I am giving my opinion and response as I feel it from the case outlined. Maybe it would be same with genders exactly reversed, I don’t know. I think the OP is playing with fire.
“The man” is the son saying to forget about $10 from his mother.
I am giving my opinion and response as I feel it from the case outlined. Maybe it would be same with genders exactly reversed, I don’t know. I think the OP is playing with fire.
Wow, a lot of interesting and varied viewpoints. I can see that it is complicated. All this is new for us and there are a LOT of unknowns. It’s not clear yet what our roles need to be or what they will be in the coming months/years. Having H yell at me and call me greedy is hurtful when I’m trying to do the best I can. Since he and I had discussed the money situation and agreed that she would pay for her own expenses, I naturally assumed that would mean groceries and other things she asks me to pick up. She asks me for the receipts. I think she wants to pay for them.
I think it would be a great idea to have a debit card on her account, but one of the other BIL’s is straightening out her finances, and I don’t dare ask him, since it seems like H would have a problem with it.
My mom passed away a few months ago, and one of the things I am most proud of in my life is the relationship that she had with my husband. They were very close, and their relationship was not nearly as complicated as my relationship with my mother was. They had an actual relationship as people who respected and cared for each other for more than 30 years. They were both good, competent people and they went out to lunch together sometimes, and until the very end of my mother’s life, she would call my husband and say “bring over some Chinese food and have lunch with me,” and when the end was near it was he who sneaked in her favorite bacon cheeseburgers. She always paid when she asked (and she did not need the money) because she didn’t want to feel like a burden. They had had a totally mutual relationship for decades before her health declined, and this was her way of maintaining some balance. My husband understood that and honored her feelings. She was still “the mom.” When she died, in some ways my husband was the hardest hit because their relationship had been completely voluntary. I would not have dreamed of interfering in that relationship in any way, and I think if I were the OP I would be massively offended that the husband stepped in between two competent women whose relationship should be between them and not him. The name calling would have ME thinking about what kind of man I had married. There are sometimes in a marriage that a spouse should step out and mind his own business, I think this is one. The couple should definitely make a plan as the mom needs more help, but should not get between his mother and his wife, who must be a great blessing to her MIL. Some daughters-in-law wouldn’t help on a bet, and some mothers-in-law wouldn’t accept help on a bet (my MIL was one - she could make a THING of me taking off work to drive her to chemotherapy).
This post is giving me hives because parts of it feel so familiar.
Posters are saying that OP should ask dh what he wants to agree to. He ALREADY had agreed to something, and then he gets on OP for sticking to that agreement. Clearly, OP is feeling put upon and disrespected … and not without reason.
Also, I will remind people of the saying that money problems are rarely about money.
This. OP’s husband is not respecting his wife or his mother, he is only considering his own sense of pride.
OP’s in-laws have some weird money/power language they speak that maybe they understand but OP doesn’t. That’s fine. That’s why OP’s in-laws sometimes passed her money under the table. She “let them win” the argument about who pays sometimes, and they liked that. OP’s MIL likes the arrangement where she pays for her groceries, OP likes the arrangement, and OP’s husband can shut up and deal with it. It is less about money and more about relationships, and he is butting in where he doesn’t belong.
If he doesn’t like it he can do the shopping and cooking himself.
It’s tough to be the daughter-in-law in these situations. It’s a no-win situation sometimes, even when the extended family seems like they mostly get along.
If it were me I’d step out of it completely (I have done this with my MIL whom I love dearly). Everything, and I do mean everything - runs through my H. And if he gets tired of hearing about it from me (I used to run interference) my response is that I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes and “here you go honey - let me know how it all turns out.”
It’s wonderful that you help her; kudos to you. Since you and H agreed, keep the receipts. Give them to your H and let him decide what to do/how to handle it. Really the issue is between the two of you anyway.
Why is that?
@zoosermom - because I saw the triangulation pattern that my H’s family has engaged in for the last 20+ years that we’ve been together. Took myself out of the middle.
Love them all but not going to sub in as the scapegoat (when my sister-in-law isn’t playing the role).
They’ve been doing this stuff so long they don’t even know they’re doing it.
ETA: we are all still close; I just keep better boundaries. I let my H handle his family stuff. I handle mine. When there is a question/issue we hold each other accountable rather than extended family (whom we have no real control over anyway).
