Yeah, that’s the preferred way of communicating, certainly. I wonder though if a more direct communication method couldn’t at least sometimes – in very limited doses – be more effective. My daughter is EXTREMELY non-confrontational, but once she said to me, “Mom, you are being so mean right now and I don’t know why.” It was a big jolt, like an electric shock at the moment, and I realized she was right, I was being mean. It was a rare moment – normally I’m not mean and normally my daughter doesn’t talk to me like that. But the honest label provided the necessary jolt that got me to change my behavior on a dime.
I don’t want to give the wrong impression; we definitely don’t engage in name-calling in my family.
It’s not just the word greedy. It’s also the speed H jump into judging, shoving the money to wife and telling her take it to the bank. It’s derogatory. There was no discussion, Do we need to take it from her?, Shall we just let her have it?, etc. I think it’s alienating. H and his family one team, wife not included. All that after the wife has done the team work of doing the chores and making the family dinner. If you are not in the team, doing the team work becomes servitude.
Many people underestimate the power of words. I think this is especially true of those who are mentally “tough” and thus less susceptible to insults being effective. But for the rest of us mere mortals words can really hurt, especially when coming from someone who is supposed to be on your side.
If I were to sum up what I think is at the root of this whole problem it would be what Igloo said above. I have been wondering throughout this thread if H is equally as solicitous of his very own wife as he is to all his family members whose comfort is paramount. If she were treated equally as well there would be no issue here.
There are several explanations for why the husband might have stooped for a derogatory word, not least of which would be he couldn’t be bothered to use fifteen others instead.
@sylvan8798, you are very brave for posting what you did and wadingbtheough thus rapidly growing thread, some of which goes off on a lot of different tangents. From the comments and posts you’ve made, it sounds like you could use some support in building a stronger and more supportive relationship with your H. No matter how much we all post here, a trained marital and/or family counselor could help you much more than us strangers, as well-meaning as we are.
I strongly urge you to find a good therapist so you can get the support you deserve. I would have a lot of issues if my spouse treated me the way you’ve described and would need support of a professional to have the tools to try to change the dynamic. 28 years of marriage is a long time and making changes is hard work, but can really be worthwhile. Good luck! I’m rooting for you!
I don’t know what other history you may have, but the script you provided isn’t in that category, in my view. It does happen that in an emotionally abusive relationship, one partner becomes over-sensitized and then every comment is magnified.
But one type of verbal abuse is scolding or repeatedly berating a partner over minor foibles-- which leaves the recipient of that sort of verbal aggression feeling belittled or demeaned, and having a sense over time that there is nothing they can possibly do to please the overly-critical partner, and eventually to give up trying. And to my ears, this is an example of that sort of verbal parry:
That kind of approach can also be part of a pattern of provoking conflict in a relationship as a means of asserting control. One partner initiates by making an accusation – and the other partner’s response to the accusation becomes the trigger for an escalating argument.
Again, I don’t know anything about your relationship. I know that in my marriage that my former partner’s constant criticism and fault-finding was much, much more demoralizing than the name calling or yelling-- so perhaps that will help you understand why I am very sensitive when I see that.
When you replay the events in your mind, can you think of a better way you might have expressed your feelings and your needs to your husband than immediately confronting him with what you don’t want him to do? You and he are partners in a marriage – you are not his boss, and he is not yours.
Generally in a marriage, if both partners are acting in good faith, then it is possible for either one to take initiative to change the dynamic of the relationship by moderating and improving their own communication style.
