OP that was fun the way you wrote it up as a script. 
I can sooooo see that scene playing out.
Again, deeper issue between you and H. For whatever reason certain things are not being communicated between the two of you.
LF, not sure what you are trying to say. IMO, that’s why it’s good to respect what the other is doing and let them have a final say without judgement. Kind of divide things up and one person be in charge instaed of butting heads all the time. We can’t always understand everything our spouse does the way they do. In this case, it was OP’s “territory” and H should know to repsect her decision without judging her. He should have asked what that was about when they alone if he wanted to discuss.
I don’t think either one comes out looking pretty in that kind of argument. And that’s okay, I know DH and I have had some doozies.
Bottom line is OP and DH have some things to work out. I don’t know that us piling on either one of them does any good at this point.
I hope OP and her DH can open up lines of communication and resolve this issue and (any other contributing problems) and move on with being a united, loving couple facing family loss together.
Love the script!
I would totally feel my H was taking care of his mother over my needs–not checking with me on
the leftovers and not leaving the $ money relationship with me when I had done everything that night
and earlier for his mother.
Yes, since he is grieving I would give him a pass. However, a topic to be revisited much later if (as I suspect) this his normal behavior. Perhaps it was not an issue in the past but now that I was doing so much out of my own generosity I would need some emotional support from him.
Could it have been he was just tired from a long day and was anxious to get home? Who knows maybe he had a bad day at work and just wanted to go home and relax. He could have been thinking about what he had to accomplish at work the next day.
Also some people are overly generous. Maybe for him 1/2 a pineapple was not a big deal and not worth packing to take home or he didn’t hear you. Maybe it embarrassed him to take money for such a small amount. Maybe when he got home he just wanted to have some peace and quiet and wanted to settle down for the day. I am just trying to understand his perspective. Some days we lose our patience when we are mentally and physically drained or overwhelmed. We say things we don’t mean and our intention is not to be hurtful. We are just emotionally drained.
By the time I get home I just want some peace and quiet. I don’t have the energy to argue and just want to relax and decompress in the evening after being out all day and a long commute. I don’t want to have any heavy duty discussion late in the evening because I don’t have the energy for that after a long stressful day.
I get the effort you are making to help out your MIL and that it is no fun shopping, transporting groceries, and then cooking. You are tired too. Maybe this was something to be discussed when you both were refreshed and calm perhaps at some other time. Perhaps the reaction would have been different.
You know, if the MIL wanted the leftover pineapple ($2.99 each at my local grocer) I would have been happy to leave it for her and would have eaten something else for breakfast. Another molehill made into a mountain. But I still think its not about $10 or half eaten pineapples…
I just think that your H’s feelings for his mom probably runs deeper than yours and because she has just lost her husband, your H probably wants to do more for her to express his love for her. The affordability issue shouldn’t even be considered in these situations.
In an ideal situation, we shouldn’t be concerned whether other siblings are pulling their weight. If I live closer and more able, I don’t mind giving more, especially towards one’s parents. Imagine the work and expense your MIL has spent on your H and you are partially the beneficiary of the fruits of her labor. So what, if you spend even $$$$ more than his siblings if you and your H can afford it. There’s satisfaction and comfort that you did your best.
Wouldn’t you be just a little hurt if your D wants to pay for your lunch and you offer to pay back (just to be nice) and then her (future)H takes your $10?
I’ve taught my children “What goes around comes around”. I know who is kind to me. Perhaps your MIL will give you something extra $$$ before she passes away. Wouldn’t you feel bad for making a big deal about $10 or $100?
Yes, that was petty.
But I applaud you for helping your MIL.
doschicos, do you love to make people look bad? Nowhere OP mentioned MIL wanted the leftover pineapples and OP snatched it out of her jaw. H just asked loudly whether his mom wanted to keep it for herself WITHOUT first asking OP “what shall we do with the leftover”. Again he is crossing the boundaries. OP bought with her own money and cooked the meal. It seems to me fairly obvious that you ask the cook how to clean up and and what to do with the leftovers. I have no doubt OP would have given up the pineapple if MIL wanted it. Absent that, she wanted to keep it for herself. Is that so greedy?
