<p>(lots of text, bear with me only if you’re interested, otherwise there’s a tl;dr version at the end)</p>
<pre><code> Naturally you would think yes, but maybe this question will be harder to answer after hearing about my background.
I’m currently a full-time student at a local community college. My work ethic in high school was extremely inconsistent. Due to this I barely cracked a weighted 3.0 GPA, no astounding ECs, a few APs, and an excellent ACT score (SAT was terrible though). I could have gone to one of the CSUs and had some college fun, but I put that idea behind me in favor of getting a second shot at the UC system. I have a few reasons for doing this; having the urge to prove to my peers/family that I can get accepted to the top-tier UCs and wanting to continue track and field in college, but my main motivation behind this is to be able to attend the UC that a longtime crush of mine is at.
I’ve had a crush on this girl since the sixth grade. We had a bunch of classes together in middle school, but I never bothered to tell her how much I really liked her. High school rolled around and I basically forgot about her during my freshman and sophomore year, but I assure that it wasn’t due to a lack of interest on my part. First off, I didn’t really see her that much at the time because we didn’t share any classes together. Second, the beginning of high school marked a decline in my life that wouldn’t stop until I graduated. I went into the ninth grade with my Grandpa on his death bed and my Grandma teetering on the edge of a mental disorder. I was very close with them, and I knew I would be devastated if my worst thoughts became a reality. They eventually did.
In the meantime, my freshman year was academically decent relative to the rest of high school, but it was a disappointment considering how I was in middle school. This was also the year that I began to develop bad study habits. I would constantly blow off assignments until the last minute (if I turned them in at all), skim or skip reading the textbook, and deprive myself of sleep by staying up late on school nights and wasting my time with whatever video game or thing on the Internet that interested me at the moment.
Come sophomore year my Grandpa passed away and my Grandma completely lost it. She refused to take her medication and regressed into schizophrenia. I didn’t have a good idea of how to deal with a death in the family, and I felt even more confused in regards to my Grandma falling victim to a mental disorder. She did a complete 180 in terms of personality in almost a year. She used to be someone I could look to for help. Chances are, if I had a question and my parents didn’t know, and certainly if my Grandpa didn’t know, then my Grandma would definitely know. But then she changed, and I understand why, but it was all very scary for me at the time. There would be times where she would speak as if she was ten years old, and at other times she would start yelling about how the world was coming to end. It’s as if she was a different person. At one point she became a danger to herself and we had to register her at a mental hospital.
Needless to say, I hated my life during my sophomore year, and that kind of attitude was reflected in both my grades and my personality. I clashed a lot with my parents and grew socially distant.
Now junior year came along and things weren’t all bad; they were more bittersweet. On one hand I was still a negative person. I would question why I was in school and why I should bother to leave the house everyday. I felt that my life lacked purpose. There wasn’t a bigger picture for me to look forward to. It’s a terrible feeling to get out of bed everyday and wish that you would never wake up.
On the other hand, it turned out that I had a bunch of classes with that girl who I crushed on throughout middle school! It gradually came back to me how much I still really liked her, and it especially hit me full force the night of my junior year homecoming. It was on that night that I experienced a euphoria that I had never felt before. I realized that who I had found to be the cutest girl I had ever seen grew up to be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I’ve thought about her everyday since that night.
A series of indecision befell me for the rest of the academic year. I did not ask her to a dance on that night, nor did I make an effort to talk to her in our classes. This was also the year when I discovered track and field. She was a distance runner, and I was a pole vaulter. I had plenty of opportunities at track meets, and I seized none of them.
And like practically every high school, junior year is the time where The Great Gatsby makes it into every student’s English class. It wasn’t hard for me to relate to Gatsby. That novel touched me like nothing I had read before. Everything about that book, from Fitzgerald’s beautiful prose to the involving themes, was perfect. I make sure to take one setting each summer and winter to read it again, although nothing will compare to the experience of my first reading. The Great Gatsby made me realize that I was in love.
I had an epiphany over the summer between my junior and senior year. I was going to finally tell her what I was feeling. Also, I planned to take a light schedule. At that point I knew that I had failed in high school to dress myself as a competitive applicant to prestigious colleges. I knew that community college was in my future.
