@busdriver11, I am not a student, I am pushing 60. 
Then count me as confused, I thought you said you were not yet married. Everyone on here is generally a parent of a student, or occasionally a student, though I suppose that can all happen without marriage.
If I got that correct, and you have never been married, how can you be so judgmental without ever having in-laws? Mine were/are wonderful, but some of my other friends and families ones are incredibly unpleasant. There are some people I wouldn’t be willing to help on a regular basis, no way!
Yes to post no. 336!
My dh’s family does this dance with food – You finish it, No, you finish it. But I made it for you. But I know how much you like it. Good God, people! Just eat the last slice of pie/spoonful of stuffing/rest of the freaking whatever!!! Everyone is trying to out-polite/love everyone. It’s tiring to be around.
Not sure how unpleasant in-laws feeds into this discussion. OP has never claimed a bad relationship with or said a bad word about her mil. That would be a different story and different discussion than what is being talked about here.
@busdriver11, I said I am happy to be single. I was married before and have a grown child that is finishing school this year.
It’s not about unpleasant in-laws … it’s about family dynamics and how when you marry into a family you get all that.
My critique was in response to the comment , “I guess I am different then. I would do it just because I thought it was the right and kind thing to do, not for a hug and an “atta girl” compliment.”
It seems unrealistic to claim that, as some in-laws are not people that one would happily do something for. We have no idea of the history here, but there is obviously plenty of it. I know what I would do for MY MIL, but I don’t know how I would feel if I had the OP’s MIL. Depending upon the history, perhaps I’d say forget it!
Is it about family dynamics, though? OP is insinuating that she is a victim of verbal abuse. The issues she has discussed from her initial post are just symptoms not the issue. The issue seems to be the relationship between she and her husband and how they talk to each other, communicate with each other.
Chiming in again, since I based my first post only on the OP, and not the updates. A few things stand out for me.
This all took place the week of the funeral.
H and OP had discussed the MIL’s need to have someone do her shopping a couple of weeks earlier. Is accepting reimbursement of $10 something that many people, like H, would refuse on principle the week of a funeral? OP was already resentful that H gave $100 to his sibling to do some shopping. I assume he knew how she felt about this.
The “script.” This brings out resentments in both directions. H was angry at OP for agreeing to accept the $10. He never would have done that in a million years. When his mother handed him the money anyway, he could have easily said “We aren’t thinking about that right now” but wasn’t going to get into a debate. Takes the money, but is angry and resentful about it. He uses it to make his point, a very nasty, uncalled for, and sarcastic remark to OP about taking it to the bank.
OP confronts him at home telling him point blank not to interfere with the agreed upon financial transaction. He’s incensed. It’s his mother and his prerogative to treat her to groceries the week of his father’s funeral if he wants to. Even a whole pantry full. The $10 thing did not happen in a vacuum.
H thinks OP showed a lack of compassion and sensitivity. He calls it greedy behavior and poor judgment. He feels she ignored the timing, was petty, and “nickel and diming” at a time like this. After all his father just died.
OP says, I was just doing what MIL asked. She’s the one who asked me for the receipt. She’s the one who asked how much the groceries were. OP feels “I’m the one who all this responsibility is going to fall on in the future. Nobody appreciates my time or my efforts. The rest of the siblings do nothing. No time like the present to follow through and set expectations.”
Even after H said Geez, forget about it, he took the money anyway - and promptly used it to beat OP over the head.
OP implies that verbal abuse is not a one time thing, or only brought on by FIL’s death.
It’s a very stressful time and situation. Communication is lacking and some basic values seem to be at odds. I hope with some time and reflection, they can both see the role they played in making things worse. If not, and if this is pattern of behavior, they should seek out help.
I agree with the post up thread that the responses to the OP say more about their own family dynamics. I always wonder when I’m reading different posts who’d I be friends with IRL and this one thread has made it pretty clear. Best of luck to the OP and her H.
And if it is verbal abuse (and remember, we don’t know who’s at fault or who baits/triggers whom,) often there is no simple and neat ‘mutual discussion’ about money or more respect for the wife’s efforts. It can devolve into flinging accusations that have to be sorted. That is, until each are ready to look at fixes and new styles. So in the meantime, in this case, OP would start with her own counseling.
No, it’s not easy. You’re baring yourself. And, over time, expected to develop insight into your on behaviors, your part.
@roshke I don’t see that timeline, that this is the week of the funeral (that was when the Sis bought foods.). I don’t know how recent the death was, though OP referred to “3 Tuesdays in a row I have bought food and made dinner.”
OP clearly needs to unload, anonymously, but without specifics. It’s easy to see all of us posters are confused by the dribbles of info, an “implication” here, a hint there, but no real picture. And by the early focus on one particular dispute,when there is clearly history. That can mislead.
^To be clear, roshke, the “greedy” incident was this week and it’s been a full two months since the funeral. So it’s not about it having anything to do with the funeral.
