OK. Maybe I’m inflicting too much of my own perspective on the OP. 
But it seems pretty clear that the husband’s family LIKES that way of dealing with money; that’s who they are. I’m sure they view it as sign of their own good-natured generosity. Why wouldn’t the week of a funeral be the perfect time for family members to act consistently with the family’s shared culture? It seems like a very bad time for someone to try and CHANGE a family’s culture, which is what OP would like to do.
I, too, feel like I’ve gone down a rabbit hole. It seems now that OP’s main complaint is that her husband is verbally abusive (though she hasn’t described any such incidents). If that’s the issue, I would give the same advice I’d give anyone in an abusive relationship: Leave. Get out. If you are being abused, there are many resources available that will help you get out. I don’t see how this relates to this thread, but if that’s OP’s primary problem, I’m not really sure why we are talking about who reimburses whom $10 for groceries.
When FIL died, they needed food for family and others who would stop by. Would you have left it at, “Sis bought groceries, I don’t need to chip in?” Or said, “There are 5 siblings, so I’ll divide it up and only give $40, she can hunt down the others?” it’s not like she spent 200 and he gave her 1000.
“Not sure why it was our responsibility to pay for stocking the house.” But it wasn’t and you didn’t. Sis shopped and DH kicked in. This was not all on DH’s shoulders or from his wallet.
OP said she was concerned each sib was spending money and would they, at some point, try to reconcile (implying, shouldn’t there be controls?) “So people were spending hither and yon…” (Oh,so it wasn’t all on H and DW.) “…and H and I had a discussion about whether everyone was going to keep track and start billing each other.”
But a) it’s already their pattern (jockeying over who pays for dinner) and there’s no mention of later billing each other. b) if this is about later 'calling in chits," saying one or two sibs paid for more dinners over time and so OP is the lone ranger on MIL care, what’s that based on? What pattern?
I’m wondering if you say that to people who are physically abused? Because that used to be a common attitude, right? She deserved it?
This is really sort of a crux of the matter, though. It took me two days to put the whole thing together in my mind, partly from reading and hashing here, in order to see what this really is. Now that I know, I can work on that. I’m a lot stronger than I was years ago. It’s like one of those puzzles you have to look at with your eyes half-crossed to see the actual image. It seems like some posters saw the picture much earlier, and some still don’t see it at all.
I see a bullying aspect to the H’s behavior, but I also see a certain pettiness in the OP’s. I have the sense that her actions are to some degree the result of her feeling steam-rollered by him all too frequently: rather than standing up to the big issue, she perhaps picks little battles when she shouldn’t, and small annoyances loom large. The pineapple being a prime example.
Perhaps she had the pineapple in the house and brought it over when she decided to make the shrimp dish, thinking “I’ll cut it up and use part of it with the shrimp, then take the rest home for breakfast.” Perfectly reasonable. Then suddenly H is asking his mother if she wants it. If control were not an issue between them, perhaps she would have waited to see if MIL wanted it, and if she said no, commented good-humoredly, “Good, then I’ll take it home because I was thinking of having it for breakfast.” Or if she said yes, inwardly rolled her eyes and revised her breakfast plans. No drama. But as things are, it got under her skin.
Then he pulled the nasty thing with the $10. And when they got home she retaliated, even stooping to complain about his “giving away” the pineapple, which in and of itself had little importance. It’s not like he gave away something she actually cared about. But it’s a battle for control, power in the relationship, and self respect.
I have the sense that the OP has felt overwhelmed by the H’s family bluster and histrionics for a very long time. Even in her own house.
Sylvan, do you not see that we are NOT dismissing the possibility of verbal abuse?
Why assume we don’t get it? And then some?
For whatever reasons, we know you’re hurting.
But we’re big girls and boys here and yes, the conversation turned to how, sometimes, we (either side of a dispute) don’t realize when we participate or exacerbate, as opposed to purely working to resolve. This is CC.
@sylvan8798, I’m curious as to why you don’t want to consider counseling to help with all of this and reset your marriage so that it can be a more supportive, positive one. It really takes two working together to build a relationship. Admittedly changes made by one person CAN affect the other, but a professional can help so much more than all our rambling posts.
It is a big step for a couple to venture into counseling, and you never know what you might end up with. Perhaps there was hard won equilibrium, and she was reluctant to give it up.
But with the death of the FIL and the changes that might bring, the tremors can be felt.