I went on a lot of wild adventures with my friends that year. For once in my life it felt good to lack purpose. Ridiculously fun times were had. Senior year is the only high school year that I can look back on and laugh about. I also frown upon it because I really showed how much of a lazy bum I could be.
And it wasn’t all that enjoyable. It took me a long time to be able to tell that girl about how I felt about her. My nonchalant schedule separated me from her. She loaded up on APs that year, plus she had foregone track and joined the academic decathlon. My high school’s team was pretty hardcore. She’s always been a busy person, but especially that year I could hardly even get the time from her.
I also regard this time to be a low-point when it comes to my character because I had succumbed to envy. You see, the academic decathlon is a major time investment. I would always think about how she was in a room with a bunch of other guys (although the team was pretty even in terms of gender) for hours studying with them. Not only that, but they travel to competitions out-of-state, and they’re led by a great mentor figure (the deca coach at my school was my English teacher my junior year, and I know for sure what an amazing woman she is). Naturally, people bond when they have to work together and go through mutual struggles. Also, strings are pulled at my high school to make sure that all the decathletes can take mostly the same rigorous AP schedule with each other. And it’s typical for them to go the prom as a group. They do everything together.
I swear, there were times my senior year where I felt like I was going to go insane! I would have killed for an opportunity like that! If someone told me five years ago that all I had to do was prove myself that I was academic decathlon worthy in order to spend countless hours with her our senior year; I would have graduated at the top of my class! And you know what, she did bond with someone. They were both A-team students. He was a junior. Nothing really happened, but they could have had a relationship.
A friend of mine once caught me staring at them around lunchtime. I most likely didn’t have a pleasing countenance based on his remark. First off, what he said makes sense knowing that he’s a huge Shakespeare buff and that I have hazel eyes (they look green in the light if you don’t know…) You’re living too much in the sun, man. Your eyes are green! You’ve turned into a green-eyed monster! It was something along the lines of that. Yeah, it was cheesy, but his nerdy sense of humor kind of cheered me up. I did reply with something equally poetic along the lines of they spend more time together than they do in the sun; of course I can’t help but be a green-eyed monster.
But nonetheless, it was very true. I was jealous. Jealous enough to feel evil. I wanted to hurt this guy and I didn’t even know him. I was ashamed of myself, but I couldn’t help but be jealous. And it was probably more than just the jealousy over how much time he spent with her. It’s also the matter of him being the kind of student that I wish I could have been.
One of the books we read in my senior year English class was Mrs. Dalloway, and while it didn’t feel as powerful to me as The Great Gatsby, I identified much with Peter Walsh. At one point one of the characters (I think it was Lady Bruton) thinks of him as that very able fellow who should have made a name for himself but hadn’t. That’s pretty much high school in a nutshell for me. For the first time I had felt like I actually failed something. I felt like a failure. And then there’s how hard it was for Peter to be in love with Clarissa, but she’s married to Richard, and that he fails to convince himself that he’s not in love with her. Often that year I felt it would be better to convince myself to forget about who I was in love with, but this did more harm than good. It’s like it’s natural for me to be in love with her, and pushing that away feels like the equivalent of attempting to stop a heart from beating.
Eventually, I told her about how I felt, and I did ask her to the prom, but that guy had beat me one month prior. She did, however, react favorable to what I said, well, at first. I feel like after a few months the the initial excitement of me saying I’ve had a crush on you since the sixth grade wore off. It’s more of a speculative thing, but I think I didn’t do enough during that last semester to convince her that I was sincere in my words, especially because I let her know how jealous I was. But I felt like I had no choice. I had to let her know the whole truth.
She gave a speech at my graduation. My school was a bit weird in that the valedictorian doesn’t have to give a speech (and he didn’t). It was a volunteer thing for students with a 3.0 and above (so even I could have gave one), but she was in the top ten of my class (out of like 750-800 students, I swear, anyone in the top ten could have been a valedictorian at smaller schools).
