Is this "greedy"? Really?

Parent Cafe
41

^Also, they are/were not just weird about money. Once H and I and MIL and FIL went to Virginia to see youngest BIL who was living there at the time. His girlfriend joined us (from another state) for the weekend. At one point we were all going to go someplace in the same vehicle. An argument ensued about who would sit where. GF looked a little shocked, so I said aside to her “I’ve learned to just wait until everyone gets in and take whatever space is left.” On Sunday (after 3 days of this) she winked at me and said “I’ve learned to just wait…”

You’d have to be there. Really.

It’s not that I was “concerned” about that, but more the weird “we have to split whatever costs there are in some fashion” attitude. Not surprising, given the family approach to money, but how does that work in the longer term picture? Was it greedy not to pay for our plane tickets to take her south? If not, why not? It’s not like we can’t afford it.

42

@sylvan8798 I get that there is a lot more going on, but perhaps the funeral food and the $10 disagreement weren’t the best examples you could have chosen, that’s all. :slight_smile:

43

^It’s all relative, right? At what point does it become a valid example?

44

OP, I’m sorry you’re in this position which is causing tension between you and your h.

Clearly, your husband’s family has a culture around money that is different from yours and (it sounds like) it makes you feel uncomfortable. My husband’s family has somewhat of a culture like your husband’s and my H would never, ever, accept a $10 bill from a sibling or his parents in reimbursement for something. I grew up, however, that, when my mother owed me money or I owed her money, reimbursement would be down to the penny. Literally.

I understand the agreement that was made and, I’m guessing, if your H hadn’t been present, your MIL would have just given you the $10 and all would have been fine. This time. I really, really suggest you do as others suggest and ask MIL to be added to one of her credit cards or make some other arrangement where you actually spend her money and, thus, there’s no reimbursement needed.

If, for some reason, you can’t use her money at the point of purchase, I would ask your H, not in anger but at a time when the two of you can just discuss the topic, what HE thinks the agreement should be if you’re going to do shopping on her behalf. If he truly says that he just wants to cover the cost of whatever you buy, well, either you keep discussing or, assuming it’s not any kind of financial hardship, you just accept it. I’m assuming peace in your marriage is worth it.

45

I think you have two issues here. You need to decide what to do in the near future because your husband’s dad just died, and you need to figure out a long range plan.

Since you’re fortunate that money isn’t an issue, buying and preparing food for your husband’s mom now and then won’t hurt anything. But if you decide you don’t want to continue paying, or you don’t want your husband to be the only sibling contributing, you have to make other arrangements.

If you don’t want to be the main caretaker for your husband’s mom you have to create a game plan for that too. Now isn’t the time to act on it – you have to give the family time to grieve – but think about what you’re willing/able to do and be ready to communicate that to your husband when the time is right. How odd his family might be is irrelevant. What matters is that you’ve decided you can only devote x amount of time. Why you can only spend x amount of time and not y doesn’t matter. If they need more help than you’re willing or able to provide, they’ll have to make other plans.

46

Sometimes you kick in money and sometimes you don’t. There’s no hard and fast rules, it’s just what feels appropriate given the circumstances and history. I think your H kicking in $100 was the right thing to do.

Recently my family all got together out of town in a couple of shared condos. Sis and I went to pick up some BBQ for dinner and split the bill; we were picking up food for about 15 people. It seems like that’s something you would quibble over; if my Sis volunteered to go pick up dinner (she did) should I not have kicked in the half the amount? I think most people would say yes I should since I went with her to get the food.

My cheapskate brother and other tight-fisted sister didn’t reciprocate or kick in a penny the entire trip. It chaps my hide a little but I’m not going to stop observing what I consider social norms just because others are cheap.

Anyway this is just something you play by ear and instinct. If you’re not hurting for money it doesn’t seem like $10 or $100 is a hill to die on. At the end of the day it’s not about who pays trivial amounts (relative to your finances). It’s about how you feel in your heart about your level of generosity and hospitality. You’re trying to treat your arrangement with MIL as 100% business, when perhaps it should be 50% business tempered with 50% family.

47

I can see both sides here. I would definitely have let the $10 go and would be happy to stock anyone’s home with groceries after they had lost their H or father – it’s just the decent thing to do especially if it’s family.

But I think OP’s husband was out of bounds when he started name calling and said she was “greedy.” What a hurtful thing to say to your wife, especially after she had just shopped and cooked dinner for your mother. OP is caring for her H’s mother and he should let her know that he appreciates her efforts – I think what he said to her was mean and I can understand why she might be upset.

And he started it – if he had just said nothing and let it go there would be no issue at all.

48

Not trying to pick on you, but you asked for opinions. I don’t think “greedy” is the right word. I agree with others who think think the right word for your p.o.v. is “petty.”

Your husband waved off a $10 grocery bill. That’s nothing.

Similarly, for well-off family, chipping in $100 for half the groceries on the weekend of the father’s funeral is a trivial amount.

The air fare presumably is several hundred dollars, maybe more than a thousand. That is not trivial, your MIL can afford it, and is asking for your help – so it makes sense for her to pay.

