<p>Last night, I spent a few hours at dinner with some friends listening to some of them complain about how despite asking someone out/agreeing to go out on a first date with someone, that the other party brings one or more friends along. </p>
<p>Sometimes they just bring them along without telling said friends which IMO, makes their feelings of having been “baited and switched” seem quite justified. Others find out the date is bringing friends and “ask if it’s ok” but the friends feel there’s no graceful way to say no without looking like the bad guy/girl. </p>
<p>Weirdly enough, I’ve never experienced this firsthand, but with several younger friends of both genders reporting having experiencing this issue, I’m just wondering if this is commonplace or not. </p>
<p>I’m also more curious as to how some who do practice/feel this practice is ok doesn’t miss the whole point of what a first or any date for that matter is supposed to be about…an event involving only two parties hoping for/expanding on a romantic connection of some sort. </p>
<p>If kids, especially girls, use tinder, I know that they sometimes bring a friend along, either overtly or covertly. After all, you never really know who you’re meeting online. But, on a “regular” date with someone you already know - I don’t see the point. </p>
<p>I find it odd for a guy or a girl to bring someone along on a first date, even if it is a blind date or the two people met online. In terms of safety, before meeting a date from an online site, a woman can ask for a phone call first to get to know the person and learn their full name and google the person and get a good feel if the man is who he says he is, along with getting a better sense about the person. They can also meet in a public place. Having a friend along seems to defeat the purpose of what a date is about.</p>
<p>I’ve never heard of this, but it does seem odd if the meet up is specifically described as a “date.”</p>
<p>I agree with soozie that there are lots of ways to verify someone’s identity and get enough details to be comfortable. In our state we have something called CCAP that allows you to check someone’s court history. This is not only useful for looking for criminal history, but also to see if someone who says he’s divorced actually is. </p>
<p>Although it is weird, I don’t think people should freak out about someone’s request to have their friends there. If there’s a spark you should know it and then can move on to actual dates later. Plenty of people meet at parties and bars where others are around.</p>
<p>I think online first dates usually occur in a public place where each arrives in their own car. I can’t tell you how many times H and I have been in restaurants and it becomes quite obvious that the couple next to us is on a first date via online service. </p>
<p>Bringing along a friend, w/o telling first, is just odd. Who pays? How awkward would it be for the guy to pay for his “date” and then what? </p>
<p>I’m guessing from what the OP has described that he means that girls are showing up with friends. I know that if a guy asked me out and he showed up with a friend, I would be insulted. </p>
<p>This is the age-old and classic way for a young woman to say, “Just friends.” I’m surprised that your friends that were telling these stories didn’t get that. </p>
<p>@dadx I think this grows EXACTLY from the hook up culture. 1. Guys don’t know how to date and so might bring a friend or two. 2. Girls, like my daughters, who don’t participate in the hook up culture want to send the message that they aren’t available for sex, just “getting to know you.”</p>
<p>After a few times out with friends, they will move to actual dates if they like the guy, but by then he knows they aren’t having sex without commitment. </p>
<p>At one time, DS and his GF rented a car to have a day-trip out of town. Their mutual friend’s sister happened to visited her and they thought this could be a fun trip. In the end, four of them went on the trip together.</p>
<p>This happened in their early, “get-to-know-each-other” stage of dating.</p>
<p>Well, I know a couple whose best man insisted on inviting himself along on their honeymoon. They at least insisted on separate room for him! They wrote all their thank you notes on the honeymoon! Another friend also had all the groomsmen come along on the honeymoon but the bride insisted they have their own room as well. Don’t these men have a clue?</p>
<p>You just never know. My first date with my future husband was to an Ethiopian restaurant–with his favorite philosophy professor and most of his classmates. It was awesome.</p>
<p>Re: “My first date with my future husband was to an Ethiopian restaurant–with his favorite philosophy professor.”
One of DS’s professors (actually a couple in the faculty) would kindly invite some of the students (who still stay on campus) to their home for Thanksgiving dinner. In one year DS was invited, the professor asked whether he had been dating with another female student - she was not in the thanksgiving dinner as she likely visited her brother’s family 2 hours flight away. (They did not back then, but they do now.)</p>
<p>Wonder whether DS will go to his Thanksgiving dinner again this year. If yes, the professor might say to him: “I told you so.” (i.e., he likely thinks they could be a good match.)</p>
<p>Hmm…I wonder when their relationship will get to the stage that he would be invited to visit her brother’s family. Unlikely yet this year because thanksgiving is mostly for immediate family members only. (I learned from the internet that visiting each other’s parents could be a “big deal” in her cultural background.)</p>
<p>Talking about thanksgiving holiday, DS has not been back for thanksgiving holiday for several years and he will likely not be back in the next several years. Somehow he only has an extended period of days off during Christmas holiday.</p>
<p>Wonder how a couple who are dating but are not close enough to be included in a family event like this handle the separation during such a holiday. (All I have heard about is a negative thing, like “Turkey Drop.”)</p>
<p>Turkey Drop typically refers to a high school couple who break off once they go off to separate schools. It’s a recognition that such relationships are transitory. </p>
<p>It has nothing to do with a dating couple who may each go to their own homes for Tgiving. If someone “can’t handle” a 4 day weekend without their boyfriend/girlfriend, they need to learn to deal. </p>
<p>Those friends are probably wondering what’s the point of women or men agreeing to a date after it is stated and agreed as such if the other party’s intention was to be “just friends”. This is the reason why some friends feel “baited and switched”. </p>
<p>IMHO, if one party brings friends on what was supposed to be a “date”, then that party has effectively broken their part of agreeing to a date as by definition, a date is supposed to involve only the two parties. </p>
<p>Bringing one or more friends mean it’s no longer a date by the conventional understanding of that term as I understood it growing up. Only exception to this is if it’s a double date. However, they don’t seem to be very common when I was in college nor among most friends/acquaintances my age and younger. Seems more like something for older Gen Xers, boomers, and older folks. </p>
<p>There are some women who can’t afford to go to some nice restaurants, so when a man invites them to go, they’ll bring someone with them to make sure the man wouldn’t expect anything afterwards. I know a man, who is few years younger than me, he has the habit of dating younger women. He tries to impress them by taking them out to nice restaurants and it has happened to him quite a bit, but he never learns. </p>