Maybe I’ve given a shallow impression as to why I’m in love with her. It’s not just because of how beautiful I think she is. A lot of it has to do with how great she is. During her speech, my Mom overheard a woman next to her say she’s such a wonderful young woman and she’ll be an amazing person someday. And I couldn’t agree more with that statement. She has such a strong work ethic. Throughout high school she played sports, was an active girl scout, played in the concert band, took part in the academic decathlon, and was an excellent student. Plus, she has a sweet personality and was brought up with a solid religious upbringing. When I think of an ideal good person, I think of her. I remember talking with my English teacher junior year about The Crucible after school, and at one point we brought her up. My teacher made fun of her saying that she needs to speak up more in class discussions since she’ll most likely be a CEO at some big company someday. I was like but she’s such a good reader! It was fun hearing her read Abigail’s lines, not only because I think she has a beautiful voice, but because she read with such passion. Nobody is perfect, but she’s close.
I remember when we were both in the concert band in middle school, and out of all the instruments she could have chose, she decided upon the freaking bassoon. Me; I became a flute player because it was accessible, fun, and had a nice timbre. But the bassoon! I swear, she’s the kind of person that had to challenge herself. She was our only bassoonist too.
Needless to say, I’ve been inspired. I feel like I have a purpose in life now. I have the drive to go out and let the world know that I can be great person, but it’s not just for me. I want to impress her. I want to show her that you can be born again at eighteen and be just as amazing as someone who has been great from adolescence and beyond.
How am I going to do this? Well, I’m starting out small at a community college. I will get accepted to Berkeley and UCLA, but it’s UCSD that I will go to. After all, that’s what she chose. I know of the rankings difference, but prestige doesn’t matter to me. Apparently it didn’t to her considering she chose SD over LA. And I don’t see why the numbers game should be relevant to me. To most people they are, but these are the same kind of people who most likely aren’t in love yet.
But my decision to transfer to UCSD isn’t all on her. That’s where I’ll most likely be able to continue pole vaulting after community college. I did mention that I didn’t take part in track and field until my junior year of high school. Two years was not enough time for me to grow as a pole vaulter. My community college has given me the opportunity to pursue this for another two seasons, and I have access to a fantastic coach now. Note that I’m not an amazing athlete, so Berkeley and UCLA (D1 schools) are most likely out of the question in terms of athletics, but UCSD is a D2 school. I’ve talked to the track coach; he told me what I need to jump; and I know I can accomplish it prior to my transfer.
A third reason I would go to UCSD is so that I can minor in accounting. I think it would be wise for me to learn some sort of practical knowledge during my four years of college since I plan on majoring in English (if you didn’t notice from how passionate I tend to get about literature). Now, I still have no idea what kind of career path that I would like to pursue, but I think this route would be wiser than just a liberal arts degree alone from Berkeley/UCLA. After all, I might want to become an accountant.
UCSD has everything for me. I can learn something practical, continue in the sport that I’m passionate about, continue my studies in what I’m passionate about, and chase the person that I’m passionate about. I’ve talked to my parents about this and made it clear what is motivating me. My Dad (who is helping me finance my education) is completely behind it. In fact, he’s overjoyed that I have finally have willpower in my life. He’s been trying to motivate me for years, and he figures that if it has to be for some girl, then that’s what it takes. It’s better than nothing.
And I don’t think I could bear Berkeley. That’s very far away from La Jolla. At least I’m within an okay distance from her at the moment. I’ve taken the train a couple times to visit her (don’t have a car sigh) this quarter. Going to Berkeley would eliminate that. Then I would never see her. It’s already bad now. I truly never even see her since I’m not even on Facebook anymore. I got the idea from my high school’s valedictorian. He hardly logs on, and I don’t think his profile photo has been updated since about 2010. Obviously, the guy has better things to do.
I’ve never believed in myself this much. I believe I can do everything I’ve said, so much that it’s like I’m filling in the blanks between now and then as what I need to do will be done. It’s because she’s inspired me and I have this power that I’ve never had until now. This book I’m reading, Think and Grow Rich, alludes to this feeling. Some men know that they are being influenced by the women of their choice, but they tactfully refrain from rebelling against the influence because they are intelligent enough to know that no man is happy or complete without the modifying influence of the right woman. The man who does not recognize this important truth deprives himself of the power which has done more to help men achieve success than all other forces combined. I couldn’t agree more. And I will go to UCSD even if she is in a relationship with another man by the time I transfer. I have to chase her. I know that if I never make an honest effort in pursuing her that I will regret it for the rest of my life, just as I regret not doing so in the past.