It’s not about the money – it is the gesture. The message behind it is: “we are all family and we love each other and we aren’t going to waste our time squabbling over trivial amounts of money.”

I’m guessing that you and your husband come from very different family cultures and expectations. I understand your husband; I can’t really understand your attitude because I also come from a family where we didn’t sweat the small stuff.

But I also think you should ask yourself whether this is worth arguing about. It’s not as if your husband is squandering family assets with grand displays of extravagance – he’s just part of a family where small acts of generosity are the norm. You seem to want an accounting – and you need to think about what kind of message that projects. It’s the kind of thing I do with strangers like a cashier - I expect to be given the correct change, even if I turn around and immediately deposit the loose change in a tip jar on the counter – but it is not the way I would treat family or want to be treated by them. That $20 that your FIL kept shoving into your hand (post #26) wasn’t about family “shenanigans” or gamesmanship - it was his way of saying, “I respect you and I care about you”. I’m afraid your annoyance over these gestures could easily be interpreted by your husband as meaning that you don’t care about or respect his family.

49

I think what some people are missing is that the husband deserves the right to wave off a $10 or $100 favor if that’s what he wants to do. Who knows, maybe he has feelings of guilt for past events that the money helps to expiate, or maybe he likes to be the big guy. Or maybe he doesn’t like the whole totting up routine, of maybe he has no reason at all but that is what he wants to do with his money.

What if the OP came on here saying she’s wealthy but her husband was giving her a hard time because she blew $10 on a breakfast sandwich and coffee at Starbucks, just because she felt that is how she wanted to spend her money. Or $100 on a friend’s birthday present – or for a honey baked ham for a bereaved friend. We would be telling her that the husband was a controlling jerk and that she should be examining the marriage. I really believe that is what we would be saying.

They are wealthy – her word. If wealth has any advantage, it is the ability to blow a few hundred or a few thousand bucks on whatever you want without having to explain or justify to anyone.

How OP got stuck with the care is a totally separate question that should be examined without mention if the “waste” of the $110.

50

I just want to add that I forgot about dh calling her “greedy”. Definitely sounds like time for a talk when emotions aren’t running high. Name calling never has positive results and, as someone noted above, that was after OP shopped and cooked for her MIL Definitely some appreciation is in order! And, yes, figuring out in the long term who will be caring for MIL is important if OP would prefer it not be her.

51

I think that the real issue is that the H is not respecting his mother and his wife’s relationship.
These two woman had an agreement that they were both at peace with. The wife is doing more
than agreed upon when she also cooks out of caring.

If he wants his wife to continue to reach out to his mother then he had better step aside.
Guaranteed that she will step back if he makes her feel “greedy” or even “petty”.

I also think he is showing disrespect for his mother at this stage of her life. Maybe when she
deteriorates the plan will need to be changed but not yet.

I agree with everyone that having the mom put them on a CC will make everything easier.

The only other solution that I see is that the three of them discuss the fact that H wants to
pay everything. If Mom is ok with this, and it is not a hardship, then that becomes the new norm.
But I still believe he is overstepping an agreement that his wife and his mother have made with each
other.

52

It’s a difference of opinion about what’s cheap…not greedy.

Personally? I could never imagine taking money from my family or inlaws for bringing them supplies. To me…that would be incredibly cheap. Particularly ten bucks worth. In my family culture, that just feels very wrong. Makes me cringe. (seriously)

That said…different families have different culture.

My bestie’s mother won’t go to lunch with her at a fast food place unless they get separate bills. It’s a different family culture. They’re both happy with “our culture is to pay our own.”

The problem with the OP…is that her hubby is not comfortable with taking money from his mom.

At my house…if it’s my mom, I have the final say. If it’s hubby’s mom, he has the final say.

I sure as heck wouldn’t want my hubby telling me…your mother and I agreed that she would pay me for gas for the lawnmower. I’d be embarrassed and hurt he even discussed it.

If I ask my hubby…Hey, Dude…go do this for my mom please, don’t let her pay you…I kinda expect him to be ok with that. If he wants to override my rules, and my culture with my mom…with his own…it would make me angry and hurt. I’d feel kinda walked on and unheard. I’d feel disrespected…because my wishes about my family were being purposely violated over a few measly bucks.

The solution is to let your hubby make the rules for his family…and you make the rules for yours.

53

Sounds to me like there’s an underlying issue the OP isn’t addressing.
She says that she and hubby are wealthy…I don’t think money is really the issue.

I think she sounds overwhelmed, and like she feels kinda put upon… and like her MIL’s actual kids are not chipping in with her care as much as they should be. And she might have a valid point.

I helped care for my FIL after my MIL passed unexpectedly. Luckily, all the kids chipped in and we even had adult grandkids in the rotation. There was enough help so that no one felt unrealistically burdened…we were really lucky.

I think the OP might be carrying more than her fair share, and maybe that’s what’s causing her to feel less than generous. Maybe she feels tapped out and like she’s already giving more than she can handle… and someone else needs to step up.

