My daughter, a junior, had a small group of girls sleeping over last night. The conversation got around to colleges, and one girl was sort of grilling the other girls on what their top choice was at the moment, what their grades were, etc. My daughter happened to be one of the kids that happily told her that she had recently fallen in love with a particular reachy college, that it was perfect in every way, etc. I don’t know why exactly, but it bothered me a little that she was being so open about it - but maybe it’s that the line of questioning was bothering me in general (and the girl who was asking the questions wasn’t giving any info herself). My D is generally a very open person and it is part of what makes her special - she doesn’t play games about things, she is loyal, etc. so it’s not as if I want to squelch that part of her personality. And I would never tell her to keep secrets about her own life if she didn’t want to keep them. But - is there any reason that kids do keep this to themselves, other than the obvious one that they might not want to have to share any disappointments with the world if a rejection comes? Thank you!
Our kids politely declined to discuss college choices at all. Their response was the same…“I have lots of good ideas. I’ll be sharing my final choice after I make a decision where I will be attending college.”
And they did this even with the relatives…including the grandparents.
I totally agreed with this. Too much drama with the discussions. And what is the point?
I know exactly what you mean. My daughter is also very open. She’s not someone who would keep a rejection private so why not tell where’s she’s applying is her philosophy. It would have made her unhappy not to talk about it. She liked hashing it out with her friends. have to respect that part of her personality and not try to manage what she puts out there based on my feelings.
There is no right or wrong way to handle it, whatever works for their personality is the way to go. Some of the reasons people choose to keep it private could be:
It is easier for the student to evaluate their school choices without a bunch of people who aren’t them chiming in on what is good or bad for them.
There is also a lot less pressure while waiting for decision time and less annoying not having to relive a million times over that you didn’t get in when people ask about it.
You don’t have to deal with the disappointment for yourself along with explaining to everyone or dealing with other peoples disappointment if you don’t get in or simply choose not to go even if you did get in.
From a selfish point, if you find a perfect school for you, and plan to apply but xyz who never heard of the school is now, based on your decision, also applying. It increases the competition within your school which some people think hurts their admissions chances.
I am sure there are other reasons too, but those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.
I would think that most high school juniors would have better things to talk about than colleges. That’s probably the best reason I can think of for students who don’t want to “share” their college lists.
Thinking back, I don’t think I had a clue as a junior where I wanted to go.
There’s no right or wrong way for students to handle this, IMO.
I don’t see any problem with kids discussing these things. They know what the academic pecking order is, especially, in smaller high schools. They know that kids will go different places and do different things after high school. Many of them have ‘dream’ schools and by junior or senior year they understand that different families have different financial situations. I never heard my oldest two “talk” about college with their friends, but my youngest ran with a different kind of crowd and they did talk about college…many of his friends were being recruited for athletics so the topic was often discussed. So I had two that kept things close to their chest and rarely “talked” and one that it was a major topic of discussion starting junior year. I don’t see it as a “secretive” process and I think it has alot to do with the dynamics of the group of friends.
On the flip side, in my particular group of friends we never talked about our kids much other than to share where our kids were going once the big decisions were made, but from these forums it sounds like their are groups of adults who do discuss their kids college application process. I’ve simply concluded that there is not right, wrong, or standard protocol.
While my children were looking, I was happy to talk with other parents about the schools they did not like, and would not apply to. Many of those schools were reaches for anyone, so I could say things like, “well, we visited Harvard, but it wasn’t their cup of tea.” I was careful to praise the colleges–that was easy.
I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business where a classmate is applying. The OP’s description of the sleepover grilling makes me wonder if the girl doing the grilling felt very pressured by the process, or her parents.
I think it’s a mistake to put too much faith into classmates’ answers to such questions, anyways. Trying to decide where to apply based on where you think “competitors” are applying is just too complex.
My D is about to graduate from a school we might have missed if two of her friends hadn’t visited it and returned saying “you know, I can really see you here”.
