<p>The Mom in the above article is looking for a woman to de-virginize her adopted Down’s Syndrome son. She’s willing to pay a hooker and has even set up a website looking for “dates” for her son. </p>
<p>Does anyone else out there feel that this Mom has crossed the line in her parenting duties?</p>
<p>I can imagine doing the basic deed, ie arranging a “date” for your handicapped son. Maybe take a trip to Vegas (or the neighboring county) What I can’t imagine is setting up a website or otherwise publicizing it.</p>
<p>i think it is crossing the line definitely.just say for instance, that he impregnates the girl he has sex with. how is he supposed to provide for a child and handle the responsibility of being a parent? even if he didnt have downsyndrome, the mother is out of line</p>
<p>I think it is great for Downs adults to be able to have caring relationships (one of my Mum’s work colleagues had a Downs daughter who got married to another Downs adult). But arranging for him to lose his virginity to a hooker - words fail me (polite ones anyway).</p>
<p>OMG!! Thats practically child abuse!! I have a disabled son, who just turned 22 today, as a matter of fact…and the very very very last thing, I am thinking about, is his lack of sex life! I try very hard to not encourage him to think that way, telling him, its really for married people. I wouldn’t want the responsibilty of worrying about how he’d be if he liked it…(which he probably would) Disabled people don’t think the same way we do…well, certain types of disabilities that is. I know that during puberty, we had trouble getting him to understand certain boundries, and that boys need to spend time in their rooms alone sometimes…if you all get my gist. I would not in my wildest dream provide a hooker for my son…ewww ewwwwww ewwwww. What mom thinks that way?! Good lord! She is insane, in my book.</p>
<p>Disabled children often depend on their parents for more than what is traditionally expected from a mother or father. Parents, whether or not they want to, suddenly have to become the children’s primary social counterparts.</p>
<p>I’m a full-time student. At night, I bartend. Every Saturday I have a family that comes in with their physically disabled son. He’s twenty-two, has difficulty walking/speaking without some assistance and interpretation. He drinks bloody marys, his mom has to order them for him, and, she’s told me, if it wasn’t for her and his siblings, he’d have no friends.</p>
<p>So, the question of the line often changes depending on which hat the parent is wearing. In this case, yes, the parent has likely crossed the line. The mother is the primary decision maker for the child - a decision like this compromises a child personal, physical sovereignty.</p>
<p>Well, again…I have a physically and mentally disabled son. I also wouldn’t ever order him a Bloody Mary. He already has issues with his brain, why risk hurting any other brain cells?! I agree, the social circle built around my son, is mainly family and close freinds. He is with me all the time…I’m his social director, his mom, his everything…and now, I’m also his legal guardian. </p>
<p>There was a very good point in a previous point, about what happens if the girl gets pregnant? It would be the mom who’d be responsible for the child support to her grandchild. I would LOVE to think that maybe down the line, there will be a “romance” in my son’s life, but developmentally he is about 9yr old in most ways. Physically he’s a man. Its certainly a tough one, and something that I and other parents in a support group often talk about. There are a few girls around my sons age, who’s moms have told me its alot more difficult to try to deal with girls, because they have no sense of right and wrong, and could easily be mishandled by someone…I mean, if I’m not with my son…if he’s out with a group of kids he knows, and some aides…I will take his debit card out of his wallet, and just leave a small amount of cash for him. They are also easily conned. Good lord, the last thing I will spend time worrying about is his sex life. He has a very nice quality of life, for his capabilities. </p>
<p>Once a disabled child becomes legal age, the parents have to go to court to become the legal guardian. Seemed so weird to me, but its a law in NJ. I am the one who makes all decisions for my son. I always try to consider his feelings, and if he asks for anything in particular, he normally gets it. He’s very very innocent still. I wouldn’t taint that for the world.</p>
<p>I just don’t feel as dismissive as all of you seem to feel. Obviously, this is weird. But it is not necessarily the case that the mother is acting as primary decisionmaker for her son. She’s using the web to find prospective girlfriends – that’s no big deal. She might be willing to hire a prostitute. Guess what? Lots of young men who are their own primary decisionmakers make that decision without consulting their mums. Maybe this young man needs extra help from his, but it’s not a choice that no rational person would make, and he may well have made the choice himself. (I am not a big fan of prostitution, but if it has a beneficial social function, this may be it.)</p>
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<p>It’s not fair for me to judge anyone on the basis of one sentence, so I apologize for this. But if I had to choose between hooker-seeking mom in the article, and this position of papagena’s (and those were the only two choices), I would definitely go with hooker-seeking mom. I’m sure that there are lots of good reasons why papagena takes the position she does, but I am very troubled by the notion of denying a disabled person any access to sex because “it’s really for married people” and what if he liked it?</p>