I stand by my statement that hubby should make the rules for his family…but I also think the OP has a right to voice that she needs help and can’t handle everything that’s fallen into her lap.

Something’s gotta give before this gets even more negative. Grief couples counseling would be a terrific idea for this couple. They’re both going through two very different things right now. He’s coping with the loss of his dad and worried about his mom. She’s had to live with an understandably depressed hubby and had to give a lot of her time to an understandably depressed MIL. She might be feeling resentful, and even guilty about feeling resentful…and kinda alone, and left with the work. She’s dealing with loss of freedom, responsibility that maybe should have fell more significantly to her children. It’s all hard. People do the best they can. Emotions happen. And they need to.

Death sucks and ruins everything. My hubby and I lost my dad and both his parents in the same 24 month time span. (and a 36 year old sister in law, and three grandparents…two years of hell) It’s awful. It’s easy to get stuck inside your head and stop communicating like you need to for a marriage to work.

I’m sticking by my original advice that the best solution is to let hubby make the rules for his family, and for you make the rules for yours.

But I’m going to add to that…you’re allowed to say so if you’re in over your head and you need help with care-taking. You’re allowed to say it’s not working and that there has to be a family meeting to figure out what to do. You’re allowed to talk to someone about how couples get through grief together, and the tough emotions that come with becoming caretakers for our parents and inlaws.

Anyway…I do wish you better times ahead. Time helps.

Be kind to each other. I matters now more than ever. If you can keep trying to be kind to each other…you’ll get through this.

54

Sympathy @sylvan8798, I’m sure this is a very stressful time. No matter how things transpired, I personally think that your H should not have called you greedy. He could have handled things differently and I feel you are right to be annoyed.

It sounds like you do a lot for your in laws and are maybe feeling unappreciated. That is a very justified emotion if you are shouldering a big part of this burden.

It sounds like it’s not about the money and it’s all about the money.

I see this happening in my family. The il laws are very proud and my mil is very insistent about paying their own way. There are so many time this exact thing happens. My H is probably not even aware of most of it and he should stay out of it. He doesn’t know what goes on most of the time. We were at IL’s over thanksgiving, one night I asked to get pizza so my S who was there could visit with his cousins. Now mil had fed us all weekend, I wanted to pay for the pizza and beer. Nope, her house she wanted to pay. I wanted my H to go pick up the pizza, no she wanted me to take her and she insisted on paying. Any of us could afford to pay, the IL’s, us even my S.

I go along with it, my H is more uncomfortable with it. If mil wants to pay and it makes her feel as if she is more independent, I go along with it. To not, makes mil feel dependent and I don’t want her to feel that way. H better not call me greedy about something he just shows up at.

55

If I am in a position of having to ask someone to do something for me on a regular basis, and it involved money (like picking up grocery), I would prefer if the person took my money. The reason being if the person didn’t then I would be reluctant to ask the person again in the future. If OP had such an arrangement with her MIL, in my view, it makes both feel better to take the money. It is a different matter, if OP wants to take her MIL out to a very nice dinner or buy her an expensive present.

My mother asks my brother and I to order things online for her all the time. Each item doesn’t cost that much money, but it adds up after a while. She gives us her credit card to make those purchases. On the other hand, we are paying for her trip to Taiwan next year, and I take her out for meals all the time. There were times when I was giving my parents money every month, but they still paid me when they asked me to pick up things for them.

56

As a man, being told to pound salt over trying to brush off $10 from my mother shortly after my father died would focus my mind very clearly ~ on divorce. Seriously.

57

Key words in above is “We agreed” I think your husband shouldn’t have called you greedy, it sounds like you had discussed it with him and then he made you look and feel bad in the moment by disregarding what you had discussed.
At this point I think it’s more important to clarify what is going to happen going forward and come up with a plan that works for you, your H and MIL. It really needs to be clarified between your H and his mother how they want the money handled since it seems everyone has plenty of money and it is more about clarifying roles going forward than who pays for what. If MIL wants to pay her own way I think that should be honored and find a system such as keeping track and having her reimburse you monthly or her adding you to her CC so that money doesn’t have to change hands every time you visit. It seems that your H doesn’t like the visible reminder that he is taking money from his mother so taking that out of the equation may make things flow better down the road.
You should also clarify how much you are genuinely happy to take on going forward. H and sibs need to appreciate what you are doing and know when and where they need to step in. Also, H is grieving his father so he is feeling the responsibility of making sure his mother is taken care of. In the moment $10 was not a big deal but it was not handled well and needs to be addressed so that everyone is comfortable with how things are going to be handled from now on.

58

@sorghum, why does your gender have anything to do with it? If you were expected to provide care to your in-law seemingly much more than your spouse or your spouse’s siblings were providing, how would you feel if your spouse dismissed you as “greedy” for accepting an agreed-upon reimbursement?

59

I’m team OP. If they agreed upon it AND she is doing all the work and threw in cooking a meal hubby should be grateful that he has a wife willing to care for his mom.

60

If the arrangement had been previously agreed upon, it is a bit presumptuous for the man to step in and change things, as if the two women were incompetent.