The nuances of social etiquette can be complicated. Hard to explain teenager. We all have to learn a lot of these things the hard way. Nothing wrong with discussing it necessarily, but it is good to be sensitive to how one is being perceived and how you are making someone feel.
My son’s best friend didn’t make the freshman basketball team this year. My son was welcomed onto the team after cross country season finished (ultimately to a long season sitting on the bench primarily, but he was on the team anyway). When they hang out, if my son spends the entire time going on and on about the basketball team, hey do you like how cool this warm-up jacket looks, next year my goal is to start varsity, etc. If my son does that, and wonders why his best friend suddenly has better things to do than hang out with him, then that would be a teachable moment I think.
Only from this perspective I think you have to be careful. It has good to be open and hope for the best in other people, especially your close friends. A mature kind person I think can go a step further, remembers his or her audience, and actually tries to bring out the best in other people. I think such a person is careful in these situations. A lot to expect of a young person obviously.
I think it’s normal for juniors to discuss potential college lists. It’s when someone starts grilling someone else about grades (or test scores) that I think it gets awkward. That’s where I would tell my kid to politely dodge the question. Sounds like the classmate in the OP’s story was trying to size up the competition. Actually I remember about a year ago when one of D’s classmates (another high stats honors student) asked her what her top choice was. She said Pomona. He responded: “Don’t you want to go to someplace selective?” He didn’t know anything about Pomona or the Claremont consortium. To make a long story short, he then looked into them and applied (and has been waitlisted) at both Pomona and Harvey Mudd.
My own kid was pretty private about it. All her years of theatre auditioning taught her that you never ask someone what’s in their resume, you don’t talk about your experience in the waiting room and you never discuss your audition with those up for the same part. That’s a pretty good approach with college applications too. Every kid should have someone to commiserate with over the stress and anxiety of the experience but it’s best to stick to feelings and forgo the details. What’s perfect is a friend who is a year younger or a year older and not applying the same season or a friend who is going for something totally different (like D was going for pure academics while her confidant was going the audition route for BFA’s… same stress and feelings, not in competition with each other!)
That said, some kids are really public with every aspect of their application process and seem to really need the public validation and hand-holding. I’m not going to say that is “wrong” because people are different. However, I do notice that the more extroverted applicants tend to talk a lot more than they listen and could use sensitivity training.
There is no need to disclose college choices, but no problems neither. The only people students should NEVER discuss such issues with are … members of the press. Avoid those vultures like the pest. Only negatives come from making personal choices public, even if the ego flattering is hard to resist.
My kids kept everything close to the vest. They went to boarding schools where the majority of kids were bright and therefore many were looking at the same range of schools. It helped keep stress and competition at bay if it just wasn’t talked about.
They seldom chose to talk about it with relatives or other people as well. The majority of people are fairly clueless when it comes to colleges especially since my kids focused on smaller schools. Most know either only the Ivies and those schools who are known for their football and basketball teams, or there info is based on their own dated preconceptions from 30 or more years ago. When grandma doesn’t know Penn State from UPenn and Grandpa thinks all his grandkids are Harvard caliber, its better just to keep mum.
The other benefit of the kids choosing not to disclose was that when the nosier parents on the sidelines of school would ask about SAT scores, college lists, etc. it was easy to say that child was private about such things and hadn’t given us permission to talk about it.
Spring junior year seems a little early for this, but I remember my senior year back in the days of dinosaurs (at boarding school) and we talked about grades, scores and colleges pretty much non-stop from October through April when the decisions finally came in. Sharing has never seemed like a big deal to me, but of course you have a perfect right to be vague, undecided or just refuse to divulge. Whatever floats your boat.
My father never did understand why none of his grandkids went to Harvard. (Some because they didn’t get in and some because they had other schools they liked better.) It was kind of a running joke - since he had no short term memory he had no idea he asked the same questions every single time we saw him.