This concerns me. You have to decide what you are willing and able to do and not let others decide your life for you. That includes your husband. Why wouldn’t you have any say in how you budget your time? Did you tell his family that their expectations were unrealistic? If you’re not clear about what you can do, you can’t blame them for assuming that their plans are okay with you. If you were upfront about your limitations, that’s a little different.
When my husband’s dad became ill DH and I helped as much as we could, but I knew there would come a time when that wouldn’t be enough. Since all the siblings live OOS except us (we live within walking distance of his parents’), I encouraged DH to speak with them early and honestly about what we could do so they could create a plan that worked for everyone. We were very clear from the beginning that DH had a full-time job and I was homeschooling two teens (one of whom is dyslexic, dyscalculic, and dysgraphic), so we couldn’t take on being secondary caregivers for his dad. I thought we were fortunate that DH’s parents were well off and could afford to hire help to fill in whatever gaps might develop. The siblings who help run their mom’s business affairs said they’d look into it.
Time went by and my husband’s dad became bedridden, and no help turned up. DH’s siblings just said they were “working on it.” In the meantime, my husband’s mom was depending on us to help feed, bathe, and change DH’s dad, and to sit with him for hours at a time while she ran errands. If I wasn’t free, she called my husband, and if he wasn’t free she started calling our children. When we gently explained to his family that our children weren’t available to take on adult responsibilities she started calling them behind our backs because she knew they wouldn’t say no to their grandmother. When she told my son she’d help pay the tuition at the local 4-year university he wanted to attend then asked for his class schedule so she’d know “when he was free” DH contacted his siblings and asked directly why they hadn’t hired anyone yet. They said they “didn’t want strangers looking after dad.” Apparently, they just decided amongst themselves to volunteer my family to take over his dad’s care, and they expected us to continue to handle it because that’s what they wanted. I don’t know what DH said to them, but within 2 weeks his dad had several qualified caregivers coming to the house whenever his mom needed them. One, in particular, has a lot in common with my husband’s mom and they’ve become good friends, so it’s been good for his dad but has turned out really well for her too.
I was lucky because my husband and I were on the same page and were willing to support each other. If this is the type of situation you’re in and you don’t have support from your husband, you’re going to have to set your own boundaries and stick to them. I wish you a lot of luck because I suspect you’re going to need it.
Everybody is. It’s impossible not to, based upon your experiences.
The money…not as clear as ppl think: So my mom is retired. I make more than she probably made in a lifetime. She hates when I pay for things. So it is a delicate thing. I could always pay, but she gets upset. She threw a fit when I bought my dad a laptop, saying “we’re not poor”. Of course not. it was a gift. But you can see how you have to work out the “dance” to not upset her…it’s not always about the money or the amount.
@sylvan8798 I get that you may not want to pick open that scab. I let so much slide bc overall, it is easier that poking a lion each time. Not worth it. And on occasion I react with more than appropriate anger over something bc I have let it go for so long. I get it.
No one says we have to face down every issue every time or air our greivences to be healthy. Yes, sunshine is the best antiseptic, but is also burns us and spoils perishables…
The siblings ( I believe there are 5) for the most part probably need to be the ones primarily to figure out how to deal with issues with the MIL going forward. This is all difficult and a new phase in her life, your life, and the lives of the siblings. . I had a good MIL and we got along pretty well. But, she had a husband until she was 80 and we did not feel as much responsibility for her until the dad died. It is a new normal, there is a transition period, and scary sometimes. Luckily, you have said you are wealthy and the MIL also has money so at least you are not dealing with limited finances in sorting out the issues.
Jumping ahead after reading post #267.
I get that some of you don’t understand the pineapple issue. My parents grew up during the Great Depression. Ages 8 to 18. They were often hungry and cold. They did better in life but were always frugal. When I was a child if there were leftover mashed potatoes, there would surely be boxty in the next couple of days. Food was ever wasted.
So when the OP made sweet and sour shrimp she knew before she prepared the pineapple that there would be leftover pineapple and mentally prepared for what she would do with it.
Maybe OP was tired and overreacted, maybe MIL routinely wastes food, maybe OP had an early start at work the next day. You cannot reduce it down to $1.50 of fruit.
BTW, my husband and I have done well in life but I still throw overripe fruit in the freezer for smoothies or muffins. Old habits are hard to break.
Amy Koss wrote this in an editorial in the Chicago Tribune.
"When I was a young bride, newly annoyed by my mother-in-law, my father told me that the friction between mothers and daughters-in-law was timeless and innate. He said that I wouldn’t understand it until I was a mother.
