You are missing the point. OP may have done it herself but H butt in and labeled her greedy when she was just keeping the book probably habitually; she bought things and MIL paid. She’s already done a lot for her MIL running the errands. She should be appreciated. But H butts in and label her greddy when getting reimbursed in this affair is the smallest part. She doesn’t get to feel good about herself for the effort. Instead, she has to defend herself against the absurd accusation of being greedy. H has no appreciation of all she has done. He comes in grandizing himself by waiving off $10. Cheap shot if you ask me.
Don’t read more into this than we know.
Do you really not offer to help if they can do it themselves? Every man, woman and child to themselves?
She could “feel good about” her effort because it is a good deed. Ten dollars.
My Dad recently lost his wife of 48 years. He is perfectly “capable” of doing EVERYTHING himself with regard to settling her estate, cleaning out 48 years of crap from their house, cooking for himself. He doesn’t “NEED” anything. But you better believe I “went around doing errands for him.” I picked up some groceries. I cooked him some meals without being asked. I stocked his fridge-if he had tried to reimburse me, I would have said no. If he argued and I got the sense he was upset about it, I’d take his money. I’ve come over to visit, and taken trash from his house to the dumpster, or grabbed a box of books to take for resale even though his car works just fine. Every week, I’ve tried to do something not to make a show of being a great person, but to show him I care about him even though he’s perfectly capable of doing anything and everything for himself. Because it’s how I personally tell him I love him and understand this is a tough time for him without actually always saying those words.
Let’s not forget that the OP’s DH has JUST lost his Dad, and his Mom has lost her DH.
If you don’t want to get out of your chair unless you are specifically asked, that’s certainly your right. I don’t roll that way.
“She, herself, referred to she and husband as wealthy, did she not? $10 or $100 or even more is not going to change the quality of their life. Where have you seen any indication that he is acting like a “big shot” tossing money around?”
OP posted their income is between $180k-$200k. Now that is a very comfortable income but I don’t consider that wealthy.
The OP said her H and his family are always tossing money around. Honestly, I think he sees it as a competition, “I see your contribution and raise you X $'s”.
Not if they can do it easily. What’s there to help? Do you offer to help and take someone’s arm when they can walk on their own perfectly well? The money in this family looks that way to me. They are not handicapped, they can all walk very well on their own legs. Why would you take up their arms to support?
Nrdsb4 (and a few others)- thank you. <3
That’s also different. In that case, I’d say he needed your help. You sensed it and helped whether asked or not. OP did that. She ran errands. The reimbursement of goods doesn’t even cover half of her efforts. She threw in sometimes flowers at no charge. She made the dinner for MIL and family making an occasion for newly alone MIL. Yet she is demonized for getting reimbursed for goods MIL asked her to buy. Can it get stupider?
All I’m going to say is maintaining the relationships with family members is more important than the issue of the money.
I will give the husband the benefit of doubt in the scenario simply his emotions maybe running high and he is not his normal self after just having lost his father. He is probably worried about his mother and has a sense of responsibility for her. Telling him to “pound salt” just adds fuel to the fire. I am not saying calling the wife “greedy” was the right thing to say but given the circumstances I would have let it go. It doesn’t matter what other family members are doing. If he wants to pay $100 to stock up the home with food no big deal. He maybe fulfilling his sense of duty to his family. If he says don’t worry about the $10 no big deal. His mom was giving the DIL money for other things she had done. I would let the storm calm down instead of adding fuel to the fire. It is not worth fighting over. It’s my belief if we do for our parents we are only going to get blessings from them. What goes around comes around. One day we will be old and may need the help of our own kids. I would not want to be a cause of fights between dd and her husband. MIL can continue to reimburse DIL but if once in a while she doesn’t or the husband says let it go it is no big deal. Maintaining a peaceful home and close relationships is what’s most important.
I’ve been in the situation where I have had to take care of my inlaws for 6 months and it was expected of me. I never asked them for reimbursement and they never offered. I did it out of a sense of respect and duty and to maintain peace in our home. I took them shopping, ran errands, bought groceries, paid for their vacations. Had someone done that for me I would have appreciated that.
“Yet she is demonized for getting reimbursed”
First, nobody has “demonized” her. Lay off the hyperbole. Second, everyone here has said she is being kind in helping and cooking for her MIL.
Her MIL offered reimbursement while her husband was there. He told his mom, no thanks. Wife took the money anyway despite what husband told his mother. I’m not going to demonize her but she asked what we thought and my answer is, yes, I think that is wrong.
I am in complete agreement with your thoughts above, @raclut.
Are you saying waiving off $10 is doing something? Overriding wife in the process? The wife who volunteered to run errands?
