Why should there be a rule that MIL has to insist with an acceptably vigorous amount of intensity? It’s not about the money, both families have plenty. The language of mutual insistence where the winner pays is OP’s husband’s game, not OP’s.
If OP’s husband feels strongly about the money, he can take over the shopping. If he wants to let his wife and mother have a pleasant relationship, he can back off. Either way is fine. Insisting that they behave to his standards is not.
My H would never take over the shopping for his mom, and I wouldn’t mind doing it. I would just mind being cast as the stingy (or greedy) DIL.
“And if you disagreed with your wife $10, would you call her names?”
Just like this is about more than the $10, my guess is the name calling is based on more as well. It goes beyond the $ amount and this one incident.
“I would start by missing your weekly dinner. Let everyone know you have an appointment in two weeks and can’t provide dinner. Ask H to jump in and help out. It doesn’t matter whether you have more free time than H does.”
This sounds passive aggressive to me. Just deal with the issue at hand by communicating openly. Don’t play games and invent conflicts.
I see no indication that the OP is going above and beyond and jumping through some great hoops here. She’s picking up some thins at the grocery while doing her own shopping and having it rung up separately. She’s cooking a dinner 1x a week that husband and most likely she too is eating. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice thing to do but it doesn’t sound overly burdensome for an elderly relative who was recently widowed. If OP resents it and isn’t doing it from the heart, than don’t do it but its not something that should get you canonized for sainthood.
Honestly, if it was me, I’d write the $10 or so per week off as a gift of $500 per year. If she wanted to pay, than fine if it made mil feel better but I wouldn’t insist or expect it. To me, it would be something I would want to do for an older, grieving relative.
If this man is smart he will take a step back and look at the big picture. He has a wife who appears happy to extend herself to shop and cook weekly meals for his widowed mother – something he might be undertaking himself or paying someone else to do. Presumably OP has her own household to take care of (which includes him), but given that other family members are not local she is willing to step up and bridge the gap.
He obviously has a vested interest in this arrangement continuing so he should simply apologize for hurting her feelings with the name calling – then re-visit the agreement they had regarding his mother’s expenses if he wants to exclude smaller amounts.
Simple, don’t insult those that are helping you out and get your agreements straight.
It’s too hard to give direction or opinions without the context. The mix of who has the most wherewithal, who’s proximity requires more commitment, and which in-law is annoying to have around, coupled with marital tensions that have their own independent origins make it just too hard to parse out credit and blame.
I’ll note one point, which local caregivers often discount. If you stayed near your parents and had your own kids, often those grandparents provided services and attention out of the normal goodness of their hearts that are taken for granted. Gifts for your kids that others didn’t get. Looking after the kids to allow for nights out, or even employment.
Most of that is forgotten at the time that the local becomes the number one responsibility taker for the parent(s).
Nobody forced the other siblings to move away. But nobody forced the ones who stayed local to do that either.
Mostly these issues are about whom is “in charge” of things.
What I am suggesting is that patterns can get set in stone pretty quickly, and the kindness of getting a few groceries or making A Dinner can turn into Expectations that OP do this every week into eternity.
Once expectations are set, others in family feel okay with not participating. They know MIL’s needs are being met.
I suggest OP give others in family the opportunity to participate early on.
I still like the idea of a card that belongs to her, where you all are on the account. But then that can get dicey too. When MIL was living with sister-in-law I started hearing grumblings about who was spending what on what. It really hurt my SIL.
This stuff stinks. I’m sorry. But maybe it’s a blessing in disguise in that it generates mutual discussion with H on how you want to handle all this going forward. My H and I have even talked it about as it pertains to our own children, not that we will do it perfectly either.
You don’t really know that unless you know the totality of what the OP’s life is like. When I was taking off to drive my MIL to chemo, I was working 60 hours a week with three school-aged children, one of whom was a toddler, and I have very (VERY!) limited driving skills. So for me it was a huge deal and involved sacrificing precious vacation days. So driving across town might seem like a small thing, but who knows what goes along with it?
Just going by what OP chose to post. If she is burdened by overwhelming commitments, she did not make that a piece of the discussion which would change the tenor of the discussion. She has chosen to focus on the $ aspect whether $10 for groceries or $100 to stock the home during the funeral week for grieving family members from out of town. Let’s stick to the facts presented.
