of the age that kids have long emptied the house or will soon. Many of our kids have families of their own. Near or far. Many of us are 60+. I mean we feel young and look GREAT, but no denying it, 60+!!!
Some here are fortunate enough to have parent(s) or inlaw(s) still in the picture. Many of them 70’s, 80’s, 90’s!!! May we all be so lucky if we are having a good quality of life.
BUT, we are not young. We are “seniors” too. Do we have to be in our 80’s before we get the consideration of our elders? Are we not “elders” too? Of course we should cater to our parents/in-laws - but….every time? Nearly every time?? WHEN do we get to be catered to?
We may not be the “oldest” - but yet we are not young! SOMEBODY SEE US TOO!!!
My kid is a doctor. She will be working two of the three days above. She is required to work one, and elected to do a second one so that folks with young kids can have the holiday with their kids. So…she will have one day off…period.
My son is a musician who will be playing on the 24, and 25. He will have the 26th off. But he is also 2000 or so miles away. When he has been able to get here for Christmas week, we have celebrated whenever he gets here.
So some people don’t “automatically” get the days off you mention.
Oh. My son in law is a flight medic who will be working all three of those days. No auto days off.
First responders and doctors and the like often don’t get automatic days off around holidays.
This is why we have celebrated Christmas as a family as late as January.
I’m not whining but this is the way it is.
The first year we were married, DH was working for a production of Nutcracker. They had a performance on December 24, and then another one on December 26…but it was about a three hour drive from here. His family couldn’t understand why we couldn’t be in the DC area for Christmas Day. Well…because he didn’t finish work on the 24th until early evening….and he had to be in the other location on the 26th at 9 am. We live about a 7 hour drive to where they lived near DC. Couldn’t happen. We heard about it for years.
Pilots don’t automatically get days off around Christmas. Air Traffic Controllers, TSA agents, police officers, the staff at the local blood bank. We can all thank these folks who show up for us.
I had a family member who was a transit worker. Boy, those were thankless shifts. But if you’re the nurse ending your 12 hour day who just wants the bus to show up on time so you can get home on Christmas night before you fall asleep sitting up- how wonderful that the buses ARE running.
We may resent our kids when they don’t automatically get the days off we think they’re entitled to. But it’s kind of nice to have raised kids who take their professional responsibilities seriously, no???
My divorced father didn’t even want to be in the same city as my mother!
I’ve used the “what did I do or tell my parents about when I was my now-adult children’s age?” question when I’ve felt tempted to opine on something I shouldn’t. That has proved really helpful to reset my expectations – and I have used that pathway to make the point to DH as well.
@deb922, I am so sorry. You have truly made every effort. I hope this continues to be a safe place for you to vent. 
I certainly realize that some people don’t “automatically” get the days off that I mentioned, though many people do, depending upon their career field. If you had continued reading my post, you would have read, “Then again, certainly everyone doesn’t have the traditional workweek. I’ve worked many a holiday and had to do backflips to get Christmas off, for decades.” As a military pilot, I’ve spent many Christmas weeks in garden spots like Saudi Arabia and as a cargo pilot, well, everybody needs their rubber dog crap out of Hong Kong. 
So after almost four decades of gyrations in feeble attempts to get that holiday off, I do understand that many people do work Christmas. However, at least most of them are fortunate enough to go home to their family that day, or at least see them around that time instead of eating a box lunch 6,000 miles away in a mess hall. I do appreciate the sacrifices in particular, of the military.
Yes, I think we can thank those who really must work on the holidays. And this includes our active military, as well as first responders (and all the additional folks who work in places like hospitals.
I know that we were given a guilt trip by my MIL for many years when DH was unable to be at her house for Christmas for the first time. And I can also tell you that I resented this because she brought it up again and again. It didn’t help that we invited them to our home for every.single.holiday for many years, and birthdays, and grandparents day. And they never came one time. So…we stopped inviting them.
Thank you all for letting me vent. I think the rigid thinking of my MIL allows me to be a LOT more flexible with holiday celebrations. Heck…last year, we celebrated Easter on a Wednesday.
My husband is a retired pastor. I have felt no end of resentment from my siblings because we refused to make plans with them on Christmas eve, or Christmas day either after we had kids. They seemed to forget every year that pastors usually have to work on Christmas eve.
I could just see a lightbulb going off the last time they complained that we would not make the trip to eat lunch with them on Christmas day. We lived three hours away, which in their opinion was too far for them to drive to see us but not too far for us to drive to see them. When I asked them why they wouldn’t come see us they said because they’d have to leave too early on Christmas morning to get there in time. I looked at them and said that I was not going to require my kids to open their presents, look at them for 3 seconds, and then leave them on the floor to go elsewhere, that my kids Christmas morning was as important as their kids Christmas morning.
I have not heard a peep about meeting on Christmas day since, even though the kids are grown and out of the house now.
We are also now a family of first responders. My daughter is a doctor, several nieces and nephews are doctors or hospital employees. Hospitals never close and the staff needs have it covered 24/7.
The chances of any of the family units within my extended family all being in the same place at the same time are nil, especially at holiday time.
I’m thinking my daughter is going to regret forcing this issue. Her BF wasn’t pushing it and she pushed it for him (his brother is best man and father lives with the brother). I asked daughter if any other relatives from that side of the family were coming and she said she didn’t think so as she only knew of one aunt (father’s sister?) and she can’t come.strong text I think cousins are from his mother’s side. She’s still dreaming of a big happy family for holidays, and as we can tell by this thread, it doesn’t always work out this way.
Families are too hard to manage, especially with holidays. My other daughter is getting married next year on the same day as her BF’s cousin. Daughter is praying the relatives all go to that wedding and not expect to come to hers (she isn’t planning to invite half the state of NJ to hers, so it may work out for the best). Her BF’s brother just got married in Florida during Hurricane Helene and they all arrived from NJ so she’s glad they will have another event to distract them. Me? I’m just hoping to make the cut.
I just reread the text from my son.
He said that they’ve reserved one day of vacation for our family to get together for Christmas. What ever that means.
It definitely does not mean over Christmas. That they spend as a family. They are engineers, neither usually has any obligations over holidays.
The other kid, her husband works over the holidays. Last year he wasn’t able to get off work, just my daughter came to her brothers.
I felt a twinge of recognition in that episode because particularly during the holidays I’m “get out of my kitchen, get out of my kitchen” followed later by “WHY DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF!!??”