That irritated the heck out of me and I said so.
But he insisted that no one loves anyone as much as a mother does, which probably made me roll my eyes.
Then he said: “Let me ask you this. If you found out that Mitch (that’s my husband) was a violent pedophile who raped little children, would you visit him in prison?”
“Pfft, no way!”
“Ah!” My dad held up his drink in victory. “But if it was your son, you’d visit, and bring him a cake!”
“Maybe OP was tired and overreacted, maybe MIL routinely wastes food, maybe OP had an early start at work the next day. You cannot reduce it down to $1.50 of fruit.”
Sure, all of those things are possibilities. Both my parents are products of the depression as well (true for a lot of us) and grew up in very humble origins. We don’t waste food either, for multiple reasons despite financial successes. I make a mean fried rice from leftover rice. None of that changes the fact that it is $1.50 worth of pineapple and that alone isn’t worth an argument. We are all products of our childhoods and environments. We all make mistakes and have errors in judgment. Being aware of what we bring to the table in terms of our conditioning and when its a strength and when its a weakness are all good when it comes to relationships and learning to navigate marital differences. Pointing out where we see fallacies in the OP’s logic doesn’t make us unkind. She asked for feedback. The beauty of CC is you get a variety of voices. The OP, in this case, was upset that her husband didn’t consult her on the disposition of the fruit. It’s not about the pineapple at all or breakfast or food waste.
I would say that counseling is the critical next step. You guys have to work through this, and you can’t do it by yourselves. DH and I were in this place in the late '90s. Best thing we ever did was go to counseling for several months.
And it certainly can get stressful when dealing with elder care issues, dealing with both the elder as well as the siblings and navigating the whole process. Dealing with years of decline with mother and MIL were both sad and stressful. All the best in sorting all of this out with your husband.
Years ago, my elderly mother was being conned out of her savings by a neighbor. I was worried about this situation, and posted on an elder care message board about what I could do. I was slammed for my question, because my mother was entitled to do whatever she wanted with her own money, and it wasn’t MY money, and how could I be such a greedy child?
I have read every post in this thread. On a thread like this, I don’t feel that it’s kind to jump in with an opinion without at least reading the whole darn thing. I also think it’s beyond obnoxious to say what you would do (a nobler choice than the OP’s, because you are clearly a better person) if faced with the same situation.
I’m just thinking about my own life, and my own marriage (36 years). I’ve worked for cruel bosses, and had histrionic co-workers, and family members who could torture me with outrageous demands. I’ve had friends and neighbors who trod on my feelings as well as my newly seeded lawn. But in all those relationships, there were other people that I could turn to and say, “That’s not normal, right?” And those people could help me out, because they observed the situation first hand, and could validate my concerns, or tell me that I was off base.
My marriage? A whole different kettle of fish. Nobody else sees what goes on in our private lives, or hears the cutting words, or even realizes that they ARE cutting words. Unless you feel comfortable complaining about your spouse to a friend ( I never did, except for trivial gripes) it can be very lonely. Reaching out on a message board can feel like the only available outlet.
OP has been trying valiantly to express her situation. I know only too well how hard that is to do concisely on a message board. It takes more than one post. It helps when the posters who respond ask thoughtful questions and attempt to elicit more information that helps both the OP and the ones responding. It doesn’t help at all to rush in with an opinion on either side, except to empathize with this person’s pain. The comment “Did you come here for our opinion, or did you come here to vent?” comes from an attitude that I see all over the internet. Well, duh. Of course she came here to vent. Do you really think your expert opinion is so valuable? Do you think your “funny” comment is actually funny?
She might also have come for help, but that “tough love” style of “help” where you tell the person how wrong they are in every way, and how that poor guy who has been (possibly) jabbing at her for years is just this poor wounded sparrow who lost his father yesterday, and how she should really be more sensitive is probably NOT going to result in her coming to the epiphany: “Oh, YES! It was me all along! I’m so greedy! Let ME pay for everything, forever, or forever hold my peace!”
I agree that therapy might help, for either or both of them. She seems like an intelligent person, and she’s probably already considered that. I understand that we don’t get to hear H’s side, but I don’t see where it’s necessary to TAKE his (imaginary) side, when OP is the one who presented the situation.
This thread really represents to me why online communication is ugly.
A wise father, to pass along the truth to his daughter.
Having done that before, I would consider it to be the last possible resort now.