In my own view this is not about the money – look at the title of the thread. OP’s feelings are hurt and mine would be too.
Everyone is making good points on this thread imho. It is a complex issue. Hopefully OP is helped a little bit.
Isn’t it obvious that in a wealthy family, $10 is not about the money?
Why on earth would they blame you for where she is?
I come from a family where people do things like fight over checks, sometimes in inappropriate ways even if their heart is in the right place. To be honest, given this is a funeral where emotions are running high, I wouldn’t make a big deal if for example my wife did something like the H did in the post, it isn’t about the money, to me it would be about understanding that emotions are running high among everyone involved. Not criticizing the OP, I don’t know the dynamics of the family situation or why she felt strongly about this, but rather that at a time when emotions are running high like that, better to let it lie and then talk about it later. If MIL is insistent on reimbursing, it is a point of pride, then let her do it privately. Probably one of the best pieces of advice I ever read was in a book Cal Ripken wrote about coaching sports or being the parent of a sporty kid, that when conflict comes up don’t get into it in the heat of the moment, rather wait till things calm down then talk about it when neither party is in a heated up state…and it works:)
Am I the only one in a marriage of 30 years where someone says or does something that isn’t nice? If so, you all have some pretty solid relationships. I think the OP should stand back and put herself in her husband’s shoes - grieving, worried about his mother, trying to help in a way men think (providing, $). Was it nice of him to say that? Of course not but its not a hill to die on and I don’t think either one of them has behaved in an ideal fashion or is communicating well. Based on the way the OP chose to outline the issue, her views on money and her in=laws extend beyond this one instance for sure.
“Isn’t it obvious that in a wealthy family, $10 is not about the money?” Of course, as I mentioned several times when posting last night.
OP, just curious, what do you do for mil beyond the weekly shopping/cooking trip? You mentioned chauffering. I think this family will continue to let you do for mil. As others have stated, be careful…be very careful. Don’t get stuck being your mil’s caregiver. Make plans NOW for who is going to do what as her needs increase. What happens when she can’t live alone? Will you h insist she move in so that you become the 24/7 caregiver?
I like the idea of not being able to do one of the weekly dinners, and let the others handle it.
Nope. My husband and I have some wicked moments. I just feel for the OP because this is clearly going to be an ongoing thing and she shouldn’t get her feelings hurt over every interaction, when she is clearly trying to do the right and kind thing.
You’d be surprised. 
We’ve had some extended family cluck cluck about why we don’t keep her at home and hire help. Nevermind that she needs 24/7 monitoring and special equipment to move her, etc. She can’t stand or transfer whatsoever, and is basically a quadriplegic. In spite of that, I have looked into it for my H’s sake. He is the one who put his foot down.
But our OOS relatives know better. We are horrible people who dumped her in a nursing home. My SIL had her with her at her house, when she was much better than she is now, and it was almost impossible.
It doesn’t help that my H is the golden child who is supposed to ride in on a white horse and fix everything. I am the grasping DIL who steers him wrong.
Family dynamics . . . sigh. Luckily I adore my SIL and we all are in agreement. But I know how those views can change which is why I’m always glad that I ultimately left this stuff up to H.
For the OP, when you and hubby are in calm moods, can you ask to talk to him. Tell him you are feeling hurt that he called you “greedy,” when in your mind, you were trying to help out HIS mom (by cooking and shopping) and abide by HER wishes to only let you pick up groceries for her if she paid for them. You thought you were doing something nice and trying to please his mom. Ask him how he would like to proceed going forward, and if he wants you guys to pay for mom’s groceries on an ongoing basis (or if for petty amounts of money), then ask him to directly share that with HIS mom so that the understanding is clear. Then, abide by what they agree upon (it’s his mom after all). As well, ask him to recognize your efforts to help his mother in her time of need.
(and don’t bring up the money spent to stock the fridge during funeral week which was reasonable to do)
PS, I will add that it really isn’t about if it is reasonable to let Mom pay for her own groceries, as it is reasonable, but more about what your hubby is comfortable with as it is his mom, and so let him work that out with his mom and you won’t be in the middle…
constructive @soozievt ^^