The most generous interpretation is that a major change has happened in the family and H feels like he has no control over this new and largely unknown situation. He attempts to get control over something, anything, by asserting power and control over his wife. So it isn’t “about” money, or food, or whatever. If you know anything about verbal abuse, you understand this.
Thanks for clearing up the timeline. My mistake! I still feel that if H wants to treat his recently widowed mother to $10 groceries now and then, that should be up to him, but certainly not the same emotional overtones as if it had been the funeral week.
Is the verbal abuse a pattern of behavior that predates the funeral? Does it happen in other situations not related to this one?
Again, some of us fully understand verbal abuse. Some from professional experience, some from personal, some from some uncomfortable observation. To be blunt- and sorry for this- some think you may be partly at fault. Without the missing pieces, we’re left to what you do write.
This thread pains me. In part, the mechanical aspects/the counting. In part, the power plays, the insistences, and the outrage (and how it manifests.) And in part, because I feel like the dribbles of info toy with the real matters.
I’ve been thinking about this thread for hours. I awoke and a line from Toni Morrison’s Sula came to me:
“Sula Peace lived in a house of many rooms that had been built over a period of five years to specifications of its owner, who kept on adding things…"
That one line felt so much to me like all which goes on in marriage and family.
If H wants to treat his mom to groceries, he could have hugged her right there in the kitchen, and said “Thanks for the offer, Mom, but this one’s on us. End of discussion.” He could have put the money back in her purse. Then he could have thanked his wife for picking up the groceries for his Mom and making dinner.
Accepting the $10 from Mom, handing it to his wife with a snide comment, and following up with an insult was not the way to put the money issue to rest.
Again, both H and Mom are grieving and so even though I don’t like their behavior I’m inclined to be more tolerant of missteps.
If you want to really get into family dynamics, consider that MIL/FIL have a history of getting between OP and H by passing OP money under the table when H won’t take it. And FIL tried to pay OP money for helping with a home sale, but H objected. So there is a history of unsettled issues between H and his parents getting between H and OP. It’s not just this one incident.
So it would be lovely to think that H will wake up and resolve the money issue with his mom and everything will be peachy keen forever, but I don’t see that happening. Maybe OP just needs to distance herself a bit so that she doesn’t get caught in the crossfire so often. Sometimes issues that can’t be resolved can be avoided.
@sylvan8798 I’m curious to know if you see anything wrong with your stance on the $100 spent on food during the funeral week? Obviously, there is some history here and you feel verbally abused but to me that particular incident would leave a bad taste in my mouth if I was your spouse and although it was wrong of your husband to use the word greedy, I can see where it came from. What’s in your history that makes you resentful of him spending the $100 and the $10 on his family? Are you resentful of the attention towards his family? Are you resentful because you don’t see the same caring displayed towards you? Is your marriage at a place where its easy to be critical of everything each other does?
The info provided is very cryptic and the path from the initial post to now makes me feel like I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole.
“If you want to really get into family dynamics, consider that MIL/FIL have a history of getting between OP and H by passing OP money under the table when H won’t take it.”
OP could have avoided this by not getting involved the first time. “FIL, I appreciate the fact you want to pay but H really wants to treat and I don’t want to be in the middle of this.” Repeat a time or two if necessary. It’s all in the past now of course but it didn’t need to be handled that way. OP has stated that it was more an issue with her FIL than MIL so I don’t see money issues between the husband and MIL being a big part of the issue here. Seems to me like there are more unsettled money dynamics between OP and her husband.
I have also thought a lot about this because some of it hits close to home for me. @doschicos In my interpretation (which may be totally off base) the OP was not necessarily feeling resentful of her H spending $100 on food to stock a family home, but she saw that he (and his siblings) were again enacting their habitual argument/display over money. A “If one of my siblings is spending money on food, I should too and I should spend more and tell everyone how much I contributed” sort of thing, kind of like when the airfare was discussed, it became a discussion of how much the non-fliers should contribute. Even if the intentions are just to be pulling his own weight as a caring member of the family, maybe OP didn’t feel the funeral week was the best time to get into this kind of activity with siblings, and spoke about it to her H, which is kind of the opposite of what I think you think. In my scenario, nitpicking over the money really isn’t the issue and OP really wanted everyone to just forget about it for once. And now H is resenting that and bringing it up every time any kind of money event occurs within the family. I can see that happening, and I understand the bad feelings on both sides.
@sylvan8798 I don’t have a lot of advice for you, because like others have said, only you and your H know the whole story, and only probably your own sides of it for that matter. Best wishes to you both.
ETA: In my experience, some of that internal dialogue I attributed to the H can happen even before anyone else has acted or declared their own intentions. And that may have happened here too–a desire to do something concrete in an emotional time led to a focus on a financial contribution.
From the initial post: “Not sure why it was our responsibility to pay for stocking the house (there are 5 siblings) since we live in the same place and were not the ones eating all that food, but that’s how it is.” <This is how I got to my interpretation, @IABooks. I’m not putting words in OP’s mouth. This is the way she expressed it.