@HarvestMoon1, I don’t recall that the OP said her husband yelled at her. He waived off the $10 from his mom.
quote
H (Snidely): Well you can take that to the bank, Sylvan!
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HE took the money and then said that in front of your MIL? :-S
There are clearly underlying issues here.
It’s not about being entitled to, and I don’t think the OP really cared about the pineapple. Again, small piece of the puzzle in a much larger picture.
^^
Read the end of her post #213 when they got home.
I have to say, sylvan, you are taking this conversation with good humor. Even when you get criticized or someone is rude, you don’t seem to get angry about it. I’ve seen a number of people live to regret putting a topic on cc, just to get pages of people criticizing or misinterpreting their actions. Really good to not take things on here personally.
That said, if I went to the grocery store and cooked for my MIL, if my husband wasn’t bowing down to me and calling me a goddess, I would not be doing it often. I’d give him a pass if I thought he was still stressed out, but otherwise, he’d better not be giving me a hard time when I just helped his mom. And I know he wouldn’t, he knows how much I hate cooking!
I was thinking the same thing about sylvan – I am not so sure all the rest of us would be such good sports under the same circumstances.
I remember a movie called He Said, She Said with Kevin Bacon, I think. It was a funny movie about a couple’s problems/disputes from each of their points of view. Each one would remember how the conversation went (and the audience sees the scene as they relive it in their head), and the two versions were SO DIFFERENT they were hilarious. I think the OP is reporting the conversation honestly as she perceived it, but I would be willing to bet the farm that the DH (and possibly the MIL as well) might well report the dialogue very differently. And perhaps somewhere in the middle might lie the truth. This is just normal human behavior. I can see some of the OP’s points, but I’m just not willing to demonize either one of them based on a one sided representation of events and convo.
Anyway, this will be my last post. I truly think there are issues that go deeper than anything reported, and hopefully once the dust settles with the grief and change in circumstances, the OP and her DH can move forward in a positive way. I especially think it’s important that the OP not get boxed in to taking on more and more of the responsibility for the MIL. The repercussions from that would make this dispute look like child’s play.
Good luck, Sylvan.
To lighten the mood a bit…the pineapple has been regarded as a symbol of hospitality since the times of Columbusand still a popular symbol in the South. http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/a-brief-history-of-the-hospitality-pineapple-200667
Everything else aside, this struck me earlier from the OP’s “script” and described here: “As they were putting on their coats to leave MIL asked how much the grocery bill was – all OP did was answer her. It was H who grabbed the lousy $10…”
Is is possible that OP’s H didn’t actually know that OP and his mother had agreed, however informally, for his mother to repay OP when she buys things? Perhaps THAT is why he overreacted to his mother “having” to pay for $10 in groceries? That would actually explain a lot if that’s the case.
That said, the pineapple thing takes me aback. If I bring food to someone’s house, open it, cut it up and help eat it, the last thing I would think to do is take the leftovers home. The H asked if they were packing it up or not, he isn’t a mind-reader, how would he know that OP intended to eat it later?
Whatever issues are going on between OP and her H, I think some-maybe all of it can be traced to their very different upbringings. OP is careful, even stingy (to some of us) about money, even when she doesn’t have to be. It BOTHERS her that her H’s family, which has plenty of money and used to it, spends money freely, such that she considers this “throwing it around”. Those are two WILDLY differing views on money. Add in a H who kind of steamrolls around and a resentful OP, well, no wonder they fight.
My H and I come from very different circumstances. We clashed a lot early on, though not about money. If his way of doing things is what he was raised with and believes to be right, he’s going to see my way as “not right” and vice-versa. And voila! We have an argument. Looks like OP and her H are still stuck where my H and I were 15 years ago in that area.
This was from sylvan’s initial post to clear up confusion as to why people are looking at the $10 thing differently as the telling varies from the more recent script.
“I took the money because that was the plan. Now he is having fits and says I’m just greedy. I basically told him to pound salt.”
“More complicated than that. Way.”
Which means the $10 and other things are just symptomatic. Think about what is REALLY irking you and base the discussions on that. You were obviously upset enough to bring the items up when you got home which led to the blow up. We’re bound to have opinions here (no doubt! 
) if you wish to discuss what is REALLY bothering you. If you don’t want to, that’s fine, too, but do try to focus on the underlying roots of the issue. Sounds to me like you feel you might not have the “voice” you wish to and an even balance of power in your relationship. By focusing on the symptoms - the leftovers, the $10 - you are allowing your husband to not focus on the heart of the matter and your feelings but instead on some materialistic items that really shouldn’t matter.
Well if we really want to get down into the nitty gritty – and perhaps we shouldn’t – but the money H is allegedly “throwing around” are marital assets that OP does have standing to be concerned about. While at present we are talking about very small dollar amounts, perhaps OP is fearful that this will turn into something much more now that MIL is on her own.
Just a thought, not saying that is what is going on.