Oh I see, that makes total sense. I’m very glad that my husband and mother never put me in the middle. I always enjoyed how much they loved each other. And it made my life much easier because my husband’s job is more local and more flexible than mine, so when she got sick he took almost the entire burden off me without missing a beat.
^^so beautiful @zoosermom
@SouthFloridaMom9 , that’s an acceptable arrangement, and similar to what we have, but not the one OP has.
OP seems able to have a relationship with her MIL that doesn’t have to involve her husband in every detail, but now her husband won’t allow that. So they can move to the arrangement you have in your family (he deals with his family, she cuts off all shopping and cooking), or he can allow two grown women to define their own relationship and butt out. But he can’t thread the needle and encourage a relationship but dictate what their relationship is. That’s the problematic part.
OP, I think perhaps you wanted to accept the $10 because you didn’t want to set a precedent of doing it gratis. It wasn’t about the amount of money, but the agreed upon procedure.
I agree with accepting it, even though it seemed a little awkward. You know from experience that you will end up being taken advantage of, and were trying to make a statement.
Perhaps you and your husband can work towards agreeing that everyone pays their own way from this point forward. Even as I write this, I know it will be next to impossible to break long ingrained habits. But the purchase of airline tickets is an example of where you could pay for yours.
It seems as if hubby’s family habitually pays for other people and they just assume it all evens out in the end. My guess is you have figured out it doesn’t. That would make me uncomfortable, too.
As someone who has been supporting DH (and doing a fair share of the work myself) over 5 years of caring for his alcoholic parents with dementia, I will caution OP that there may be challenges to your own mental health and marriage ahead, and the patterns you establish and expectations you set now are likely to stick for however long your MIL may live. The physical, emotional, and financial stress on DH has in many ways taken him away from me and our DD, and I resent the hell out of this.
Perhaps it would have been different if MIL & FIL had a close and supportive relationship with DH (not to mention me and our DD) over the years, but we are operating only out of duty now. DH’s siblings’ lives have been largely unaffected as one has had no contact with the parents for years and the other visits about once a month. So while you are lucky that money is not an issue, and you are trying to be gracious under the circumstances of your FIL’s recent death, be aware that setting boundaries you can live with long term is crucial IMHO. Wishing you luck.
I didn’t see any mention in the OP’s story that the MIL was INSISTING that OP take the $10.
I am with you
For the gentlemen here, how does your family handle the MIL/DIL relationship?
And if you disagreed with your wife $10, would you call her names?
I see two aspects of potential conflict in play. First, Respect for your MIL. Depending on her personality, your MIL could be offended if she is not allowed to pay. When one side only sees the $$, they can end up trampling on a widow’s feelings.
I would suggest you focus on her feelings over your husband’s. Let him shop for groceries and deliver them if he wants to refuse payment.
Second issue is your position as the solo worker bee on the frontline. I have seen this in action, and family members will not step up to help unless you step back.
I would start by missing your weekly dinner. Let everyone know you have an appointment in two weeks and can’t provide dinner. Ask H to jump in and help out. It doesn’t matter whether you have more free time than H does.
I would make it a goal to provide dinner once a month, and ask others to participate on the other weeks.
Don’t be as eager to offer help yourself. Give some time and space for MIL to ask others. Let your H know she called and needs help with leaky sink or whatever.
I would start backing away immediately. Doing something for MIL every other time is a start, and let H know of her needs. The resentment of you doing it all yourself is going to keep building up.
Amen @yauponredux. And in my experience this stuff gets worse, not better, unless you set reasonable boundaries with your spouse first, then your in-laws.
@MomofJandL - I’m not following your point (?). It seems to me that OP could continue to help her MIL if she wants to, and when the silly “who pays” dance starts, just put it on H’s plate. Keep the receipt, or the money (as the case may be) and then pass it to H to deal with in whatever way they agree to do as a couple. i.e., stop engaging with MIL on the money issue. Take OP out of the middle. Smile and be nice, but hand it off to H.
I still have a one-to-one relationship with MIL. It’s just that when she started on the money (or time) stuff I would default to H. “I will mention that to H.” “Let me check with H.” Any sticky area - I would default to H.
This style of dealing with things has helped now that she’s completely disabled and in a skilled care facilty (horrible what has happened to her). I don’t feel like my H or my SIL blame me (even in some small way) for where she is. I always tell my H that we will do whatever HE feels is reasonable to do for his mom, and I mean it.