@raclut It sounds like you are saying H was wrong but excuse him because he had reasons to be cranky. Simply put, he is in the wrong. I agree with that.
If it was important to me, I would have wrapped up my part of the pineapple and put my name on it. If he still gave it to her, so be it. Here, I don’t think either the DH or DW realize how they flamed this, what they each did that could be changed, going forward.
I just view things very differently than you, @iglooo. It’s a frigging half a pineapple! If MIL wanted it, I’d have let it pass. I’d be happy she had something nutritious to snack on frankly. Older people don’t eat much as it is and someone grieving often doesn’t eat much due to their sadness. I wouldn’t have even taken the leftovers home. I always ask if I am at someone’s house if they wish to keep the leftovers. But, again, it’s not about that or the $10. At all. These are just symptoms of the problem not the problem itself.
If offering up half a pineapple is considered to be crossing a boundary, that’s a heck of a tough row to hoe in a relationship.
“Absent that, she wanted to keep it for herself. Is that so greedy?”
Frankly, yes it is a little but I think a more apt word is petty.
Yes it’s frgging half a pineapple that MIL DID NOT express any wishes to keep. Let’s throw OP into the dungeon for getting $10 back and packing leftover pineapples nobody expressively wanted after all she has done for the evening.
IMO hubby was out of line. you don’t diss your wife in front of others and especially not in front of MIL. and he says it was such a small amount, that’s exactly the point – he’s the one making a big deal and inciting an argument over a lousy $10. and it was crappy to call you greedy after you got the stuff, cooked it all, and did the dishes.
Wow, a half of a pineapple? So that is approximately $1.50? I literally don’t have a pot to piss in, but would NEVER think to take that home for my next days breakfast, much alone be clearly upset about it!
Just this morning, my 19-year-old nephew – who is flat broke – was coming over to my house to go surfing and he called from the car to ask if I wanted anything from Starbucks. I requested a double tall latte – not a cheap drink. When he got to my house, I tried to give him a $5 bill but he said, “Don’t worry about it; I got it.” I graciously let him treat me, and we both felt very good about it. It sounds like OP doesn’t have these kinds of nice little exchanges in her life, which is kind of sad.
It’s not the $$ people…if you accept that, you might see a different side of it!
she got the stuff, cooked a meal for 3, and did all the dishes. i think she’s entitled to take some leftover pineapple home for breakfast if she wants. especially if the alternative is having to stop again at the store on the way home to pick something else up.
Cat named CottonTales, OP doesn’t say she was upset about it. She cleaned up after dinner. I am guessing she was putting away leftovers and chose to take the pineapples home. It seems nothing out of line to me. H saw it left out and called out to his mom. Why didn’t he ask his wife, what shall we do with the pineapples? Are you taking it home? Do you want to ask if Mom wants it?
I think you are right about that. Remember symptoms can be tiny. A mole that doesn’t look right is a “petty” thing, if you will. And in fact, lots of people “let it go” and just ignore it. But then something more significant is going on. Things that usually have to do with the history of the person (or in this case - couple).
Igloo, would you take a bottle of wine to your in laws house, and expect to take home the half drank bottle? Tacky is the nicest word I can think of.
@igloo We just think differently on this and there is nothing wrong with that. I am only here to address OP.
It is easier to break relations then to maintain them. I would rather maintain them. I will happily give away a pineapple and a $110 if that makes the husband happy. It really is not worth fighting for. Not worth it at all. I think as we get older we realize you can’t put a price on family and relationships and it pays 10 times more to do whatever you can to maintain them. The husband is not here to defend himself. Had he entered this conversation maybe we would have a different view on what really happened. We don’t know what he was thinking at the time. Good luck OP. I hope you and your husband are able to resolve the matters directly in a calm manner so that it doesn’t have a negative effect on your relationship. No matter what that is his mother and he has a special relationship and bond with her. He wants his mother and wife to live peacefully and not be put in the middle of issues. It’s time to move forward on this. There are a lot bigger problems in life to deal with.