<p>Sure, there are some lines being crossed here. A mother shouldn’t have to hire a hooker for her son. But I shouldn’t have to clean up my mother-in-law’s poop, either, and I do that all the time. When you are taking care of someone who can’t navigate basic needs alone, you wind up crossing line. It doesn’t help to go “ewwww ewwwww ewwwwww”.</p>
<p>As for pregnancy (or AIDS): There’s a need to make sure he does what any responsible adult would do. Use a condom. (Another advantage to hiring a professional – no chance of getting THAT wrong.)</p>
<p>I don’t think you can equate caregiving your MIL with setting up a sex match for your son. DS kids have a number of social networks where they can meet with those of the opposite sex, and many of them do end up in intimate relationships. It’s a tough thing to navigate as a parent because it is often not a subject that was contemplated when raising a disabled child, but there is more discussion and information than ever before. I think it’s going way over the line to set up your kid for sex.</p>
<p>When I said, I tell him its something for married people…I am not a prude first of all. i just know that he is not ready in any sense at all to be in a sexual relationship. As I said there may come a day where he would meet someone like himself, and we would be happy to encourage a relationship. But, I don’t see what the big rush is. Actually, all thru school, he’s had a “girlfreind”, and he still does, lol. They live in 2 different states now, but still visit every now and then, and talk on the phone and computer. I can tell you just by watching them, it is like seeing 6 yr olds with their first crushes. I just don’t get why a mom would be pushing this. I will also say, that just because he “wants” something doesn’t mean its a good choice for him at this point in his development. He could want lots of unhealthy things too, but I don’t allow any of that near him. Over protective? Of course I am!! He is 100% dependent on me…he can’t even tie his shoes or read & write. To me, those are more important things for us to be working on, then worrying about a sex life, that he’s not ready for. </p>
<p>I can see other peoples point of view, that its a nice thing and all that. It is…when the time is right. And is there anything really wrong with telling my son to wait for marriage? I didn’t tell my other 2 that, and I’m betting they may not have, but I don’t want to be involved in my adult childrens choices about when and if they are having sex. Thats their business now. My other son, isn’t in the same category, simply because of his disabilities. The truth is, he is a happy kid. No need for us to hire a hooker to cheer him up, lol. I said it already and I’m sticking with it.</p>
<p>Lady, what? Life isn’t like that. You don’t go down a checklist, marking off Life Experiences because “everyone else does this or that.” It leads everyone on a different path. Ironically, the mom herself doesn’t have a boyfriend or husband. Does she consider herself a “failure” at life? </p>
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<p>Yeeeeah, that’s the basis of a good relationship, all right. Maybe a hooker is a better idea than a girlfriend. I can’t help but think of that Pink song, “I’m not here for your entertainment . . . It’s just you and your hand tonight.”</p>
<p>Last night I watched The Secret Life of The American Teenager with my niece. They have a white Down Syndrome character who I would guess is in his 20’s, dating a black young women and there’s a lot of sexual innuendo. </p>
<p>Interesting and nice to see a prime time show aimed at young teens tackling both interracial dating and the disabled dating in one young couple.</p>
<p>I agree with a lot of what papengena said. The life experiences of a mentally challenged individual should not be determined by any yardstick but their own–based on their own social, emotional and mental age and not their chronological age. I have a 17-yr old nephew with specials needs who, although he may be going through the same hormonal changes as other teens, he does not experience or understand them in the same way since, emotionally and intellectually, he is more like a 5-yr old. (Would we encourage a 5-yr old - or even a 13-yr old - to have sex just because, for example, he happened to be capable of performing the physical act?)</p>
<p>STD’s are an issue. Getting a partner pregnant is not an issue; there appears to be only one instance in research history of a male with down syndrome getting someone pregnant.</p>
<p>Here is a fairly good summary of research that’s been done on sexuality and down syndrome:</p>
<p>Thank you scanmom, you did understand what I was trying to say. Moms are normally very protective of their “disabled” children. Lots of barriers we have to get thru. This is just NOT at the top of our priority list.</p>
<p>I agree. My best friend’s boy is developmentally delayed. He is 12 chronologically but more like 7 socially and mentally and they don’t know how much he will progress developmentally. His Mom worries what puberty will bring as he already cannot control his feelings and emotions appropriately.</p>
Moms are normally very protective of their “disabled” children. Lots of barriers we have to get thru. This is just NOT at the top of our priority list.</p>