@calmom but nothing has been said that this small amount is making it difficult to make their own ends meet. A large income figure has been stated by some posters. OP wrote, “We’re wealthy - it’s not like it matters.” But yes, different attitudes.
And remember, they’re letting MIL pay for their tickets to the condo. Not just one going, to support her, but both. If that’s a sense of “WTH, we’re family, let’s go and if she wants to pay our fares, so be it,” then why such fuss and muss over $10 or the $100 to Sis?
OP now says it’s bigger than money and drops a hint at verbal abuse, too difficult to describe, etc. So,what can we say, besides that good counseling can be a positive step?
Now I see #318. “In general?”
So, this is not some “plan” she agreed to with you? Nor is it a mandate to pay for everything, always and forever. (That could be a sort of red herring, as was the rice cooker.)
I do understand there are situations where the couple’s communications balance is so off that one’s head spins. (Been there.) But then that needs some working on. If not as a couple, then as an individual, to clarify perspective. And get some help to breathe. And then to learn how to pick one’s battles.
gads,
Seriously. Would any of us want to shop for our MIL and then cook and then do the dishes
and then be dissed by our H.
It just is not that complicated unless we make it that way.
They need a 3 way discussion about the money.
OP and H need a serious discussion about his respect for his wife’s efforts.
Period.
42 years a therapist–sometimes it is just not rocket science.
Well, if you have a relationship where you are not supported and even sometimes applauded for the
things you do for another’s loved one–hey, you just might find it a chore.
You know that we might be super happy doing so many helpful and loving things for our spouse’s
relatives. And then they criticize and so! A happy act comes a chore.
We are all just humble humans. To go to the store and cook and clean and seemingly enjoying his Mother
well enough --well most of us would just like our H’s to take in our arms and say thank you.
“We had counseling years ago, I’m hoping we don’t have to go through that again. Right now, I’m not so confident about that.”
Then you are not going to solve your problems without communication. Either you have to be very open with your spouse and MIL and try to solve these issues otherwise they are going to continue to linger. If not then your other option is discussing options for resolution with a counselor. If you choose to do nothing but complain then no positive outcome will come out of that. If you have had counseling before that means the problems are ongoing and not resolved. You say you are not confident about that. That means you think your problems have no resolution.
Are you just venting or are you trying to resolve your situation? It sounds like you are venting and not really looking for ways to rectify the issues. Avoidance never solves any problems. It just builds walls and creates distance and further misunderstandings in relationships. The ball is in your court and you have the power to decide which path you wish to take. Are you willing to do what it takes to have a healthy marriage and good relations with your MIL? What if you try your best and things don’t improve and actually get worse? Can you live with that? What kind of life is that?
Be strong and proactive. Don’t waste each day with negative thoughts. Be positive and proactive in tackling these issues.
God forbid something can happen to anyone of us tomorrow. We have to make the best out of the circumstances we are in and if we are not happy then we have to take steps to improve things.
Let’s put ourselves in the elders shoes for a moment - who wants to feel like a burden, to ask people to do every little thing for them, to just want some company and see their family? She’s for sure missing her husband, missing her independence. This daughter in law is gracious and is actually giving her mother in law more independence by having her pay her way.
With my mom my sister ended up having her credit card so when she did go run errands for mom she used her credit card. My brother paid the bill. No one cared because we were grateful sister did all that. I did have to remind sister from time to time - don’t forget, you lived here by mom and dad forever and you benefited tremendously when everyone was younger - tons of free babysitting, grandparents at every game, you’d drop by and eat their food and snacks and dinners and breakfasts. They helped you every step of the way. So, for awhile none of us felt all that too bad since her kids were grown and she didn’t have a job. But once things really got serious and the care became way more intensive none of us thought the burden fell squarely on her shoulders.
It honestly took a team of people to help my mom. I can see it’s not about nickel and dimeing the mil to death, but there should be an easier way moving forward. And communication about it all is the first step. Like it or not - you have to speak to the person in charge of the finances.
While $10 here and there is no biggie, it will soon evolve to a LOT more and there should be some sort of process in place so the daughter in law doesn’t feel like she’s being taken for granted.
As a divorced person, having been through few years of unpleasant interactions with ex, it is very noticeable to me when a couple is being mean to each other. When I was living it, I thought it was perfectly normal. I hear couples say things like, “you are so cheap,” “why does it take you so long to tell a story,” “you’ve told that story so many times,” “you have no color sense,”…and the list goes on. Would you really say that to a friend? Or to someone you like?