In our own personal situation, we decided to keep it quiet. For some people, they think it’s their business to know every little minute of the search & decision process and also to suggest. You know your kids best. As soon as you tell one person, you open it up to a flood of people that want to know, advise, etc. For us it was best to keep it quiet across the board to everyone, so we could process the college trips, applications and everything that goes along with it ourselves. People feel like giving you advice even (and especially) when you don’t ask for it! It’s like telling people the names you’re thinking of for your children…people don’t have filters (!) and they’ll tell you what they think even if you don’t ask their opinion! For us, it was better not to say anything until the child made their own decision. I agree with mathmom…whatever floats your boat. Some people share & talk about it non stop with everyone, for us, we kept it much more low key & private.
Discretion didn’t seem like a bad idea to me, though I am not sure exactly how much my kids shared with their peers until the choice was made.
Really, what matters most to me is the tone of the conversations. DD was interrogated by a friend’s parent not only about her choice, but where her parents attended. His response to our shared alma mater was “oh, that’s where people who wanted to go the local Ivy go if they can’t get in”. I did let the kids know the info was theirs to share or not, but that people think about the process in different ways.
It wasn’t a big deal for us. My kids and pretty much all of their friends were applying to various state u’s.
S1 got some comments from adults when they heard he was doing NROTC but it didn’t bother him.
D’s very small school has the kids start thinking about college/careers in 6th grade. They start with “What do you want to be when you grow up?” and by the start of Senior year, they are ready to fill out applications-on school time. The school, and the foundation that supports it, celebrates ALL admissions, whether to an Ivy to to one of the local community colleges. The kids genuinely support each other. I wish all kids felt is was ok to talk college plans and not pretend they didn’t know so as not to spill the beans to a competitor.
Our D plans on applying to duel enrollment programs next year-as a junior. These are common at the schools on her list. Our (or her) conversions differ depending on who we’re talking to.
1-Various friends and my relatives: “So I see your D is already looking at colleges. What are some of them?” We name some. “Never heard of those. Where are they?” We explain they are southern HBCU’s. “What’s an HBCU?” We explain they are historically black colleges. “You know there are good WHITE colleges too, right?” We explain D feels an HBCU is best for her and the short version why. “Huh. Learn something new every day…”
2-D’s friends: “Cool. I’m applying to…local flagship/community college/Ivy/engineering powerhouse/HBCU. What’s your major going to be? Maybe we’ll be classmates!”
3-H’s relatives and people at D’s church: “Oh! I have a niece/nephew/granddaughter/son/coworker who went to that HBCU. I’ll give you their number so you can get in touch! Good luck! What do you want to study?”
There is a similar set of questions and answers for why she wants to be “just a teacher”. But that’s another thread…
Back in the day when I applied, I definitely kept the process to myself. From my standpoint, I didn’t want to have to discuss it with anyone if I didn’t get in, and my first choice was a local ivy that already gets a ton of applicants from my school (probably 20-40/yr) – last thing I needed was 8 more people suddenly saying – hey maybe I should go ED there too.
In retrospect, I would have been ok sharing re campus visits. I don’t think there’s any harm in saying to friends or classmates – we went to Georgetown this weekend, you know I really like DC. It doesn’t commit you to applying. But what it does is sometimes open you up to the grilling that OP’s daughter faced – what are you SAT scores; do you think you have enough APs for Gtown, are you going to take more etc. As a grown adult, I have no problem saying “I’d rather not get into specifics,” but as a teen I had a harder time with that – dealt with it by not opening the door to that conversation at all.
I guess it depends on how confident you are, or how much you care. Unless I was really excited about a particular school I was applying to (I am a senior by the way), I didn’t share unless someone asked me. But the people who asked were my friends, and I’m really not the type to say no to them.
However one of my other friends wishes she kept her list a secret because adults and friends keep asking her about decisions and she’d have to tell them how she didn’t get into a particular college and such.
I sort of wish I hadn’t told but I guess we all grill each other, and that’s just part of the process. At our school, everyone knows each other’s decisions, and I suppose it’s give and take.