I’m sorry, @sylvan8798, that you are having such a challenging time. As others have said, aging relatives, different views on money, feeling verbally abused, discouragement from prior counseling efforts must all be quite exhausting. I wish you the best navigating your way forward.
Why the reluctance to participate in marital counseling?
What makes you adverse to returning to counseling?
It doesn’t have to be couple’s counseling, it could just be someone for just you to talk to and help you sort everything out and figure out coping strategies. If you were unhappy with your prior therapist, try someone new.
If you had a nagging medical condition and the first doc ran painful tests, but didn’t resolve it, wouldn’t you try again, look for a better doc to work with, because you want to feel better?
We’re suggesting individual, where you get to discuss on your own. A good counselor will listen to ‘you,’ explore with you. No one else seated there, interrupting or making their claims and counter-claims.
A lot of digging up and rehashing things that were bad enough in the first run. Avoiding things that were too much to even go there. There was something not real about the whole thing. Not the therapists’ fault, I don’t think, but I don’t want to have to do it again. That’s not to say that it didn’t help things, but I’ll resort to operating on myself first nowadays.
Sometimes I find that some of the things we “feel” are utterly irrational and even downright stupid. You have to pick them apart until you can figure out why they’re even bothering you.
Sometimes, you have to try a few before finding the right therapist. A good one can make all the difference! I have had to go through a LOT of MDs to fine the right ones for me and my family. It is tiring but so worthwhile.
Please don’t assume all therapists are similar to the one(s) you saw last time. It can really help one see things in a different way. Not all rehash, they should work with you to help you achieve what YOU want out of it.
The therapist can help give you tools to set and keep boundaries you are comfortable with so you don’t end up being the under-appreciated caregiver and more.
Dealing with aging family and in laws is tough in the best of time. When you and your spouse are not in agreement, it’s many times harder. Good luck!
Rabbit hole indeed. OP started thread to get opinions (or validation) on situation/argument. Various opinions ensued. Then context changes to alleged ongoing abuse. Lots of turns, trickling details, and everything is not what it seems. OP, if you are being abused, get out and get professional help for yourself. You stated you have the resources. It seems to me OPs issues are far beyond the scope of this forum, and they’re not just her husband’s or his family’s issues. Deal with your issues first, then deal with your marriage, your inlaws, etc. Hard to take anything at face value with this one.
Easier said than done.
Sylvan - be VERY wary of being “voluntold”. Trust me, it sounds like no big deal from a distance to do this or that. And usually ONE thing is no big deal, but over time many little things turn into a big deal. Of course you don’t mind $10 of groceries, of course you don’t mind picking something up while you’re out. But just wait until it’s nearly every day, or a few things every day and there you have a new part time or full time job as an unpaid aide to your mother in law, with ungrateful in laws who think it’s the least you can do - no biggie.
I would be VERY clear to the siblings - I have x amount of time I can spend caring for your mother. And stick to it. Any other holes are better off being filled by a paid person, though I usually have found elderly prefer their family to want to do everything.
I don’t know how clear OP can be when H accuses her of miserly for that stupid $10. Her being “clear” could be taken cold heart/no heart. She is already “greedy” and now she will be an ice queen. Stupidity knows no end.
It occurs to me to wonder whether they will also compete over who spends the most time with their mother or helping her with stuff.
Cynically, I doubt it. Money is easier, if you have it.
I don’t think it’s a good sign that Sylvan’s second guessing her own emotions and determining that they’re “irrational” or “stupid.” Our emotions are what they are and they aren’t created in a vacuum; there’s a reason for them.
She can’t express clear limits to her spouse until she sets up her own boundaries and weighs the possible repercussions. It’s difficult to advise when we don’t know her situation. If she tells her spouse what she’s willing/able to do and makes it clear that if the family needs more help they need to hire someone, what will happen if they just don’t and she doesn’t cover? Will he get verbally abusive? Physical? Would he divorce her? Could she support herself if he did?
Unless she has to worry that her husband will get physical or initiate a divorce that she can’t afford, she might want to consider telling him that he and his siblings are totally responsible for figuring out how to meet his mom’s needs without involving her. Once they have a plan in place she can talk directly with her husband’s mom and offer to do whatever makes sense to her at the time after consulting her own schedule – go on outings, run errands, or just visit – without the expectation that she’s agreeing to add that as a part-time job.
If she’s not free to say no, she needs more help than we can give her.
My take is she doesn’t need anyone’s advise as much as she needs support. It sounds almost comical when people say they need to know more to advise as if they could had they known more. My guess is people who say they need more to… is in no position to advise.
I agree with that. That’s, to my limited understanding, often a symptom of somone abused. They can’t be sure of their feelings since they have been often modified by the abuser. To me, she didn’t need to say there’s been abuse. The signs were dripping all over. Also, there’s no rabbit hole. It was all there in her first post if you knew how to read.
@Iglooo It’s ironic you are insulting people who disagree with you and trying to make a point about verbal abuse while saying things like “stupidity has no end” and “if you knew how to read” in response to others opinions. You are working overtime on this thread and beating your own horse akin to someone who yells their point thinking people with their own opinion just didn’t hear them the first time. OP needs help. That we can probably all agree on.
But now some are predicting she’ll be trapped into hours on end for MIL? Where’d we get that?
I’m having trouble distinguishing among an incident, the possible past history and ongoing abuse, and now the certainty what the 5 sibs intend.
The running theme seems to be powerlessness. ?
Yes, she needs help. But often, just empathy isn’t “help.”
And sorry, igloo, but the details morphed since post #1.
Am I working overtime? I went to my profile to count how many replies I posted on this thread, grand total of 7 not including this post. 7 out of 394 is working overtime? Interesting.
It’s sometimes the certainty and the ardor of our words, on an anon forum.
I do agree that when someone is troubled, whatever the issue, it’s hard to see up vs down. But sometimes, what friends need to do is more than just a hug, more than repeating the woes, “Oh, how awful that X did that.” That doesn’t change anything.
Sometimes, you encourage a friend to look at the ways to make it better, even baby steps. That’s going to range from the simple, forget the $10, forget the pineapple, up through getting counseling from a pro, to leaving the situation.
And frankly, when the details change, we others can’t always know what’s really going on, how to encourage, how much. Yes, sometimes the first person does have trouble expressing in one fell swoop. But that’s a sign more is needed. The helper trained in dealing with issues, uncovering patterns, and what really moves toward resolution-- not just settling.
Of course, we wish her the best. But this is bigger than a hug will fix.