OP is helping out her H’s mother, not her own mother. Why isn’t he doing the work? If it was his friend doing the work, he would have thanked her. My suspicion is he is not calling her greedy over 10, he is calling her greedy for other events. They probably have a different view of how to spend money and when to pay for others. Instead of talking to OP about it, he used this incidence to voice his discontent.
@sylvan8798 When I read your OP, I thought this could situation could be looked at in several different ways. A lot of the (differing) thoughts I had about your situation have already been expressed through the length of this thread.
While it may be really clear to you, I wanted to remind you that everyone’s responses say more about them and their relationships than yours and your husband’s because we all are looking through the situation with whatever life experiences we bring to those kinds of conflicts. It seems like you have that pretty clear in your mind with your willingness to continue talking through the entirety of this thread and doing so with a lot of grace (in my opinion).
I do find it a bit funny that some responders who have stated they are not married and have never been married have such a strong belief in how they would have responded in the situation you described. Lol. It reminds me of when my husband and I were adopting and we were interviewed by our assigned social worker. Lovely, young, single girl who asked us about our greatest source of conflict. When I answered honestly that how we individually handle the laundry had caused 99% of our disagreements, she was shocked (and a bit disapproving; I could tell she thought it was petty & untrue). We later became friends, and she asked me to tell her the truth about my marital fights now that we were closer. (If you cannot tell, she still wasn’t married when she asked that follow up). And I reiterated that laundry was our biggest source of conflict. She didn’t really believe me until she was married for over 3 years (yes, we became fast friends) and she asked me, “Am I going to keep having the same fight with my husband for the next 50 years?” My response? “If you’re lucky.” I know I feel lucky we disagree over laundry rather than money, religion or other hot button topics.
I think you’ve handled being on the front lines of grief with a lot of grace. Be kind to yourself when looking at your reactions to stress. Be kind to your husband when looking at his reactions to stress. Good luck moving through this time, it’s ok to take breaks from doing to practice self-care. And, sometimes, I find it can be really helpful to reframe a situation to give everyone involved the benefit of the doubt. Not to whitewash the behavior, but rather to allow myself to be able to move past being upset. I think this is, in some ways, what posters are trying to help you to do who keep suggesting you look at the situation through the lens of your husband’s possible stressors that led to his outburst. If you aren’t there in being able to do that, it is totally ok. It goes back to practicing self-care first.
I wish you kindness and love this holiday season, I will be thinking of you and your family going through these first holidays missing your loved one.
The sense I get is that the family has money but is absolutely not free with it. It’s use as a proxy for power. Whoever pays wins. If I let you pay, you have more power. Very unhealthy.
I think OP’s H has some emotional issues about money and his family that have never been resolved, and OP has to walk on eggshells around them.
So the “legalistic” or “strict accounting” is not because anyone cares about the money, it’s because OP is trying to understand how she can behave without antagonizing both MIL and H. If she won’t accept money, MIL will insist and they’ll have an uncomfortable discussion. If she will, H will be embarrassed and outraged. There’s no way to win, so she tries to come up with groundrules both will agree to. Thought she had, then found out H was not on board after all.
So…H has issues with his family and money. And was truly and sincerely embarrassed and outraged that OP accepted $10 from his mother for groceries. His feelings are valid, even if they show he has some unhealthy emotions around money and family. He’s still mad and hurt. And so is OP. It’s a sad situation, and I’m not sure how they move forward.
For most family issues, the suggestion is to let the spouse deal with his/her parents. I’m not sure that works here, because it looks like H never came to terms with his parents about money/power issues, and the weeks after his dad died is probably not a good time to start.
How do you know? You’re not married, you don’t have in laws, you’re a student, right? When you have experienced a MIL and can come up something more than one liners without a hint of insight, get back to us. For all you know, you might detest your MIL, or she might not be able to stand you.
I think there are a lot of assumptions being made without benefit of the total story.
The OP and her DH really need to work on these issues, or things are going to continue to deteriorate. Us telling her that she is in fact greedy or demonizing her husband, about whom we actually know very little, is inappropriate imo. They should consider counseling, where they each have the opportunity to express their views with an experienced, unbiased professional to guide them.
If they don’t talk this stuff out, I fear for their future.
Then how would you expect to feel when your H made a snide remark and said you were “greedy” when you called him on it, after you did what you thought was the right and kind thing?