It’s great too because these two years will give me time to mature. As evident by what I did in my senior year, I’m probably too immature at the moment to be in a relationship with a woman like her. And I still have a jealousy problem. Another reason that I don’t go on Facebook is because I don’t want to see her with another man. It’s bound to happen. She joined a sorority, and they naturally have exchanges with other fraternities. Could a relationship come out of this? I don’t know, and frankly, it’s none of my business to be Facebook stalking her anyway. I have to worry about self-improvement for now. But I really don’t know whether or not she’s interested in dating. Throughout high school she never dated. She made sure to focus on her academics and ECs. Her group of friends were basically all girls. The only time she would spend with boys was during her ECs. Maybe she’s prude, or it could be because she’s Catholic. But all of this could go the other way. Maybe she’s boy crazy now since it would be a new thing to her. And she is Catholic, so if she did find someone to be in a relationship with, surely it would be the real deal. It would be far worse than if she dated regularly. It’s like a casual thing in that case, but here some great man would have to swoop her off of her feet, and then they could get married. I think too much about all of this, hence why I’ve ditched Facebook in favor of self-analysis.
But I do believe it would take a great man to convince her of someone being relationship worry. I mean, it’s the same for most women. They like successful men. It’s natural. Successful guy = better chance at good offspring (I took a biological anthropology class this semester and it’s rubbing off on me). I know that’s not everything though. I’m not relying on a naturalistic fallacy, but I honestly believe that she’ll find me far more attractive if I return to her life as a more mature, collegiate pole vaulting, student that had what it took to get accepted to Cal. Surely this would convince her about what I told her my senior year. All that stuff about what I felt and how she’s inspired me; it would no longer sound over-dramatic. It would be sincere and truthful because I went out and proved myself.
And I have had a great semester so far. I feel academically strong going into finals next week. Not only that, but I feel a lot stronger physically and faster due to the way I’ve been pushing myself in track practice. Really improved in the pole vault. This upcoming season is going to be great. Also, I go to church regularly now. I know that my jealousy flaw is a major problem, and I feel like it’s something I can only overcome with God’s help.
I might be missing out on the college experience having chosen the community route, but I still feel like it’s the greatest decision that I’ve ever made so far. My experience is an alternative one. Some people go to college to experience a whole different way of life. I’m going to college for redemption. I’ve been given a second chance educationally, athletically, and romantically. Redemption might not be as fun compared to the self-indulgence that my buddies are experiencing at their state schools (they all joined frats and are swimming in booze, drugs, and girls; they love telling me their stories), but I’ve never felt this good about myself. I feel like I’m really making a difference in my life. I’ve made a complete 180 in terms of work ethic and I’ve never been this focused before. I can actually say that I have goals now. Feels like I’m laying down a good foundation for the rest of my life.
And I don’t mean to knock my friends. These guys didn’t get to party often in high school. We were a mischievous group, and thus we were outside the caste system. This doesn’t get you too many girls or into many parties. We weren’t unpopular, and we did crazy stuff, but we definitely wouldn’t fit in with the preppy crowd. So now they’re off living a life that they’ve never lived before, and I’m happy for them. But that’s not the kind of person that I want to be. It like I skipped from eighteen to my thirties right after graduating high school. There’s that quote that says show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are. If this is true then my friends are an indicator of what I could have been, but certainly not who I want to be.
I had always admired how my Grandma and Grandpa loved each other. They had a long-lasting and happy marriage. I understand why my Grandma fell apart after his death. They were one-of-a-kind together. My parents split up when I was about seven, and while I am very lucky to have both of them involved in my life, I wish I could have been raised in a family environment. Neither of them have found someone else to confidently fall in love with and marry too. I’m afraid of ending up like them. Maybe the bigger picture in my life is for me to go out and be successful in order to start a family with someone I love; be like my grandparents and not my parents.
tl;dr I am in the best shape of my life physically, mentally, and morally because of a girl that I am both inspired by and in love with. Is it wrong to pick a college for that reason? Am I setting myself up for disappointment? What am I to do if I abandon chasing her? I don’t want to go back to lacking a purpose in life. If I find myself in that position again then I’ll most likely join the military. At least then I’ll have some place in the world.
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