Both Ds and their friends were fairly quiet about where they applied. I was surprised to find that the kids didn’t talk that much about college selection.
What some call “private,” others may call “secretive” or “sneaky.” How do you want it spun? If they want to talk let them. If not, well don’t.
I am forever grateful for the friend who took my ds college-hunting with hers. We could never have afforded a long, multi-city trip like they did, but, because she knew our sons were interested in the same three Midwest colleges, she offered to let ds fly out to meet them on that part of the trip so it only cost us the price of his airfare. He graduated from one of the schools he first saw with them, and that may not have happened had we not discussed his list.
ETA: The talking about colleges in the OP didn’t bother me, but the prying into GPA bugged me, especially because the other girl didn’t share.
The biggest problem that I see with juniors talking about college choices comes with what happens later when the applications, scores, etc come into focus. At DS school plenty of kids declared they were going to go to UCLA, Harvard, Northwestern, Notre Dame. When reality hit, most happily ended up at Butler, Valparaiso, IU, Purdue. Those that were very vocal about wanting to attend the reach schools felt embarrassed that they didn’t get into these reach schools instead of simply enjoying the last few days of high school.
“What some call “private,” others may call “secretive” or “sneaky.” How do you want it spun? If they want to talk let them. If not, well don’t.”
I love “secretive” or “sneaky” being used to describe things that are no one else’s business!
Two thoughts come to mind:
“Be vewy quiet. I’m hunting colleges.” – E.Fudd
“That’s right, Pizzagirl!” – D.Cheney
(And perhaps this means it’s time to go make some coffee.)
I just did, SOG!
My son was open about applying as a junior. He got in trouble for taking 5 classes at the local U first semester of junior year, and got reamed by school administrators. His GC suggested he apply to colleges, even though he would have to get in LORs the next day. Son told his close friends, and one of them decided to do the same. This friend applied to the state flagship, and got in. Son applied to 6 colleges.
My sister and family decided not to tell anyone about the highly competitive applications for a couple of reasons…
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The boys attend a small private school and they didn’t want to encourage others to apply to the same places. A couple of their apps were to top schools that are popular here on CC, but really aren’t that well-known in Calif. As a matter of fact, when they were accepted, many in their social circle said, “where is that? I’ve never heard of that school.”
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They wanted to avoid the drama if they weren’t accepted.
They did tell others about their regular list…the UCs, the CSUs, and other less competitive privates.
They wanna save face. If they get rejected, they don’t have to explain it. My mom told everyone that I wanted to go to USC and I got rejected. I’ve moved on from the rejection, but always having to explain that I got rejected and how I don’t know why I got rejected in annoying.
I think you have to know who you would be telling…some people won’t filter their thoughts if you aim too high (according to them) or too low (according to the) or they never heard of it, or this other college is better.
As a junior, among my close friends we talk about it a ton. With other peers not really. Most of my friends are looking at more selective schools(Colgate, American, Brown, Trinity College, Northeastern) than I am. It is not big deal because we all are supportive.
I think kids don’t like to be judged. They feel that disclosing the colleges they are looking at might be considered a reflection of how smart (or not smart) they are.
D’s friends said very little to each other about which colleges they were applying to. But now that decision time is here, that’s all that they talk about!
We live in the NW corner and with both kids I found that the ranges of schools that their peers were considering were really diverse. Outside of the obvious state schools they were literally and figuratively all over the map. There was no competition about it as they seemed to be doing a good job of steering to their own niche. Of D’s closeHS friend set 2 are at Cal, one at Mines, one at Harvard, one at McGill, one at the U of W and so on. There just wasn’t a lot of overlap. S’s friends are headed to the four corners as well.
With the boys especially I was kind of relieved when they started talking about it of their own accord in a casual way.
It got S thinking about things without the mom harassment factor.
I counsel my students not to share information about their college lists --for the simple reason that most of the schools in the region are cutthroat competitive, and part of that competition includes mining for information about your competitors. More importantly, enormous games are played (both genders) regarding that competition – such as psyching others out, intimidating, lying, deliberately misleading your competitors, etc. It’s disgusting and can become demoralizing to students. Sometimes the only way not to be vanquished by it is to refuse to participate, period. Shut your mouth and tell others to back off for your own protection. Tell others to get a life and that their games are boring. I’m an open person with information, so it would be difficult for me to do this in that position, and it’s almost as difficult to advise this. But I’ve never regretted doing so.
Ick!
@epiphany that’s awful. Commiserations.
I get the saving face thing, but I try to consciously not let that affect me since it is a huge cultural issue in my upbringing. We’ve been fairly open about her college process. As an immigrant the whole process was a cultural adjustment anyway, so we needed advice & suggestions. That would have been harder to get if we were mum.
post #34
Seriously???
I think the hardest thing for students is that the college they will attend (assuming they will attend college) becomes part of their identity. This is true for the parents as well as the kids. As a junior, you have had 11 years to define yourself and become part of the group you are part of. I think it can be a bit unnerving to discuss a malleable and mutating subject that changes not only how others see you but how you see yourself. Some are more at ease discussing it because they have friends they trust and who won’t judge them base on their thoughts junior year. Others may not be so comfortable. As a parent I too am curious about my D’s friends choices concerning their future. Initially it surprised me that they really didn’t discuss it as much as I thought they would. The very act of being a regular CC visitor means the college discussion is much more important to me than to others. If asked I’ll give my input, if not I do my best to stay quiet.
Post 37:
Yes, seriously. I wish I could say this is an exaggeration, but it is not an exaggeration when the school environment is quite homogeneous, culturally and academically. I see it happen at the most competitive schools. I doubt it happens where the environment is more varied and less singularly focused on admissions outcomes (and even careers afterwards!).
@scholarme
Yes, you sound thankfully as if your awareness rescued you by keeping you mum. The saving face thing plays directly into the competition, actually, in such environments, because students will just outright lie – about where they’re applying, what their stats are, and even the results. However, I think that’s easier to deal with than the aggressive mining for information and the various other forms of harassment, intimidation, wearing down.