Not quite on point, but a story to lighten the mood.
My parents are as different as night and day, but get along famously. When I go home to visit, they have those yellow sticky notes on the bathroom mirrors and all over with “love you so much” or “you mean so much to me.” It’s a little sickening. 
I can count on my fingers the times I remember them arguing while I was growing up, but one of those times was when my father got home late. My mother had cooked chicken and rice and kept it in the oven for him, but when he said he wanted his dinner in the den, as if the king demanding his servant wait on him, my mother took it out of the oven, walked into the den, dumped it all over him and said “there you go!”
He never asked for dinner in the den again.
OP, hope you are able to work this out.
@1Dreamer, OMG, WOW! 
My pet peeve is DH being late, late, late always.
When we were newlyweds, I found myself competing for his time with his fraternity brothers (mind you, this is five years after he graduated). On his birthday, our first as a married couple, I made a beautiful dinner for him with expensive ingredients and a nice wine. He called and said the guys were taking him out for “a drink” and he’d be home soon.
Just like in the movies, the candle had whittled down to a stub, and he staggered in the door hours late. He began to apologize,and I took that beautiful platter of food and threw it hard into the sink full force, shattering the dish and spewing shrimp everywhere. I was so furious, I found myself shrieking at him. I took the expensive champagne and poured it down the sink while he watched.
Yeah, we had some DOOZIES early on. Thank God we’ve both grown up. We rarely fight now. But oh, those early days.
I’m going to restate what I said before. It’s not about the money. It’s about the name-calling. We don’t do that in our family. I’m just astounded that people are saying, “Well, maybe he shouldn’t have said that, but…” Because to me, that’s the line you don’t cross. Not with the people you love. You don’t put demeaning, judgmental names on their behavior. Again, I’m flabbergasted that most people think that the amount of money or the pineapple are what matter.
We do not countenance labeling or demeaning in our family; and the few times anything like that is ever said, the speaker abjectly apologizes when he/she realizes what they’ve done.
I just started a spouse pet peave thread.
I don’t have a problem with a spouse describing behavior as it appeared to them – saying it “felt petty” or “seemed stingy” or “was not gracious.” Greedy seems like the wrong word, which makes me think there was more to the conversation or context than is being relayed.
But I don’t consider frank descriptions between spouses to be “name-calling.” I don’t even see how you could have a marriage without being able to say that you thought your spouse had been inconsiderate, or mean, or greedy, or inappropriate, or whatever description of the behavior in question had been. So interesting to me to hear about the standards of others.
“I don’t agree with how you handled that” “I don’t think you should have taken that money” “I think we’re not on the same page with how we handle money with Mom” etc.
All those things discuss the action, without labeling the actor. They are not value judgments; they are invitations to hash out a communication problem.
I don’t see why that wouldnt be enough. “Greedy” is a shut-down, labeling word. Guaranteed to put the other person on the defensive. It is mean-spirited.
^ And yes, “mean-spirited” is in the same category; I 'll use it here; I’d never say that to someone I love.
I have to say @nottelling my marriage is different than yours. We don’t have those frank talks. Don’t fight very often either. Just our dynamic.
He’s very patient
Therapist doschicos. True what you say, but some things are too complex and too painful to discuss in public forums. It’s one thing to have people, strangers though they may be, criticize pineapple and minor finances, and I can find that interesting and even humorous. And I appreciate the sympathies, suggestions, and good wishes from others. Some of that has been helpful, along with some helpful potential resources.
But there are things which are would be too difficult to even rehash, let alone have dissected, criticized, or even sympathized over. Even if they provided some people with better understanding.
I’ve had a lot of anxiety for the past several years about what would happen if MIL or FIL passed away, as we’ve watched them decline. Now I’m trying to find my way without getting trampled into the dirt, and some of my anxieties have already been borne out in realities. Despite the negatives, posting here has really made me think about the larger picture and where that is going or not going.
“Greedy” is an adjective; I personally consider “name-calling” to involved nouns.
We have an abbreviated script from post #213, but I’d assume that there was probabl a lot more back & forth between Sylvan’s self-reported “don’t do that thing with the money - I get stuff, she pays me for it.” and H’s reported statement “You’re just greedy…” (I wouldn’t even assume that the “you’re” was actually said – it was what Sylvan heard and remembers, but it could has easily been an implied “you” and perhaps H said, “it’s just greedy”-- and if not, how many “you” statements did Sylvan make to H. after the self-reported “Can you not give things away without asking me first?..”
From her own reports, Sylvan started the discussion when she confronted H. after they both arrived home. Does he even know what he is accused of “giving away?” The $10 that his mom insisted on paying and that actually accepted? The leftover pineapple that Sylvan whispered she wanted while in a different room? Seems to me that Sylvan set the agenda for that particular discussion, and the topic she initiated was the merits of H “giving away” something… (though, again, not sure that H. had any clue what that “something” was.)