I agree with Himom that you need someone you can talk to openly one on one about the experiences and frustrations you have had. If you don’t, all those feelings are going to collectively be bottled up inside and eat away at you causing you to reach a breaking point. We can only comment based on the limited information that has been shared but in your heart when you think about it calmly you will be able to pinpoint certain things that have happened that have bothered you. One thing you mentioned was verbal abuse and that concerns me. That makes me feel this was one instance and perhaps there were other instances like the one you mentioned. You could also discuss with a counselor the worries you may have of taking care of elderly parents. I know there is a thread about that in this forum. I am afraid based on the limited information we have we may make incorrect assumptions of your situation and that is not really going to be of help to you. If there was an experienced family counselor who could listen to your concerns and give you their unbiased opinion with how to cope with your situation that would be more helpful to you. Our intention is not to judge you as we have all had family issues that we ourselves are dealing with and are trying to resolve. Relationships are fragile and sometimes we feel we have to tread really carefully to protect ourselves and at the same time respect other peoples feelings and expectations of us. Sending you sincere wishes that the issues get resolved in a calm and peaceful manner. I think there is a lesson to be learned when we hear the experiences of others. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
^We had counseling years ago, I’m hoping we don’t have to go through that again. Right now, I’m not so confident about that.
Then you know that you have to set any single event in the context of the overall history. Meaning that your view of the event is not large enough to make a reasonable judgment.
So, we have to tease out what’s really going on? And now the suggestion we don’t know about verbal abuse?
As in calmom’s example, both sides are provoking, for whatever reasons. Drawing lines in the sand. If we don’t know more, we’re just spinning our heads (a game of sorts, too.)
Rather than, “Can you not…,” counseling suggests this could have been expressed as, eg, “I’m not comfortable when…” The point of the “I” phrasing is not to appear to criticize or demand, fling down a gauntlet, but to refer to oneself.
Which brings us back to the maybe verbal abuse.
But I’ve still got my question: where does OP say the MIL agreed to this plan? So many posters base their views on there being a plan in place between MIL and DIL and DH butting in.
Sylvan, if your MIL specifically agreed to a “plan,” why not say it? As opposed to saying you and DH made the plan and you “think she wants to pay.”
And now, the kindly "“when I happen to be going I ask if she needs something” has been converted into “things she ordered.” DIL, the delivery guy. which is it? Free will, good grace, asking if you can? Or an order?
Beats me, where this is going. There’s a lot of resentment.
When MIL gave H $10, he turned to OP and told her to take it the bank. It sounds awfully abusive to me. He is accusing OP of greed with a lightening speed. If that’s not abuse, I don’t know what is. It’s all in the script.
Just maybe, in a family that has money and is free with it, it does seem legalistic, unyielding and no fun to deal with strict accounting. And more self serving than truly needed. And the word that came out was greedy.
@lookingforward - I don’t really think it is a matter of the family having a lot of money. I know many moderate and lower income people who are routinely very generous and giving, especially with family. I think it’s more a matter of upbringing and personality, and each family has its own culture, developed over time.
CottonTales, in verbal abuse, next to anything can be a continuation of the power play. “You’re wearing that?!”
For an instant, imagine that the party who feels the most aggrieved is actually driving the other nuts, that some fly on the wall would see it so. Yes, could be the husband. Or could be the wife. We…don’t…know. (But this is CC, so we continue to speculate with wild abandon.)
The husband may feel that his generosity is his best trait, and to have his wife belittle him for it – “that thing you do with money AGAIN” – might feel horribly demoralizing. I’m hoping the OP will at least see from this thread that some people in the world see the way her husband deals with small amounts of petty cash to be an ADMIRABLE trait worthy of praise instead of a flaw. Since she’s unlikely to change him, trying to reframe his essential character traits as positive features, not bugs, would likely be good for the marriage.
I have no advice for the husband, since he hasn’t asked for any and is not reading this thread in any event.
In general, she always wants to pay for things, but she is nowhere near as bad as FIL and the sons. H and I had some discussions about how we could help and one thing was that FIL always did the shopping and she is not so mobile, so I could try to make a regular thing of going to the store on Thursday and seeing if she needed anything. He mentioned it to her, but never did anyone say that we were also going to pay for the stuff we got - either to her or to me. She isn’t really likely to go for that.
From the first time, I brought things, she paid me, it was fine. It is personally inconceivable to me that we would suddenly be supposed to pay for her food, stamps, medication, gas, etc. just because I picked it up and carried it to her house. I thought the “help” was doing the errands.