She was called greedy. You don’t call that demonizing?
Wow, 208 posts over 14 pages are a LOT of opinions. Obviously money is a hot button topic for many, as are aging relatives and inlaws. I hope the OP and her H are able to reach some basic agreements going forward to make things easier and better for them and their relationship. I applaud the OP for all she has done and continues to do to help her MIL and hope that the issue are resolved so that the path forward is smoother for all.
There are so many different ways each of us handles money, aging loved ones, and even being in a relationship with a spouse. There is no right or wrong, but emotions and name-calling just make things tougher. Wishing the best to @sylvan8798 as she moves forward. I would love having her as a DIL myself!
Family or not, sometimes people like to do nice things for other people regardless of how much $ they have or don’t have.
My first exposure to some REALLY wealthy people was in college. One’s family owned shopping centers, tall office buildings, restaurants and race horses. Sometimes he’d pay for things and I always let him know how much I appreciated it, but others seemed to expect it.
I always wonder how people like that can know who their real friends are and who is using them, so if we went to the movie or something relatively cheap I could afford to pay for without going hungry, I’d pay for him before he had a chance to pull out his wallet and he’d always be surprised and appreciative. He didn’t need my charity, but it was just my way of showing I valued his friendship for who he was, not what he had.
This isn’t about doing nice things or not. OP already did many of them. What you say doesn’t contract to what I said. In fact, it confirms it in a way. You were paying back in ways you could. I am sure it made you and your friend feel good. It made it more mutual, equitable and more pleasant all around. OP already did many nice things. Getting reimbursed may have balanced it out in a painless way since no one is having financially tough time making MIL feel better, too.
I’ve been trying to replay the scene in my head, since so many have posted speculations about it. So, without further ado, straight from playright Sylvan:
*Sylvan has gone to the market earlier in the day. She returns home and gets the rest of the items for dinner (sweet and sour shrimp) along with the recipe and the rice cooker. She arrives at MIL’s about 5:30 and lugs the things into the kitchen. *
SYLVAN i*: Here’s the stuff from your list.
MIL: Oh, thanks so much… Do you have a receipt?
SYLVAN: Oh. Yes. Here. i*
MIL: Thank you again. i*
i*
H i*: Should we leave the rest of this fresh-cut pineapple?
SYLVAN i*: No - that’s my breakfast!
i *
MIL: Oh, yes, I wanted to pay you for the groceries. How much was that? i*
SYLVAN: Ten dollars.
H: Oh, mom, don’t worry about it. Gees.
MIL: Oh, no, I can pay for it. Here.
i*
H i*: Well you can take that to the bank, Sylvan!
(They drive home in their separate cars.)
At home:
SYLVAN i*: Can you not give things away without asking me first? And don’t do that thing with the money - I get stuff, she pays me for it.
H: I just can’t believe you would even ask her for such a small amount. You’re just greedy, that’s what that is. It’s bad judgment.
SYLVAN: I don’t care what you think!
i*
Wow, now I am really on team husband.
It’s not about the $10…she does the work, he steps in to say, oh not a problem, and here, take the pineapple too…". I can see that is annoying.
And if you get things for her often, do you just never take $? Only for big stuff? What is “big”?
I’m even more on OP’s side now!
We’ve all got marital communications issues. The lucky among us get to iron things out. But- not always, not always well, not always a good compromise. And not always every issue.
So is this really about how H made his own presumptive move and then blamed you? And you’re sick and tired of being blamed? Honestly, we can’t always put our couples frustrations into the right words. We all trigger the other, at times, hand a lighted stick of dynamite. And we usually think our own side makes sense to us, so it’s justified.
@sylvan8798, really, I’d suggest that you and your H need to figure out a way to resolve these differences without acrimony. If you and he are likely to be helping your MIL in the future, these issues are bound to keep increasing and if both of you can work together to find a good way moving forward, that will really help with MIL and with other thorny issues that we will all face in the future. Name calling and bitter words are destructive to relationships and leave lasting hurt. These tools of constructive conflict resolution will also be a good model for your kids to see and perhaps adopt. A skilled family therapist may be a good aid.
I haven’t read 15 pages…but my quick take…
The problem isn’t whether OP takes money from MIL–that’s fine and dandy. It’s fair. More than fair. I can imagine there is stress building up. MIL is thrilled to have help and willing to pay for her groceries etc.
The problem is H said to not worry about it on this particular occasion and OP took the money anyway.
OP gives a lot on a personal basis and H doesn’t necessarily have that same opportunity… His waiving the money was his contribution to his mom and OP stepped on it (and totally side stepped him by doing so).
So OP probably should have let it go to please her husband. It probably meant more to him than to MIL.
But now everyone needs to “let it go”.